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America's Current Royal Family
As I stood at the grocery store waiting in the self check out line (so I could bag my own groceries and get more than 3 items per bag), I was surrounded, literally surrounded, by pictures of Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, and that other guy that was funny in Swingers. Apparently Ben and Angelina are back from Africa, Jen might be pregnant, and that guy that was funny in Swingers may have bought a house in Chicago. While in other news Islamic radicals did something somewhere, but I couldn’t really see the rest of the headline, as it was obscured by Angelina’s Giant Forehead.
I assume that the rest of the United States must be consumed by these stories. And I, in turn, assume that I’m supposed to be consumed by them as well. Apparently I’m in a very small minority of people that don’t give a flaming fuck about the goings on of Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, and that other guy that was funny in Swingers.
But really why should I be? Isn’t there anything more compelling than this going on in Hollywood? Christ, I’d rather read about Corey Feldman doing blow off an old Trapper Keeper in an unemployment line than hear about how “Jennifer may or may not have bought drapes that match the eyes of that guy that was funny in Swingers”.
For me there really isn’t anything spectacular about all four of them. And here’s a break down in my own little rating system. A system which, like the "10 ten worst SNL cast members" ratings, is totally subjective, and, more than likely, complete bullshit. But oh well, here we go…
Jennifer Aniston:
Esthetic Factor: 6 out of 10 Let’s deal with esthetics first as I think that’s all Hollywood is about anyway. Aniston is attractive but not terribly pants-tightening. She is attractive in the same way my dental hygienist is. I’d bone her, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to bone her. (Hee hee I said boner)
Talent Factor: 6 out of 10 If this seems high that’s because it is. She was good at playing "Rachel" on "Friends". However, I’m not exactly sure when she’s NOT playing "Rachel" when ever I see her. It always feels like "Oh look, Rachel is dating Ben Stiller in Along came Polly. And Oh Rachel is nailing a bag boy in The Good Girl and Oh Rachel is banging Clive Owen in Derailed. So if you need her to be Rachel, she gets a 6. Anything else, you’re looking at about a 4.
Staying Power: 3 out of 10 I can’t help but think that the celebrity clock is ticking away and that kicking up all this dust around her romantic life with old sleepy eyes is merely a way to stay in the public eye. Outside of the romantic events with Mr Hangover, everything else we’ve seen from her is incredible ordinary. For a while she was in the news about some topless photo's that were taken of herm but lets be realistic, I doubt too many people would have paid a lot of money to see those bee stings.
Angelina Jolie:
Esthetic Factor: 8 out of 10 Settle down nerdlings. I know I just gave Lara Croft an 8 and not a 10, but let me explain. First off: Yes, she’s hot! No doubt. But the "Esthetics" rating encompasses’s more than just her bitchin’ bod and smoking face. It also includes a few notch lowering qualities that only she possesses. First and foremost being that she is unequivocally FUCKING Nuts. Outside of wearing a vile of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood around her neck for several years, I’ll also add that she virtually made out with her brother at the 1998 Academy Awards and based on how “close” she is with him, there is a good chance that at some point she got it on with her father, John Voight. Maybe not but still, a "gross open mouth kiss with your brother" is going to cost you a few.
She is also a UN Good Will Ambassador, and we all know that you can’t be hot rubbing elbows with the likes of Kofi Annon. It’s also worth noting that as a child she wanted to be a funeral director, so from this we can conclude that she's into dead people.
Straight out estheticly speaking, she also has a GIANT forehead and an even bigger mouth. Now before you cry “DSL’s”, I’ll point out that her DSL’s (Dick Sucking Lips) are great, but she also has FHM. (Fucking Horse Mouth) so there is that to consider. I think the kids in Namibia can go swimming with her tonsils.
Talent Factor: 7 out of 10 There is a curve when judging hot young actresses. The question becomes “Can they be hot in this role?” and my answer for Jolie will more than likely be YES. Even when she is absolutely terrible, as in The Bone Collector. At least she’s hot, right? Jessica Alba is another example of someone who would otherwise be utterly useless if they were not hot. Now could Jolie be hot in, say, a period piece set in 19th century London as a coal shoveler? Probably not. So she gets a 6. But Since I’ve gotten more than one boner from watching her in Gia she gets a 7. (Rent GIA or at least down load the lesbo scenes with her in it from the net)
Staying Power: 6 out of 10 She will, more than likely, be one of those stars that doesn’t have to whore herself out later in life and appear on horrid games shows like "Hollywood Squares" or "The Match Game", or appear as a washed-up nobody on the Chelsea Handler show just to pay the rent. So her staying power is kinda high. That is, of course, unless she does something absolutely crazy and butchers herself, which is why the rating floats around 6.
Brad Pitt:
Esthetics: 8 out of 10 Women love this man/boy like no other. Well maybe a little less than the unprecedented and unexplainable female appeal of Ed Norton. But still, Brad Pitt is a heavy hitter when it comes to moistening the panties of female moviegoers’ across the country. Whether he’s shirtless in Tibet or shirtless in some prison cell, one thing is for sure, he’s shirtless. And it works every time.
Talent Factor: 7 out of 10 He was good in Se7en and annoying in 12 Monkeys. He was okay in Legends of the Fall; however the scene at the end of the movie where he is killed by a bear is so funny that it destroys any ounce of credibility. He also shares a talent of his current wife of the uncanny ability to look hot doing nothing at all. While watching Ocean’s 11, I actually heard a woman, a seemingly adult and intelligent woman, say “Look at him eat that sandwich” Hats off for Brad. Way to chew! That kind of “talent” scores you a 7.
Staying Power: 6 out of 10 Unlike Harrison Ford, he doesn’t have a staple character to play. And I’m not talking about Indiana Jones. I’m referring to Harrison Ford playing the Vengeful Dad guy. (See Firewall, Airforce One, The Fugative, Clear and Present Danger.. Etc) Without a gimmick, I don’t know if Brad will last once his looks fade. Old age might not be kind to him as it is with most man/boys. Boyish men seem to look like old Jewish women with age. I have a pool going that Justin Timberlake will look like one of the characters from "227" at the age of 55.
That Guy that was Funny in Swingers:
Esthetics: 2 out of 10 I know this is harsh, but he is swimming in the same pool as the other three, so fair is fair. He looks like the sleepy Vietnam vet that used to deliver beer to my dad’s bar when I was a kid. I will say that if he were more attractive, he wouldn’t be so funny, as attractive people usually aren’t funny so even though he’s got 2 out of 10 it’s probably best that way for what he does.
Talent Factor: 5 out of 10 The guy that was funny in Swingers was funny in Swingers, but hasn’t really stretched much further into anything else virtually portraying the same characters over and over again. In this way he suffers the same fate as Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, and Slinkys. (Come on, after playing on the steps and doing that rainbow thing in your hand what else was could you do with a slinky)
Staying Power: 7 out of 10 A few years ago this would have been a 1 out of 10, but he experienced a large resurgence courtesy of Old SchoolWill Farrell. Since he’s come back once, chances are studio execs will give him another shot down the road when he is, once again, completely forgotten.
In Conclusion: Considering all of these things, I realize I have just perpetuated the very thing I was complaining about all along. Perhaps that’s what everybody else is doing or perhaps these 4 people are truly that captivating.
I have to go now, E! just reported that Jessica Simpson took a dump and Nick Lachey isn’t happy about it.
There should have been a class action suit. That never, ever, ever worked.
Charlie Sheen
Wait, I'm Confused
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Posted: 6/22/2006 11:27:34 AM
That thing about Jolie and dead people - doesn't that help her hotness score?
Tom A
I concur in spades
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Posted: 6/22/2006 11:29:23 AM
Especially with that last part about how talking about how much people obsess over them and how annoying it is just feeds the monster.
Oh shit, now I'm doing it, too!
And I HATE irony!
Christine
This was perfect.
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Posted: 6/22/2006 11:35:37 AM
That's all.
John
Close
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Posted: 6/22/2006 2:39:18 PM
Good idea, but learn how to spell aesthetics and then learn what it means. See the section on Jolie.
Dictionary Bob
easy John.
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Posted: 6/22/2006 4:00:29 PM
(Miriam Webster) m-w.com sez: search: esthetic esthete, esthetic, esthetician, estheticism One entry found for esthete, esthetic, esthetician, estheticism. Main Entry: es·thete, es·thet·ic, es·the·ti·cian, es·the·ti·cism variant of AESTHETE, AESTHETIC, AESTHETICIAN, AESTHETICISM c: pleasing in appearance
Also it's subjective.
Tang
Jolie is hot and Cold
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Posted: 6/22/2006 4:08:10 PM
She is hot and she is also a freak. What is that they say. Crazy in the head Crazy in the bed? I'm waiting for her to get her ass to get kidnapped in Africa.
Joe Kickass
Confession
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Posted: 6/22/2006 4:10:23 PM
I'm a Brad Pitt fan. This doesn't mean that I read tabloids or give a shit about what he's doing in his personal life...just that I think he's good and does some pretty cool movies. Exhibit A: Snatch.
Doosh
Snatch
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Posted: 6/22/2006 5:10:57 PM
Hee, hee, hee!
angela
doesn't take a genius...
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Posted: 6/23/2006 12:01:24 AM
AESTHETIC.
wow not only are you not funny at all, you aren't winning any points for intelligence either. moron. you care so little about celebrities you write an ENTIRE article dissecting them. you are a moron. and the article wasn't even A LITTLE funny. i didn't even smile.
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