Every other Friday, resident Marine & entertainment reviewer, Joaquim Harold “Napalm” Jones, Gy. Sgt. USMC (Ret.) , takes a look at the shit flung on screens and out of stereos.
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The year was 1996. I drove an '82 Chevette, and Hulk Hogan was the WCW World Heavyweight Champion about to face Roddy Piper for the belt at Starcade '96. Sounds a little like it might have been 1982, but the twist is that Hogan was the bad guy in his NWO heyday and Piper was the fucking baby face. Every X-mas I spend the holidays reflecting on the past by pulling out the old wrestling tapes and watching some classic grapplo defako. I had thought that the title match or maybe even Hall and Nash as the Outsiders would be awesome to watch, but what I found was that the best match was actually Chris Benoit and Jeff "Tight Jeans" Jarrett in a who-will-be-the-fourth-horseman match. The undercard also featured a 20-year-old Rey Mysterio doing a top rope Asai Moonsalt all the way to the floor. I can guarantee you that no one thought that midget would someday hold the very belt that Hogan and Piper fought for that night, but that brings me to my point. Every now and then you need to reflect back on those little gems that you may have overlooked the first time around.
So, it's time for The Best Of Napalm 2006. Some of these reviews have been abbreviated for length, just as they were in The Best Of Napalm 2005 and I am posting the Question of the Week right here at the top, for those daily readers who didn't miss any of the goods this year, as well as at the bottom, for those troglodytes who haven't figured out the scroll wheel yet.
This week the question is simple. It is time for the year end awards, so what are your favorites from 2006? Feel to answer any number of these.
1. What was your favorite TPP article or writer? 2. Who was your favorite racist? 3. Who was the hottest piece of ass? 4. What was the best movie or TV show. 5. Who do you think was actually funny in 2006?
Napalm's Intro from 01/27/06 A picture is worth a thousand jerks. No really, I mean it. After reading Fath's birthday wishes for Stephanie Swift, I began to get a nostalgic cramp in my right hand for the days of VCR tapes and Watcher's Web. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was time to buy new porn when your tape wore out, not when you got sick of switching the multiple angels of Ashley Blue's triple DP. Hell, before 2000, it was rare to find much of anything going in the butt. Back then it was all about a few web cams and some classy nude still from DOMAI or Sublime Directory. Now a days, kids jump right to The Hun and get to downloading 2-minute clips of pregnant MILFS squirting on the Bang Bus crew. What has the world come to? Call me old fashioned, but give me some good old Blue Movie and some celebrity nipple slip photos and I'm just fine. I'll leave the extreme bukkake to the youngsters who can't stand to throw a load unless some four-eyed bookworm Betty is wearing it.
Personally, I prefer to beat the Kaiser to that scene of Wynona running through the rainy garden maze in Dracula. In my imagination, I catch her just as she comes across Gary Oldman, but instead of being a wolf he is Drexel from True Romance, and he is choking Lucy with his braids. "You musta thought it was White Boy Day. Since you been standing there it's a Wynona with wet breastesses standing next to you waiting fo' some cock." Then of course I screw Wynona so hard it fixes Keanu's accent for the rest of the movie. Now that's a hot fantasy.
Speaking of True Romance, Frank Stallone will always be jealous of Chris Penn's success, but that's because he was never a dancing cowboy in Footloose. RIP Chris, I wish it had been your brother.
Why me God? Could not you smote me with you mighty spear of fire? Could not I be washed clean in a great flood? Are mine sins so great that I hath cast thee foul in the light of heaven? I pray thee dear lord why hast thou forsaken me. Hast thou name been used too many times in vain? Hast thou not forgiven me for replacing the sacrament with urinal mint flakes? And honestly the whole coveting thing? If another man's wife hath camel toe like a sweet Georgia peach how doth thou wish me to avert mine eyes. No almighty creator of bullets and vag, I cannot comprehend why thou hast cast me into this fiery pit and exhausted my chances of redemption. Why, oh why lord, must you make me watch this festering pile of rehashed comedy bullshit?
That's right, god cursed me the second I walked into this dung heap of a film. It's bad enough I have to hear about what these two may or may not be doing behind closed doors, or how Jennifer's ex is trying to ruin Angelina's psycho snatch with his demon seed. No indeed. Who gives a warm bag of monkey shit? Sure, Jennifer walking through the room naked to tease her ex might make me want to see the movie, but it's really not that humorous. Vince Vaughn talking fast made Wedding Crashers pretty good, but that was because he spewed venomous jokes in those run ons not half assed dialogue about playing video games or how gay someone is because they listen to "Owner of a Lonely Heart". Though if you are a real Yes fan that is like someone who says they love The Dead because of "Touch Of Grey". The style of delivering witty quips alone does not a joke make. Especially when Jon Favreau's chunky head is on the other side of it. He looks about like a Swedish meatball smothered in lipo fat these days. Makes it hard for me to even think about watching Rudy again.
You know what's funny about Ray Romano? No seriously, I was hoping you could answer that question for me, because I really can't figure it out. I don't care how you dress it up, I hate the fuck. I hated his show. I hate his standup. And I hate his fucking voice just as much. I laughed when he was on "Conan" this week, but that was only because the 83-year-old lady sitting next to him was describing how to beat yourself off with some KY and bubble wrap.
Blatant over-hyping aside, this movie is still the animated equivalent of The Day After Tomorrow, which by all accounts is the third worst movie ever made. A cataclysmic event leads a bunch of half-developed characters to a boring trek across the ice. Will the species survive? Yes, but only if Donnie Darko pulls his dick out of Casanova or Ray Romano gets the jungle fever for some U.N.I.T.Y. from the oversized queen of rap. Bleck! I would rather take my kids to see the piss-poor video game slasher Stay Alive than this subpar attempt to give Pixar a run for the money. Did I mention that I would like to pull the veins out of Romano's arms and turn him into a human yo-yo?
I know many people have said this before so I'm not gonna dwell on it, but Tom Cruise is a fucking idiot. Don't get me wrong, though. The reason websites like this one devote so much time to his sorry ass is because we secretly love him. There is a reason why Days of Thunder actually made money. Would I sit around the bar at lunchtime and watch televised billiards on the Deuce if it weren't for The Color of Money? Would I still manually eject my swimmers to Lea Thompson, Rebecca De Mornay, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, or Kelly McGillis if Cruise hadn't introduced me to their finer points (though I really have to give credit for the last one to Harrison "Hand Solo" Ford in Witness)?
But Jesus fuck me with a Bible, please do not ever tell psycho chicks like Brooke Shields to stay off the meds. We all know Tom is secretly gayer than a Bag O' Dicks, but what kind of sadistic prick would do that? Now that Katie Holmes's vagina is ruined from popping Cruise's artificially inseminated demon seed out of her dusty coin slot, we'll see if he sticks to his guns when she is driving his diminutive ass up a wall. Maybe Tom does have the power to get away from a crazy bitch that is not getting any attention after having just passed a cantaloupe through a ketchup bottle sized hole, but the rest of us actually have to deal with that psycho shit. Look, the simple fact of the matter is, the guy has an impact, so he should be careful. We know he's a fucking moron, but we'll put up with Minority Report for a Collateral. I'll suffer through a Cocktail to get to Rain Man. For every Interview With a Vampire & Far and Away there's an A Few Good Men and The Firm. But as his list of good movies illustrates, Cruise is sweet when he has awesome co-stars and shitty when left to face the villainous Matt Lauer or Oprah Winfrey with his own devices.
MI3 is no exception. Without Phillip Seymour "Butts" Hoffman lending this action-packed thriller some credibility, this movie might have sucked too. Ving "Your Ass Goes Down In The Fifth" Rhames also makes his third MI appearance, but unless he is going to revoke Cruise's LA privileges, he is nothing compared to Hoffman's creepy arms-dealing persona. Of course, Kari Russell and Billy Crudup stink up the screen worse than a backstage patchouli party at a Phish concert, but I can still honestly say, regardless of the potential to suck, this movie kicks off the summer of super hero tentpoles and overhyped schlock the right way.
So without a doubt I'm sold. Or at least I've been bought. I knew I shouldn't have read "Dianetics" before seeing this movie. Cruise's personality may only get a half a bloody testicle from me, but crafty storytelling and awesome explosions and effects truly make this the first big movie of the year to see, so let the severed ears fly. Besides, Cruise had me at hello with Born on the Fourth of July.
Julia Stiles hangs up her iambic pentameter dance shoes for this shot by shot remake of the classic 70's horror fest. I don't know why anyone would think that the antichrist would even have special powers as a kid. When Jesus was a kid he was building rocking chairs and shit. Him and Harrison Ford were both carpenters until they got their big breaks. Besides, the sign of the devil isn't three consecutive numbers; it's the ingredients on a Jell-O pudding pop. The coming of the antichrist isn't related to politics, it's Raymond's "brother" Brad Garret getting his own show on Fox. I mean we all know the end of the world is already upon us. Tom Cruise had a kid for Christ's sakes. So instead of telling you what you probably already know about yet another remake of a 70's horror classic. I offer you this.
10 Things I hate about Julia Stiles
10. Making people think that any self respecting black dude would actually date a skinny white chick just because she learned some hip hop dance moves. Flat ass = no black dick within 30 paces. 9. Shares March 28th as a birthday with Vince Vaughn yet will not go out and smoke cigars with him, or scream "our little baby's all grows up" at 5AM in a diner. 8. Women should not sound like they are gargling a cock when they talk unless they are actually gargling a cock. 7. She's an animal rights activist and a vegan. Animals have the right to be killed, slaughtered and eaten by me. I would put my foot in a cow's cranium and walk around on it's bloody smashed brain if I thought it was as comfortable as the version 2 Jordan's I'm wearing right now. 6. Making my great aunt shred her Wellesley diploma after seeing Mona Lisa Smile. 5. A face that looks like a gazelle after a pack of wild hyenas has chewed off all the remaining meaty parts. Okay maybe she's not that ugly but I truly believe her and Kirsten Dunst are both up for parts in the next Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. 4. Proving why all the female parts were played by men in Shakespearean times. 3.A Guy Thing The movie that single handedly ended Jason Lee's movie career and all but guaranteed his need to do a sitcom. 2. She is a die-hard Mets fan. I have to say it frightens me that there is a chick out there that flicks her bean at night to a poster of Pedro Martinez with his dried out curl. Ech. 1. She helped launch Heath Ledgers Career. Which eventually lead to classics like A Knight's Tale, The Brother's Grimm, and Casanova. He also married and deflowered "Dawson's Creek" hottie Michelle Williams who got her start as the young version of Natasha Henstridge in the first Species, and that just pisses me off.
I just saw Superman Returns and I can tell you that the taste in my mouth, is far worse than the putrid remnants of Jager and bratwurst with sauerkraut and mayonnaise that I hurled on the fourth of July. Judging by the numbers, a mere 107 million domestic dollars in one week, most of you have already seen the film, so let me move past my review that would be forced to mention the bad casting, ridiculous plot, and overmarketing, and just ask you all my top ten questions about Superman Returns.
10. When did Superman get drafted into the NBA? I mean, he's forced to wear a suit when he's not in action, and he's got a five year old bastard son that he has neglected for years.
9. Speaking of the kid, wouldn't Sup have destroyed Lois' uterus? I imagine Superman fucking her so hard that when he blew his load, she would cry little super sperm. But maybe that's just my imagination getting away from me.
8. And how the fuck is Cyclops the dad? This kid is fucking doomed. One dad is a gay space alien in blue and red panty hose, and the other one is the superhero equivalent of Ray Charles.
7. Superman's kid has asthma and plays the piano. See what happens to kids with absentee parents. That's just gay. And I don't mean that in a happy West Hollywood ass-pirate kind of way; I mean that in more of a nothing-better-to-do-with-your-time-or-your-dick-so-you-fuck-another-man, prison sex kinda way..
6. Did Lex Luthor really bang some old lady and then think that Parker Posey was an upgrade? I'd rather see Lex hook up with the 62-year old Miss Teschmacher than that flat-chested, vampire bat-looking skin bag. In fact, if I were Lex I would have rather kept banging the dried-up corpse of that old lady than the iridescent queen of indie.
5. How is it possible that walking on a little kryptonite can almost get Superman killed, but then after a little suntan he can lift a whole island made of kryptonite and hurl it into the stratosphere? And why the fuck doesn't the Man of Steel know karate or something? The second he touches kryptonite it is supposed to just take away his superpowers and make him human. That doesn't mean a muscular, 6'2" guy shouldn't be able to at least get in a few punches. Only a bitch would rely entirely on his super human powers. Throw a punch, you fucking pussy! You're mother fucking Kal-el. You're telling me a little kryoptonite and a scrape on the knee makes you cry like a little girl? Watch Apocalypse Now or The Godfather, your limp wristed do-gooder, and take some man lessons from your pops.
4. If Brandon Routh was just going to try to channel Christopher Reeve anyway, wouldn't it have been sweeter if Clark Kent came back and pretend to have been in a horse riding accident in the Himalayas and was now confined to a wheel chair? Then no one would have to wink at the camera to acknowledge that anyone with half a brain should know that Clark is Superman, or at least some kind of twin brother or clone.
3. So five more years have passed since Superman 2 and yet all the characters are 10 years younger? That means that not only did Lois win a Pulitzer when she was 19, but that Superman raped her at the age of 17 and got her pregnant.
2. Why would Superman leave Earth for five years to visit a planet that he knew was already destroyed, regardless of whether or not scientist had discovered where it used to be? Fairly convienent that no super genius villains wanted to attempt one of their plots of world domination or destruction while he was gone. Apparently Batman likes all the OT.
1. Does Kate Bosworth have any ass at all? What does she sit on? Doesn't it hurt to ride a horse or plop down on a toilet seat for the morning drop off of her brown babies at the pool? In fact, her boyfriend Orlando Bloom is probably a much hotter chick then she'll ever be. See LOTR for evidence.
Posts: 1069 Rank: 12 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 12/22/2006 7:13:02 AM
i dont remember 2005's being 4 pages? nice job. enjoyed re-reading the ltcg heath inspecter write-up & cars & the POD album... (stryper ruled).
1. i'll be lame and say "ethan albright" - "shit teeth" and the description of an o-lineman jumping pass routes is pretty tough to beat... 2. kanye west 3. diora baird (google her - she's perfect) 4. movie(s): top 3 - idlewild, fearless, borat tv show: the office 5. the john stewart / colbert combo... i dont always agree with their politics, but damn they are funny as shit... 6. "you thought the casting couch was bad?? try selling a book... ugh. (shivers)"
I hate having to wait 2 weeks for your article, then I got a rehashed version. Although reading "I just hate kids. I mean, from day one a kid's goal is to ruin its mother's tits. I happen to love tits. And any creature whose only purpose in life when it is created is to suck the life out of those gorgeous mommy mounds until they are withered, lifeless, empty frosting bags, does not deserve to have quality entertainment created for them" made my day!
1. Juan T. (pick an article) his rants get me fired up. 2. Cosmo (obvious) 3. Ill go with Denzel and say Dakota's Fanny or Famke Jannsen 4. Ill go the other way and say Pirates of the Carrib was the biggest let down. Pure shit. 5. Napalm baby
Posts: 30 Rank: 88 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Chicago, IL
Posted: 12/22/2006 10:15:59 AM
1. My favorite writer was Juan, that guy comes up with shit that is straight out of left field. I am not sure that he isn't Mike Polk's retarded brother who is on a year long LSD binge. 2. Jesse Jackson, that guy seriously hates jews. 3. Jessica Alba, mainstream maybe, but there is no denying her. 4. The best movie is The Departed, the best TV show is Wonder Showzen. 5. Sasha Cohen, that mother fucker took it to us.
Picture: "Brenda said she only had to service two guys."
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 12/22/2006 10:45:10 AM
1. the tokens of my affection 2. normally i would say me, but as this is the season of giving, i will say either A) napalm (because he is one of the few people that can make me laugh at a joke about white people) or B) my girl, because sometimes when she calls me a filthy gringo conquistador, i think she likes it. 3. she's not really new, but she is new to me, Sarita Choudhury from lady in the water, she's awesome cause i can even pretend she's mexican if she keeps her mouth shut. 4. movie- silent hill, tv - venture bros. 5. sacha baron cohen 6. "...and that's why i lost the part of young Tommy Marcano in 'Sleepers'...fuck kevin bacon...(sobs)"
1. I'm like a TPP polygamist, I can't choose just one.
2. I would have to say myself. I am one intolerant SOB and God knows I love to be haten on people for no good reason.
3. Ricky Bobbies red hot smoken wife Carley. She's one hot little Southern Blonde I would punish with my tongue.
4. Borat, The Office and Dexter (on Showtime)
5. Michael Richards little episode was amusing and TPP is badass.
6. "I can't believe I put it in my mouth. It wasn't worth it...wait, yes it was. No, it wasn't. I am so ashamed. Blaaaah. Fuck, I got some on my shoes. Oh well, back to the Jagerbombs."
Posts: 80 Rank: 35 Joined:
10/21/2005
Location:
Canoga Park, CA
Posted: 12/22/2006 2:35:06 PM
Well the multipage break of this years best of was of course the brain child of Charlie DeMarco to serve more ads. Plus last years takes way too long to load on one page because of the pics, Hence the ridiculous 4 pages. Plus this way there are also ads and site navigation running in the margins the whole time.
Sorry about the two week wait for new stuff only to have it be old stuff. I was so bored last week sitting on the sidelines that I think my penis is an undiscovered shade of green and purple from beating my meat so much. It'll be different in the spring once movies and TV shows are back in full swing. But I think the every other week thing will be great for the next few months when there is almost new new entertainment released anyway while we breathlessly wait for another shitty edition of the Oscars to tell us what we supposed to have known was good in the first place. I honestly thing Borat should get nominated for Best Movie, but the Academy will never do that. I guess I should answer my own questions.
1. I almost hate to pick something so recent but I honestly thought M. Thomas L's latest Weekend Warrior XMas shopping was just a split vagina hair better than Ethan Albright.
2. I have to say Isiah Washington was my favorite racist. Wait, fags aren't a race are they. In that case I pick Rush Limbaugh. Wait, he hates people with Parkinson's. Um OJ? He obviously hates Black People because he is still hard at work making brothers look bad.
3. For some reason I really want to bang Camille Guatty in the teeth. She looks like a cross between Stephanie Swift and Vida Guerra and I'm so pissed that she is on a mediocre show like The Nine when she should obviously be taking over the Emmanuelle Franchise on Skinamax. I'm getting sick of looking at Krista Allens rock hard fakies in Emmanuelle in Space 9.
4. Borat, The Wire, Battlestar Gallactica, It's Always Sunny, and surprisingly Heroes is still working for me, but I'm sure they'll Lost the fuck out of it soon.
5. In the year of Dane Cook, I'm gonna give it to Sascha Baron Cohen as well in hopes that he will one day face off against Dane at high noon in a deserted ghost town and blow him away.
Posts: 2923 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 12/22/2006 5:26:40 PM
That was great. I forgot just how in depth you get with some of your reviews. My favorites are your reviews of employee of the month, larry the cable guy, and Yo Mama. But your review of V for Vendetta was really good too. But I love that movie. Way to go Napalm! Please don't get stabbed or blown up. My Fridays will be shot to hell.
1. Kane Billings. I think he is great writer and really funny. you and Juan will always be number one, but he has really impressed me this year.
2. My dad. I love the guy to death, but man, that guy hates anything that isn't Irish and German. He doesn't even let my mom wear black clothes.
3. I have a huge crush on Cillian Murphy right now. He is so creepy looking that its hot. Allison Lohman is a really beautiful girl, i'd do her.
4. Running with scissors and heroes, i fucking love superheroes.
5. "I just looked directly into Christine's hideous face"
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"You musta thought it was White Boy Day. Since you been standing there it's a Wynona with wet breastesses standing next to you waiting fo' some cock." Then of course I screw Wynona so hard it fixes Keanu's accent for the rest of the movie. Now that's a hot fantasy. 
Why me God? Could not you smote me with you mighty spear of fire? Could not I be washed clean in a great flood? Are mine sins so great that I hath cast thee foul in the light of heaven? I pray thee dear lord why hast thou forsaken me. Hast thou name been used too many times in vain? Hast thou not forgiven me for replacing the sacrament with urinal mint flakes? And honestly the whole coveting thing? If another man's wife hath camel toe like a sweet Georgia peach how doth thou wish me to avert mine eyes. No almighty creator of bullets and vag, I cannot comprehend why thou hast cast me into this fiery pit and exhausted my chances of redemption. Why, oh why lord, must you make me watch this festering pile of rehashed comedy bullshit?
You know what's funny about Ray Romano? No seriously, I was hoping you could answer that question for me, because I really can't figure it out. I don't care how you dress it up, I hate the fuck. I hated his show. I hate his standup. And I hate his fucking voice just as much. I laughed when he was on "Conan" this week, but that was only because the 83-year-old lady sitting next to him was describing how to beat yourself off with some KY and bubble wrap. 
I know many people have said this before so I'm not gonna dwell on it, but Tom Cruise is a fucking idiot. Don't get me wrong, though. The reason websites like this one devote so much time to his sorry ass is because we secretly love him. There is a reason why Days of Thunder actually made money. Would I sit around the bar at lunchtime and watch televised billiards on the Deuce if it weren't for The Color of Money? Would I still manually eject my swimmers to Lea Thompson, Rebecca De Mornay, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, or Kelly McGillis if Cruise hadn't introduced me to their finer points (though I really have to give credit for the last one to Harrison "Hand Solo" Ford in Witness)? 
Julia Stiles hangs up her iambic pentameter dance shoes for this shot by shot remake of the classic 70's horror fest. I don't know why anyone would think that the antichrist would even have special powers as a kid. When Jesus was a kid he was building rocking chairs and shit. Him and Harrison Ford were both carpenters until they got their big breaks. Besides, the sign of the devil isn't three consecutive numbers; it's the ingredients on a Jell-O pudding pop. The coming of the antichrist isn't related to politics, it's Raymond's "brother" Brad Garret getting his own show on Fox. I mean we all know the end of the world is already upon us. Tom Cruise had a kid for Christ's sakes. So instead of telling you what you probably already know about yet another remake of a 70's horror classic. I offer you this. 
I just saw Superman Returns and I can tell you that the taste in my mouth, is far worse than the putrid remnants of Jager and bratwurst with sauerkraut and mayonnaise that I hurled on the fourth of July. Judging by the numbers, a mere 107 million domestic dollars in one week, most of you have already seen the film, so let me move past my review that would be forced to mention the bad casting, ridiculous plot, and overmarketing, and just ask you all my top ten questions about Superman Returns.
