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Love, exciting and new. Come aboard. We're expecting you. Love, life's sweetest reward. Let it flow, it floats back to you. Love Boat soon will be making another run. The Love Boat promises something for everyone. Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance. Love won't hurt anymore. It's an open smile on a friendly shore. Yes LOOOOOOOOOOOVE! It's LOOOOOOOOOOOVE! (hey-ah!).
That's right maggots! It's the fucking Love Boat song I'm singing. Even old Napalm has a soft spot for cheesy TV theme songs from the 80’s. Love Boat is a funk ass jam regardless of what anyone says. And I guaran-damn-tee you that Mike Post could breathe new life into today’s theme music with his Greatest American Hero / Hill Street Blues Style. Now that I’ve got that out of my system, on to the fucking reviews!
Season Finale Rating Scale (5 = Good, 1=Bad) PPPPP – Lost PPPP – 24 / Desperate Housewives PPP - Deadwood PP – American Idol / The Apprentice P – Alias / ER p – little p for getting picked up for next season
MOVIES: Lords of Dogtown PPPp
Remember when surfers were the tough guys? Or when roller skates had four wheels in a rectangle pattern instead of inline? Or how ‘bout when skateboards looked like skinny plastic banana’s and were no more interesting to kids than other novelty toys like the Pet Rock, the Pogo Stick and the Hula Hoop. Didn't think so. It’s probably because of the guys that this docudrama biopic depicts erased that shit. Based directly on the documentary, Dogtown and Z-boys and written by the same guy, Stacy Peralta, who is also one of the main characters, Lords is a fairly accurate look at how Zephyr Team took a style that had been primarily for surfers and translated it into previously unpopular world of skateboarding. Whooptee-fucking-doo! It’s nice to know Stacy is still finding a way to make some real money from his stoner skater life. You can expect to feel the rush of the Dogtown boys as they invent the worlds first X-game, but don’t expect to give a puss-filled anal wart about this unknown cast. Other than small parts played by Heath Ledger and Johnny Knoxville, this movie is devoid of decent acting. Hell, even with them, it is devoid of decent acting. In fact, Knoxville hasn't impressed me since he shot himself point blank. Too bad he was wearing Kevlar. Regardless, what you’re really paying for here is a bunch of mop-top beach boys hopping fences and draining pools to pioneer a cult craze, not some tear jerker drama. This movie is one of the few so far this season to succeed in its quest by having a realistic cinematic goal and sticking to its target audience, stupid teenage skate punks who could give a shit about anything of actual importance.
Cinderella Man PP
It was very funny to me that when Dodgeball came out it was very intentionally making fun of the cliché underdog story. What is frightening is that Cinderella Man is using the exact same cliché formula, minus the intentional attempt to be funny. I say intentional, because Russell Crowe’s performance as everyman boxer James Braddock seems more like a Will Ferrell SNL sketch parodying over-the-top, dramatic, Oscar caliber performances, than the high quality acting it pretends to be. I think I’d rather be watching Cinderfella again than sitting through this crap. It is almost hard to believe that this whole movie is not some elaborate hoax by Ron Howard. I mean this is the same guy who brought us Night Shift, Parenthood and Gung Ho. Maybe Richie Cunningham is fucking with us. Sadly I think he is desperately serious about this whole thing. I believe that not only does ole Carrot Bald want to have a blockbuster theatrical hit with Oscar potential, but he wants a reason for us all to see his trailer for The DaVinci Code four months before they’ve even shot a single frame and over a year before it’s schedule release date. I will state for the record right now that Tom Hanks is as good for that part as casting Whoopee Goldberg as a Bond girl. And, that even though the book may be loaded with lots of interesting theories about Jesus and art, The DaVinci Load plot is weaker than Hardy Boys’ Mystery of Cabin Island. If you have never, ever seen a heartwarming everyman athelete success story then I would recommend you go rent Rocky1 and 2 for good underdog boxing movies and pass on this gay ass Cinderella crap.
DVD: National Treasure PP
Speaking of The DaVinci code, here’s a copycat story for you to warm up with. Obviously inspired by the Dan Brown books, this adventure romp primarily focuses on a treasure hunt where in the map is clues left hidden by the Founding Fathers in the Declaration of Independence. I guess the original GW was a pothead afterall. Brilliantly unoriginal! The cast of good actors including Nicolas Cage, Harvey Keitel, Sean Bean, and Jon Voight, don’t seem to be able to do anything to make this mediocre film any better than a handjob from your brother. You still get to the point, but you’re definitely not happy about it.
Man, what the fuck happened to Nic Cage anyway? I’m talking about Vampire’s Kiss/ Wild at Heart Nic Cage, or the Nic Cage that used to ball Patricia Arquette in the morning and then go out and fuck hot chicks all night at Sky Bar. The Nic Cage that won an Oscar for playing a drunk sucking on Elizabeth Shue’s ample baby feeder. Now that’s a National Treasure worth exploring. It just seems like ever since Con Air, Nic has lost his mojo. Snake Eyes? The Family Man? Wind Talkers? Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, and now this runny stool sample? He showed some signs of life with Adaptation, so I can only hope the real Nic Cage works his way back from the depths of garbage films like this ASAP, but somehow I don’t think his upcoming comic book romp as every ones favorite super hero, Ghost Rider, will change my opinion much.
TV: The Comeback P
And so it begins… The cast of "Friends" starts its slow downward spiral into to world of post hit sitcom life that was once solely reserved for the supporting cast of "Seinfeld". Matthew Perry’s The Whole Ten Yards was one of last year’s worst films. Jennifer Aniston got dumped by Brad Pitt. Schwimmer is doing voice-overs for giraffes. "Joey" is undergoing some big changes to even be allowed on TV next season. Cox is still married to that fucko ex-wrestling champ David Arquette. And now Lisa Kudrow is starring in what is definitely the worst program to hit HBO since the no laughs flop, "The Mind Of The Married Man".
Her new show is an attempt to show the reality behind making a reality show that is tracking the making of another show. This is starting to sound like an episode of "Alias". Regardless, Kudrow is about as funny as little kids with brain tumors when she’s not playing the kooky sidekick. Her and Julia Louis-Dreyfus probably couldn’t put together a decent leading character between the two of them and should both stick to hamming it up on the side. To me, Kudrow is more like Hervé Villechaize than Sarah Jessica Parker. This show about a washed up 40-year-old actress trying to revitalize her sad, pathetic career should hit closer to home for Kudrow, than Kirstie Alley starring in "Fat Actress". Somehow I doubt she gets that the joke is really on her own personal surreal life. I would suggest she quit while she’s ahead and just relax on the millions she earned from "Friends" unless she wants to sink her credibility lower than Jason Alexander’s. PS - Martha Stewart called and she wants her look back!
MUSIC: Black Eyed Peas Monkey Business PP
They should’ve just called this record Money Business 'cause these fools are raking it in hand over fist. When they originally came out here in America, the Black Eyed Peas were seen as nothing more than another feel good hip hop group like DeLa Soul or Arrested Development. People went out and bought the record, but no one really cared much. Then five years later the group added the almost-hot-if-she-wasn’t-so-annoying Fergie, and got themselves a couple of hits in Europe. Now, thanks to the fact that some fucking nuclear bomb-testing frogs bought the last record and every sporting event in the world has bludgeoned us with “Let’s Get It Started”, we are all forced to deal with BEP like they are some kind of superstar group that actually has talent. The only thing this group has a talent for is dropping their blunts between the sofa and the wall and burning down their recording studio in the process. I bet that track was hot! Wil I Am is mildly interesting as an artist but most of this material is flatter than Calista Flockhart in a tube top. I’d pass on buying this record if I were you. I have a feeling you’ll be able to hear plenty of it without ever having to purchase it for your collection.
(So what the fuck is your favorite '80's TV theme song? And don't say Hardcastle and McCormick 'cause that song sucked hairy donkey dick!!".)
"Believe it or not, I'm walkin' on air, I never thought it could be so free-e-e! Flyin' away on a wing and a prayer, Who could it be? Believe it or not, It's just me!!!" What a great fucking tune. Beats the shit out of that Sha-la-la-la bullshit Family Ties gave us.
And by the way. I hope you weren't saying Dodgeball was a good movie. I think Ben Stiller should refund everyone's money that spent 10 bucks to see that piece of shit. It is possibly the worst movie I've ever seen. It made zoolander look funny.
George Costanza
My voicemail
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Posted: 6/3/2005 1:00:43 PM
Costanza's voicemail to that theme was great. -Where could I be?
Matt
A-Team!
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Post #: 9
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Posted: 6/3/2005 1:45:40 PM
The theme for the A-Team is awesome. Try blaring this on your stereo as you haul ass around town throwing shit bombs at unweary pedestrians.
Rabbelrauser
Favourite 80's Theme Songs
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Post #: 10
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Posted: 6/3/2005 1:57:15 PM
"Ghostbusters" from the Ghostbusters cartoon That Mr. Rogers song
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Remember when surfers were the tough guys? Or when roller skates had four wheels in a rectangle pattern instead of inline? Or how ‘bout when skateboards looked like skinny plastic banana’s and were no more interesting to kids than other novelty toys like the Pet Rock, the Pogo Stick and the Hula Hoop. Didn't think so. It’s probably because of the guys that this docudrama biopic depicts erased that shit. Based directly on the documentary, Dogtown and Z-boys and written by the same guy, Stacy Peralta, who is also one of the main characters, Lords is a fairly accurate look at how Zephyr Team took a style that had been primarily for surfers and translated it into previously unpopular world of skateboarding. Whooptee-fucking-doo! It’s nice to know Stacy is still finding a way to make some real money from his stoner skater life. You can expect to feel the rush of the Dogtown boys as they invent the worlds first X-game, but don’t expect to give a puss-filled anal wart about this unknown cast. Other than small parts played by Heath Ledger and Johnny Knoxville, this movie is devoid of decent acting. Hell, even with them, it is devoid of decent acting. In fact, Knoxville hasn't impressed me since he shot himself point blank. Too bad he was wearing Kevlar. Regardless, what you’re really paying for here is a bunch of mop-top beach boys hopping fences and draining pools to pioneer a cult craze, not some tear jerker drama. This movie is one of the few so far this season to succeed in its quest by having a realistic cinematic goal and sticking to its target audience, stupid teenage skate punks who could give a shit about anything of actual importance.
It was very funny to me that when Dodgeball came out it was very intentionally making fun of the cliché underdog story. What is frightening is that Cinderella Man is using the exact same cliché formula, minus the intentional attempt to be funny. I say intentional, because Russell Crowe’s performance as everyman boxer James Braddock seems more like a Will Ferrell SNL sketch parodying over-the-top, dramatic, Oscar caliber performances, than the high quality acting it pretends to be. I think I’d rather be watching Cinderfella again than sitting through this crap. It is almost hard to believe that this whole movie is not some elaborate hoax by Ron Howard. I mean this is the same guy who brought us Night Shift, Parenthood and Gung Ho. Maybe Richie Cunningham is fucking with us. Sadly I think he is desperately serious about this whole thing. I believe that not only does ole Carrot Bald want to have a blockbuster theatrical hit with Oscar potential, but he wants a reason for us all to see his trailer for The DaVinci Code four months before they’ve even shot a single frame and over a year before it’s schedule release date. I will state for the record right now that Tom Hanks is as good for that part as casting Whoopee Goldberg as a Bond girl. And, that even though the book may be loaded with lots of interesting theories about Jesus and art, The DaVinci Load plot is weaker than Hardy Boys’ Mystery of Cabin Island. If you have never, ever seen a heartwarming everyman athelete success story then I would recommend you go rent Rocky 1 and 2 for good underdog boxing movies and pass on this gay ass Cinderella crap.
Speaking of The DaVinci code, here’s a copycat story for you to warm up with. Obviously inspired by the Dan Brown books, this adventure romp primarily focuses on a treasure hunt where in the map is clues left hidden by the Founding Fathers in the Declaration of Independence. I guess the original GW was a pothead afterall. Brilliantly unoriginal! The cast of good actors including Nicolas Cage, Harvey Keitel, Sean Bean, and Jon Voight, don’t seem to be able to do anything to make this mediocre film any better than a handjob from your brother. You still get to the point, but you’re definitely not happy about it. 
And so it begins… The cast of "Friends" starts its slow downward spiral into to world of post hit sitcom life that was once solely reserved for the supporting cast of "Seinfeld". Matthew Perry’s The Whole Ten Yards was one of last year’s worst films. Jennifer Aniston got dumped by Brad Pitt. Schwimmer is doing voice-overs for giraffes. "Joey" is undergoing some big changes to even be allowed on TV next season. Cox is still married to that fucko ex-wrestling champ David Arquette. And now Lisa Kudrow is starring in what is definitely the worst program to hit HBO since the no laughs flop, "The Mind Of The Married Man". 
They should’ve just called this record Money Business 'cause these fools are raking it in hand over fist. When they originally came out here in America, the Black Eyed Peas were seen as nothing more than another feel good hip hop group like DeLa Soul or Arrested Development. People went out and bought the record, but no one really cared much. Then five years later the group added the almost-hot-if-she-wasn’t-so-annoying Fergie, and got themselves a couple of hits in Europe. Now, thanks to the fact that some fucking nuclear bomb-testing frogs bought the last record and every sporting event in the world has bludgeoned us with “Let’s Get It Started”, we are all forced to deal with BEP like they are some kind of superstar group that actually has talent. The only thing this group has a talent for is dropping their blunts between the sofa and the wall and burning down their recording studio in the process. I bet that track was hot! Wil I Am is mildly interesting as an artist but most of this material is flatter than Calista Flockhart in a tube top. I’d pass on buying this record if I were you. I have a feeling you’ll be able to hear plenty of it without ever having to purchase it for your collection.
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