Everyone loves a hummer! Whether its the kind where a 19-year old brown skinned Moroccan beauty wraps her glistening lips around your magic Johnson, or whether its the kind that drive down the street and leave tire marks on the tree lawn because the damned thing wont fit in a fucking lane. Either way, who can resist the power of a good hummer?
Last week a friend of mine, Army Col. Magnus VonShiles (Ret.) passed away from complications of GWS (Gulf War Syndrome), or as we used to say in the old days, he shot himself. Something about accidentally killing your own men just sends a guy off the deep end, I guess. Regardless, I was willed one of his five Hummers. We're not talking about one of those pansy plasticky looking Tonka toys that they have nowadays, or a night with one of his several hot nieces. Im talking about an honest-to-God military-grade HumVee. The one I got had a Kevlar-enforced drivers door and three peek-a-boos in the back. I think the peek-a-boos were originally designed for soldiers to be able to stick their guns out of the back and fire on the enemy, but to my knowledge theyve only ever been used as glory holes for pissing when youre in a long convey and no one wants to be the pussy that asks for a potty break. Regardless, Im speaking of this wonderful vehicle in the past tense because I sold it already. It was the perfect automobile for my needs, except for the part where it cost me $181.52 to fill the tank, which I seemed to need to do once every 4 or 5 days with the amount of driving I do when Im stateside. Maybe suburban housewives and good old Uncle Sam can afford that shit, but Ill wait for the Hummer Hybrid that gets 12 miles to the gallon before I ever drive one out of my own pocket again.
If anyone would like to meet me in person Ill be doing an autograph signing tomorrow at the Portage County Fair and annual gun show, right between the Kiss or Kill booth and the funnel cakes. Ill also be holding one of my famous survival courses next week, too. If you are interested in attending, just look for the classified ad that says, Learn how to survive, thrive and kick ass in any situation just like a Marine! in the back of most of your favorite gun magazines. Its only two grand for the three-day program, or three grand for the whole week. Plus, we offer discounts for schoolteachers, postal workers, and hot chicks. Hope to see you at one or the other of these fun family events. ABOUT FACE! Time for the reviews!
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Ive done some bounty hunting in my days- in fact, I even crossed paths with the real Domino Harvey a few times, and Im here to tell you that its not quite as gritty or fun as this movie makes it out to be. But thats a good thing. Who wants to see a movie about guys sitting around in an unmarked white van for three days eating Ding Dongs, waiting for some Springer Show reject to show up at his ex-wifes trailer home and beat the shit out of her? No way. Youd much rather see the reigning co-chair of the itty bitty tittie committee, Keira Poor British Mans Natalie Portman Knightley, playing dress up as the big gun-toting bounty hunter and former professional model, Domino Harvey. Honestly, the most important thing to know about this movie is that Mickey Rourke no longer looks like one of those Ack Ack aliens from Mars Attacks, and is the closest to looking like he used to look back in the day. Now if we could just get him to start doing more of those screen gems where he praying mantis-style balls some super hot, as of yet unknown starlet, then wed all be set for life. Maybe he should be the one to break Scarlett Johansson in on-screen. Anyway, the movie has a stylized look, like a cross between the Mexico scenes from Traffic and Three Kings, which unlike the annoying Man on Fire, actually draws you in to the character and the movie more. The plot itself is passable and has all the elements you need for a decent actioner these days: cars, guns, cops, robbers in First Lady masks, Beverly Hills socialites, big guns, the mob, 10 million dollars, a hot Asian chick, really big guns, and Christopher Uncomfortable Hunk Of Metal, More Cowbell, And Youre A Cantaloupe Walken. Did I mention there were some awesome guns in this flick? This sort of based on a real story movie is definitely worth your ten bucks this weekend.
Starring Ralph Garman, Al Pacino, and that man-faced actor from Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation. Oh wait, Shrapnel Smith is telling me that Rene Russo wasnt in that movie, it was Rene Zellwegger, but Matthew I Can Even Make Sam Jackson Boring McConaughey was, so I guess I can still say that. I also know that Ralph Garman is not really one of the big stars in the movie, but based on his interview for the Phat Phree, he hasnt realized that the two minutes they accidentally slipped in of him gorging at the craft services table doesnt really count as name above title. Does anyone remember the first Godfather, or Dog Day Afternoon? When exactly was it that someone told Al Pacino that he had to yell for people to go see his movies? Now dont get me wrong, as a Marine I can tell you that yelling makes a certain dramatic point, but that really only gives Al an excuse for Scent of a Woman. Maybe even as Satan, or a coked out Scarface I can give him a pass. But as a recovering gambling addict running a multi-million dollar betting consulting firm, I just dont see it. Unsurprisingly, Jeremy Piven is the only person in the whole movie doing any real acting, and I gather that Pacino had some of Ari Golds lines cut down to show him who was really the man and who was just tagging along in the Entourage. Pivens rivalry with McConaugheys goody two-shoes character could have been a movie by itself if done right, but instead this movie is just another in a long line of chances for Pacino to show how tough he is by eating gravel, sandpaper and whiskey for breakfast and spitting his lines at that camera at jet engine volume.
Well its nice to know there is one place left where the Democrats can get things right. Scripted television. You think with all the lefty Commie writers out there in Hollywood that someone could have written at least one decent speech for the 2004 DNC. But alas, buckwheats for the Dems. TV, however is a beautiful place where all your wildest dreams can come true, like a Latino candidate for President that knows how to use his military record to get good headlines. Its also a place where Jeaneane Garafallo can make political statements that people actually listen to without cursing the day they ever heard the name Al Franken. But Im not totally against "The Left Wing". Theres a lot of reality in the show too, like the White House totally botching an internal investigation and people spending more time walking and talking than doing anything that even remotely resembles running the country. At least its more believable than "The Breast Wing"- I mean, "Shes The Sheriff"- no, I mean Gutthroat Island 2: The Oval Orifice, or whatever ABC is calling that unrealistic farce where not only is a woman President, but she is an independent that ran with a Republican. That is about as likely as Tom Cruise having actually delivered his man seed to Katie Holmes instead of using a Turkey baster. This last episode of "The West Wing" didnt even have a cameo by Charlie Sheens dad. That stinks of a Republican White House to me. Im pretty sure Bush only goes by the office to pick up his paychecks or to use the company phone for personal calls. If the Bartlett Administration is meant to mimic our last Democratic White House, then instead of leaving town, the President would just be inviting all of his buddies over to smoke weed through a tube of Snuggle in the Lincoln Bedroom. But even in spite of my animosity towards the guys who make the decisions at the top, and the fact that politically I am more of a Libertarian than a Donkey or a Grand Ole anything, this show still somehow manages to be entertaining and compelling three years after it's prime. The hardest thing for me is watching Bradley Whitford doing the political talk shows and expecting him to sound like the witty and intelligent Josh Lyman, instead of the bumbling prick actor that he really is in real life. Ill give the Aaron Sorkinless version of the show another couple years if they can really build Smits as a good replacement for Sheen, and if they can find a way to get Alan Alda into a Mary McCormick / Marlee Matlin sandwich. I hear Marlee can do things with her fingers that you wouldnt believe!
Normally I am not a fan of anything that even remotely resembles booty rap or club music. In fact, you are more likely to catch me listening to Ring Of Fire by Johnny Cash then Ballin Gs by the Cash Money Millionares. But on my recent trip to Jamaica, I learned to appreciate just what a good booty-bouncing club song can do for you. That is, primarily get you laid, or at least the best dry hump in public youve ever had. One of these new Sean Paul songs came on at a club and I heard some dude behind me yell, eargull commonear and makkum klapnow yahnoe. I later found out he had basically said "come over here and make it clap". Shortly thereafter this beautiful chocolate-skinned beauty jumped in front wearing a bikini and a light waist wrap and proceeded to actually make her ass cheeks clap louder than the hammer of a Taurus PT 137. Then the dude said, Hershey cumnow, bakkittup gurl. And she then proceeded to back the clapping buttocks on to my throbbing man junk. Id tell you about the rest of the night, except the part where her press-on nails got lost might be too graphic, besides the fact that I think I might have accidentally killed someone, but needless to say, as soon as I was back stateside I had a new found appreciation for Sean Paul. I went out, bought the record, and keep it loaded on my iPod now for those lonely nights on assignment in the middle of the jungle. Whod have ever thought that thinking about a song would be enough ammo for Ole Nape to crank off some of his clam juice? But somehow it works. The songs suck, but under the right conditions, this record may be the find of your life.
I just realized that I would ball Keira Knightleys teeth straight, but it has nothing to really do with her appearance. I just love that fucking accent in her voice! Which lead me to question number one this week.
1). Who is the hottest foreign actress of all time, in your opinion?
2). Second question is a follow-up to last week. The big WWE Homecoming was decent, but probably only worth 3 Ears due to the lackluster booking. But it makes me want to know what some of you guys think are some of the best, or at least most memorable wrestling matches of all time. If you say the Bushwhackers vs. the Nasty Boys from that WWF Friday night show that was on NBC in the 80s, I will run uphill in 98% humidity to your house and teabag you at knife-point.
PAZ Posted: 7/29/2006by: JOWY PAZ VEGA HANDS DOWN HOTTEST , AND A RACK TO MATCH SALMA'S paz vega Posted: 2/3/2006by: fred paz vega is the most beautiful woman in the world C'mon Aaron Posted: 10/12/2005by: Garner 2 words:
Paz Vega.
Huh? What?
Granted, she's Spanish, not Latino...but it's really all the same. Give me her and Penelople Cruz, and this cabellero esta bueno.
baywatch Posted: 10/11/2005by: kk What about Pamela Anderson, and her extrordinary acting on Baywatch and Barbwire. She is from Canada.
I think the best wrestling match was when that one dumb ass fell from the ceiling and killed himself. Now that was some good old fashioned real violence. I think his name was Owen Hart. Hot actresses and good wrestling Posted: 10/9/2005by: YoMama 1. Salma Hayek. Hot 2. Most memorable match? Let's see ... I lked Hulk vs. Andre the Giant, where hulk body slammed the Giant. Or the cage match where Undertaker choke slammed Mankind through the roof of the cage in a table below.
Why is it I know more about wrestling than hot foreign actresses? God I suck. Oh no I didn't! Posted: 10/7/2005by: HMK I didn't read this until late in the day, but I must say it was worth the wait. Very well done Mr. Jones. I can't believe I am going to say this, but I agree with STEVE on two different points. 1) Stewey Griffin- The Family Guy is the best show on TV right now and the movie rocks! 2) Grow up, it wasn't real 20 years ago and its not real now! Fuck the WWF!
As for International beauties- 1) Kiera Knightly- I love her accent. 2) Kate Winslet- She is an amazing actress and I love her accent to.
Shitty Article? Posted: 10/7/2005by: PTA There are no better reviews anywhere... but enough with the fucking wrestling shit. FUCK DOGMA... Posted: 10/7/2005by: STEVE Apparently you've never seen Desperado you sorry son of a bitch. She rides Antonio Banderas like a Tiajuana hooker. The Mexicana Posted: 10/7/2005by: Joe Kickass My money's gotta be on Salma Hayek as well. That scene where she's a stripper in Dogma with those glasses and pigtails while she's sucking on her thumb... oh man.
And as someone else pointed out earlier, there is no better rack to be found. MRE Posted: 10/7/2005by: Colonel Sanders Way to cover up a shitty article by asking questions about hot chicks and WWF. Now drop and give me twenty soldier.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Ive done some bounty hunting in my days- in fact, I even crossed paths with the real Domino Harvey a few times, and Im here to tell you that its not quite as gritty or fun as this movie makes it out to be. But thats a good thing. Who wants to see a movie about guys sitting around in an unmarked white van for three days eating Ding Dongs, waiting for some Springer Show reject to show up at his ex-wifes trailer home and beat the shit out of her? No way. Youd much rather see the reigning co-chair of the itty bitty tittie committee, Keira Poor British Mans Natalie Portman Knightley, playing dress up as the big gun-toting bounty hunter and former professional model, Domino Harvey. Honestly, the most important thing to know about this movie is that Mickey Rourke no longer looks like one of those Ack Ack aliens from Mars Attacks, and is the closest to looking like he used to look back in the day. Now if we could just get him to start doing more of those screen gems where he praying mantis-style balls some super hot, as of yet unknown starlet, then wed all be set for life. Maybe he should be the one to break Scarlett Johansson in on-screen. Anyway, the movie has a stylized look, like a cross between the Mexico scenes from Traffic and Three Kings, which unlike the annoying Man on Fire, actually draws you in to the character and the movie more. The plot itself is passable and has all the elements you need for a decent actioner these days: cars, guns, cops, robbers in First Lady masks, Beverly Hills socialites, big guns, the mob, 10 million dollars, a hot Asian chick, really big guns, and Christopher Uncomfortable Hunk Of Metal, More Cowbell, And Youre A Cantaloupe Walken. Did I mention there were some awesome guns in this flick? This sort of based on a real story movie is definitely worth your ten bucks this weekend.
Starring Ralph Garman, Al Pacino, and that man-faced actor from Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation. Oh wait, Shrapnel Smith is telling me that Rene Russo wasnt in that movie, it was Rene Zellwegger, but Matthew I Can Even Make Sam Jackson Boring McConaughey was, so I guess I can still say that. I also know that Ralph Garman is not really one of the big stars in the movie, but based on 
Well its nice to know there is one place left where the Democrats can get things right. Scripted television. You think with all the lefty Commie writers out there in Hollywood that someone could have written at least one decent speech for the 2004 DNC. But alas, buckwheats for the Dems. TV, however is a beautiful place where all your wildest dreams can come true, like a Latino candidate for President that knows how to use his military record to get good headlines. Its also a place where Jeaneane Garafallo can make political statements that people actually listen to without cursing the day they ever heard the name Al Franken. But Im not totally against "The Left Wing". Theres a lot of reality in the show too, like the White House totally botching an internal investigation and people spending more time walking and talking than doing anything that even remotely resembles running the country. At least its more believable than "The Breast Wing"- I mean, "Shes The Sheriff"- no, I mean Gutthroat Island 2: The Oval Orifice, or whatever ABC is calling that unrealistic farce where not only is a woman President, but she is an independent that ran with a Republican. That is about as likely as Tom Cruise having actually delivered his man seed to Katie Holmes instead of using a Turkey baster. This last episode of "The West Wing" didnt even have a cameo by Charlie Sheens dad. That stinks of a Republican White House to me. Im pretty sure Bush only goes by the office to pick up his paychecks or to use the company phone for personal calls. If the Bartlett Administration is meant to mimic our last Democratic White House, then instead of leaving town, the President would just be inviting all of his buddies over to smoke weed through a tube of Snuggle in the Lincoln Bedroom. But even in spite of my animosity towards the guys who make the decisions at the top, and the fact that politically I am more of a Libertarian than a Donkey or a Grand Ole anything, this show still somehow manages to be entertaining and compelling three years after it's prime. The hardest thing for me is watching Bradley Whitford doing the political talk shows and expecting him to sound like the witty and intelligent Josh Lyman, instead of the bumbling prick actor that he really is in real life. Ill give the Aaron Sorkinless version of the show another couple years if they can really build Smits as a good replacement for Sheen, and if they can find a way to get Alan Alda into a Mary McCormick / Marlee Matlin sandwich. I hear Marlee can do things with her fingers that you wouldnt believe!
Normally I am not a fan of anything that even remotely resembles booty rap or club music. In fact, you are more likely to catch me listening to Ring Of Fire by Johnny Cash then Ballin Gs by the Cash Money Millionares. But on my recent trip to Jamaica, I learned to appreciate just what a good booty-bouncing club song can do for you. That is, primarily get you laid, or at least the best dry hump in public youve ever had. One of these new Sean Paul songs came on at a club and I heard some dude behind me yell, eargull commonear and makkum klapnow yahnoe. I later found out he had basically said "come over here and make it clap". Shortly thereafter this beautiful chocolate-skinned beauty jumped in front wearing a bikini and a light waist wrap and proceeded to actually make her ass cheeks clap louder than the hammer of a Taurus PT 137. Then the dude said, Hershey cumnow, bakkittup gurl. And she then proceeded to back the clapping buttocks on to my throbbing man junk. Id tell you about the rest of the night, except the part where her press-on nails got lost might be too graphic, besides the fact that I think I might have accidentally killed someone, but needless to say, as soon as I was back stateside I had a new found appreciation for Sean Paul. I went out, bought the record, and keep it loaded on my iPod now for those lonely nights on assignment in the middle of the jungle. Whod have ever thought that thinking about a song would be enough ammo for Ole Nape to crank off some of his clam juice? But somehow it works. The songs suck, but under the right conditions, this record may be the find of your life.
