Juan Turlington does not take advantage of the wide array of felonies available to him in American society. Mail Tampering takes such little effort that it makes him feel warm and fuzzy inside. Every other Tuesday, abducted wanderers are snatched from their path, never to find their intended destination. They slowly become "Other People’s Mail." These are their lost, misguided voices.
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Soundwave
To: "Soundwave" tape_to_the_dizzeck@decepticons.org From: "Ipodimus Nanocron" itunes@decepticons.org Re: Some shit to get off of my incredibly technologically advanced chest"
Hey Buddy,
How's it hanging? What are you up to these days, my friend? Are you playing some cassette tapes? Awesome. Do you have any big plans this evening? Are you going to rock out to your copy of the Cocktail Motion Picture Soundtrack that transforms into a mother-fucking bird? That's about as sweet as growing a mustache. What's that fucking bird's name again? Laserbeak? He is a fucking joke. One can only be so imposing when their playlist includes "Kokomo" featuring John Stamos on the bongos. If I were you, I would order his retarded ass to eject from my ancient tape deck and kamikaze his ass into the fucking side of a cliff.
Soundwave, I don't know why, but your cassette tape technology from yesteryear makes me want to rip your fucking nuts off with an industrial strength magnet. The big blue hairdryer that you slap on your arm every now and again doesn't help your cause.
The only weaponry that I am equipped with is a vast army of mp3 files that transform into face-eating fire ants that attack my enemies electronically. They literally eat your eyes from behind your face. They pull your skin inside out and force you to shit your internal organs out into an unsightly puddle. It's an unbelievable sight. I guess you could call me a killing machine, just as I can call you an out-dated fucktard that's about as useful as a water cooler filled with urine.
Besides that, I can hold an outrageously absurd amount of songs in my Ipod Nano form. Your cassette tapes are carrying about twelve or so, right? You should just stop fucking around and start changing into a phonograph.
Ipodimus Nanocron
Another great thing about you, on top of your technological superiority, is that you also spend every waking moment of your life sucking on Megatron's dick like it shoots out Kool Aid. I am truly having a great deal of difficulty computing how you haven't blown out your own fucking brains yet? Doesn't the load become too hard to bear sometimes? You have no rational purpose. Unless, of course, you define speaking in an endless monotonous tone as a rational purpose. In that case, you are fucking sweet.
Did I mention that I can play movies as well? I almost forgot to mention that fact. Megatron uploaded, like, thirty-eight pornos on me last night. He hasn't been hanging out with you too much as of late.
That really gets me thinking. I wonder who Megatron values more as a right-hand man. I score him four solid minutes of Jenna Jameson chaining a nude mailwoman to a countertop, and you deliver him the B-side of Michael Jackson's Bad. I bet Megatron is scratching his head trying to decide. I bet he'll end up flipping a coin after his brain begins to ache under the pressure of the impending decision.
I don't know what I'm talking about. I should really lay off of you. I am so sure that you have a long future ahead with the Decepticons. You are just so fucking cool. Nothing fills empty time like blindly fast-forwarding through a tape reel, hoping that you might luckily locate the ever-fleeting song for which you are searching. It's simply thrilling.
All of your technological features are about as useful as a Thanksgiving turkey stuffed with dogshit and black jelly beans. Who isn't looking for a selfless suck-ass that has the ability to play outdated forms of multimedia? Megatron would be out of his mind to let you go.
Tom Cruise
Well, I guess I really don't have much more to say. I hope you'll excuse me. I really had to get all of this off of my chest. It's time for me to close. Earlier today, I uploaded a bootleg copy of Spiderman 3 for Megatron. He's buying me a t-bone and all the pitchers I can drink as a sign of gratitude for my service. Success is a beautiful feeling. It washes over you and refreshes your entire being like a warm ocean wave. I'll record the rest of my thoughts concerning the experience on a cassette tape for you.
Posts: 1517 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 5/1/2007 7:42:35 AM
We'll see how you handle it when Soundwave hits you with some Iron Maiden right in the heat of battle! What are you gong to do? Your ass doesn't have any speakers!!! Are we all gonna line up and take turns using the headphones? Huh? Get fucked Nanocron.
Posts: 1032 Rank: 11 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 5/1/2007 8:12:34 AM
until i read balls' inspired post.
nano-gay has to have the ibose or iclock or ifist cram it in his turd-cutter if anyone wants to hear anything. what good is porn with no sound? i could just bang my wife if i wanted that...
anyway, juan, this was really good, even if the logic is flawed. your ability to make my childhood cartoons as awesome as i remember them is unmatched. 5ives.
Posts: 1084 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
My Cubicle, CO
Posted: 5/1/2007 10:05:09 AM
Hey at least soundwave can say he had a sucessful stint on a forever loved cartoon, AND a cameo on Family Guy. What shows have ipodimus been on? Thats right, NONE.
Posts: 36 Rank: 69 Joined:
3/22/2007
Location:
Zion, IL
Posted: 5/1/2007 12:28:09 PM
"5 Weightless Steven Hawkings Tossed Around Business Class"
I (+) your shit just because of that. Did you see him get bounced around? I laughed my ass off.
The only thing that would have made that better is if the attendants had dressed him up in a silver jump-suit and forced his fingers into the Spock "We come in peace" V-sign.
Remeber that this new age fucker can double as a mirror too.
Although without the protective Ipodimus Leather armored Casebot jimmy wrapping Nanocron, he'll only work for a few months. Then again, even with the casebot he'll be made obselete by the creation of Ipodimus veetwo-atron in another 9 months.
Besides...Optimus Prime pulls all the pussytron anyway.
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