Posts: 1 Rank: 115
Member Since:
10/24/2005
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 6/19/2007
When you think about it, a bachelorette party is the single guy's ultimate scenario. A parade of drunken, sexually charged females roaming the bar in celebration of their friend's upcoming wedding. They just had a private party at a nearby apartment in which they exchanged various sex toys and masturbation aides. From there, they took it to the strip club and watched very gay but scantily clad muscular men dance and wave their limp junk in their faces. Now they are all here, under the same roof ...
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Posts: 558 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Seattle, WA
Posted: 6/19/2007 5:11:32 AM
She weighs at least 50 – 75 lbs more than it says on her license. She is bitter and spiteful because her more attractive friends are getting all the male attention. Since she’s not getting any she will make sure you don’t as well.
She is the most dangerous cock-blocker you can encounter. Her preferred method of attack is to viciously insult you, your style and possibly your mother. You cannot fire back at this fatty because it will sour the group on your advances.
The only thing that can save you is a self sacrificing wingman who will jump on this cellulite grenade. But this is like asking your bro to go kamikaze, the only way this debt can be repaid is if you ‘take one for the team’ at a later date.
Posts: 808 Rank: 11 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 6/19/2007 7:30:26 AM
if she is still unmarried, this night out is the final nail in the coffin forcing her to realize that her "prime" is passing. it began with everyone asking to see her younger sister's ring. continued with her extended family asking "when are you getting married?" during holidays. and will boil over this night. best to approach this one with an alias, because by showing any interest, you're a keeper (similar to the born again). shes not letting this one get away and has thrown out her conventional bait and tackle and is now fishing with dynamite. she will let you do despicable things to her should you accept your mission. she will think it will make you want to stick around and you get to check off several items on your "i cant believe a girl let me do this" list. (it is extremely important to leave your id with a buddy and under no circumstances bring a cell phone - or you're doomed and one day you'll have to explain to your children that "on the night you met their mother" she gave you a rusty trombone).
Posts: 453 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Burbank (for the week), CA
Posted: 6/19/2007 8:24:50 AM
My experience holds that for bachelorette parties there’s always a couple of “I’ll try anything once girls.” These are the girls that, after a few BJ shots and a little bit of encouragement, will do just about anything she’s dared to do by the bride-to-be. So when you encounter the ITAOG, the trick is to play the gentleman to the bride. Buy a round of drinks for her and the girls that are obviously the close friends (not the bitter family members or obligatory work invitees). Then tell her plainly, “Best of luck with your marriage; I hope I can find that kind of true happiness one day.”
And while that is of course total bullshit, you’re now on her radar as a nice guy. Then all that’s necessary is to sit back and wait for the bride to send girl after girl over on dares. You play your cards right and next thing you know you’ll have your choice of the litter for a three way in the girls’ bathroom.
Personally I’d go with the secretary and older sister; the combo of a “shy but willing” and a “bitter, ‘I can do it better’” has extreme potential.
Posts: 343 Rank: 27 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 6/19/2007 9:11:07 AM
They are not using the fat whores to their true potential. I have been in many a bar, and have run into my share of drunken, cock-crazy Bachelorette parties. The fat chick is always present and accounted for. Inexperience is not true, and neither is the bitterness of Brumhilda if played right. The way to avoid the Brumhilda is to pay her as much attention as is being paid to the skinny chicks, by either a wingman or yourself. The only reason why a fat chick will be bitter; is because she is jealous. Throw an innuendo at the whale every now and then to keep her happy.
The inexperience part is bullshit. Fat chicks can fuck, and the love the cock. They have experience because there are plenty of us that, when drunk enough, would fuck Christine till her head fell off. Plus we all know the saying: "the fatter the girl, the better the blow job."
Posts: 908 Rank: 8 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Buffalo, NY
Posted: 6/19/2007 9:55:38 AM
I read this before...Was it in the book?
I know how to shut up the screamer too! Give that screaming bitch a clothes line, now that she's on the ground jump on top of the bar like your randy savage on the top rope pull out your cock and dive like jimmy snuka, only difference cock should go directly into mouth stabing and violently tearing vocal cords, now have your way with her, nobody will hear her scream anymore.
Posts: 674 Rank: 10 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
Denver, CO
Posted: 6/19/2007 10:14:07 AM
After reading your first paragraph I was totally going to rip into you and call you a fatty fucker and all that. Laughs would have been had by all. THEN you had to go and fuck it up by beating me to the punch in your second paragraph. Way to ruin my fun asshole.
1st pic caption: No girls under 140lbs allowed at our party! This is our night!
Bearnuts I can respect the angle, but you have to think The Whore and The Bitter Divorcee are the best bet to get doubled up on. Their hatred for each other and life in general would lead to a battle of one-upsmanship to rival a Duane Allman/Dickey Betts dual.
Posts: 2094 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 6/19/2007 10:28:44 AM
You're Puerto Rican. If I saw you in one of my bars, I would hand you my purse and get the fuck out of there. Also, as fat and grotesque as I am, and even if god said, "Chris, this dude is your last hope". I still wouldn't fuck you.
Mr. Hofman, great observations. You completely nailed "The Whore", both figuratively and probably literally.
However, some corrections from a bachelorette party pro: The maid of honor does not pay for it. In fact, that scheming bitch often tries to get out of paying. Its the bride's hard core drunk friends and other bridesmaids who pay.
and sex toy demonstrations are never held the night of the bachelorette party, cause then you would have to bring your toys out with you and no one would do that. The sex tool parties are held after the bride is married for half a year and is bored to tears with her husband's cock.
Posts: 2094 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 6/19/2007 10:59:18 AM
"psshhh, I'm fiiine. I'm cool man....look, just one more...no one will know, I won't say nuttin to no one...who cares if the lights are on...you know what....You're fucking hot!!! take your shirt off!"
Posts: 2094 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 6/19/2007 11:18:31 AM
Ha!
Balls- They're quite common. A bunch of girls get together, typically on a sunday or a thursday. And this demonstrator comes with a bag of toys. Most are for manual stimulation, but sometimes there are things for men. My friend danielle put her huband this thing called: The Frog. its this big green thing that a guy is supposed to rub on his cock, it feels like a mouth, supposedly.
My other friend bought her husband this thing called The Ring. its basically a cock ring. but when they were having sex, it fell off inside of her and he had to get his tools out to retrieve it.
mostly though, its a bunch of vibrators and dildos. everyone laughs at silly it all is and then they all buy one.
Posts: 343 Rank: 27 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 6/19/2007 11:28:55 AM
"psshhh, I'm fiiine. I'm cool man....look, just one more...no one will know, I won't say nuttin to no one...who cares if the lights are on...you know what....You're fucking hot!!! take your shirt off!" ---Sounds really familiar. I have been to a lot of bars in Philly.
P.S. nice attempt at a Puerto Rican joke. Here is another one....
If a Puerto Rican and a Black man jump of the roof of the Sears Tower, Who hits the ground first?
