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During last week's Miss Teen America pagent Lauren Caitlin Upton, Miss Teen South Carolina, unwittingly became an internet sensation when she stumbled through her answer to a question about American's lack of knowledge about geography. If you haven't seen the video, check it out below. It'll make your day.
It got me wondering how would Lauren fare with other questions? Was this just a freak accident on the part of her brain cells or is she honestly that fucking stupid? Well wonder no more world, for I have found a long hidden file that contains some other Q&A's from her past pageant appearances.
How would you approach the growing epidemic of childhood obesity?
I personally believe that I would approach it from the left. And I would most likely approach it carefully such as not to startle it. Because I feel that Australian Obeses can be quite dangerous to our hopes and dreams. I firmly believe that reading to Obeses could be helpful and such as the United States should expand the Obesity reading programs.
In one word, tell us how you feel about the situation in Iraq.
I believe that the Iraq is dangerous and such as it should be cared for gently. Many Iraq Iraqians feel that the U.S. is a big country and therefore we as Americans should do our best to shrink our nation to a reasonable size such as not to frighten the gentle Iraqis.
It's your birthday, and no one brought you any presents, how do you feel?
It's my birthday? I had no idea. I usually write these things down on my tiara but I personally feel that I forgot to do that. I am ok that no one is present. Such as I forgot to send invitations because I forgot it was my birthday.
In a recent poll, 25% of South Asians couldn't find their car keys. Why do you think this is?
Cars release a lot of toxicity into our atmosphere and such as the Asians most likely inhaled said fumes and became confused. I am unsure as to why they did so in a pole. Since a flat surface such as a table is much easier to forget things on. As such, I feel that the Iraqis are responsible for their own future.
If you were a vegetarian and the only thing left on earth to eat was meat, would you eat it or starve to death?
I don't personally believe that anyone's religious beliefs should be based on fish. My grandfather was a farmer and we saw animals slaughtered 24 hours a day. Ok, he wasn't really a farmer but he did take us to KFC and there's no doubt in my mind that those chickens were killed.
With so much of the world living in poverty, why do think rich people don't help out the poor more?
I sincerely feel that living in pottery would be cramped and unhealthy and I believe that the U.S. American's should do more to make sure that pottery is built with more spacious rooms and better educational environments so that rich people like my family would be able to fit into the pottery to deliver much needed supplies.
If Santa Claus was real, what would you ask him for come Christmas time?
I think that Satan is a very bad influence on today's children and I would ask him to please stop sending messages to my dreams such as last night. The gifts he gives to people such as Ryan Seacrest and South Asians make me think he is in fact real and should not be allowed to celebrate Christmas or any other Muslim holiday.
Why do think more people don't donate blood?
I believe that people enjoy living and that if there were another way to donate blood instead of after dying that more people would do it. Life is a precious thing to most South West New Guineas and they hold their blood in their hearts. I think that if more hospitals would stop using blood it would make it more available to countries such as Texas and Jupiter.
If you were a lesbian, how would you respond to a man asking you on a date?
I personally feel that those involved in the dramatic arts should not be held captive by masculinity. They probably spent a lot of time in college or doing collages and any animal that asks them for the date should instead buy them a calendar. Such as not wanting to upset the thespian, the chicken should instead draw a map for the actress to read and then point out where America is so that more Vietnamese children could be saved.
How do you feel about same sex marriage?
Unfortunately, I personally believe that most married couples have the same sex too often. I hold hope in my heart that they would change things up every now and then in order to avoid leg cramps and other communicable diseases. The rising cost of healthcare most likely does not help these couples, especially when they are getting ready to leave for the Peace Corps.
Posts: 673 Rank: 18 Joined:
6/20/2007
Location:
Norristown, PA
Posted: 8/30/2007 10:07:57 AM
I support a great deal of her positions. And anything that makes fun of pagents is great in my book. To me they are on the same mental level as carnival freakshows.
Posts: 254 Rank: 28 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
East Lansing, MI
Posted: 8/30/2007 10:27:31 AM
Man I read that sentence and the answers kept rolling out of me like poop from a newly penetrated virgin's butthole.
"Because they're Asian." "Because their squinty eyes can't see shiny things like metal." "Because they just died in a car crash due to lackluster driving skills." "Because Kia stock has plummeted for some reason and the cars were returned." "Because they use them for chopsticks."
Posts: 452 Rank: 25 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 8/30/2007 10:48:22 AM
I personally, would rather 100% of them could not find their keys. Those fuckers shouldn't be on the road. They scare the hell out of me. Double whammy if it's an asian woman.
Posts: 2748 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 8/30/2007 11:07:12 AM
Great job, mr garrison. I give a shit that's she's not bright. For the last 50 years, everyone says that pageants aren't a beauty competition. that's it a scholarship program. this bitch is not getting a scholarship because of her brain.
I get that you guys wouldn't care because she's ridiculous hot and disgustingly young, but could you honestly tolerate being around someone like this for more than 3 hours?
Posts: 231 Rank: 29 Joined:
5/31/2007
Location:
Gilbert, AZ
Posted: 8/30/2007 11:19:24 AM
Could I be around a woman like that for more than three hours? ABSOLUTELY! I could spend three hours just with the ol' "touch your elbows behind your back" game.
That gash became the third funniest woman on the face of the earth behind Sarah Silverman and Christine Hoffman.
Posts: 1510 Rank: 4 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 8/30/2007 11:26:35 AM
She's too easy of a target and she's taken a beating all week already. And something about ripping apart a 16-year-old doesn't sit right with me. And I think it's pretty hypocritical of us to make fun of her while millions of people tune in to watch "The Hills" and "Newport Harbor." At least the stupidity displayed by the beauty queen was spontaneous.
Posts: 1252 Rank: 8 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
TPP Island, NY
Posted: 8/30/2007 11:28:48 AM
I could be around her for 25 minutes after that her heads in the trophy case and body is burried throughout the WNY region. For the fuck of it i'll send her brain to [insert good med school here] for examination.
Posts: 2748 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 8/30/2007 11:34:46 AM
Speaking of Hole and dumb girls. My friend, we call him Jaws, had his girlfriend in his phone under "hole". This is how he always referred to her, "my hole". I dared not tell the girl, who I knew, but not as well as Jaws. plus, Jaws was crazy. He once punched a horse in the face for no reason and nearly dropped it.
somehow, the girl found out that "hole" was her name in his phone. he never told her what it meant. my friend kerrie asked her why one day and what it meant and she answered with, "oh, I think its because I'm his everything, his world, I make him hole".
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