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Welcome to my worst fucking nightmare: that I will have a son that grows up to be a pasty, pie-faced, shithead douche, like this dumb fuck. Holy shit. My balls shrink up into my body cavity just thinking about it.
You know what’s worse? Some dumb girl is gonna blow that kid, and I could be her dad! I take back what I said earlier. That is my worst nightmare.
Can you imagine finding a photo like this of your son? I might shoot myself on the spot. At the very least, that moment gets added to the list of times it is acceptable for a man to weep: when a birth parent, sibling, spouse within 5yrs of marriage, or biological child under the age of 25 dies, when you get kicked in the balls really hard, and when your daughter gets knocked up in high school.
A photo like this of your son means you have completely failed, not just as a father and a man but also as a living organism. You have failed in the basest goal of life: to effectively procreate. If you have a son who makes decisions like taking this photo, the odds of him surviving to breed are astronomically low. Frankly, it’s a goddamn miracle that the kid in this photo made it this far. I am as amazed that he hasn’t accidentally killed himself as I am that he figured out how to use a camera.
Here is what I would do if I found this photo of my son:
Grab it, run to a solitary place, and weep uncontrollably.
Think back through my life in an attempt to remember enough good things I had done to keep me from killing myself. If successful:
Grab a spoon.
DESTROY the photo.
DESTROY the camera, computer, and any other recording equipment in the house.
Burn down the house.
Find my son and beat the idiot out of him.
Smash my own testicles with a rubber mallet.
Rip out my wife’s uterus.
Take the spoon and gouge out my ruined eyes.
Move to the mountains to live out the rest of my days in shame, and haunted by my guilt.
Die alone.
I’d love to tear into this kid, but I can’t. It’s simply not his fault. Look at his deep-set eyes. He never stood a chance.
All that being said, the greatest tragedy of this photo is that I can never watch Scarface again.
Thanks to Ryan at GorillaMask for the link. You can check out more about this "guy" click here.
Charlie, it's whitey, and I'm about to blow my fuckin' stack I'm so pissed the fuck off right now. Look at that goddamn collar! Look at that fuckin' thing! Look at that little jagoff's tight-lipped hard guy face! Brainless fuck! You goddamn brainless little MTV-programmed motherfucker! I shit on you! You get shit on by me, you little fuckin' twerp!
I want to clobber this asshole's teeth out of his mouth with a good ol' claw hammer. Then I will goop 3 tubes (3 fuckin' tubes!) of crazy glue onto his bloody gums. Next I will affix his face to the rusty tailpipe of a 1983 Dodge Diplomat and drag him thru the pothole-ridden streets of East fuckin' Cleveland. I'm gonna find this fuckin' shithead! I'll fuckin' do it!
Yoda Mills
Holy Shit!
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Posted: 6/23/2006 1:59:21 AM
This might be the funniest shit of all time. I am crying laughing.
Two in one week from Charlie... I guess that means the book is done.
Froh
what a tool!
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Posted: 6/23/2006 4:42:56 AM
Great article. Check out his interests on his myspace bio, he lists hangin with friends and raping.
He needs a serious beating. When you drag him through East Cleveland make sure to tape it, sell it on the net and you'll be rich!
deuce
beat the idiot out of him
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Posted: 6/23/2006 7:12:40 AM
great line..
solid work demarco.. his page is unreal.
Victor French
Hey Whitey!
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Posted: 6/23/2006 8:32:17 AM
You can borrow the 77 shitbox! Haven't changed the oil in a decade, so the tailpipe should be spitting some rancid shit! Also, I recommend the streets of East Oakland. Got a shit-ton of potholes.
Tom A
Not My Son
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Posted: 6/23/2006 9:32:03 AM
I don't even know him, and still I want to do find a dark room and weep just with the knowledge that this kid exists (and the assumption that there are others just like him).
God help us.
P.S. I'm not a "MySpacer" (if that's the term, you get the idea) - looking at this fuck's "friends," it is obvious that they are all fake messages designed to bait him to a porn site, yes? Is this common, or are they zeroing in on this tool because he looks extra ripe? Somebody clue me in...
Atlas
Oh My god
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Posted: 6/23/2006 10:04:19 AM
What the fuck has the world come too. I have never read the bible but I am pretty sure this is the seventh sign of the apocalypse. Send me the spoon when you are done, my eyes have been rendered useless.
Spartacus
Gay
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Posted: 6/23/2006 10:27:17 AM
That guy is gayer then a sack of dicks.
Max
god damnit...
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Posted: 6/23/2006 10:39:05 AM
The sad truth here is this cock slapper will probably get a lot of high school ass, judging from the comments. Truly, having your daughter bang this guy would be on par with losing a slibling.
But thanks Charlie, this article is maybe the only thing ever written about him that diminished his raging douche bag ego.
pphunk
Fuzzy HAT
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Posted: 6/23/2006 10:43:56 AM
Holy shit, his other pictures are fuckin hilarious too. I dont know how you could have choose this one over the with him wearing the fuzzy hat Charlie. The captions are also worth mentioning, ie for the one above, "My idol Kanye w/ scareface and me." Then read his profile, it appears one of his interests is diversity? Wtf?This fucking cracker knows less about diversity than a Stowbilly.Anyways, great stuff Chuck! PS. I hope someone clues him in that you just took giant dump in his teenage mouth.
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