Posts: 0 Rank: 2005
Member Since:
10/24/2005
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 1/12/2007
Sex and drugs have more in common that just being two of the great pleasures in life. In a cruel, Faustian way, neither one is ever quite as exciting as the first time. This leaves us in a constant search for stronger, more seductive, deviant, but most importantly different sex. Just like some people chase that high from the first hit on a poorly rolled joint in a junior high bathroom all the way to burning their lips on a soot-filled light bulb crack pipe, we're all searching for a sexual exper...
Posts: 2563 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Seattle, WA
Posted: 1/16/2007 10:19:28 PM
My last girlfriend hated that I referred to my cock and balls as El Presidente & the Joint Cheifs' of Staff. Even worse, she cited my humming of Hail to the Cheif as one of the reasons that we broke up.
But she really hated when I went doggy and shouted "LZ 1 is too hot! -- Going to LZ 2!" and gave her a long-one in the wrong one. I told her it was flashbacks, but she said I was an asshole.
Fantastic, fantastic stuff. I think all Phat Phree readers have to pull an Operation Mayhem and invade the next Olympics with signs made from these and post them over the boring signs for "Curling" or "Biathalon".
Posts: 22 Rank: 124 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Chicago, IL
Posted: 1/16/2007 11:35:35 PM
Not since Michael J. Fox arrived dressed as a mohel at my circumcision have my genitals quivered in both shock and amazement. The Jon Benet makes rape seem like a misdemeanor. Bravo.
I once dated a staunch Catholic girl. After weeks of persuasion, she agreed to bop my bishop. I came immaculately, promised her paradise and left without a trace, never returning. I guess there's a little bit of Christ in everyone.
Thus, The Jesus Christ: come immaculately, promise her paradise, leave without a trace and never return. Bonus points if she kills in your name searching for you.
Boo, hiss religion, but well done Phat Phree Staff.
Posts: 291 Rank: 31 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
, FM
Posted: 1/17/2007 2:07:25 AM
Charlie and company, unbelievable. Laughed my ass off out loud all the way through. Propers to whoever thought up The Figurehead. And the Tony Romo description was fucking priceless.
Also, you should get bonus points on The Predator if you're doing it to Condoleezza Rice. Every time she speaks I expect to see two sets of jaws.
THE O.J.: Sneak over to your ex wifes house when she is getting back from a date.. FUCK, bad idea...
THE BERETTA: Just when you think you cant stand your wife anymore you take her out to eat... NEVERMIND
THE KING JAMES VERSION: Have sex with a girl as yourself and Lebrons three different alter egos. Jump on her all clumsily and "finish" really quickly as "KID", Make her pleasure you and be very selfish as "Business" and only refer to her as "silly ass trick", down a viagra and drill her all night while dropping crumbs of corn chips out of your beard as "POPS". Make sure you consider it a foursome.
BONUS POINTS if you get paid several million dollars before you even attempt the process.
Posts: 5386 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 1/17/2007 10:47:29 AM
I can't stop laughing at The Secret Affair. For some reason, I keep picturing charlie doing that one, which is weird because now I am picturing his wife's vagina.
The Lime tostitos was hilarious as well. And the 96er is gold.
In honor of my morning, how about......The Late Bus.
Stand naked at a red light and turn slowly to see your girlfriend running after you, then take off while she chases you for two blocks and finally hops on.
Bonus Points if you scream out street name the entire time she is riding you.
Posts: 214 Rank: 21 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
NYC, NY
Posted: 1/17/2007 11:00:14 AM
Personally I loved the changing lanes, man I love doing that. How about he Earl Grey: teabag your girlfriend and ask her if she'd like cream with that.
Posts: 5 Rank: 2973 Joined:
12/8/2006
Location:
Harrisburg, PA
Posted: 1/17/2007 11:02:40 AM
hold off as long as you can before finish while your girl is giving you oral.........right before you finish turn around and fart in her face and then punch her in the face to knock her out and finish yourself off.
Posts: 3005 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 1/17/2007 12:12:37 PM
This is your strikeout pitch. When you are about to blow your load in the hole God intended you pull out and go in the backdoor on her to end the inning.
Bonus points if you have a rosin bag handy.
Double bonus points is she says, "man I was way out in front of that one!"
Triple bonus points if after you finish you sit in bed wearing a jacket with just one arm in a sleeve.
Quadruple bonus points if after sex you beat Joe Buck unconscious.
Bang any chick resembling a middle easterner for way too long. Despite friends, family and all logic begging you to stop, add even more middle eastern chicks to your rotation. Bonus points if you get Colin Powell to waffle on your decision.
Great, great article. The Tony Romo should include tears.
Posts: 291 Rank: 31 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
, FM
Posted: 1/17/2007 2:08:21 PM
The Kramer: Bed down a black woman and give her the worst and least successful sexual experience conceivable to man. Blame your abysmal performance on her blackness and repeatedly yell that 50 years ago, sex between a white man and black woman didn’t even have to be consensual.
Bonus points if you permanently scar and defile a beloved piece of American pop culture.
The Mel Gibson: Have your girl serve you dinner. Eat well. Lavishly. Then bite the hand that feeds you.
Bonus points if you dig up and sexually defile the corpse of Anne Frank.
this was ok but I would have expected a bit more from nasty bastards like Charlie, Chad and Steve.
Which ones did Lola and Molly come up with?
I still like my Teddy Ruxpin move: Bang your girl and when you're done blow your load on her favorite teddy bear.
And a few others I have found: Angry Dragon: Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon. The harder you laugh, the angrier she'll look. Magic.
Cajun Hot Stick: Chew some tobacco, spit it on your dick and stick it up a girl's ass. Named this because chewing tobacco burns sensitive skin.
Posts: 1069 Rank: 20 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 1/17/2007 3:00:32 PM
was my favorite. 5mfds for each one, though. for the heavyweight champion - extra bonus points if you wear the title belt during "the fight" some excellent additions as well, particularly joe kickass.
"the striped shirt" - while goin d-style, crack open a can of redbull. race yourself to see if you can nut or finish off the redbull 1st. if you nut 1st, pull out and write "v.p." on her back, if you finish the drink, crush the can on your forehead and scream, "fucking look at it!"
