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High-Def Disaster
They told me it was a good idea. They told me in high-def the porn would be so crystal clear it would be like Jenna Haze herself was being gaped on the floor right in front of me. They told me I would make millions.
What a steaming pool of runny ass juice.
Within the first minute after I got a look at the first scene I knew the $500,000 I'd spent to bankroll the Krystal Klear operation was all but gone. She was a pretty girl, certainly jerk-worthy, but where this particular disillusioned late teen once looked like a juicy young princess, suddenly every imperfection on her little body became painfully obvious.
Fuck, you could see the tiny white particles suspended in the yellowish goop of a coke booger when she looked up at the camera.
The zits on her ass, which we've all gotten used to on women over time, suddenly appeared so clear that you could tell how old they were, and see which ones might burst under the friction of multiple thrusting cocks.
It's a terrible turn of events. I am now officially flat broke, in an industry where even the dumbest, fattest sacks of shit seem to make millions on the backs of grainy hand-held cameras and pudgy post-teens.
The way Herschel should be seen
But I suppose I have no one to blame but myself, really. After all, there's nothing quite like those multi-angle DVDs which give the front and rear shots at the same time, the latter of which exposes multiple dingleberries dangling from Herschel Savage's ass hair.
It's an image that's permanently engrained in my brain, making it hard for me to comprehend how I couldn't see this disaster coming.
What a moron I am. Like, sure, the sports nuts of the world gobble up high-def programming like so many plates of chicken wings, but apparently beer-guzzling frat boys with flat screens in their house dens don't like the look of sweat glistening in the stubble-filled armpits of the spuzz-glazed amateurs they circle-jerk to nightly.
Which brings me to perhaps the greatest of all high-def porn pitfalls -the semen resolution. Perhaps I could have and should have predicted a lot of the above issues, but there was no way I could have seen coming what I saw when Peter North produced one of his patented bukake blasts.
They say that a high-protein diet is essential to maximizing the size of one's cum shots, and as it happened the individual proteins that made the man and his nine-inch member such heroes were almost individually visible on my 42-inch Sony Bravia.
Frat rooms sit empty
It was as if, suddenly, I came to know exactly what those rappers mean when they say they make girls "swallow my babies."
And now it's over.
Hi-def porn, Blu-Ray porn, they're all out the window, because they overlook one essential truth: people watch porn to escape the pungent realities of their typically-disappointing sex lives. The last thing they want to see with their dick in hand is moisture bubbles building up and popping on a shit-smeared condom.
Posts: 673 Rank: 18 Joined:
6/20/2007
Location:
Norristown, PA
Posted: 10/8/2007 9:45:59 AM
I would like to concede to Blue Balls Hoffman in TPPFF. Two of my guys were game time yanks, and my defensive adjustment meant I had an empty slot. Jon Kitna laid an egg and Blue Balls beat me with a whopping total of around 60 points.
Posts: 1899 Rank: 6 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 10/8/2007 10:19:28 AM
My Bears finally got a W against our main rivals, making Favre cry like a bitch in the last few minutes of the game. Something about a victory made my SoCo and coke go down a little sweeter.
Now, on to the article. Porn. The article grossed me out. But guess what did NOT gross me out? www.redtube.com I want to thank Toque Bongrip for throwing this little nugget out way on Friday. That site is the YouTube of porn. I watched this one blondie masturbate all weekend. My balls are as empty as Christine's bed.
Posts: 673 Rank: 18 Joined:
6/20/2007
Location:
Norristown, PA
Posted: 10/8/2007 10:26:32 AM
For his idiotic game plane in which he thought he would hold the ball for the whole 2nd half with his underdeveloped running game, while cooling off his red hot HOF QB.
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