 | Parallel parking is hard. |
With Mel Gibsons arrest for drunken driving making headlines, I thought I would take this opportunity to point out a few highlights in the history of boozing and cruising. Although Mel apparently made a complete ass out of himself that night, his tequila-fueled outrage of drunkenness, speeding, anti-Semitism, and belligerency hardly ranks up there with some of the more infamous cocktails of man, machine, and alcohol. Please let me know if Ive overlooked any truly epic cases.
To make this a little more interesting Im going to enter this essay on my palm pilot as I drive. Let me just pull over at this convenience store for a six pack. That didnt take long. The 16 oz. cans are a better dealI got a twelve pack. Where was I?
3,500 B.C.- Beer was first made in Mesopotamia around 5,000 B.C. and the wheel was also invented there around 3,500 B.C. Im guessing that within 24 hours after the invention of the wheel, someone in Mesopotamia decided it would be a good idea to mix these two hallmarks of civilization, with disastrous consequences.
June 11, 1190- During the Third Crusade, King Frederick I of Germany, falls off his horse and drowns in the River Saleph, located in modern-day Turkey. Accounts long-lost but credible claim Barbarossa and English King Richard III were playing a medieval fore-runner to the modern 'Beat the Buzz', a game called Macellare lo Spirito (Slaughter the Spirit), in which the kings each drank a hornful of mead and rode fast horses for Cargamesh, hoping to reach the town before they became too drunk to stay mounted. Barbarossa lost. How else to explain a man drowning in two feet of water?
I knew a guy from high school who had a bumper sticker on the back of his '78 Nova that said, DON'T DRIVE DRUNK: YOU MIGHT HIT A BUMP AND SPILL YOUR DRINK. That's funny because it's true! It really is an issue.
June 9-11, 1863- Major General Ulysses S. Grant goes on a two-day bender aboard the steamship Diligent as he supposedly inspects Union positions along the Yazoo River outside Vicksburg. The General reportedly piloted the vessel on several stomach-turning occasions, careening from bank to bank as called out B.S. soundings, to the outrage of professionally offended sailors. In a telegraph that was suppressed by the censors, Grant, in whiskey-induced anger, telegraphed Union General In-Chief Henry W. Halleck:
HEY HALLECK I OWN YOU LIKE MY WIFES SLAVES STOP CAD WASHBURN SEZ YOUR TALKIN SHIT ABOUT ME TO THE PRESIDENT STOP WHY DONT YOU BRING YOUR CHICKIN NECKED ASS DOWN TO THE YAZOO AND TALK SHIT TO MY FACE STOP ILL SLAP YOU W/MY WHISKEY DICK BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April 14, 1912- Captain Edward John Smith wrecks the Titanic with the subsequent loss of 1,516 passengers. I have no evidence that he was shit-faced, but it happened at 11:40 p.m. You be the judge and jury. The ship had an excellent selection of tequila. When in 1985 a joint American-French expedition located the wreck using a video camera, they discovered a salt shaker and limes near the steering wheel.
May 6, 1937- The Hindenburg explodes in a fireball over New Jersey. Radio reporter Herbert Morrisons cry of, Oh the humanity! makes more sense when you learn that the pilot of the Hindenburg was partial to a flaming shot called The Humanity (equals part Bacardi 151 rum, Goldschlager, and Rumpleminz set ablaze). History shouldnt be so hard on the captain. Have you ever tried to parallel-park a zeppelin?
Im making good time, even in this traffic. Im on my fourth beer and Im only about four miles from home.
September 30, 1955- James Dean hits a tree in the middle of nowhere while driving his roadster. Police investigators theorize that he was just trying to pull over and take a leak behind the one tree on Highway 46.
July 19, 1969- US Senator Ted Kennedy decides to take a young lady to the beach and show her his Irish curse, but ended up driving his car off a bridge and into the water. The woman, Mary Jo Kopechne, drowned while Ted slept it off back at his cottage.
1980-2006- This represents Robert Downey Jr.s entire driving career to the present. When he first registered for drivers education as a sophomore, his blood/alcohol was found to be more than twice the legal limit. He never looked back. His custom-made Maserati Quattroporte has a martini holder in the drivers console.
I havent tried to shotgun a beer in a long time. I bet that would be fun.
March 24, 1989- Captain Hazelwood of the Exxon Valdez slams his oil tanker into a reef while he is trying to make another batch of frozen margaritas. The lesson here is that friends dont let friends drink and drive ships carrying 11,000,000 gallons of crude oil which, when dumped into the ocean, can destroy 470 miles of pristine Alaskan coastline.
August 31, 1997- Henri Paul, Princess Dis driver, slams her car into a wall in a Paris tunnel. Turns out he was shit-house drunkeven for French standards. A world-wide wave of grieving is unleashed along with a good joke:
Did you hear about the princess who stayed out past midnight? She turned into a concrete wall.
This joke is incredibly insensitive, but not nearly as callous and insensitive as allowing your chauffer to drive 120 mph down a busy urban thoroughfare. Her car was being chased by photographers, not Al Qaeda assassins.
Ive never noticed that stop sign before. The good news is that I wont have to worry about it tomorrow unless someone comes out and puts it back up.
July 16, 1999- JFK Jr. crashes a plane that he wasnt really qualified to fly. There was no indication that he had been drinking, although his flight pattern was incredibly erratic. At least he had the common courtesy to die as well, unlike his Uncle.
Good evening, O-ci-fer. Or is't morning? What times it? Ist after last call? Shit. You sure? You want me to touch my what with my what? Why, you big
It was pretty bad after that, at least what I can remember. I sent this letter off to my publicist.
"I want to apologize specifically to everyone in the New York Yankees community for the vitriolic and harmful words that I said to a law enforcement officer the night I was arrested on a DUI charge. I believe that Yankee fans are very similar to normal human beings and have the right to coexist and be protected by most of the laws set aside for people. When I say something, either articulated and thought out, or blurted out in a moment of insanity, my words carry weight in the public arena. I dont really think the Yankees suck. Thats just a figure of speech we use in Seattle. "
This article was written by John Scheck with contributions from Charlie DeMarco and Jesse Lamovsky.
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