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This girl clearly accomplished her mission.
To all you bar owners out there, I have a simple snippet of advice for your economical well being and the all out enjoyment of your patrons: DO NOT challenge myself or anyone like me to a flat, “All you can drink” fee at your watering hole. Contrary to the accepted wisdom, forcing me into this deal is like locking me in my own home, sending me a paycheck, and “forcing” me to watch porn all day.
Even the declaration blurted out by the bartender: “All you can drink. $30!” slithers its way to my soul and my ego, bless its heart, can only respond with, “Are you threatening me?” These fools actually think they can pull their shroud of tomfoolery over me by charging me $30, hoping that I have one drink and then FORGET that I just paid $30 and go home?!?! Do they sincerely think they are going to make out in this deal? $30!?! I laugh in your face. I spit on your shoes and I fart in your general direction.
The bartender might as well have looked me in the eye and said, “That’s right Nancy, looks like your girly ass can’t drink for shit.” The sales pitch is not “Drink for what you paid for”. It’s not, “Try to get your drinks half off by the end of the night.” No, the statement reads, “All you can drink.” Well by God…let’s find out. If it ends up being less than $30 worth, well then, Nancy…it looks like your girly ass can’t drink for shit.
I mean, at least if they have one of these at a wedding, most people will keep a leash on themselves, because if someone gets too hammered and dips his balls in the wedding cake, there are certain unavoidable repercussions, which may include being ostracized by your family. If you were going to do it at a bar, at least be stealth about it, maybe call it: “The $30 surprise. We tell you after you pay.” This might work for a while, but once I find out that you are trying to be slick, I will personally make sure that you have a 500% loss as I suck down Jack & Cokes at an alarming rate, if not try to steal a bottle of Bacardi on the way out, simply for your attempt at espionage.
Some nights I don’t even plan on drinking. But when that juiced-up bouncer with half a neck and a power trip so big he needs a surge protector asks me if I want to pay a flat fee for “All I can drink”, I simply smile and think to myself, “I’m going to drink so much that I will shut this place down.”
I’m going to share with you 2 examples of how “All you can Drink” night probably put some bars on the brink of bankruptcy.
New York, NY; $30 for 3 hours;
My friends and I caught wind of a friend’s birthday party at a bar with $30 “All you can Drink” for those in the party. Your average drinker or non-aggressive person may have let this statement roll of their back; nothing doing. But to a bunch of part time alkees with enough competitive drive to want to knock down our son’s birthday piñata before he could, this meant WAR!
As I stepped into the bar, I find my friends who arrived shortly before me. They are all AT LEAST double fisting, with even some of the “All You can Drink” crew bootlegging beers on a back table to the unfortunates for $2 a beer. “Good work, boys. Kick ‘em while they’re down.” This bar stood no chance. It's only hope was that we would pay our $30 and then fall over and die. Much to their chagrin, this did not happen.
On top of this, I have a “Regarding Henry Award” for the bartender who let the people with the bracelets order four drinks at a time who, in turn, handed them to people like me who realized that I didn’t even need a bracelet. How this Australopithecus slipped through the evolutionary cracks defies explanation. I was playing with the house’s money and I didn’t even have to ante up.
Yes sir. They were hiding the sweet nectar from us.
At times, our back table looked like our own microbrewery. We drank such a lucrative amount that the bartender told a friend of mine after 1.5 hours, “I can’t serve you anymore Jack & Cokes.” Valiant effort from the bartender putting up a fight but to no avail; the rout was on. We dismantled that place. The manager should write a book, “How to Lose all of Your Money as Fast as Possible: When Good Ideas Turn Bad”.
Kobe, Japan; $9 for 2 hours;
This was it, the Christening, my first true experience with “All You can Drink”. We heard word that this one puny bar in Kobe had an offer for $9 for 2 hours!! Ahh, those unassuming Japanese. There were 9 of us- 5 guys and 4 girls. Before we were about to go up into the bar some people we knew were walking towards us, so we hid across the street because I thought, “Shit! If these people come up with us, I won’t be able to drink as much!” I wanted maximum drinkability.
We were the only ones in the place and the two bartenders had no idea what they were getting into. The one bartender removed a clock for the 2-hour countdown, but first informed us that we were not allowed to drink beer, only mixed drinks and shots! Wow. He hits start on the timer and what happened next must still haunt them forever. I began yelling at a friend of mine who was in my way at the bar because, as I put it, “You are wasting my drinking time!”
After about 15 minutes, we could barely walk. After 30 minutes, one girl puked on herself and 2 guys. And after one hour one of my friends was walking around the bar with his pants at his ankles. “How dare they challenge us?” I thought.
They ended up running out of rum halfway through, so we convinced (ordered) the bartender to call their sister bar and simply have someone bring over some more rum, because this was a travesty. My money was going down the drain. The man looked at us as if we just accused him of killing JFK and we wanted answers. Finally, someone did bring up some more rum to stop us from taking whiskey shots! $9? No beer? I’m going to make you pay for that.
At the end of the two hours I wanted one more drink and felt duped that the time ran out. I almost felt like the bar got the best of me. Then, I don’t remember what happened for the next 12 hours.
If you want to really challeng ethe masses, make it $100 and people will probably stop when they got their money’s worth feeling a sense of accomplishment and join in a drunken rendition of "Bohemian Rhapsody" right there in your very bar! Everyone likes a game, and everyone likes to win. We can even give them shirts that say, “I paid $100 to drink and got what I paid for!” If you charge $100, you’re bound to have some joker puke after $50 worth but you don’t care, you just made a lot of money. But if you low-ball us, Herr Bartender, that insults us and we will do everything we can to take you down.
I dare you to put this sign up
You know, it’s funny; I’m not even an angry guy, it’s just that stupid people that make stupid decisions must pay. It’s my version of Social Darwinism.
Someone throw me a beer…hey, I’ll even pay for it.
Anyone else have any “All you can Drink" stories where the bar paid the ultimate price?
no they'd be crazy to do that shit out here, that's just asking for a crime scene.
Jim-pat
40 Chug
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Posted: 8/18/2006 8:55:43 AM
I had a friend in college, who could open the back of his throat and chug a 40 as fast as the liquid could escape the bottle (Approx 8 sec). I suppose he could do it with any beverage but for this story it was 40's of OE. Anyway, this dumb frat on the Hill of my school (U of Pitt) had 40 night every Wednesday, where you paid 6 bucks and you got to grab as many 40's as you could out of random ice filled trashcans strategically place throughout the hallways of the shitty house. 6 bucks.... are you kidding!! between the 6 of us that went (3 guys escorted by 3 lovely fem.’s), in the 2 hours we were there, we drank something like 24 40's. JH drank 3 in the first 10 min he was there, and finished up the night 7 deep. We never heard from him again, and none of us got laid that night as a mater of fact I think our escort ended up going home with some frat dudes.... sluts. Long story short, we did get our 6 bucks worth and the frat that had the party, was answering to an angry crowd by midnight because of our debauchery. Shit yah!!
Jefe
RE: Buenos Noches
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Posted: 8/18/2006 9:16:40 AM
or at the very least a little arson and some looting
STEVE
EVER BEEN TO OUR GOLDFISH PARTY JIM-PAT??
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Posted: 8/18/2006 10:51:30 AM
I went to Pitt and I used to live on the Hill at Sigman Chi you faggot fuck. It's not our problem you fuckin nerds couldn't get laid with a fist full of 100's in a Rosarito whorehouse. I hope things have picked up for you since college you fuckin loser. Meanwhile, I continue to get more random ass than a porta-john. Me and friends probably gangbanged your girlfriends before too dressed in our "dumb" togas. I'm glad you and friends drank so many 40's that night and ripped off the frat house, but trust me Jim-Pat-Joe-Bob, we fuckin crushed you in the long run....life that is.
23rd and Walnut Roosevelts
In Philly
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Posted: 8/18/2006 10:52:36 AM
$7 all you can drink from 5-7. Guess where I am every friday
NYC
hg
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Posted: 8/18/2006 11:10:49 AM
Bars still make a killing on the $30 open bar package. Think about it.
You can either:
#1 - pregame at home, go to the bar, buy 2 drinks at $6 each and then go to the next bar. Revenue to bar = $12, cost of drinks = $0.50
#2 - you go to the open bar, pay your $30 and drink like a champion for 3 hours. You spend the whole night in this bar and probably buy a couple of rounds of shots at some point in the evening. Plus, you tip the bartenders out of the sense of guilt for the free drinks. Revenue to bar = $30 (minimum), cost of drinks = $5.
Bar wins, you win, we all win. Hooray for Friday.
Christine
Rooselvelts
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Posted: 8/18/2006 11:21:58 AM
Please describe the atmosphere. Is it crappy liquor? is it a hipster bar?
Springy
Fitter's Pub
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Posted: 8/18/2006 11:29:17 AM
On Pine St. $10 for 2 hours every Wednesday 5-7, in a college town. It was ugly, every fuckin' time. Especially since we deemed it necessary to get a good head start before we arrived. A few buddies died in there, but damn if we didn't do them proud the next week, and the next, etc.
antony
beautiful! the best article yet!
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Posted: 8/18/2006 11:40:23 AM
it wasn't really an 'all you can drink for some amount of coinage' night, but at a local bar (which did mysteriously close down 2 weeks later) :( myself, my 2 bestfriends, one of their brothers, and a neighbor, along with the assorted girlfriends came to see a local band for the sole fact that the bf brother wanted to fuck the bassist of the band that was playing. i was wearing a spiked bracelet and the bar-tender made the mistake of thinking that made me "cool and individualistic"...she started feeding me free jack & cokes, which i cordiually took to like pac-man on yellow dots. after the first 10 minutes she told me i should slow down, which of course i did not. anyway, the band sounded like seven mary 3 which for whatever reason pissed me off, i was taking a piss at some point and the lead singer walks into the bathroom and i start screaming at him "what the fuck are you doin in here!? you are supposed to be singing asshole!" after the neighbor guy safely escorts the leadsinger back to the stage, i continue accepting the now heavily watered down jack & cokes from the bartender that is coming to terms with her mistake, (and surely cursing herself for giving me her number) so the rest of night was uneventful, until closing time, when low and behold the bf brother actually has his arm around the bassist chic. needless to say i ruined any chance he had of nailing her by throwing a chair a plastic chair at the lead singer (i don't feel bad about it because his stepsister gave me crabs) we hightailed it before any cops were called and i ended the night by being carried up a flight of stairs and putting my head through a towel rack. i am happy to report that i drank no less than 26 plastic cups of jack & coke (i figure it equalled about a 5th) and i didn't pay for any of it, at least not financially. on a side note, i saw the bartender at another bar about a month later and she put her hand over her face and scurried away.
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