Juan Turlington does not take advantage of the wide array of felonies available to him in American society. Mail Tampering takes such little effort that it makes him feel warm and fuzzy inside. Every other Tuesday, abducted wanderers are snatched from their path, never to find their intended destination. They slowly become "Other People’s Mail." These are their lost, misguided voices.
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This coat covers my enormous red rocket, a red rocket with which Bob Barker is obsessed.
To: Bob Barker From: McGruff, The Crime Dog Re: complaint #137 about the spaying and neutering shit
Dear Bob,
I have to tell you, I've had all I can fucking take with the whole, "Remember to have your pets spayed or neutered" bullshit. I've written you about this shit for years and all I keep getting in return are lists of vets that will remove my reproductive organs. I can remove your reproductive organs, Bob. I'll clamp my teeth down on those fuckers and rip my head away at mind bending speed. Then, I'll spit those bloody bastards down the Plinko board as a fleshy wad of retribution. What do you have to say about that, you geriatric fuckstick? Someone should illustrate my "Barker Deballing" with step-by-step instructions, print it on a t-shirt, and wear it to one of your tapings. It sure as fuck beats, "Wisconsin dairy farmers love Bob... there's no udder."
Don't get me wrong, Bob. I understand the fact that you are a huge animal rights supporter. That's fan-fucking-tastic. I completely agree with you about all that shit. Thanks. Now, there's a fine line between supporting my rights and the ritualistic slicing and dicing of my balls. Leave my fucking junk alone. They're none of your goddamned business. You should end the show with a line that doesn't involve genital mutilation. Try, "Don't kick your fucking dog" or, "Don't make coats out of rabbits." Didn't you run into some trouble in the past about being over-concerned with the genitals of others? Several out-of-court settlements with former "Barker Beauties" concerning sexual harassment lawsuits seem to ring a bell. Damn, Bob, all it is with you all day is genitals, genitals, genitals.
Your last name is BARKer? Is this some sick fucking joke?
Shit, Bob, you are in a position where you can speak to millions of people each and every day. Your soapbox spans the entire country and you choose "controlling the pet population by spaying and neutering" as your lifelong message. Leave our fucking population alone, Barker. Fuck it, man, just kick it up a level and offer tickets to the Price is Right for throwing pets off buildings. That would keep our numbers down, you sick fuck. I haven't witnessed someone so beloved for preaching "population control" since Hitler and the Nazis.
You don't see me running around on television complaining about a population epidemic concerning the elderly. Maybe I should. I wonder how you would like it. All of you drive like shit and smell like wet carpet. I could retire my old line, "Take a bite out of crime," and start using, "Steal your grandma's heart pills and flush them down the toilet," or "Unplug your grandpa's respirator." If anyone thinks my new message is cruel, I'll just tell them that I am an elderly rights supporter and I want to keep their population at a healthy level. I bet your creepy molesting ass wouldn't like that shit.
I'll be eagerly anticipating your reply, Bob. It can all be summarized simply. Stop telling people to butcher my junk and I won't rip your nuts off like they were a sticky fucking band-aid.
this parade of my favorite line was, so I'll just say that this was brilliant, full of punchlines and was directed at such a deserving target. I don't know about everyone else, but I've always hated this fucker. There's something about Bob Barker that makes me want to push him down the stairs in the M.C. Escher room... I bet you'll break a hip or two on that one you perverted old fuck. Also, all those bitches on your show look way too much alike, how about a little variety. Maybe that's the reason you havent been able to get it up since 1983. In short, I will be throwing a party the day you die Bob Barker, and just for the record, Plinko is the stupidest fucking game ever.
Posts: 32 Rank: 40 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Amherst, MA
Posted: 4/3/2007 11:32:33 AM
I picture that it goes like this: McGruff walks backstage with murder on his mind. He sees Barker going at it with one of the "Beauties." Filled with rage at the sight of Barker's shriveled sack, he pulls the old bastard off, tears his nuts off according to the article, then proceeds to finish the "Beauty" doggy-style. I have a feeling that Michael Knight would be watching, accidentally fondling his genitals.
Posts: 92 Rank: 2098 Joined:
1/3/2007
Location:
Chicago, IL
Posted: 4/3/2007 12:00:07 PM
Too bad Bob is still knee deep with pussy, he kicked Billy Madison's ass and hill kick yours too. Look at yourself you perverse mongrel. We all know why you where that trench, so you can go flashing your junk at all the 5 and 6 year olds your supposed to be teaching. The man should put you down for all the child molesting you do. Take a bite out of this, Bitch.
But otherwise, its a hilarious article. Bob Barker's still cooler.
Posts: 96 Rank: 44 Joined:
3/16/2007
Location:
Kansas City, MO
Posted: 4/3/2007 12:25:24 PM
Until the bastards can organize and put on a decent march, they deserve what they get. Which is to be given ridiculous hair cuts, surgically altered to better suit our needs, and put into embarrassing sweaters. Fuck 'em.
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