Gram Dammies! I mean damn Grammies! Im confused like a retard trying to read a campus map at Harvard. These awards shows seem to defy all logic. Remember Jethro Tull beating out Metallica for best Metal artist? Or the soy bomb guy? Or O.D.B. getting all crackish? Well this years show was no different. I mean you would think that an academy made up of audio engineers would be able to rid their show of cross talk on the mics, stop some feedback, or just to know that its hard to hear someone talk when the music is five times louder on the montage they are talking about. You would also think they wouldnt let crazy people on the stage. But there were some great performances to go along with some mediocre ones. And the judges just sometimes lost their minds like when they sent that kid who hit on all the girls home. Oh wait that was "American Idol". Thats right, the Grammys bored the shit out of me so I watched "Idol", "Lost" and "Invasion" instead. Then I watched the bad officiating at the Super Bowl again on my Tivo. Then I clipped my fingernails. Then I watched a pot of water boil. Then I flicked my balls with one of those grade school rulers. All more exciting than watching a bunch of half dumb fuckwits gladhanding each other about who has done more for the homeless musicians of New Orleans.
If the Oscars are supposed to be about artistic vision in film then shouldnt the Grammy Awards be about talent in musical recordings? But it seems like talent in music is only is only appreciated when it is consumed by the masses. So if the Grammies are gonna be a sales contest shouldnt they be held by Billboard? The Oscars are just the opposite. It is a chance for Hollywood to reward a bunch of films that no one saw. In fact the popular genre of comedy is almost entirely snubbed every year. It is said that only really intelligent people can write good comedy, yet an obvious attempt to systematically pull at heart strings in the most clich possible ways like Cinderella Man will always be considered over a funny, better made, better reviewed, and highly enjoyed by the masses film like The 40-Year-Old Virgin. What the fuck kind of sense does that make?
But this week is about music so I went back and watched the tape of the Grammy Awards today. In the midst of the cool special effects of Madonna walking around a CG holographic Gorilla, Mariah Carey having morphed from a skinny white girl into a fat black chick, and bringing Sly Stone back from the dead, there is one band that still truly defies all logic, U2. They arent all that good anymore, but they certainly arent bad either. They are popular, but this last record didnt really sell that much and only had one that one iPod commercial single. Do sales of that Black and Red iPod count as album sales for them? I dont think thats really fair. I just liked those colors better and I dont think I ever even listen to the actual album that was loaded on there. And if theres gonna be a U2 iPod, shouldnt it be chocked to the gills with the whole U2 library? Throw Boy, War, and Joshua Tree on an iPod and I can guarantee you some sales. You could make that thing fucking phosphorescent pink, orange, and green and people would still buy it. But them winning for songs that sound like "Elevation" and "One" is kind of ridiculous.
Not quite as strange though as Green Day winning an award for a two year old song that they already won the same award for last year or Paul McCartney bringing his almost dead legacy back to life by playing a rocking version of "Helter Skelter" and then ruining it all again an hour later by performer a mash-up of Yesterday with Linkin Park and Jay Z. Most of the awards apparently were given away by the CNN headline ticker at the bottom of the screen. In fact I remember about four actual trophies that were given away, but according to Grammies website they gave out like 200 awards this year. My advice to NARAS, if youre gonna give David Bowie a lifetime achievement award, you might think about asking him to come and play. I hear hes pretty good.
Heres a couple quick reviews to remind you why you should stay at home and diddle yourself this weekend instead of spending ten bucks at the Cineplex.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Gimme back my son! Oh wait, that was Mel Gibson. But thats pretty much all you need to know about this one. Harrison channels his own worst moments from Frantic and Patriot Games into a white collar Jack Bauer. Right down to having the same first name and the lemon-faced chick who plays Chloe as his computer geek to the rescue. But never fear Harrison Ford returns in Indiana Jones 4 next year! In this one a crazy escaped Nazi general builds a time machine and sends an aging Indy back to the exact moment of throw me the whip Ill throw you the idol. Alfred Molina however is still young and healthy so he escapes the cavern with the idol while Harrison misses the swing across gorge, gets his arm crushed trying to grab his hat and then gets flattened by a papier-mch boulder. Then his back-in-time-dad shaves tha day by swooping in as Goldfinger era Bond and defeats the Nazis with some ingenious Q devices. Basically watching Firewall is like eating cooked grits plain. With no butter or salt or pepper or syrup all you have is gritty lifeless hominy. With no wookies, religious artifacts, or androids dreaming of electric sheep, all you have left here is a carpenter trying to act.
Speaking of ruined legacies, Steve Martin destroys every good moment of The Jerk, Three Amigos and Planes, Trains And Automobiles in one fail swoop. Not only that but, he manages to completely destroy a franchise that was built on some of the most brilliantly subtle slap stick performances by Peter Sellars. Given the Pink Panther series were in actuality probably some of Sellars worst performances. But they were still dick over fist better than Martin bringing his wild and crazy guys shtick to the French detective. In fact he does a graver injustice to the role than Alan Arkin did in 1968s Inspector Clouseau. Steve Martin would be better off trying to play Junior Seau than Inspector Clouseau. And Beyonce? If she didnt have an ass like she was the black Kelly Clarkson, she wouldnt be qualified to guest star in an episode of "Half and Half". My sources tell me that Chris Tucker was originally attached to star in this movie. That wouldve been sweet. Then he could have karate chopped his man servant and proclaimed, You got knocked the fuck out! Instead, Chris Tuckers biggest contribution to entertainment in the past year was standing there as dumbfounded as Mike Myers while Kanye West called Dubya a racist during that hurricane relief concert on NBC. Note to Chris Tucker, only doing Rush Hour movies once every 5 years is not a good way to stay on top. Note to Steve Martin, go back to making those eight is enough movies or whatever they are. At least then you are only shitting on Dick Van Patten.
Who wouldnt want to see a bunch of snot nosed, smart mouthed teens get picked off one by one in a series of horrific Mouse Trap like death sequences. This time instead of an airplane crash or an explosive freeway pile up, some kids get off a roller coaster before it goes flying off the rails. But a series of photos holds the clues to how the survivors will eventually die. Who the fuck cares? Thats like the kids trying to figure out how to wake up during a Freddie dream or wandering off to have sex at camp after three people have already died. Who gives a shit about the logic or plot. All these flicks need is just enough or a reason for us to want to see the splatter fest. The kids behind me in the theater made 600 bucks by taking bets on who was going to die next. Thats the real fun in a movie like this. Go ahead. You try to figure out exactly how the kid in the drive through is going to be decapitated by a fan blade. Or take bets on which firm breasted nubile will bite it first. Its getting harder to predict movie deaths these days. It used to be you knew the black guy was going to be first followed immediately by the slutty screaming chick. But then Ernie Hudson made it to the end of Leviathan and fucked the whole thing up for everyone. But at least now we can all have fun with the order and type of death in these shitty flicks.
I would have reviewed Curious George this week also, but a man in a yellow raincoat trying to show people his monkey even seemed a bit weird to me, so on to this weeks questions.
I once slowly severed a mans arm off with a machete. The Corps should have told me he was an informant ahead of time. Regardless, I want to know what your favorite slasher movie of all time is. If you say Slumber Party Massacre III then I will hunt you down and force you to watch it to prove your shitty answer. Also, what was your favorite or least favorite Grammy moment from this or any other years show?
Huh? Posted: 2/10/2006by: J-Rock Holy crap Napalm! You've been holding out on Battle Royale and Casshern? How come you haven't reviewed those flicks? I just saw the casshern website and it looks awesome. Is that movie available in the states yet? Says its coming to theaters. And Basketcase was another movie likes It's Alive that was dope. Brattatattatatttatata! Posted: 2/10/2006by: Napalm Jones I have in fact seen Battle Royale. TPP writer Vince Tennant turned Charlie DeMarco on to it. And then Charlie turned me on to it. The gunplay is a bit amatuerish but awesome nonetheless. A movie that kicks the shit out of Hero but is still a bit of a morality play is Casshern. Very awesome look to it. Check out the trailer at www.casshern.com.
Oh and the It's Alive movies with the rabbid baby that runs around trying to kill people is the best slasher series in my opinion.
And I did intentionally said "fail" as a play on words. Are you fucking serious! Posted: 2/10/2006by: Milton You liked Hero???????
How? Why? What did you like?? I sent every person on my e-mail list a warning about this movie and a few tried it anyway. The response from each person was the same.
Dude, you have a very high tolerance for pain! Atlas Posted: 2/10/2006by: Joe Kickass That is fucking priceless. notes Posted: 2/10/2006by: kayvon I heard Battle Royale was goofy, but I can't wait to see it.
Milton, I was gonna take your word on Wolf Creek until you made that comment about Hero. Now I can't wait to see Wolf Creek either.
Best horror movie ever: Leprechaun in the Hood. Overrated, faux-social commentary movies like The Hills Have Eyes and one-trick ponies like I Spit on your Grave and Last House on the Left cannot even hang with the sheer terror that is Leprechaun in the Hood.
"You'll see, cause you know the Leprechaun is the real OG" Yeah Posted: 2/10/2006by: Christine If I was forced to play this survival game and i was the girl given the garbage can lid, I would hang myself from the nearest tree. I mean, unless you're Charlie DeMarco, its a useless weapon. It's great Posted: 2/10/2006by: Joe Kickass Friend against friend.
Also, the powers that be put two 'ringers' in there to make it interesting. Needless to say, these guys are badass. Also, danger zones constantly squeeze available space on the island. And when the military first tells the kids what they have to do is the best.
Hot teenage asian bitches with uzis. Oh man. Napalm, you seen? Christine Posted: 2/10/2006by: Milton Whats worse is you have little asian kids running around trying to kill you with garbage can lids!!!!
Oh the carnage!!!.... Junior Posted: 2/10/2006by: Andy The worst I ever saw was Junior. It was so bad they used red construction paper for blood. Anyone ever see it? It did have nudity though. Joe Posted: 2/10/2006by: Christine Your description alone is scary. I will not see this movie. What a horrifying idea!!! Could you imagine being on a deserted island and fighting for your life and you are completely on your own and scared and helpless. Oh my god, I am hiding under my desk. eek.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Gimme back my son! Oh wait, that was Mel Gibson. But thats pretty much all you need to know about this one. Harrison channels his own worst moments from Frantic and Patriot Games into a white collar Jack Bauer. Right down to having the same first name and the lemon-faced chick who plays Chloe as his computer geek to the rescue. But never fear Harrison Ford returns in Indiana Jones 4 next year! In this one a crazy escaped Nazi general builds a time machine and sends an aging Indy back to the exact moment of throw me the whip Ill throw you the idol. Alfred Molina however is still young and healthy so he escapes the cavern with the idol while Harrison misses the swing across gorge, gets his arm crushed trying to grab his hat and then gets flattened by a papier-mch boulder. Then his back-in-time-dad shaves tha day by swooping in as Goldfinger era Bond and defeats the Nazis with some ingenious Q devices. Basically watching Firewall is like eating cooked grits plain. With no butter or salt or pepper or syrup all you have is gritty lifeless hominy. With no wookies, religious artifacts, or androids dreaming of electric sheep, all you have left here is a carpenter trying to act.
Speaking of ruined legacies, Steve Martin destroys every good moment of The Jerk, Three Amigos and Planes, Trains And Automobiles in one fail swoop. Not only that but, he manages to completely destroy a franchise that was built on some of the most brilliantly subtle slap stick performances by Peter Sellars. Given the Pink Panther series were in actuality probably some of Sellars worst performances. But they were still dick over fist better than Martin bringing his wild and crazy guys shtick to the French detective. In fact he does a graver injustice to the role than Alan Arkin did in 1968s Inspector Clouseau. Steve Martin would be better off trying to play Junior Seau than Inspector Clouseau. And Beyonce? If she didnt have an ass like she was the black Kelly Clarkson, she wouldnt be qualified to guest star in an episode of "Half and Half". My sources tell me that Chris Tucker was originally attached to star in this movie. That wouldve been sweet. Then he could have karate chopped his man servant and proclaimed, You got knocked the fuck out! Instead, Chris Tuckers biggest contribution to entertainment in the past year was standing there as dumbfounded as Mike Myers while Kanye West called Dubya a racist during that hurricane relief concert on NBC. Note to Chris Tucker, only doing Rush Hour movies once every 5 years is not a good way to stay on top. Note to Steve Martin, go back to making those eight is enough movies or whatever they are. At least then you are only shitting on Dick Van Patten.
Who wouldnt want to see a bunch of snot nosed, smart mouthed teens get picked off one by one in a series of horrific Mouse Trap like death sequences. This time instead of an airplane crash or an explosive freeway pile up, some kids get off a roller coaster before it goes flying off the rails. But a series of photos holds the clues to how the survivors will eventually die. Who the fuck cares? Thats like the kids trying to figure out how to wake up during a Freddie dream or wandering off to have sex at camp after three people have already died. Who gives a shit about the logic or plot. All these flicks need is just enough or a reason for us to want to see the splatter fest. The kids behind me in the theater made 600 bucks by taking bets on who was going to die next. Thats the real fun in a movie like this. Go ahead. You try to figure out exactly how the kid in the drive through is going to be decapitated by a fan blade. Or take bets on which firm breasted nubile will bite it first. Its getting harder to predict movie deaths these days. It used to be you knew the black guy was going to be first followed immediately by the slutty screaming chick. But then Ernie Hudson made it to the end of Leviathan and fucked the whole thing up for everyone. But at least now we can all have fun with the order and type of death in these shitty flicks.
