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The rack that brought down the NHL
So, Tiger Woods is going to be a father. How it took him this long is anyone's guess. It's sort of like when he makes par on a par-5. It's not bad, but we expect better. Anyway, the news has spawned the inevitable string of columns by sports writers, predictably desperate to relate to the athletes they never were, as to how fatherhood has affected them and whether it will affect Tiger's career. While that remains to be seen, his career has already survived a far more dangerous pitfall - the very womb that will carry his child - which is more than a fair share of star athletes can say. Ladies and gentlemen, the All-Pussy-Whipped Team.
Mike Tyson Iron Mike is the modern pioneer of this group. He became the youngest heavyweight champion in history in 1986 at age 20, and was on top of the world two years later, looking absolutely invincible after 90 seconds of beatdown on a helpless Michael Spinks. The only person capable of bringing Tyson down never even set foot in the ring with him: Robin Givens. As it turned out, the real Robin Givens was an even bigger bitch than here television counterpart, and before you could say, "Ludicrous," Tyson went from champ, to rapist to cannibal. With a lot of help from Robin Givens and one well-placed uppercut, Buster Douglas knocked Tyson out, and the whole heavyweight division hit the canvas right alongside him.
Nomar Garciaparra This is what happens when your wife is manlier than you are. In fact, I'm not sure it's even technically correct to call him pussy whipped. But he's undoubtedly whipped by some part of Mia Hamm's anatomy, and the results are far less complicated. Before Hamm, he won consecutive batting titles in 1999 and 2000 (when he hit a gaudy .372) and was arguably the best all-around piece of the Holy Trinity of Shortstops. After: a wrist, an Achilles tendon, a groin (let me guess, Mia--he fell down the stairs?), two teams in two years and a new career as a...first baseman?
Andre Agassi This one's hard to talk about, because the guy was my idol as a kid. It's even harder knowing he managed to distinguish himself as the only guy on the list to overcome his bout with estrogen poisoning, only to fall again. In the early 1990s, Agassi was not only the most popular player in his own sport, but one of the most popular sports figures in the world. He had won his first major on the unlikely stage of Wimbledon and looked to finally realize his potential. And then he drowned in the Blue Lagoon, his career almost washed away by a has-been actress who was taller and had bushier eyebrows (no small feat given Andre's Middle Eastern ancestry). Before long, he had fallen completely off the charts and was playing lower-tier challenger events just to get back on the regular tour. And then he woke up. Feathered mullet: gone. Brooke Shields: gone. Hideous Nike shirts: well, nobody's perfect. But Andre not only regained his previous form, he surpassed it, reaching No. 1 in the world and becoming one of only a handful of players to ever win all four majors. Then he married Steffi Graf and had a couple of kids, but he was still a mostly legitimate competitor until his last match at the U.S Open. But he was wearing Adidas. Come on, Andre. You helped put Nike on the map. Now you're going to let your wife dress you?
Anna Kournikova Sticking with tennis, but with an obvious twist. Maybe the team should be called the All-P-Whipped Team to account for her presence, but make no mistake, she belongs here. She had (and probably still has somewhere) a ton of game. At 10, she was featured in Tennis magazine as the next big thing. At 16, she reached the semis at Wimbledon and won two Grand Slam doubles titles with Martina Hingis (or as I like to call them, the Wet Dream Team). It wasn't until she starting getting beat 5-hole by Sergei Federov and Pavel Bure that she realized she could make a lot more and work a lot less by just being hot.
David Beckham What more could be expected from a guy who had to marry one of the hottest women on the planet just to avoid being prettier than his own wife? I'll be honest on this one: I don't have a lot of hard evidence to show any decline in Beckham's skills since marrying Posh Spice. But I do know this: At one time or another, he's been considered the world's best soccer player (which is sort of like being the valedictorian at summer school). He's certainly the most famous. He's played for two of the most storied soccer clubs on Earth. And now he's bringing his world-famous game to--L.A.? What's the over/under on her being back in the public eye every single day? One can only hope some filmmaker in Van Nuys can talk her into a starring role in Bend Over Like Mrs. Beckham.
Wayne Gretzky Gretzky's story can only be described as a prime example of the pure and awesome power of the Notorious V.A.G. Gretzky might be the best single player in any sport, at least relative to the competition. But it wasn't a cross-check by some goon that brought down the Great One. It was a fictional gymnast. Gretzky had won his fourth Stanley Cup with the Edmonton Oilers in 1988 when he was traded to the L.A. Kings. A month later, he married actress (and I use the term loosely) Janet Jones. A member of the Canadian legislature actually tried to block the trade. Oilers owner Peter Pocklington was burned in effigy. Jones became the NHL's answer to Helen of Troy (although I hear Helen preferred blackjack to sports betting). Hey, most guys back then would've given just about anything to be Jones' pommel horse, but you can't just turn your back on your country, especially if you're a hockey player and it's Canada.
So there's your inaugural list of pussy whipped atheletes. Tony Parker, if you're reading this, we'll save a jacket for you.
Posts: 808 Rank: 11 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 2/8/2007 8:24:49 AM
and great ending. (i'd also keep a jacket handy for that kid that won the boise st. game & 5 seconds later proposed to a cheerleader. he gets points for it being a cheerleader, but if he had waited just 1 night, the entire boise state campus would have been round-off, back-handspringing the pussy at him).
however, i think you over-estimate robo-tits' (posh spice) hotness.
somebody brought it up yesterday in the white RB article but he deserves a spot here also: jason sehorn. conventional wisdom would say it was his knee injury that cost him his speed and flushed the great white hope down the toilet, but i call bullshit, angie harmon.
Posts: 53 Rank: 113 Joined:
1/8/2007
Location:
Johannesburg, South Africa
Posted: 2/8/2007 8:53:52 AM
I have to agree with deuce on the whole Posh Spice thing. I don't get how everyone in England rates her as the hottest chick in the UK. On the other hand, most UK ladies are fucking hideously ugly, so I guess they do have a point. And as for her husband, he was never even close to being the best soccer player on the planet, he was just the best marketed player. His soccer skills suck balls.
While he might not be any good, or was every any good for that matter, Doug Christie is the biggest pussy whipped athlete of them all, he even has a frickin realty show with his psycho wife.
Posts: 453 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Burbank (for the week), CA
Posted: 2/8/2007 12:34:40 PM
His overbearing, insane (albeit hot) wife publicly announced she'd run the train on the whole mets squad if she heard he cheated on him. Then he went to baltimore where she made a bigger splash than he did. Poor guy didn't have the chance to shine; his wife was too busy shaking her tits at the camera for anyone to notice he had a good 4 seam & great off-speed...
maybe able to blame part of his downward spiral on that bitch but he's a fucking psycho. He would have eventually imploded all on his own, thanks in part to Don King, for completely fucking Tyson over and Tyson not even knowing it. I mean for fucks sake he got a giant tatoo on his face. The man is not mentally stable.
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Mike Tyson
Nomar Garciaparra
Andre Agassi
Anna Kournikova
David Beckham
Wayne Gretzky
