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I'm sorry I screwed you guys by not posting a Vicious Beating yesterday. I didn't get a chance to write it. So to make up for it, I've got something for you today.
Last week, a copy of Esquire magazine was mistakenly delivered to me. I thought about just throwing it away, but my curiosity got the best of me. I've always wondered what kind of a guy reads magazines like Esquire, Details, and GQ. From what I've seen, they are basically Playboy without the naked women, and everyone knows that the pages in Playboy without photos are just there for you to glue together.
Most of the magazine was exactly what I expected: advertisements featuring ugly models wearing ridiculous looking clothes, interviews with hip actors and musicians (Robert Downey, Christina Ricci, Iggy Pop), ads for nauseating cologne, essays written by hip writers like Chuck Klosterman, ads for watches that cost more than my car, idiotic quizzes, and more ads for clothes and gadgets disguised as articles.
I could spend a month commenting on the shit in that rag, but here are some of the highlights:
In a section called "The Guide," I came across this piece about what women look for in men written by Courtney Cox. Are these idiots serious? Courtney Cox-Arquette?! I'm sorry, but the last person I'm taking advice from is the chick who thinks David Arquette is the perfect man. Unbelieveable.
On another page, I came across this ridiculous list of shoes every "man" needs:
Who made this list? If the bottom of your closet looks something like that, I suspect there is a pile Playgirls next to those "classic sneakers." Where are the slippers? Where are the basketball shoes?
Here's a real list of the five shoes every man needs:
First of all, you don't need four fucking pairs of dress shoes. At most, you need a pair of brown and a pair of black, and that's only if you have to wear a suit to work. Otherwise, you only need a pair of black shoes for weddings, funerals, and the occasional court appearance.
Every guy knows that a pair of really comfortable slippers is essential. Getting some with a rubber sole is a smart move because then you can pretty much go the whole weekend without having to put on shoes.
I'm not sure how you can put together a list of shoes that every man needs without putting a pair of work boots on there. I don't trust any guy who doesn't drink, own work boots, and have...
...a pair of fucked up, old basketball sneakers. Am I supposed to mow the lawn in those $140 bucks?
It doesn't matter if you golf or not. You've gotta have golf shoes. You're going to end up on the links at some point, and after you turn 15, you can't show up in old sneakers.
*****
Like I said, I could probably do this shit for every page, but I'll hold off until I see if anyone gives a shit.
Posts: 1069 Rank: 20 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 3/23/2007 7:58:01 AM
out of the gate, #1, lead off dinger. nice job.
great call on the shoes too.. except sub some old "billfish" for me to mow my lawn in. trust me, if you saw me play ball, you'd expect me to wear top-siders anyway.
is it weird that napalm and "a beating" on the same day gave me a boner?
The only classic sneakers are Chuck Taylors or Rod Lavers, neither cost $95. Esquire's target market is multi-millionaire homosexual men apparently, try wearing those bucks to work someday and see what the punchlines are.
Courteney Cox sure does have a lot of demands for a chick that has banged Michael J. Fox and David Arquette. Who the hell is going to be next on her resume? DLamp?
Posts: 368 Rank: 26 Joined:
2/21/2007
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 3/23/2007 9:18:20 AM
You know what that looks like when your shift key isn't on the whole time?
$725.
$725 fu#$%^ing dollars for shoes?!!??!?!? Are you fucking kidding me?
Great article. It's about time someone kicked Courtney Cox to the curb, and you're the perfect man to do it, Mr. DeMarco. David Arquette can suck my balls.
yep, keep em coming Charlie. I hate these magazines, and I'm not going to shave/wax/tweez my fucking chest hair/balls/taint/ass because Esquire says I should.
If fucking Magnum PI rocks it chest pubes out, then by God, so should we!
I guess Charlie didnt think that anyone else could go head to head with Napalm, sustain over a 4 rating AND get a comments section. You sir are a pioneer. As far as mowing the lawn shoes I choose old softball cleats to help out with the hills.
Side note: if your slippers are nice enough you may get away with wearing them as your "nice brown shoes"
I was among those missing the left in the left-right rage combo, but this (almost) makes up for it.
Anyone remember when Courtney Cox had a great rack? I do. Fuckin' Hollywood and their anorexia craze. Back in the Lauren the Psych Student days, a guy could almost get away with saying, "Wow - look at Cox. I'm liking Cox. I want Cox all over me. Give me some Cox!"
Now you would sound like DLamp after too many champagne cocktails.
Posts: 3005 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 3/23/2007 9:59:56 AM
I mean, why should men have any say in the appearance of women's pubic hair? It's not like we're the ones that have to look at it or stick our face, hands and dick in there...really, why woud it matter to us what it looks like?
Posts: 1476 Rank: 17 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 3/23/2007 10:03:17 AM
this was fanfreakintastic. i tried to buy nice shoes once, but i took this girl out into the woods so we could fuck at a haunted house, and i stepped in some mud. never again. if shoes cost more than $50 and don't serve a specific purpose, fuck 'em. i feel the same way about paying for sex, and buying presents. charlie, let's get stonned and do a report on baja! whadaya say?
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First of all, you don't need four fucking pairs of dress shoes. At most, you need a pair of brown and a pair of black, and that's only if you have to wear a suit to work. Otherwise, you only need a pair of black shoes for weddings, funerals, and the occasional court appearance.
Every guy knows that a pair of really comfortable slippers is essential. Getting some with a rubber sole is a smart move because then you can pretty much go the whole weekend without having to put on shoes.
I'm not sure how you can put together a list of shoes that every man needs without putting a pair of work boots on there. I don't trust any guy who doesn't drink, own work boots, and have...
...a pair of fucked up, old basketball sneakers. Am I supposed to mow the lawn in those $140 bucks?
It doesn't matter if you golf or not. You've gotta have golf shoes. You're going to end up on the links at some point, and after you turn 15, you can't show up in old sneakers.
