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I fucking hate you.
I mean it, I feel ridiculous. Get it off.
Lady, just because your boyfriend doesn’t want to settle down, doesn’t mean you should pretend that I’m a real baby in hopes that he’ll play along in your twisted game of “house”. I promise you’re scaring him off, and it makes you look insane. Think about it, you dress me like a Gap employee and tote me around like a damned fashion accessory. It’s disgusting, and you need to get your shit straight. Meantime, you can stop force-feeding me Altoids, you bitch.
While I’m on the record, there are some other things I could do without, you psycho. Yeah, as it turns out, I don’t really care for the ylang-ylang oil massage. It’s not relaxing, it actually hurts and generally creeps me out. In fact, it’s damn close to rape.
Oh, this just in, I’m not actually a fucking vegetarian. Do you honestly think that I prefer couscous and tofu over my lamb and beef nuggets?Lettuce wraps? Are you fucking serious… what is your damage? I would rather eat my own shit, and guess what, when you’re asleep, I do. Then I lick your whore face and laugh about it.
Don’t even get me started on my name. Louis Vuitton? You superficial bitch. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is? I’m already wearing the gayest sweater since the "Cosby Show", but you insist on naming me after an expensive line of European handbags. Seriously, fuck you. You make me look like a complete pussy and I hate you for it. For real, the next time you try to gel my hair, I will tear a hole in your windpipe. I swear to God I will.
Not that you’d ever fucking notice, but you continue to place me in dangerous situations. Just yesterday at the dog park, I could feel the cold hard stare from a Doberman through my Kenneth Cole double-breasted pea coat. Shit, even the French poodle called me a fag, and he was wearing a beret.
Do you have any idea what would happen to a dog like me at the pound? You don’t even WANT to know. I step in there with even a whiff of CK One on me, and it’s all over.
It pisses me off that you don’t pull this shit on the cat (Although it’s probably because she’s a lesbo). I am really tired of the smug looks I get from that butch-ass feline. Just once I’d like to see you put an ascot around her neck and let her feel what this shit is like. Then she’ll realize it’s not funny, and I’m in real pain here. At the very least you could throw a flannel shirt on that dyike and even it up here, you owe it to me. I promise I will end all nine of her lives if I ever get a chance to chase her without these miniature Steve Madden patent leather urban utility boots strapped on my paws. Not that I’d get far; even without the shoes I still have to battle these Italian micro suede chinos.
Listen lady, I’m at the end of my rope and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking (Yes, there’s a lot of time for that while you watch E!, thumb through your copy of People magazine, stopping occasionally to read the text message on your jewel-encrusted Sidekick). I have decided that I’m running away. I’m going to take my chances on the outside. Tomorrow morning, during doggy yoga, I am fucking gone, baby – and there is nothing you can do to stop me.
The last thing you’ll see is my puckered little asshole as I’m out the door, but not before I leave a hot, soft and juicy turd pile right on my miniature doggy yoga mat – and I’ve got a half a pound of espresso beans and 3 bran muffins for breakfast to make sure it’s a good one.
I am so guilty! Little Tony Montana wears a pink Hat whenever I decide he is gay.
Great piece :)
Bill
Loved It
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Posted: 11/28/2005 9:15:49 AM
Just saw a few of these small victims at the mall this weekend.
Eugene
Funny shit
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Posted: 11/28/2005 9:56:35 AM
Based on the title, I thought this was going to be some trite, unoriginal bullshit, but it wasn't. It was fucking funny. Some great lines. Branda Bella La Gosi, why am I not surprised that you mutilate your fucking mut? Is it because you worship at the alter of that disgusting, shallow whore Paris Hilton? I think so.
Bill
Funny, but...
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Posted: 11/28/2005 10:00:38 AM
it's "pique coat" you dumb shit, not "pea coat." I mean seriously, the article was funny, but you're just flaunting your stupidity.
Brenda Della Casa
Eugene
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Posted: 11/28/2005 10:17:29 AM
Believe it or not, I don't like Paris, but yes, as you have so kindly pointed out in post-after-post, I am the girlie-girl type to dress my dog. I'm sure your owner dresses you up too, no?
Eugene
Brenda
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Posted: 11/28/2005 10:31:19 AM
That last line was funnier than anything you have ever written. Maybe you should just stick to razzing your detractors, eh sweetheart?
Mike S
Pique
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Posted: 11/28/2005 10:51:20 AM
And Pique is pronounced Pee-Kay. I have seen a lot of dickheaded incorrect correctors on this site, but you Bill have taken the cake.
CD
"Pee Kote"?
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Posted: 11/28/2005 11:31:47 AM
Bill, congrats on winning the dumbass award on a Monday. Well done.
Dustin Ortmann
Hey Bill...
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Posted: 11/28/2005 12:02:51 PM
give my balls a mouth hug...dickface!
deuce
justin
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Posted: 11/28/2005 12:34:20 PM
"gayest sweater since the cosby show"
hands down the funniest thing ever written. hands down.
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