Every other Friday, resident Marine & entertainment reviewer, Joaquim Harold “Napalm” Jones, Gy. Sgt. USMC (Ret.) , takes a look at the shit flung on screens and out of stereos.
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How can you have any kind of respect for yourself if the same guy who brought you "Nightmare on My Street" and "Parents Just Don't Understand" makes you cry like Jodie Foster in The Accused? Should anyone give a fuck about Obi Wan trying to bang the chick that created Peter Rabbit? Would I give a lumpy stool sample if everyone if the world stopped having kids? Is Jack Black really the guy you see as the lead in a romantic comedy? The answer to all of these questions is no! Hands down this has been the absolute worst winter season for movies that I can remember. It's not that these movies are terrible. I mean, look at last year when I was reviewing Blood Rayne and Ultra Violet at this time, but at least those had hot chicks in pleather. No, it's the fact that regardless of how finely crafted these films are they just don't offer anything appealing to me. No guns, no titties, no jokes, so no Napalm. I entirely refuse to give free publicity to any of these films. So let's pretend I reviewed them all with 2 severed ears and move on.
And speaking of publicity for holiday films, I would sincerely like to apologize to our advertisers, especially the fine folks at MGM/Sony. We respect and appreciate the hard earned dollars that you have spent to advertise your film Rocky Balboa on TPP. It was regrettable that my review did not create positive synergy with your advertising campaign. Had I known your ads would start running the same day as my review, I would not have described your film as a "waste of electricity" and would have been far more grateful of the ad dollars you have so graciously spent with us. I am also truly thankful that you asked us to pull down the homepage tagline that said "Fuck the ads. I'm not going to Rocky Balboa". I thoroughly share the same sentiment that freedom of the press and freedom of speech is completely distasteful, and that the internet should be censured by the sponsors- like network television. The sooner this website starts looking like an episode of "According to Jim" the better off we'll all be. So please accept my humblest apology for any slump in business our website may have cost your burgeoning mom and pop company. As a token of my sincerity, I promise to see Casino Royale two more times and buy a PS3 with 10 Blu-Ray copies of Hannibal, just as soon as Sly Stallone returns my phone call and explains why a former porn star who has made one good movie (Cobra) is still famous at all.
Since obviously this winter's movies are a bigger waste than the fleshy hood on my uncircumcised penis, this week I thought I'd take a look at one of my favorite guilty pleasures, Reality TV.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill!
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby.
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass.
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch.
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
No matter how you try to package it and shove it down my throat, I can't fucking stand karaoke. "Don't Stop Believing" that even if you were actually Steve Perry that I would stop throwing cabbage at you. For fuck's sake, don't people know that a Michael Jackson impersonation is not only more dated than an acid washed jean jacket but also just about as gay as playing Cher songs on the jukebox in a bar called the Manhole. As many times as we have all heard "Thriller", you should be warned now that no one knows all the lyrics and the song is like 14 minutes long. Two facts you may want to consider before you jump on stage at Dimples in Burbank trying to impress that hot actress- I mean, waitress- in the back.
Sadly, as much as I truly despise Karaoke, I am the biggest fan of public humiliation. When a man sharts himself wearing white dockers, I want to be there. When an old lady falls down the subway stairs, I want to the one to help her up so I can laugh in her face. When the cocky dad burns off his eyebrows lighting the grill with gasoline, I can only hope that someone has the video camera rolling. And that's why this season of American Idol is so damn good. There are very few front runners or obvious picks to go straight to the top. In fact, I gather that after Hollywood week, unless there are multiple nipple slips on the live broadcasts, that the actual contest part of the show will be about as exiting as watching those four drunk sorority girls that everyone knows screaming the words to "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" at the top of their lungs during the middle of the trivia contest at BW3s.
It's the first half of the season that gets me going. Our dawgs Randy and Simon and their heavily medicated cheerleader sidekick Paula are subjected to 800 auditions a day in which some no talent hack actually believes they can sing like Stevie Wonder. Even some of the best contestants, like last years dentally challenged Elliot Yamin (who now has a new grill thanks to the cosmetic dentistry of Dr. David Frey, DDS who now owes me a free cleaning for the plug), can barely eek out half the style of the snake-charmer-head-bobbing of the blind crooner. But yet they try. And through the magic of editing, every wince filled glance from Randy, every dead accurate character assassination from Simon, every unintelligible compliment from MC Skat Kat's dance partner, and every dreadful note of the six hundredth rendition of My Cherie Amour please the shit out of me. Too bad the show eventually has to degenerate into what is at best a boring version of "The Gong Show". But at least they kept the drunk host part. You didn't think there was actually Coke in those judges cups did you?
VH1 takes the term "celebreality" more and more loosely everyday. I mean, is a two-time second place finisher on a reality show designed to get Flavor Flav laid really a celebrity deserving of her own show? And does anyone actually remember MC Search (as in search your brain and you might kinda remember his 3rd Bass classics "Pop Goes The Weasel" and "The Gas Face"). In my opinion, VH1 should leave the "celebreality" to the nights that feature Danny Bonaduce in a roid rage, the Hulkster's daughter in a thong, and Mini Me winning a who's got the biggest dick contest between him, Ron Jeremy, Chyna's clit. Personally, I am not a fan of the anything in "The Osbornes" through "Celebrity Fit Club" gamut. I prefer my reality TV be more like crack cocaine. You know it's bad for you. It's well established that it can't possibly bring anything good to your life. It has no social merit whatsoever. But if you try that shit one time you'll be hooked faster than my nephew's braces and his upper lip when I slammed into his bumper car at Great Adventure.
"I Love New York" is basically a vehicle for that chickenhead skank that pumpkin spit at in season one and her Skeksis of a mom to find Flav's not so beloved Ms. New York a piece of man meat. At first, I was thinking the show totally sucked. Their were no chicks shitting themselves, no cat fights, and no women being forced to lick the plaque off of Flav's gold grills just to win a contest. In fact, not only did the whole first epsiode play out in the backyard with no plot or contest of anykind, but the overriding theme was how gay Sister Skeksis thought most of the guys were, while standing right next to New York's Human Torch flamy assistant. In fact most of the show was so gay that it featured one contestant who cried about his dead puppy, one who counted his abs, and one who had previously been on 4 other reality dating shows. So why did I like this crackish piece of television? You have to love seeing a white boy from Boston who is sketchier than Michael J Fox's signature trying to throw down with a guy who at best looks like a combination of 50 Cent and Skrappy Doo over Flavor Flavs sloppy seconds. I mean we are literally talking about men getting in each other's faces to win a women that the ugliest man in Hip Hop history did not want. Hilarious! And nothing was more classic than the moment when the Latin lover guy tried to come up with a cute name for New York. It sounded great in Spanish, Mi Negrita. His translation was something like, pretty black girl. But in her mind it came out like "my little niggerette". I reality I believe it means stone-face. Totally hilarious.
And speaking of the unspeakable N-word. Fat white rapper chick Persia's use of the n-word sounded more natural coming out of her mouth than any member of the Wu-Tang clan when she used the word vigorously while punking out fellow white rapper wannabe John Brown with a giant dildo. Personally, I was more shocked that a mumble-mouth thug MC of any race would let a fat chick slap him in the face with a rubber penis. But in this day and age of "It still stings doesn't it?", being pummeled with penis takes a backseat to a white rapper using "nigga" like 65% of hip hop culture has been doing since 1978. God forbid you should have a show where you force white kids to try to be more black and urban and then penalize them when the actually pull it off. But like I said before, I am a fan of public humiliation. So as much as I did not mind Persia's repeated use of "nigga" and her very intelligent defense of using the word later, her punishment might have been one of the best moments of public humiliation ever. She was forced to wear a dookie rope chain that said "N-Word" in giant shiny block letters as she played putt putt golf in a predominantly black section of the Bronx. And when I say dookie I mean the plate on this thing had to be at least 10"x17". She looked like she had more bling on than Ghostface did in "Fade To Black". She might as well have been wearing a license plate that said "KKK ROX". I don't know if this show will continue to be good as we watch a bunch of white kids try to carry on the underground traditions that black hip hop artists have long since abandoned for Bentley's and Cristal, but I can tell you that even without cameos from Prince Paul and Grand Master Flash, this first episode deserves a spot in the Reality Show Hall of Fame.
Goddamn! I have never laughed out loud this much in my life. There is not a stupider bunch of chicks anywhere on the planet nor a group of guys any less deserving of an opportunity to bang them. This show has taken stuffing a nerd in his locker and tricking a dumb cheerleader into just blowing you so no one calls her a slut to the ultimate level. Somehow Ashton Kutcher and his buddy Jason Goldberg managed to hit their stride this season with a show designed to expose the intelligence of hot chicks and the inexperience of nerds. I'll admit that it's no Burnettian display of cutthroat strategy and bug eating, but in the end, you know that this twisted social experiment is actually the best thing for these people, not just a chance to starve yourself to a million bucks. The heart of this show is that these geeks get some much needed attention from chicks plus a long overdue unibrow plucking, and the girls get a chance to learn how to read! Just don't ask any of them to say "enigmatic".
Last season sent me into an uproar when not only did the awesome Rubik's cube geek get eliminated early on, but so did the hottest walking bag of fuck I've ever seen, Thais. But this year justice is served. Sure they ousted all the minorities right off the bat, but Sanjay was really out of line with his condemnation of Windows XP users who are not smart enough to switch to Linux. His partner was the hottest black chick I've seen since the first time I saw Foxy Brown, but thankfully the ugly girl with the fivehead was next in line. Sure she was a Hooters waitress but her IQ was higher than the number of fingers on her right hand and was thusly not deserving of a spot on this show. The other chick with half brain, Andrea, looks like she was designed to drink a penis so I hope she stays, but if not, brilliant comments like "Superman's alter ego is Kryptonite" and that "George Washington won the civil war for Alabama" that come out of bikini model Cecille mouth will surely suffice.
And the geeks aren't much better. When they were asked whether or not they had the ability to get some booty, not one but three of them thought the question was actually about pirate treasure. They all redeemed themselves however by immediately tuning out every word that came out of a naked models mouth. I know I have some issues, and I should probably read a book or something, but I honestly think that "Beauty and The Geek" might be the purest form of entertainment on TV today. To me, reality TV is at it's best when you can laugh and wince at the participants from start to finish every time. And I can guarantee that you'll never get enough of watching just how inept these idiots and geniuses are.
1. I once had a daddy long legs fall all the way from the ceiling on to my face when I was tripping on acid and have had a phobia of spiders ever since. I can't even begin to tell you how hard it was to sit through Eight Legged Freaks, but I will do anything for Scarlet "Boing" Johansson. Regardless my question this week is not only what is your worst phobia, but create your own phobia and tell me who you think has it.
Posts: 55 Rank: 151 Joined:
1/8/2007
Location:
Johannesburg, South Africa
Posted: 1/12/2007 6:16:02 AM
I have a serious problem with heights. I couldn't even sit through the opening Casino Royale fight seen on top of the crane. Gay, I know. Bite me.
1) Humourphobia: The fear of saying something that is actually funny. Noteable sufferers: Ray whatever (from everybody loves Raymond), Larry the cable guy and life-long honourary president of the humourphobia club, Robin Williams.
2) Simon says: Holy crap Paula, I hope you swallow, I'm gonna blow!
Posts: 1062 Rank: 12 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 1/12/2007 8:11:38 AM
i actually know all the lyrics to vincent price's speaking cameo in the song.. i may or may not be queer.
as for andrea on beauty/geek - "drink a penis" thank you for putting into words the same exact thing i was thinking, but couldn't because of said hotness. nice job. Q&A 1. i've always had the fear of spiders, but if i shared your experience of having any insect drop on my face while laced, my head would have exploded. steve jobs has the fear of not being 1st to create the "dawson's creek trapper keeper ultra-keeper futura 2000"
2. white rappers group name and name of cd: "o-town gators - rollin' hard, chompin bones"
3. however much it will cost me to buy back my dignity from the sugar bowl.
1. Rancalosophobia- Living is such a state of fear that your "User Rank" will lower that you vote your shit comments funny and everyone elses funny comments shit.
2. White rappers: The look after they've been informed that Kraft Services ran out of mayonaisse and wonderbread
Posts: 16 Rank: 186 Joined:
12/12/2006
Location:
Swilladelphia, PA
Posted: 1/12/2007 9:21:09 AM
1. Fear of puss filled sores oozing syphilus juice down your leg. . . I feel like Charlie Sheen should have this fear b/c I know he's banged WAY more prostitutes than I have and it's something I have nightmares about regularly.
2. #18 in your programs but #1 in your hearts. . .Starting center for the fat-striped shirt team, MC Search!
3. OSU is overrated and I would never be stupid enough to bet on them. . . .or $100 you cock-smoker. Had to rub salt in the wound, didn't you?
Posts: 1265 Rank: 7 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
TPP Island, NY
Posted: 1/12/2007 9:29:06 AM
1. I’m deathly afraid of making funny comment on TPP, When Deuce gave me props yesterday I did know if I should shit or wind my watch…I ended up shitting on my watch.
2. Last pic “I didn’t steal this shirt, DC said I could borrow it.”
Posts: 154 Rank: 55 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Capital of Awesome, IA
Posted: 1/12/2007 9:32:05 AM
1. Fattiephobia - The fear of large girls. All my friends seem to have it, but it's looking like I don't....especially when I get a couple jack n cokes in me.
2. Simon pic - "Ahhh Bloody Hell, Wearing these white khakis was a bad descision...I believe that I've sharted!"
3. Thankfully I seem to have a betting phobia, so I lost nada.
Posts: 1542 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 1/12/2007 10:12:33 AM
1. Climactophobia - fear of yanking out the anal beads while you cum for fear of shitting all over the place because while she's totally cool with ramming 14 inches of sex toy up your rectum she's not ready to commit to plastic sheets yet.
Sufferers - ?
2. (Last one) "Is that you? Jesus, just try to make through this..."
3. $50, way to show up guys. Not like that was a big game or anything.
1. I'm personally afraid of soy milk. I have no idea why...it just freaks me out. Invented Phobia: Normalcyphobia - The fear of actually being a normal person. This phobia is the stimulus behind people creating worthless and unnecessary crap like; reality TV, second hand clothes stores, soy milk, and anything you might see and react to with, "what the funk!?"
2. White Rappers: "Here we see the founding members of the Reverse Oreo Club. ...may God have no mercy on their souls."
Posts: 45 Rank: 185 Joined:
12/13/2006
Location:
Salt Lake City, UT
Posted: 1/12/2007 10:47:46 AM
When I hear a phrase as un-p.c. as"sketchier than Michael J Fox's signature" it makes me proud to be an American...but prouder that I don't have Parkinson's disease.
I passed hell a long time ago. I'm well on my way to Needles, CA.
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No matter how you try to package it and shove it down my throat, I can't fucking stand karaoke. "Don't Stop Believing" that even if you were actually Steve Perry that I would stop throwing cabbage at you. For fuck's sake, don't people know that a Michael Jackson impersonation is not only more dated than an acid washed jean jacket but also just about as gay as playing Cher songs on the jukebox in a bar called the Manhole. As many times as we have all heard "Thriller", you should be warned now that no one knows all the lyrics and the song is like 14 minutes long. Two facts you may want to consider before you jump on stage at Dimples in Burbank trying to impress that hot actress- I mean, waitress- in the back.
"I Love New York" is basically a vehicle for that chickenhead skank that pumpkin spit at in season one and her Skeksis of a mom to find Flav's not so beloved Ms. New York a piece of man meat. At first, I was thinking the show totally sucked. Their were no chicks shitting themselves, no cat fights, and no women being forced to lick the plaque off of Flav's gold grills just to win a contest. In fact, not only did the whole first epsiode play out in the backyard with no plot or contest of anykind, but the overriding theme was how gay Sister Skeksis thought most of the guys were, while standing right next to New York's Human Torch flamy assistant. In fact most of the show was so gay that it featured one contestant who cried about his dead puppy, one who counted his abs, and one who had previously been on 4 other reality dating shows. So why did I like this crackish piece of television? You have to love seeing a white boy from Boston who is sketchier than Michael J Fox's signature trying to throw down with a guy who at best looks like a combination of 50 Cent and Skrappy Doo over Flavor Flavs sloppy seconds. I mean we are literally talking about men getting in each other's faces to win a women that the ugliest man in Hip Hop history did not want. Hilarious! And nothing was more classic than the moment when the Latin lover guy tried to come up with a cute name for New York. It sounded great in Spanish, Mi Negrita. His translation was something like, pretty black girl. But in her mind it came out like "my little niggerette". I reality I believe it means stone-face. Totally hilarious.
And speaking of the unspeakable N-word. Fat white rapper chick Persia's use of the n-word sounded more natural coming out of her mouth than any member of the Wu-Tang clan when she used the word vigorously while punking out fellow white rapper wannabe John Brown with a giant dildo. Personally, I was more shocked that a mumble-mouth thug MC of any race would let a fat chick slap him in the face with a rubber penis. But in this day and age of "It still stings doesn't it?", being pummeled with penis takes a backseat to a white rapper using "nigga" like 65% of hip hop culture has been doing since 1978. God forbid you should have a show where you force white kids to try to be more black and urban and then penalize them when the actually pull it off. But like I said before, I am a fan of public humiliation. So as much as I did not mind Persia's repeated use of "nigga" and her very intelligent defense of using the word later, her punishment might have been one of the best moments of public humiliation ever. She was forced to wear a dookie rope chain that said "N-Word" in giant shiny block letters as she played putt putt golf in a predominantly black section of the Bronx. And when I say dookie I mean the plate on this thing had to be at least 10"x17". She looked like she had more bling on than Ghostface did in "Fade To Black". She might as well have been wearing a license plate that said "KKK ROX". I don't know if this show will continue to be good as we watch a bunch of white kids try to carry on the underground traditions that black hip hop artists have long since abandoned for Bentley's and Cristal, but I can tell you that even without cameos from Prince Paul and Grand Master Flash, this first episode deserves a spot in the Reality Show Hall of Fame.
Goddamn! I have never laughed out loud this much in my life. There is not a stupider bunch of chicks anywhere on the planet nor a group of guys any less deserving of an opportunity to bang them. This show has taken stuffing a nerd in his locker and tricking a dumb cheerleader into just blowing you so no one calls her a slut to the ultimate level. Somehow Ashton Kutcher and his buddy Jason Goldberg managed to hit their stride this season with a show designed to expose the intelligence of hot chicks and the inexperience of nerds. I'll admit that it's no Burnettian display of cutthroat strategy and bug eating, but in the end, you know that this twisted social experiment is actually the best thing for these people, not just a chance to starve yourself to a million bucks. The heart of this show is that these geeks get some much needed attention from chicks plus a long overdue unibrow plucking, and the girls get a chance to learn how to read! Just don't ask any of them to say "enigmatic". 
