Its Top 50 time again! Thats right, its the second week of the month already, and goddamn, do we have treat for you.
Our writers went to the lab to scientifically uncover the 50 people most in need of a vicious beating. We arent talking about a run-of-the-mill beat down. We are talking about an Im gonna call a couple of hard, pipe hittin niggas to come down here and work on the homes with a pair of pliers and blow torch kind of beating. We are talking about the kind of battery that leaves you thankful just to be alivean Alberto Gonzales-approved-enemy-combatant-bring-you-back-from-the-dead-with-a-defibrillator-and-then-beat-you-some-more kind of working overthe kind of shit that leaves you with a lazy eye and lisp. We are thinking some Jack Bauer 24 shit, but without the dramatic Sean Callery score.
Now, those kind of beatings aren't just handed out will-nilly. They have to be earned, and this group has paid in full.
General disclaimer: You wont be seeing the names of some people who you might expect to see. There is no Striped Shirt guy, no Tom Cruise, but dont think we forgot about them. More likely they fall into The Top 50 People Who Need To Be Murdered. Unfortunately, we cant exactly put up a hit list on the internets. There are crazy people out there. That being said, do not go out and start beating people up, or at least dont tell the police we told you to do it if you get caught. All we're saying here is that these folks are begging for a life altering physical experience.
Okay, lets get to itNurse, please hand me the pliers.
50. Pauly Shore
What could have possibly convinced anyone that we needed more Pauly Shore? I thought we were done with this guy ten years ago. No one was sitting at home thinking, I wonder what Pauly Shore is up to. But yet there he is on my television saying he will send me money if I dont like his new reality show where he runs the Comedy Store. I know you are thinking, isnt putting Paulie Shore in charge of the Comedy Store like letting Billy Graham run a whorehouse? I hear you.
You know what Pauly, keep your money. Youre going to need it more than I do.
49. Cats
Okay. Theres no sound argument against cats needing a pounding, but theres a common misconception that cats are actually their own species. In reality, cats are just really gay dogs.
48. Tony Robbins
Ok, we get it! You're successful, and you're organized. Good for you. Not all of us have a brain the size of a Volkswagen inside a freakishly large head. You ever think that maybe 61-hours of audio books isnt going to help some unemployed garbage man watching E! at 4am? Get a real job and stop fleecing stupid people out of their unemployment checks.
47. Pat Robertson
Someone must have just stated a fact to Robertson prior to the photo being taken. Facts are Pat Robertson's kryptonite. He hates them more that Jews, Gays, and Muslims combined.
46. Katie Couric
Hey Katie, when you're bound and gagged in the trunk of my car, will you still have that egg-suck grin plastered to your face?
Fuck you too.
45. Ed Begley Jr.
The Phat Phree was down with Ed until he denied us an exclusive interview. Don't cross The Phat Phree- don't even think about it! .
44. Larry Miller
Most people outside of Los Angeles, probably dont know who I am talking about when I say "Larry Miller, owner of Sit n Sleep," but substitute your own local radio/tv pitchman spouting the most obnoxious and annoying commercial lines they can fucking think of. Let me tell you how much I hate Larry Miller. My car radio was stolen several months ago, and I havent replaced it in large part because I dont ever again want to hear that shameless fuck scream, or your mattress is FREEEEEEEEEEE!
43. Don King
The worst thing to happen to boxing ever- Don King still has a beating coming to him for the employee he stomped to death back in 1966 over a $600 debt. He was sentenced to life in prison, but it was reduced in a backroom deal with the Judge. Don also killed a man in 1954 by shooting him in the back. He was never charged with a crime, but the circumstances regarding his vindication are rather shady.
42. Bill Maher
Quite possibly the smarmiest asshole on the planet. And he's as "libertarian" as my nutsack.
41. David Spade
At this point, a beat down may be unnecessary since he gets his ass kicked at the box office every time one of his shitty movies comes out. Lucky for Spade, he can do commercials until hes old enough to be on "Hollywood Squares".
40. The Clerk at Blockbuster
Yeah, I know American Pie 2 fucking sucks but I'm going to watch it anyway. Stop giving me that disappointed look you pretentious prick.
39. Joe Namath
This drunk never-was had one good game in his whole pathetic career, and now we are subjected to his hard-luck story about a drinking problem? Fuck you Joe.
38. Marc Anthony
This is the guy who divorced his Miss Universe wife who had just had his baby 16 months earlier to get with Jennifer Lopez. Thats right. Crazy as shit Jennifer I have to get married to someone immediately Lopez. This guy really needs some sense beat into him. J-Lo is one-time ride, period. You do not bring a woman like that home. Ever.
37. Steven Tyler
There was a commercial that was on television not too long ago, where a bunch of 30-something women were having lunch and Steven Tyler walked in. They all clamored to get to their digital cameras so they could take his picture. Steven Tyler. The guy looks a cross between a battered wife and large mouth bass, not to mention he is almost 60 years old! You cant tell me there are women out there who still get moist at the sight of this guy.
36. Skip Bayless
The Professional Hater. It is one thing to dish out humorous hate on a comedy site. It is a very different thing to do it for real under the guise of credible journalism. Skip is just a punk who cant craft an interesting story without resorting to blatant bashing and baiting. Do your fucking job and cover sports like a sportswriter, you sensationalist hack.
35. John Stamos
Stamos! Why wont you go away like Bob Saget and Dave Coulier? Nice haircut by the way.
34. Kenny Rogers
This Texas Rangers pitcher recently assaulted two cameramen who had the audacity to film him during the on field warm ups prior to a game. This was just days after he missed a start due to punching a defenseless water cooler. If there is any justice, Kenny will be beaten repeatedly with water coolers until he gets his anger issue sorted out.
33. Corey Feldmain
Anyone who ever dressed like Michael Jackson, including Michael Jackson, deserves to be beaten within an inch of his life.
32. James Lipton
And then you made the magnificent Oceans Twelve, a master work. Tell us all about that George Clooney. Lipton, you pretentious, melodramatic ass, they are movies for shits sake. Lets show a modicum of perspective here. You are talking to a movie star, not fucking Rembrandt.
31. Toby Keith
How do I like you now? Not very much. Hey Toby, you fat redneck piece of shit, if you like "kickin' ass" in the Middle East so much, why don't you put down that guitar, pick up a gun, and enlist? Whats that you say? "I cant join up. They drive Hummers and I'm a Ford Truck ManThat's all I Dryeeeve."
30. Oprah
You mean to tell me you had the opportunity to call Tom Cruise out on his creepy fake-romance with a girl who used to have his posters on her wall as a child and you didnt do it? Unforgivable. Do everyone a favor and put How to Give Great Head on your book list. Imagine how much more pleasant this country would be if all those chubby housewives were at least handling their business in the bedroom.
29. Ray Romano
I dont know a single person who loves Raymond. In fact, most people I know hate Raymond.
28. Paul McCartney
Wings?! What the fuck, man? You were in the Beatles. The fucking Beatles! And for the love of all thats holy, please stop playing Hey Jude. Someone needs to beat this guy with his new wifes wooden leg.
27. Esther A.K.A. Madonna
Madonna used to be considered hotNot by me, but by a lot of people. Now she just looks old and insists on making a spectacle of herself by changing her name and joining another Hollywood religious fad. The people who are actually believers in these religions must hate when celebrities convert and make their faith a punchline. Now, she is writing childrens books? Seriously, Esther, you were an oversexed pop harlot for 20 years, you cant just change your name and start writing kids' books. Unacceptable.
17. Mike Polk's Student Loan Officer
That guy won't stop calling the house. He knows you cant get a job with a degree from Kent State what does he expect? This guy seems to think he's working for some leg breaker in Brooklyn look pal, Mikell pay you when he has the money. Chill out.
25. Stephen A. Smith
Does this guy ever NOT yell about the topic he is discussing? Hes like, I tried to get a box of Tag-A-Longs from a girl scout the utha day.and she was ALL OUT! Clearly, this is not a case of her not havin any Tag-A-Longs.it was obviously a matta of her not wanting to sell her Tag-A-Longs to a BLACK MAN! Okay? I promise you dat!
24. George Lopez
How does this guy still work? He is the most unapologetic joke cribber of all-time. I mean really, he is so brazen about it that after the success of The Original Kings of Comedy he went out and did The Original Latin Kings of Comedy. I hear he is putting together a sketch show where he has a sketch in which he plays Ritchie Valens and goes around slapping people and yelling, Soy Ritchie Valens, puta!
23. Steve Masterson A.K.A. STEVE
Hes the Phat Phrees racist/homophobic/idiot commenter extraordinaire. This guy actually sent me an email asking me if he could become a writer what a jackass. Good luck with that global customer service job asshole. Its almost sad that hes so lonely and pathetic that he has to resort to making fag jokes on a message board for attention, but it isnt sad enough to get him out of deserving public ridicule and a severe beating. You feel your heart racing, Steve? Thats you getting called on your bullshit, punk. Oops.
22. The Bachelors and The Bachelorettes
These people completely lack any discernable talent that might otherwise gain them the attention they so desperately desire, so they sign up to date similarly vile people on television. Who is watching these fucking shows? Seriously, your life cant possibly be that boring that an hour of "The Bachelor" is better. Can it? Hold on-
21. People Who Watch "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette"
At least if they caught a severe beating they would have something going on in their lives that was better than watching vapid television shows and stuffing their fat faces with processed foods.
20. Joan & Melissa Rivers
It should be required of all entertainers that they learn a trade. That way, when they are no longer attractive or funny, they can get a real job. And no, celebrity fashion commentator is not a fucking real job.
19. Rosie O'Donnell
You know, I always hated Rosies vile brand of passive-aggressive, humorless, sugar-coated comedy. I actually respect her more for finally coming out. Too bad she didnt have the sand to do it before she was nothing more than an embarrassing footnote in television history. How gorgeous is Tom Cruise now, Rosie? You fraud. And by the way, no one wants to see a play about Boy George.
18. American Idol Contestants
Another group of extraordinarily ordinary people willing to trade their dignity for a moment of notoriety. God forbid you actually do anything to try and achieve your goal of being a singer. Just enter a ridiculous karaoke contest. Oh, you won? Congratulations, you are now the butt of Jay Lenos hack jokes for a year.
17. Ann Coulter
Another one of the new breed of political pundits who is more interested in scoring face time on TV and selling books than honest discourse, Coulter is a particularly despicable and disingenuous know-it-all who doesnt hesitate to make wholly fabricated statements about things that she plainly doesnt understand.
16. Maureen Dowd
The epitome of the New York liberal feministquite possibly the most detestable type of human being in the worldthe liberal version of Ann Coulter minus the fiery conviction. Its hard to even disagree with her articles because she cant string more than 300 words together without totally losing any semblance of a point. I honestly think that there is someone at the NY Times that hates women and publishes Dowd just to make women look stupid.
15. Russell Crowe
This asshole carried one good movie, and it wasnt that clichd snoozer Gladiator. It was L.A. Confidential, and it was eight fucking years ago. If Scorsese and Spielberg can be gracious, so can the poor mans Yahoo Serious. By the way Russell, your band sucks.
14. Kellen Winslow Jr.
You have to be a new and improved kind of stupid to hurt yourself fucking around a motorcycle during the off-season following an injury-shortened rookie season. Add that to his soldier speech following a game in college, and you have real grade-A dick. For more on KW2s bike accident check out: Stupid Tight End Hurt in Cycle Crash.
13. Robin Williams
Oh where to beginRobin Williams is such a ridiculous parody of himself now that I honestly fear that when he goes on The Tonight Show there will be so much suck when he and Jay sit next to each other that the earth will collapse in on itself and destroy all the matter in the universe in a massive implosion. I am embarrassed for him.
The moral of the Robin Williams story: never stop using cocaine.
12. Sean Penn
Who knew that being an actor prepared you for so many jobs? Tom Cruise is neurological science expert; Sean Penn is a journalist who needs college anymore? To be fair, Sean Penn has done a few political thrillers and Tom Cruise probably picked up some things from Kurt Russell (who played a psychologist) on the set of Vanilla Sky.
11. Michael Moore
This guy is so full of shit, and before anyone jumps down my throat here, I could give two shits about the guys politics. He is a double-dealing, dishonest moron who goes around spouting his smug brand of rhetoric about caring for people while he treats the people he doesnt agree with like dogshit. He produces the same bullshit propaganda that he is busy condemning from the other side. Moore is the worst kind of political advocate. He preaches to the choir and alienates everyone who is interested in honest discourse with childish generalizations and hilariously black-or-white faux-morality.
10. Teenagers
We were all there once, and we all deserved a beating for it. Teenagers are the second biggest group of assholes on the planet, bested only by old people.
9. Barry Bonds
Cheater extraordinaire and angry millionaire Barry Bonds seemingly goes out of his way to be ungracious to fans and media alike. Personally, I dont think that athletes owe the fans anything other than 100% effort on the field, but if you want respect from the fans and media, try showing some. Barry on the other hand acts like his paycheck isnt compensation enough, and that he is owed some kind of reverence. Well fuck you too Barry. You made millions of dollars playing a kid's game. Life aint so bad, you grumpy bitch.
8. Kenneth Lay
Mr. Enron is single-handedly responsible for destroying the retirement dreams of nearly all his Enron minions, and while they struggle to find new jobs and rebuild their measly savings accounts, this asswipe continues to live large in his Houston mansion while waiting to go on trial next year. Ill make Ken a deal, if he lets everyone who lost money because of his fraud kick him in the balls once for every dollar he cost them, well let him keep his house.
7. Jimmy Fallon
Fallon is the least funny breakout star ever to come from SNL. He makes Tim Meadows look like a 19-year-old Eddie Murphy. He makes Rob Schneider look like Bill Murray. He makes David Spade look like John Belushi. And for fucks sake, stop smirking at your own terrible jokes you chump.
6. Dan Brown
There is no reason we should be subjected to Dan Brown's mug plastered all over the place. You'd think this guy was the next John Steinbeck with all the press he gets, except that there is always this air of desperation in the inteviews that deteriorate into discussing the controversary surrounding the book. I wonder why that is?
All quibbling about historical accuracy aside, "The Da Vinci Code" is a shitty novel.
5. Dr. Phil
Dr. Phil managed to parlay a chance job helping Oprah win a lawsuit with the cattle industry into a multi-million dollar TV gig. All for doing little more than spouting asinine, over-simplified, backwoods common sense at a bunch of degenerate fuck-ups in order to make fat, lonely housewives feel better about their pathetic lives. How much do you want to bet me that everyone of the mouth-breathing apes he helps on his show are back to their same hijinks by the time their episode airs? Im all in.
4. Bill O'Reilly
O'Reilly is a pompous, double-dealing shitbag. He recently managed to undermine the foundation of higher education and the First Amendment at the same time by inciting his moronic minions to boycott all support of Hamilton College for simply inviting the controversial Ward Churchill to speak at the campus. The ensuing carnage of death threats, hate mail, and irrevocable financial sanctions forced Hamilton to breach its own deeply-rooted principles and cancel the engagement to ensure the safety of its students. So what does O'Reilly do next? Invite Churchill to "The No Sense Zone". I know that one isn't at all funny, but it is a serious matter.
3. Star Jones
Star Jones would be a much more sinister influence if it wasnt so obvious that she is a fucking joke. First, she whores out every aspect of her sham wedding to a gay man, and then she gets hired to critique movie stars looks on the red carpet. Star Jones is going to talk about how Angelina Jolie looks in her dress? Are you fucking serious? Joan Rivers is 1000x more attractive than Star Jones, and Joan Rivers looks like a sun-bleached peat bog mummy.
2. Terrell Owens
This asshole is the epitome of the spoiled, childish clowns that professional sports could use far less of. Hes a great player, no doubt. But hes one of those guys that is convinced that everyone is racist because they all hate him.
Earth to TO: We dont hate you because you are black. We hate you because you are the most self-involved, classless scumbag in the NFL. And that is quite a feat.
1. Jay Leno
My hands are shaking just looking at his name. This guy is a complete embarrassment to comedians everywhere. I can honestly say that I have never heard Leno tell a single funny joke. Not once. It has to be pretty depressing when the funniest thing on your whole comedy show is segment where you read mistakes from the goddamn newspaper.
Alright kiddies, let us hear it. Who else needs a beating?
List compiled by: Charlie DeMarco, Jim Fath, Chris Queen, Chad Zumock, Mike Polk, M. Thomas L., Scott Hofman, Mike Martone, Michael Hagesfeld, Tim Ferrell, Brenda Della Casa, Gabe Uhr, Chris Browne, Steve Kiley, John Iwanski, Joe Nash, and Jen Kusak with the help of the rest of the staff. Written by: Charlie DeMarco with help from the Phat Phree Staff
The Swift Boat Father Fucking Cocksucking Extrodinaires Posted: 11/15/2006by: Swift Boat Faggots Suck Cock Those "Fucking Our Fathers" mavens are at it again. Sucking cock to fast-strumming banjo music, To the tune of "Sweet City Woman" & CHOKING on it. Thet snap into a "Slim Dick, OH, YEAHHHHH!!!!!", (whipping sound). Father fuckers who give GWB, Karl Rove, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity filthy gay head. Anyone involved remotely with religion, or politics. Posted: 11/14/2006by: kinoli Great, nice. You're with god, you're on the left. Okay, lets arrange the seats here, so you all get to look good. Alright, Allah's chosen ones over here, people who talk about either side of the abortion / gay marriage topics over there...
Hide behind your back and forth rhetoric, while the rest of the world works for a living, provided that we can still afford to drive to work, while our gas taxes pay for your 'nonprofit' asses to sit around, get fat on our dime, and come up with something that's already been said a thousand times. There is a separate circle in hell devoted to anyone who is second generation in these professions. There is a reason we have the right to bear arms, so help me god, don't show up on my lawn. Eric Bischoff Posted: 11/13/2006by: I Am Jonathan Coachman's Prostate Another conartist asshole who's a power hungry, conniving S.O.B. He's the ASSHOLE who set up his boytoy Jonathan "I Am Umaga's Prostate" Coachman to harm Maria Kannelis. A BIG FUCK YOU to Bischoff, Coachman, Styles, Umaga & His Carribean sexual trainer. Fuckfaces Roskam, Fitzgerald, etc Posted: 11/11/2006by: Fuck You Cheater WTF do THESE assholes think they are???????????. A bunch of phoney, fradulent vaderneuker koksugure fittas. Patrick Fitzgerald THINKS he's "Mr.Clean", But WATCH. When his tenure ends as US Attorney, Guess what he'll probably be??????????, Governor?????????, Mayor??????????, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!...............A Criminal Defense Lawyer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, WHY?????????.......SIMPLE!!!!!!!.......$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. And Peter Roskam, If HE fucks up, Being connected to the NRA, With another Columbine-type incident. Or his phone bills connected to a certain phone line. Or his IM's. Can YOU SAY "ONE-TERM WONDER???????", "SURE, I KNEW YOU COULD!!!!". 2 fucking coward extrodinaires. Jonathan Coachman Posted: 11/7/2006by: I Am Jonathan Coachman's Prostate What a FUCKING BALD-HEADED ASSHOLE EXTRODINAIRE this cocksucker is, Setting up & FORCING Maria Kallenis to fight Umaga. I hope THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS Jonathan Coachman, Umaga, His boy toy trainer-manager,Joey Styles develop inopperable brain cancer, Legionolossis or Parkinson's, Serves them RIGHT if they do. The Karl Rove, NRCC, GWB Republicunts Posted: 11/6/2006by: Not A Mark Foley Asslicker These father fucking, child molesting, condescending, arrogant, pro-Jesus Camp blaspheming with using the strange god cardboard idol of the cocksucker-in-chief anal fissure suckers as they worship GWB like they would with the phallic symbol make me sick, FUCKING BASTARDS OF THE THIRD DEGREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. And they ALL suck Ted Haggard's methodone-infested cock. Karl Rove & The Condescending GOP Ass Fuckers Posted: 11/5/2006by: Bush Blows Rove What a bunch of assholes these father fucking ass fuckers are Bill "I'm A Fucking Fag" O'Reilly, Jim "I'm A Jared Fogle Blowjob Artist" Talent, Conrad "I Sucked Georgie Boy's Dick" Burns, Prick "I'm A Dog Sodomizer" Santorum, Heather "I Have A Dick" Wilson, Mark "I Love Mark Belling" Green, etc. Coach Posted: 11/5/2006by: Dennis Green Hi. I'm Dennis Green. I read every thing ever written about me on this series of tubes know as the internets. Please continue to offer me your advice, Einstein. I'll be waiting. Ann "Voter Fraud" Coulter Posted: 11/2/2006by: I Am Ann Coulter's Penis And Shephard Shytt, I mean Smith & The OTHER Roger Ailes condescending pricks, Who bludgeon the media to the Karl Rove voter apathy Karnak bullshit, FUCK YOU KARL ROVE!!!!!!!!, YOU RABID COCKSUCKER!!!!!!!!!!. The Blasphemous "Jesus Camp" Idiots Who Worship GWB As Their False God Posted: 10/31/2006by: Stop The Blsphemous BS Fools What a bunch of freaking twerps these varmints are, Freaking false religion.
