Ten Hut Maggots! Look alive! They say the good ones always die in threes. But heres hoping things can change. Richard Pryor and Pat Morita both bit the big bullet recently, so whos third?
Can I nominate Ben Stiller for the open slot? Anytime I even hear reference to Dodgeball, Zoolander or Meet The Fockers, all I can think is how much Id prefer to have a testicle compacted with a beveled rubber mallet. I could put his funny moments from all three of those into one movie and it wouldnt amount to a thirty-second trailer. At least he married a hot chick before everyone caught on. I can only hope he watches "My Name Is Earl" and will someday need to cross me off his list by repaying me the 300 bucks I have spent watching his shitty movies, getting me laid for the two dates that stormed out of the theater, and then hanging himself like I tried to after watching Starsky & Hutch. He has had his moments with Permanent Midnight, Theres Something About Mary and Flirting With Disaster, but that was almost a decade ago and cant make up for one single fucking minute of Duplex.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Is it wrong of me that I liked the other version of this better? Not the best selling novel by Arthur Golden, but the version that starred Lilly Thai, Asia Carerra, and Kom Onmi? Lets face it- a kimono looks a lot better lying on the floor, right?
Surprisingly, neither version stars any Japanese chicks. How is that possible? With all the hot chicks Ive seen on BukkakeVillage.com, I just know there has to be one or two qualified hotties from Nippon to fill out the robes and pluck on that annoying banjo-looking thingy. Regardless, somehow that guy who directed Chicago manage to spend like $80 million making this slow costume epic. Didnt we win the war with Japan? Youd think that would give us a way to make a flick about a bunch of hookery hostesses cheaper, but alas it does not.
With the two hot Chinese stars of Crouching Tiger I thought that maybe they spent all that money on making these chicks fly through the air or something. Nope. They spent it on lessons for the actresses on how to walk with a bottle of sake on their heads and recreating a post-Bomb Japan. Do yourself a favor, Rob Marshall- next time you need a bombed out looking city just shoot in Gary, Indiana and save yourself some loot. This flick may make its money back with overseas box office or if it wins some awards, but I have a hard time believing mainstream American audiences will give a fuck about an all-Asian cast if there is no chop sockey action or pube masked scrumping. But nobody went to see Aeon Flux either, so who knows?
Heres another movie that will probably be crushed by the 8000 lbs gorilla (see last weeks reviews), the Jesus metaphor movie, and the lighting-scarred prince of pre-pubescent potions, but it certainly doesnt deserve that fate. Im no anti-semite, everyone should have a little piece of land somewhere, but I can also tell you that I could give a fuck about the politics of Israel or Palestine for the most part.
But a good premise, regardless of the political sentiment, just works. What is working here is that the story is basically what if Israel put a hit out on all the people connected to Palestinian terrorists, killing 11 Israeli hostages during the 1972 Olympics.
Many of you may not be old enough to remember this moment, but the brief opening including interspliced TV footage from the event along with Steven Spielbergs new recreations of these moments was haunting for me. I was still in Nam on clean-up crew in 72 myself, but even with fellow grunts and Vietcong dropping like flies, the Olympic hostage situation was the big news for a while.
From there Spielberg weaves an all- too-scarily true story around five fairly regular Jews, including that boring guy who played the Incredible Hulk, from around the world who are brought together by the Israeli government to secretly enact the countrys revenge. Every moment from there out feels like the classic stuff of Hitchcock legend.
Personally Im a good soldier wholl crack any head my CO points to, but after seeing this movie, it makes you question all the moral ramifications of entanglement with civilians and the morality of knowing if youve actually identified the right target. This movie is honestly more of a tension filled thrill ride than The Great American Scream Machine at Six Flags Great Adventure. Screw the Lion, The Gorilla and the broomstick and go see this instead.
I had hoped to be reviewing Outkast's new album this week, but in one last final Fuck You to the music industry for 2005 their new album has been pushed back until next year. That pretty much means there aint shit out for the holidays, so I had to start digging for new places to find good tunes to listen too. Rhapsody and iTunes cost money, so after visiting The Phat Phrees MySpace page, I thought to finally click the music link and see what the free halls of Foxs latest cyberspace acquisition had to offer. Here few gems that I found among the chaotic mess of oily dudes, over-cleavaged chicks, and infighting over who would make it into Cori Yarckins new top 8.
Dusty White The page doesnt say much about this band, but they sound like a rocking version of Elvis Costello and Maroon Five fist-fighting the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Razillion Ere em cum ram dance fa da stylee, no wuttum sain. Nope, I cant understand a word this guy is spitting, but he sounds like hes having a good time. Better than Shabba Ranks.
Snow Patrol An Irish band that sounds like Coldplay minus the gay part.
Aesop Rock The reigning King of Underground Nerd Rap. This motherfucker gets more jabs in than a Mexican featherweight.
Tila Tequila The music is terrible but the pictures are great! Turn your speakers off before you visit this one.
Dane Cook Why bother spending money on records or comedy clubs. Theres no two-drink minimum at my house.
Joey, do you like movies about gladiators? Nope, not since Ridley Scott started making them. But when I walk into Best Buy and realize that Airplane is the only new DVD release for the holidays worth the purchase price, my cheeks do start to feel like Ive spent some time in a Turkish Prison. The Abrams, Zucker & Zucker 1980 follow up to the more sketch-based Kentucky Fried Movie is a moment of pure comedic genius.
Up to that point Hollywood had thought that to do a comedy you had to have comedic actors. Not so. What if you just use really bad serious actors? Leslie Neilson has since made and entire second career in comedy by doing the same awful stuff he did as a dramatic actor before that. The key is slapping the most ridiculous dialogue possible on characters that all take themselves too seriously. Basically, a room full of straight men all telling jokes. Brilliant! Every Naked Gun and Scary Movie since has tried to live up to this pioneer of the spoof genre. Just remember, There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
Why do you want this guy to die? You see the shirt he is wearing? Do those symbols look familiar to you? Well they should. They are the logos I use every week for my reviews. I have commissioned my own shirt for the grand opening of The Phat Phrees new store Oscar Shitleys. And by commissioned I mean, I stormed a clothing store in Kent, Ohio with my pre-ban AR15 and forced this guy and his girlfriend to make and model my new line of t-shirts. I know thats a little First Blood of me to do, but I wanted to make sure you guys got the point, the point of my M-9 bayonet that is. Too bad it made this guy look like he crapped his pants in the photo. So the real question this week is, what do you boot lickers think of the new store, what kind of items would you like to see in the store, and how many Napalm shirts do you wanna buy? If you answer less than three to the last question, this guy in the picture gets it and you are next. I'd also be curious to know what you guys think of those MySpace artists and if you've seen any other good music on MySpace.
How About Posted: 12/19/2005by: Tom A a "Phat Phree Traveling Plinko Team" shirt?
You could throw an Abused Family Circus, or a Dennis the: [Whatever] on a shirt, too.
And here's another vote for "Next Time They Live" shirt. (or Jacket?) gv Posted: 12/17/2005by: ihj Why not print some of the articles on a shirt? Most of Polk's stuff is short enough, and I would buy a Sanford shirt. ideas Posted: 12/16/2005by: Eric What about an "undercover yuppie" shirt? Or an NFL All-Criminal Team? I don't want a Ben Sherman shirt
classic movie Posted: 12/16/2005by: CoolBreeze the kentucky fried movie is an absolute classic. i haven't seen a reference to it in many years. napalm, i salute you... Devo, I care Posted: 12/16/2005by: matt well no I guess I really don't. Oh OK Posted: 12/16/2005by: Devo I've read that one before. I didnt think it was that funny. I like the Judge Parker: Proving a Point a lot more. But I guess that is my opinion. And who really gives a shit about my opinion? I sure as hell dont. Wait....god dammit I'll shut up now. DEVO Posted: 12/16/2005by: Christine The funniest Comic ever posted on TPP. It is a Judge Parker Comic by Jimmy Colo I believe God Napalm sucks Posted: 12/16/2005by: albanian guy Please no more.PLease NEXT TIME THEY LIVE Posted: 12/16/2005by: Devo People keep suggesting that they make a shirt with "Next Time They Live" on it. What is this in reference to? some more ladies t's Posted: 12/16/2005by: deuce a pic of brenda della casa "loving her fake boobies" or dana j's "beautiful vag"
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Is it wrong of me that I liked the other version of this better? Not the best selling novel by Arthur Golden, but the version that starred Lilly Thai, Asia Carerra, and Kom Onmi? Lets face it- a kimono looks a lot better lying on the floor, right? 
Heres another movie that will probably be crushed by the 8000 lbs gorilla (
Joey, do you like movies about gladiators? Nope, not since Ridley Scott started making them. But when I walk into Best Buy and realize that Airplane is the only new DVD release for the holidays worth the purchase price, my cheeks do start to feel like Ive spent some time in a Turkish Prison. The Abrams, Zucker & Zucker 1980 follow up to the more sketch-based Kentucky Fried Movie is a moment of pure comedic genius.
Why do you want this guy to die? You see the shirt he is wearing? Do those symbols look familiar to you? Well they should. They are the logos I use every week for my reviews. I have commissioned my own shirt for the grand opening of 
