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Gram Dammies! I mean damn Grammies! I’m confused like a retard trying to read a campus map at Harvard. These awards shows seem to defy all logic. Remember Jethro Tull beating out Metallica for best Metal artist? Or the soy bomb guy? Or O.D.B. getting all crackish? Well this year’s show was no different. I mean you would think that an academy made up of audio engineers would be able to rid their show of cross talk on the mics, stop some feedback, or just to know that it’s hard to hear someone talk when the music is five times louder on the montage they are talking about. You would also think they wouldn’t let crazy people on the stage. But there were some great performances to go along with some mediocre ones. And the judges just sometimes lost their minds like when they sent that kid who hit on all the girls home. Oh wait that was "American Idol". That’s right, the Grammy’s bored the shit out of me so I watched "Idol", "Lost" and "Invasion" instead. Then I watched the bad officiating at the Super Bowl again on my Tivo. Then I clipped my fingernails. Then I watched a pot of water boil. Then I flicked my balls with one of those grade school rulers. All more exciting than watching a bunch of half dumb fuckwits gladhanding each other about who has done more for the homeless musicians of New Orleans.
If the Oscars are supposed to be about artistic vision in film then shouldn’t the Grammy Awards be about talent in musical recordings? But it seems like talent in music is only is only appreciated when it is consumed by the masses. So if the Grammies are gonna be a sales contest shouldn’t they be held by Billboard? The Oscars are just the opposite. It is a chance for Hollywood to reward a bunch of films that no one saw. In fact the popular genre of comedy is almost entirely snubbed every year. It is said that only really intelligent people can write good comedy, yet an obvious attempt to systematically pull at heart strings in the most cliché possible ways like Cinderella Man will always be considered over a funny, better made, better reviewed, and highly enjoyed by the masses film like The 40-Year-Old Virgin. What the fuck kind of sense does that make?
But this week is about music so I went back and watched the tape of the Grammy Awards today. In the midst of the cool special effects of Madonna walking around a CG holographic Gorilla, Mariah Carey having morphed from a skinny white girl into a fat black chick, and bringing Sly Stone back from the dead, there is one band that still truly defies all logic, U2. They aren’t all that good anymore, but they certainly aren’t bad either. They are popular, but this last record didn’t really sell that much and only had one that one iPod commercial single. Do sales of that Black and Red iPod count as album sales for them? I don’t think that’s really fair. I just liked those colors better and I don’t think I ever even listen to the actual album that was loaded on there. And if there’s gonna be a U2 iPod, shouldn’t it be chocked to the gills with the whole U2 library? Throw Boy, War, and Joshua Tree on an iPod and I can guarantee you some sales. You could make that thing fucking phosphorescent pink, orange, and green and people would still buy it. But them winning for songs that sound like "Elevation" and "One" is kind of ridiculous.
Not quite as strange though as Green Day winning an award for a two year old song that they already won the same award for last year or Paul McCartney bringing his almost dead legacy back to life by playing a rocking version of "Helter Skelter" and then ruining it all again an hour later by performer a mash-up of Yesterday with Linkin Park and Jay Z. Most of the awards apparently were given away by the CNN headline ticker at the bottom of the screen. In fact I remember about four actual trophies that were given away, but according to Grammies website they gave out like 200 awards this year. My advice to NARAS, if you’re gonna give David Bowie a lifetime achievement award, you might think about asking him to come and play. I hear he’s pretty good.
Here’s a couple quick reviews to remind you why you should stay at home and diddle yourself this weekend instead of spending ten bucks at the Cineplex.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! – Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby – Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass – Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch – One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. – An added testicle for shit that is in between.
“Gimme back my son!” Oh wait, that was Mel Gibson. But that’s pretty much all you need to know about this one. Harrison channels his own worst moments from Frantic and Patriot Games into a white collar Jack Bauer. Right down to having the same first name and the lemon-faced chick who plays Chloe as his computer geek to the rescue. But never fear Harrison Ford returns in Indiana Jones 4 next year! In this one a crazy escaped Nazi general builds a time machine and sends an aging Indy back to the exact moment of throw me “the whip I’ll throw you the idol.” Alfred Molina however is still young and healthy so he escapes the cavern with the idol while Harrison misses the swing across gorge, gets his arm crushed trying to grab his hat and then gets flattened by a papier-mâché boulder. Then his back-in-time-dad “shaves tha day” by swooping in as Goldfinger era Bond and defeats the Nazis with some ingenious Q devices. Basically watching Firewall is like eating cooked grits plain. With no butter or salt or pepper or syrup all you have is gritty lifeless hominy. With no wookies, religious artifacts, or androids dreaming of electric sheep, all you have left here is a carpenter trying to act.
Speaking of ruined legacies, Steve Martin destroys every good moment of The Jerk, Three Amigos and Planes, Trains And Automobiles in one fail swoop. Not only that but, he manages to completely destroy a franchise that was built on some of the most brilliantly subtle slap stick performances by Peter Sellars. Given the Pink Panther series were in actuality probably some of Sellars worst performances. But they were still dick over fist better than Martin bringing his wild and crazy guys shtick to the French detective. In fact he does a graver injustice to the role than Alan Arkin did in 1968’s Inspector Clouseau. Steve Martin would be better off trying to play Junior Seau than Inspector Clouseau. And Beyonce? If she didn’t have an ass like she was the black Kelly Clarkson, she wouldn’t be qualified to guest star in an episode of "Half and Half". My sources tell me that Chris Tucker was originally attached to star in this movie. That would’ve been sweet. Then he could have karate chopped his man servant and proclaimed, “You got knocked the fuck out!” Instead, Chris Tuckers biggest contribution to entertainment in the past year was standing there as dumbfounded as Mike Myers while Kanye West called Dubya a racist during that hurricane relief concert on NBC. Note to Chris Tucker, only doing Rush Hour movies once every 5 years is not a good way to stay on top. Note to Steve Martin, go back to making those eight is enough movies or whatever they are. At least then you are only shitting on Dick Van Patten.
Who wouldn’t want to see a bunch of snot nosed, smart mouthed teens get picked off one by one in a series of horrific Mouse Trap like death sequences. This time instead of an airplane crash or an explosive freeway pile up, some kids get off a roller coaster before it goes flying off the rails. But a series of photos holds the clues to how the survivors will eventually die. Who the fuck cares? That’s like the kids trying to figure out how to wake up during a Freddie dream or wandering off to have sex at camp after three people have already died. Who gives a shit about the logic or plot. All these flicks need is just enough or a reason for us to want to see the splatter fest. The kids behind me in the theater made 600 bucks by taking bets on who was going to die next. That’s the real fun in a movie like this. Go ahead. You try to figure out exactly how the kid in the drive through is going to be decapitated by a fan blade. Or take bets on which firm breasted nubile will bite it first. It’s getting harder to predict movie deaths these days. It used to be you knew the black guy was going to be first followed immediately by the slutty screaming chick. But then Ernie Hudson made it to the end of Leviathan and fucked the whole thing up for everyone. But at least now we can all have fun with the order and type of death in these shitty flicks.
I would have reviewed Curious George this week also, but a man in a yellow raincoat trying to show people his monkey even seemed a bit weird to me, so on to this weeks questions.
I once slowly severed a man’s arm off with a machete. The Corps should have told me he was an informant ahead of time. Regardless, I want to know what your favorite slasher movie of all time is. If you say Slumber Party Massacre III then I will hunt you down and force you to watch it to prove your shitty answer. Also, what was your favorite or least favorite Grammy moment from this or any other year’s show?
Childish pranks turn into a bloody battle for survival!
I can never remember the differance between the grammies and the MTV awards. But I like it when Axel Rose or Fiona Apple say something profound like "fuck" or "this isn't really the real"
Remus
Slasher
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Posted: 2/10/2006 7:30:02 AM
Without a doubt, Child's Play. A puppet everyone is afraid of. Absolutely a classic!
deuce
never got into slasher films
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Posted: 2/10/2006 7:36:32 AM
but the worst grammy moment of all time had to be yesterday, when kanye west claimed that he should be in the bible b/c he is like a west african story teller. would somebody shove one of the grammy phones into his ear and remind him that he isnt talented. just because you and your mom claim you are a "musical genious" doesnt mean you are one. no musicianship whatsoever. wow, you can use protools - so can a 4th grader.
"I changed the sound of music more than one time... For all those reasons, I'd be a part of the Bible. I'm definitely in the history books already."
here is why you're in the history books: "george bush doesnt care about black people" - officially the 7 dumbest words ever strung together. ever.
mishka
slasher films for the whole family...
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Posted: 2/10/2006 8:53:45 AM
didn't watch the grammys...didn't even know they were on till the next day..oh well.
best slasher movies ever...anything by Brain Damage Films...especially the older stuff where they had a $500 budget for each movie and there was more ketchup than plot, red painted rope was used to portray a disembowlment and if you and your friends drank at the sight of blood or boobies, you were puking before the opening credits were done. Nothing beats the guy in the bad leather jacket and piercings opening each movie Hitchcock-style with "Welcome Gorehounds!"
hahaha...seriously, beat that!
Eric
Slasher flicks
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Posted: 2/10/2006 9:58:46 AM
I think the movies that are based on things that could actually happen fuck with me the most. I really got into the "Saw" movies because there really are sick fuckers out there that just flat out fuck with people because they're nuts. On the other end of the spectrum though I really like "Friday the 13th" series and "Halloween".
And, ya, FUCK THE GRAMMY AWARDS!!
Atlas
There is only one movie
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Posted: 2/10/2006 10:27:47 AM
That fucked with me when I was a kid, Children of the Corn. I will never forget that a guy gets his knuckles ground down in the begining. I think I saw that movie once when I was eleven and the thought of it is still spooky.
AaronB
Best Slasher Film Ever
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Posted: 2/10/2006 10:35:19 AM
I Spit On Your Grave.
Chick gets gang raped then comes back and, in various greusome ways, dispaches all rednecks even remotely involved. Bonus because she kills a guy with a johnboat motor while naked.
Pedantic Ass
Eh...
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Posted: 2/10/2006 11:25:10 AM
it's "fell swoop" not "fail swoop"
Christine
Um. . .
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Posted: 2/10/2006 11:43:54 AM
I think the movie was called, "Frenzy" or something, but it was the grossest movie I have ever seen and I still haven't recovered. Also, not really a slasher film, but Event Horizon gave me nightmares for a year and a half.
Moses
Grammys
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Posted: 2/10/2006 12:00:32 PM
I don't watch the Grammys, because I'm straight, and not some 13 year old girl.
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– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
– Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
– Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
– Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
– One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
– An added testicle for shit that is in between.
“Gimme back my son!” Oh wait, that was Mel Gibson. But that’s pretty much all you need to know about this one. Harrison channels his own worst moments from Frantic and Patriot Games into a white collar Jack Bauer. Right down to having the same first name and the lemon-faced chick who plays Chloe as his computer geek to the rescue. But never fear Harrison Ford returns in Indiana Jones 4 next year! In this one a crazy escaped Nazi general builds a time machine and sends an aging Indy back to the exact moment of throw me “the whip I’ll throw you the idol.” Alfred Molina however is still young and healthy so he escapes the cavern with the idol while Harrison misses the swing across gorge, gets his arm crushed trying to grab his hat and then gets flattened by a papier-mâché boulder. Then his back-in-time-dad “shaves tha day” by swooping in as Goldfinger era Bond and defeats the Nazis with some ingenious Q devices. Basically watching Firewall is like eating cooked grits plain. With no butter or salt or pepper or syrup all you have is gritty lifeless hominy. With no wookies, religious artifacts, or androids dreaming of electric sheep, all you have left here is a carpenter trying to act.
Speaking of ruined legacies, Steve Martin destroys every good moment of The Jerk, Three Amigos and Planes, Trains And Automobiles in one fail swoop. Not only that but, he manages to completely destroy a franchise that was built on some of the most brilliantly subtle slap stick performances by Peter Sellars. Given the Pink Panther series were in actuality probably some of Sellars worst performances. But they were still dick over fist better than Martin bringing his wild and crazy guys shtick to the French detective. In fact he does a graver injustice to the role than Alan Arkin did in 1968’s Inspector Clouseau. Steve Martin would be better off trying to play Junior Seau than Inspector Clouseau. And Beyonce? If she didn’t have an ass like she was the black Kelly Clarkson, she wouldn’t be qualified to guest star in an episode of "Half and Half". My sources tell me that Chris Tucker was originally attached to star in this movie. That would’ve been sweet. Then he could have karate chopped his man servant and proclaimed, “You got knocked the fuck out!” Instead, Chris Tuckers biggest contribution to entertainment in the past year was standing there as dumbfounded as Mike Myers while Kanye West called Dubya a racist during that hurricane relief concert on NBC. Note to Chris Tucker, only doing Rush Hour movies once every 5 years is not a good way to stay on top. Note to Steve Martin, go back to making those eight is enough movies or whatever they are. At least then you are only shitting on Dick Van Patten.
Who wouldn’t want to see a bunch of snot nosed, smart mouthed teens get picked off one by one in a series of horrific Mouse Trap like death sequences. This time instead of an airplane crash or an explosive freeway pile up, some kids get off a roller coaster before it goes flying off the rails. But a series of photos holds the clues to how the survivors will eventually die. Who the fuck cares? That’s like the kids trying to figure out how to wake up during a Freddie dream or wandering off to have sex at camp after three people have already died. Who gives a shit about the logic or plot. All these flicks need is just enough or a reason for us to want to see the splatter fest. The kids behind me in the theater made 600 bucks by taking bets on who was going to die next. That’s the real fun in a movie like this. Go ahead. You try to figure out exactly how the kid in the drive through is going to be decapitated by a fan blade. Or take bets on which firm breasted nubile will bite it first. It’s getting harder to predict movie deaths these days. It used to be you knew the black guy was going to be first followed immediately by the slutty screaming chick. But then Ernie Hudson made it to the end of Leviathan and fucked the whole thing up for everyone. But at least now we can all have fun with the order and type of death in these shitty flicks.
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