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September 29, 2006
Firewalls Lead to Decreased Productivity: An Inter-Office Memo
Dear The Man,
On behalf of your entire staff, regarding the increased internet security in the form of firewalls and restricted internet access, I would like to extend to you an invitation to suck my balls.
Now that I have that out of the way, I would like to explain why the increased security has become detrimental to office morale, but how it has also led to decreased efficiency.
The first thing that your coolies in IT took away from us is our steady stock of internet pornography. Exactly how I'm supposed to do my job when I don't have a pornography reserve at the ready at all times I will never know. It seems like a good idea: take away their porn, and then they will do more work. But in reality, it is part of a Ugandan-poor business model.
Let's say it's a day that starts with M...or T or W or F or a TH sound (and sometimes S if you make me come in on the weekend, asshole.): I am in the doldrums of typical post-lunch afternoon blues; trying to trace back to the exact moment in my life where it all went wrong. Simultaneously, I am calculating the over/under on the number of times I could bash Andrew from accounting in the face with the printer before he collapses, gurgling on his own bitter spinal fluid. My heart hopes for twenty-two, but my brain says eight is more realistic. I really just need to relax. Everyone knows that the only sure-fire cure for these fits of depressive volatility is a bout of right metacarpal sexual release. But you and your cronies have disallowed all of the good sites, preventing me from warming up in any civilized manner. So instead, I have two options:
1) Attempt to become aroused by the stat lines on my fantasy football roster. ('Tis possible: Carson Palmer: 595 yards, 8 touchdowns, 2 interceptions in the first two weeks...tell me that doesn't make it move a little, even if you don't have him on your team.)
or
2) Abscond with Patricia's Lane Bryant catalog while she in the break room seeing how many chicken wings she can fit into her mouth (she calls it "Chicken Wing Chubby Bunny"), and commit the following acts of non-gentlemanly bathroom un-etiquette:
a) Lock myself in the bathroom's one stall and pray that none of my coworkers have to take a crap in the next 75 minutes. (Who invented these one-hole bathrooms? They should be exhumed, dipped in one of those bottomless, never-ending latrines you find at Boy Scout camp and then reburied. Nobody wants to exit a stall and come face-to-face with a man who's about to marinate in your feculant essence.)
b) Try to convince myself that the girls that grace LB's pages (peculiar coincidence for an fat girl magazine) aren't that obese.
c) Start sweating.
A lady of Lane Bryant
d) curse each muted sound of wingtip loafers on bathroom tile.
But regardless, instead of taking the three-and-a-half-minutes it required in the pre-firewall epoch, it takes me a full two-hours to complete the necessary transaction. And this is assuming that I even take this less-than-classy path. More likely, I will spend the afternoon loitering around the desk of the slutty girl in accounting, trying to coerce her into giving me a beej in the supply closet. All of this time is now wasted; time that could have been spent at my desk doing work, relaxed and focused after spending a quality 1/30th of an hour with my phalanges.
Next, internet gaming vanished. I won't argue that games on the internet are productive in any way, but you must realize that even if you get rid of our access to poker websites and Yahoo! Games, we will find something to play. If this means traveling to Nickelodeon.com or SI for kids, we will do it. I don't have any problem spending six-hours straight playing "SpongeBob's Bubble Bustin' Game".
Then finally, the last straw: one morning, to my utter dismay, I innocently opened internet explorer and typed in www.thephatphree.com and this is what I received in return:
"Site blocked due to violent content."
Violence!? Where is there violence? Show me one example! It's enough to make me try to beat a baby panda to death with a bag of kittens.*
You don't understand. Now that we aren't able to waste our days exploring our favorite internet sites, we waste our days trying to figure out ways of bypassing this security so that we can explore our favorite internet sites. Which means, for those among you who suck at math, that I waste twice as much time as I used to. You have turned me into a regular computer nerd. I have done hundreds of hours of research on how to disable the internet restrictions. I have tampered with the proxy settings in the internet options. I have downloaded programs at home and emailed them to myself so that I could have access at work. And I have tried translating websites via proxies. All of these things took away time that I could have used for doing the tasks that you pay me to do. You dusty bastard.
So in conclusion: do yourself a favor, and give us back our right to free information. And remember this: no matter what you take away from us--disabling internet websites or restricting downloading, taking away our instant messengers or even limiting bathroom access--we will find a way to not do work.
We will find a way to not do work.
Sincerely,
Matt Shirley
* If you didn't catch the irony here, I will explain it to you: See, this piece is to appear on thephatphree.com. And in this piece, I argue that thephatphree.com is not, in fact, violent whatsoever. But then, keeping in mind that this exact piece is going to be on thephatphree.com, I talk about beating a baby panda to death with a bag of kittens, which, is basically the definition of violence. Get it?!? Crafty, I know.
# For those of you who still enjoy a bit of internet latitude, I invite you go to amazon.com and purchase my brother's (Paul Shirley) book. It's called "Can I Keep My Jersey" and you can find it here: Can I Keep My Jersey. Yes it is a shameless plug, but it really is quite a delightful read. And if you know me at all (which you don't), you know how hard it is for me to say that.
However, I did want to take a quick sidebar before we get into Christine and Cuteboy: Part XVII.
One time I walked into the office bathroom and went to take a piss at the urinal. I heard alot of commotion and farting from the stall to my left. These are the kind of farts that I get when I am sick AND ate tacos and oatmeal. After I finished, I walked over to wash my hands and I took a quick look back at the stall to see what kind of situation was going on back there ( I like to check to see if the feet are planted or up in the air, what magazines or books are strewn about, and what type of shoes that the shitter might have on so I can look for them later in the office and make fart sounds near them, or hold up an "I just pooped" sign for my co-workers and point at the perp.)
My whole fucking day was rocked when I saw the person's feet pointed inward. FUCKING INWARD! They weren't even shitting, they were pissing and farting a lot. I must have looked like I had seen a ghost when I walked out of there because my coworkers kept asking what was wrong and why I wasn't talking.
Posts: 750 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Seattle, WA
Posted: 9/27/2007 7:00:46 AM
I’m Toque. Not native Seattleite Don’t mess with me ‘cause my rhymes is tight Like Queen Alice I don’t fuck around But my boy DLamp said “Pound It!” Ya know that he goes South But I’m not gay ‘cause a mouth is a mouth.
Windows to the soul can’t look in his eyes Should I tell him? Nah it’s a surprise I always cum with the quick correct shit ya know son Switch my avatar up like I’m Spartan*.
That’s right I got a TPP attack What’d Tom A say? “She’s got a nice rack.”
My flows got juice like Deuce on a rant Durka Durka bitch! - ya fuckin ass-hatz! That’s right when he brings it I’m always pleased Goddamn Britney’s ruined wizard sleeve.
I shit Brikz… and Sandwiches This Arrogant Bastahhd gotz his Balls on Steely Dan The Filth says DC gotz no play But I know he BigNicked Ugotgorkd anyway.
That’s right I drop beats like BearNuts moves around Vert told me the coke hook up’s in downtown Denver where Tman Jr. supplies it Unlike Asmar who won’t fucking prescribe it.
I’d talk about Hooker and Joe Kickass some more But like Christine I just aint no whore.
Digger - my nigga don’t think I left you out Annabelle looks like a slam pig – go wet her ‘snout’.
This is my rhyme there’s no fucking denying it Stiggs put some metal on the Folksy Rapists supplied it.
I liked it. Dont know why, but it hits home with me. Wait, no it doesn't. I have all access here,but sometimes I receive an Email regarded "viewing unsafe/lewd material" from IT guys. Which I delete without reading so I dont feel guilty.
Belding-tacos and oatmeal....mmm...
Toque-I think that will make a great nursery rhyme and should be read to underprivledge children immediately.
Pic#2 may be the hottest chubby chic I've ever seen. I mean I wouldn't give her my real phone number(she is still a fatty) , but I would reconfigure her couch cushions.
Posts: 452 Rank: 25 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 9/27/2007 8:21:34 AM
Unlike Muenster, I aint got access to shit here, so this article touched me in a very naughty way,,, but I'm not telling in the hopes that it will do so again.
Chick in pic #2: I would make her squeal like a squirrel if you stomp its nuts.
Posts: 325 Rank: 20 Joined:
8/5/2007
Location:
La Crosse, WI
Posted: 9/27/2007 8:32:46 AM
Touqe you are a literal genius, Literally.
Speaking of Firewalls, and internet Security...
We pipe the company through one of these, but I have my own internet connection I use all for myself.
One thing you should know about your IT Department: "We know, and See Everything."
We know that last week you got drunk at your cousin/sister/best friends wedding, and made out with the Geek/Cool guy/Lesbian who was in the bridal party. Now you have a rash/Wart/itch on your Cooch/Junk/Ass. Get a hotmail and stop using our mail system as your Gossip Blog.
Oh and DC, Those pills will not work, We know because it is a scam, and if you keep emailing ugotdorkedisreal.com anymore we'll put a block on your IP so the only thing you can look at is CMT.com.
Posts: 1511 Rank: 4 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 9/27/2007 8:33:31 AM
I'd like to invite you to suck my balls. The panda joke was mildy funny, but then you had to explain it with a footnote. We're not little kids, no are we European tourists. We get it. And then you plug your brother's book. For shame...
Some of the most fun i have at a new office is seeing what kinds of hoops and obstacles i might have to jump through/over at each new client i go to. ...and that goes doubly for getting around the firewalls to my porn and tpp.
Though working on the slutty girl from revenue assurance is a challenge that always has te best rewards.
If you feel the need to explain an ironical situation in your piece, then there's at least one of the following problems with your process:
a. your wife/girlfriend/roommate/mom, whoever is proofreading your work; is a retard.
b. your feeble attempts at written sarcasm are poor and/or unwelcome.
c. the irony was accidental and you, upon rereading what you've written, were so impressed by your accidental irony that you felt the need to point it out (thus taking away any shot of this piece having any shred of subtle literary genius).
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