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Posted: 7/17/2005
It�s Top 50 time again! That�s right, it�s the second week of the month already, and goddamn, do we have treat for you.
Our writers went to the lab to scientifically uncover the 50 people most in need of a vicious beating. We aren�t talking about a run-of-the-mill beat down. We are talking about an �I�m gonna call a couple of hard, pipe hittin� niggas to come down here and work on the homes with a pair of pliers and blow torch� kind of beating. We are talking about the kind o...
Some I thought of while reading your hilarious (and accurate) list: 1) Eminem--you're not black, so quit acting like it. 2) Ron Artest, and any athlete involved in his Detroit Piston's brawl, or any "professional" athlete who enters the stands after fans--it's a game fuckheads. 3) Michael Jackson--beaten with bats until rendered an invertebrate--along with any other convicted child molester (even though "not guilty" can be bought easily enough nowadays). 4) Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton--Hillary for being a liberal, man-hating cunt with no right holding an office, and Bill for helping gut our intelligence agencies ability to protect our country, as well as witholding additional military support for troops abroad out of fear of "showing too much force" (see: Somalia--that is what you go there for, to protect innocents, and exercise force if necessary, you fuck--go back to Russia fag.) 5) Jane Fucking Fonda--not just beaten, but beaten to death, preferably by Vietnam veterans, who could buy tickets from a raffle, with proceeds going to veterans hospitals. You fucking traitorous whore, you are a complete waste of oxygen. 6) Anyone who holds an appointed position, whether in government or private sector, and is content to "live off the taxpayers", like my current CEO--fucking useless piece of shit. Get a real job fuckers, and start contributing.
I'm done here, thanks for the chance to vent. Your site is fucking awesome.
Bill B
Dr. Phil Rides a Cockhorse
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Post #: 77
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Posted: 7/19/2005 3:10:13 PM
Excellent call on Dr. Phil and Bill-fucking-O'Reilly. Two of the most pretentious, know-nothing, dumbfuck pedagogues on earth. May they both burn in hell
Weezl
WHILE WE'RE AT IT....
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Post #: 78
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Posted: 7/19/2005 3:26:22 PM
Any individual that accepts Michael Moore's assumptions, accusations, and absurd rhetoric as "Truth". [I planned on writing more, but there is too much that I wish to say about this good-for-nuthin'-waste-of-space. I can't bring myself to waste my day writing about the extent of Mr. Moore's existence. He needs an ass kickin, pronto!]
Bruce
Here's two more
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Post #: 79
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Posted: 7/19/2005 3:35:23 PM
Carlos Mencia: Because God knows we don't already have enough comedians who talk about racial stereotypes and midgets. He manipulates his audience to make it seem like he's funny, but anyone with brain cells can see that what he's saying makes no God Damn sense and isn't funny. So he gets his own show. I've seen about about 30 seconds of it in all, and he made a joke about black people liking fried chicken (he didn't even build up to it and it wasn't relevant to what he was talking about, in fact, it wasn't even a joke. He just said "black people like fried chicken"), asked some guy if he thought a baby on a street sign could be a midget, had a midget dressed up like Gallagher dance around, and smashed an N64. Fuck him.
Whoever comes up with the ideas for Coke commercials: Forget the fact that we've seen about thirty healthier versions of Coke, but now they don't even tell you why they're different. Like that Coca-Cola Zero commercial. Just a bunch of fucking hippies singing on a rooftop telling the world to "chill". I don't think they understand that hippies are possibly the most aggrevating people on the planet, and "chilling" would be a whole lot easier if they'd all die. And after seeing that commercial enough times to make my brain bleed, I still have no idea how Coca-Cola Zero is any different from regular Coke. God Dammit.
Jay
Paris Hilton
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Post #: 80
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Posted: 7/19/2005 3:48:34 PM
Paris Hilton needs to get her box punched in, scratch that....the whole Hilton clan needs to be exterminated with extreme prejudice. Has society ever produced more useless individuals?
And Ben Affleck needs to go, this guy makes the shittiest movies and everyone still sweats him.....WHY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IS BEN AFFLECK AND THE HILTON TRASH FAMOUS?
Jon
Yankee Douchebag
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Post #: 81
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Posted: 7/19/2005 4:04:02 PM
I think I speak for every baseball fan that hates the Yankees when I say that George Steinbrenner (or however the fuck you spell it) deserves the grandest beatdown of them all. How fucking egotystical and greedy does one person really need to be? He's single-handedly begun to destroy one of the most beloved sports of all time. It's because of him that these athletes are paid $20 million a year to play a game, and us fans are screwed into paying $150 for a decent ticket a game. This guy is a bazillionnaire, yet he needs more money, and more fame. He pays $200 million on a payroll that is barely over .500, while other teams (Brewers, D-Rays, Pirates) can't compete and will never see the light of the playoffs. Steinbrenner blows, and he deserves to be beaten with the bats of every player on every other Major League team. What a pompous ass!!!
T
T
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Post #: 82
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Posted: 7/19/2005 4:43:25 PM
hands down number one is ashton kutcher - the horror of a jay leno monologue is nothing compared to one of this a-holes punk'd rants
patrick mayes
beatings
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Posted: 7/19/2005 6:19:51 PM
1. Terrell Owens' agent.. "Rosen.. something" 2. the Sonic commercial guys who discuss why "Sonic's got em, other's don't" 3. The Austin Police Dept. Captain Stan Knee, why do you have to explain why another one of your officers shot a minority in the back... again. And why you're not pressing charges... again. 4. Officer Bobby Something. Thank you for arresting me for making sure your drunk girlfriend didn't drive herself home. A DWI is everything I needed, thanks again. 5. Michael Crook, the genius behind "forsake our troops.com" I imagine he's had his beatings by now, after his interview on CNN. agree with the war or not, this mans a fuckin pasture killing. 6. Jose Canseco. How much money will it take to discuss everyone ELSE on steroids Mr. Canseco? 7. Jim Rome, I don't care. 8. Martha Stewart. Seriously didn't we all want her to munch while in prison? Instead she got the posh life of a celebrity in prison; however posh that may be, its a hell of a lot nicer than the prisons my friends and family have been too. 9. Da Brat, uhmm.. the reason you're on the "surreal life" is because you're washed up too. 10. Larry the Cable Guy, we already had a redneck comedian, he sucked too. "Get er' done" has ruined professional comedy. 11. Ron Artest. let the Pistons fans have em, not for his riot, but for his rap album. 12. All the sports players putting out rap albums, or thinking they themselves are a rapper.
Lisa
Lisa
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Post #: 84
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Posted: 7/19/2005 6:27:03 PM
I can't believe no-one put George W. as someone that needs the greatest beating of all time. I think he might actually be smarter if his brains got kicked in a little. I did better than this asshole on my SAT's and i'm not the fucking president of the U.S. of A, so someone please beat that pussy cheerleaders ass, with his deer in the headlights look to a pulp.
bad father
lisa
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Post #: 85
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Posted: 7/19/2005 6:57:39 PM
i'm not sure it's kosher to threaten the president, even if it's a joke. i would love to slap the bitch upside the head, but you know, it's not allowed.
anyway i'm adding the red sox nation to this list. you won one, now you can stop acting fucking insane. you can now rid yourself of your yankee inferiority complex.
Brandon
Who else need beat?
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Posted: 7/19/2005 8:12:07 PM
That red-headed guy who punched me that one time. I mean, I'd just puked ten seconds before that. Was that really necessary?
TunaLuver
I've Got A Candidate
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Post #: 87
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Posted: 7/19/2005 8:55:26 PM
The obnoxious goof on that endlessly played Bowflex commercial.
YOU KNOW the one I mean,"pumped arms, ripped abs, and legs of steel" .
"I am 41 years old and I'm in the best shape of my life".
I pray that arse clown doesn't make it to 42.
Brian
Carrot Top
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Post #: 88
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Posted: 7/19/2005 9:12:30 PM
If any fucknut in the entertainment world needs a beating clearly it's this jagoff. Carrot Top brings nothing to the table, and if I have to see his horrible looking face on a 1800-Collect commercial again I might just end my life. His stand up sucks, his commercial sucks, and his life will soon suck (even more than it does) when he gets the beat down that is coming to him. God willing that is.
D. Snyder
Eminem
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Post #: 89
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Posted: 7/20/2005 1:14:44 AM
This guy has the most fool proof formula of making albums that make #10 on the list go buck-fucking-wild-shit-ass-crazy. (I like that hyphen thing) This guy pisses me off to a point that I'm on the brink on giving up even listening to hip hop anymore. Everytime I talk to anybody about hip hop, "What about Eminem man." or "....and this guy's white" What about Atmosphere, LP, Aes Rock.
Naranja
Penn Jilette
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Post #: 90
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Posted: 7/20/2005 2:01:20 AM
Please add that obese, sanctimonius blow-hard (and you may as well include his gimp-mime "partner) to the list.
While I am using the same vitriol that Penn Jilette himself uses on others, - he should be trounced well and truly for his narcissistic attitude that because his tv show Bullshit! has a research team to "expose" what any half-intelligent human-being already knows is crap.
On one hand he tries to promote open-thought, and challenging the charlatans, while using the Jerry Springer audience member tactic of as long as you insult the loudest, you have the best point to make - he really is one tragic American shit-bag.
Stan grossman
hello?? Stewart scott
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Post #: 91
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Posted: 7/20/2005 2:53:49 AM
the worst human being in the world, stewart scott should be #1. I see stevan a hole is deservedly listed, but lets not forget the unrivaled most horrific loser on all of television. honestly, is there anything worse than a loud, confident dork? He is the exact opposite of every cool personality espn has ever had: he has claimed ownership of catchphrases from the 1980s, talks about himself and his awesome relationship with michael jordan during newscasts, and oh yeah, speaks like a wanna be gangster hip hop douchebag. he is the epitome of all that is evil on this earth and has ruined the entire espn network for me. how can executives keep oushing him up the ladder, he makes me and everyone i know cringe, and black people are even more turned off by his ridiculous poser style. just who exactly is this idiot targetted for? now i watch fox sports.
Lex DeNovo
Lopez, Spade, Romano, et al.
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Post #: 92
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Posted: 7/20/2005 3:22:56 AM
Dug it. Really dug it. Hit the nail on the head many times, IMO. George Lopez, David Spade, and Ray Romano. Beautiful. Loved the Rosie O'Donnell one. What about Ross Schwimmer, and the rest of the male cast of "Friends"? What about that guy who invented the "Support Our Troops" yellow bumper magnet that's been ripped off how many different fuckin' ways? How about we support them by electing a government and president who get them sufficiently armored vehicles, night vision goggles, spare parts, kevlar vests, and an actual enunciated mission and exit strategy, among others. What about morning deejays (so loud, so unfunny, so early), Al Franken (his morning show sucks, his grasp of the nuanced issues plaguing our government is tenuous at best), Sean Hannity (for sheer pomposity),and Bud Selig (with this whole All-Star game crap for homefield advantage in the Series and what with this home run derby with players from different countries). What about the guy who's married to Jessica Simpson? She still has that suburban, square-jawed, 40-year old look, but she IS damned hot. How about all those crappy movies "the industry" foists on us year in and year out? Britney Spears and her asshole husband? Ron Artest, Latrell Sprewell, and all these other punk-ass, complaining, rap "artist"-basketball bouncer malcontents? Fuck them all. Tom Cruise? Totally. Litterers, those guys that post the 1-800-GOT-JUNK signs all over the place, and the ones that put up those "WE BUY HOMES" signs, too. Cigarette smokers who toss their butts on the ground. What are they thinking? If they're not thinking, why not?
Jesse L.
Yo, TunaLuver
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Post #: 93
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Posted: 7/20/2005 3:36:16 AM
that's fucking hilarious.
Pablo
Larry
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Posted: 7/20/2005 5:17:05 AM
You hit the fucking nail on the head with Larry Miller. He's godawful but his commercials DO work. I needed a matress and I had no idea where to get a matress besides Sit N Sleep. Luckily I bought one from IKEA so I didn't have to fuel his commercials with my money.
George Lopez sucks too. His stand-up is GREAT but his sitcom is the same formulaic shit on TV except....HOLY CRAP IT'S MEXICAN PEOPLE. Plus it's owned by Disney and one episode had them going to Disneyland. Nothing but a fucking commercial.
Kris
The List
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Post #: 95
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Posted: 7/20/2005 9:23:37 AM
Why did you have to bring the sun-bleached peat bog mummy into this?!?!
Kris
How about...
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Posted: 7/20/2005 9:35:02 AM
- Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell? Hell, how about any self-righteous born-again Christian? Double beatings for any self-righteous born again Christian who only converted to the religion after already doing all of the fun things that their "strongly held beliefs" forbid (smut, banging, drugs, etc.) These "people" essentially do whatever they want for YEARS, get it all out of their system, and then campaign to remove every semblance of fun from society because they've "found God." F**k that. - Michael Savage. He's whiney. He collects a huge paycheck for doing 15 hours or so of "work" per week. He's conservative. His arguments make little to no sense. His method of "winning an argument" with a caller is to turn down their on-air volume once it becomes apparent that his is being owned. - Cal Thomas. Don't like our decadent liberal culture, douche-nozzle? Then move to Iran...you won't have to worry about "gangsta rap" or too much nudity in movies then. - Eric Rudolph. Let me get this straight, you bomb an abortion clinic to show how dedicated you are to your cause and how you're willing to sacrifice for your beliefs, but then when you're finally caught you cry like a little girl to save yourself? Very impressive. At least have the courage to die for your beliefs; sissy. - Abortion protestors. Oh no, they're killing the unborn! Get over it. Don't you people have jobs or anything, or have you figured out a way to scam a paycheck out of someone for standing in front of clinics/schools? Double beatings for anyone who whines about abortion as "killing innocent babies" but supports war (where children will inevitably suffer and die) and the death penalty for retards. Oh yes, strapping someone with roughly the intelligence of cabbage into old sparky is really going to deter other tards from committing crime...because I'm sure your average window-licker really considers all the potential repercussions of their actions. - Celebrities. Why are 90% of these people even famous? - The Royal Family. These people serve absolutely no purpose whatsoever. A vicious and extended beating is called for if for no other reason than we have to hear about the exploits of these unfortunate inbreds. - Paris Hilton. I'm not sure that I can honestly say that there is anyone I "Hate;" except for Miss Hilton. Things should be done to her that would make the Khmer Rouge look like boy scouts by comparison. - Anyone who thought Terry Schiavo should be kept on life support indefinitely. Beating some common sense into these individuals might raise the mean IQ of the US just a wee bit. - People who win frivolous lawsuits. Oh, so you were breaking into someone’s house, you tripped, hurt yourself and then won a $10 million settlement? I demand that these people be subjected to a lengthy bludgeoning session and then stripped of their winnings.
Jon Apostoles
Missile
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Posted: 7/20/2005 9:56:14 AM
Two words: Kris Miszler
Laura
The Church of Scientology.
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Post #: 98
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Posted: 7/20/2005 10:39:16 AM
Specifically, Beck. How could he??? These assholes and their gay-ass Sea Org uniforms can suck a bag of dicks as far as I'm concerned.
ARMEN
PURE GENIUS
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Post #: 99
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Posted: 7/20/2005 11:08:25 AM
YOU MY FRIEND ARE A PURE GENIUS. LET NO ONE SPEAK BAD OF YOU, FOR THEY SHALL DESRVE A BEATING. ROCK ON.
Unknown
Teenager
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Post #: 100
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Posted: 7/20/2005 11:39:13 AM
The guy in the teenager looks like my brother ()_().
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