Its a good time to be a man if youre a fucking woman. Its like were frilly 18th century dandy fops all over again. Ten years ago I could get into a bar dressed like a fucking lumberjack. Camo fatigue pants, some Timberland boots, a Camel Lights pocket tee purchased with Camel cash, and a stained flannel were the norm in man wear. Sure there were still a couple douche bags that were rocking pleated hammer pants and a polka dot button up, but everyone knew those guys were one crossed sword away from being cum gobblers. Even hip hop style back then was still about a pair of Jordans and a Starter jacket, not double tight suit jackets from some rappers clothing line.
These were the days when the bouncers job was to throw your ass out for sexually harassing some woperbeing by saying she had a nice ass. But nowadays its acceptable to get a girl to show you her tits in a bar as long as you give her a free girls gone wild t-shirt and you look like Ryan Seacrest. What happened? When exactly did it become acceptable for men to shop at Express. If I really needed you to see my cock so bad that I had to buy a pair of flat fronts that was so tight you could see the outline of my mushroom tip then I would just pull my cock out. Besides, isnt Express where girls go to buy inexpensive tank tops? A guys t-shirt costs like $43 dollars in that fucking place. And whats with the fucking coms? The shirt folders seem to have better fiber optic headsets than most special ops forces. What the fuck kind of missions are these jabronis running. Roger that. Two slacks off the line one click north of aisle bravo 7. Im on it.
Striped shirts are so 2005. Pink is the new striped shirt. Fucking pink! Tommy Lasorda would stop eating if he thought it would keep some asshole from wearing a flat-billed pink LA Dodgers hat. Ive seen gangbangers walking around looking like they stole their wardrobe from a 4-month-old girl. And the baby blue stuff isnt much better. I wasnt allowed into a club last week because Nike Air Force Ones werent acceptable footwear even though I was wearing slacks and solid color button down. Yet the waxed monkey behind me got in wearing triple tight flair leg jeans and a fake concert T just because he had on a pair of blue and orange clown bowling shoe from Sketchers, an oversized trendy belt buckle that his shirt was tucked into, a white bandanna and a 200 dollar pink Von Dutch trucker hat. Of course I beat the bouncer senseless with my mini maglite and went in anyway, but thats beside the point. Women used to complain that all the hot guys were gay, to the point that now all the straight guys dress gay. But gay dudes actually understand fashion. No gay dude shops at Abercrombie. Or buys loafers at the Mall. I have it on good authority that they go to Aldo for real Canadian made Italian shoes. A gay dude shopping at Urban Outfitters is like a real skate punk shopping at Hot Topic. But thanks to Old Navy any dude can get his metrosexual on and "Queer Eye" himself right up for a night on the town. So, women of the world rejoice that were all faggots now. Hope youre happy.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Youd think after Charlies Angels, Shaft, and Starsky and Hutch that Hollywood would just let the old cop shows die. No such luck. But there may be a reason yet to try one last update. How about this novel idea. Instead of taking an old action show and making a campy tongue in cheek update, lets make a update so serious people wont have a clue how it has anything to do with the original. Okay maybe thats a bad idea too. Shoulda better known better when the whole project sprung up from Jamie Foxx needling Michael Mann to remake his classic 80s action show.
There was something fun about the old show. Maybe it was the all the Aquanet, or Afronet in the case of Phillip Michael Thomas or maybe it was the songs and cameos provided by Glen Frey and Phil Collins. At least we were spared Don Johnson lending the show any of the gems from Heartbreak, his 1986 catastrophe of a musical collaboration with cheese dick late night sidekick Paul Shafer. Maybe it was Edward James Olmos pocked marked scowl that made the show so good. Nothing says fun for the whole family like a gruff Latino who looks like his washes his face every morning gravel and Drano. Or maybe it was just the pastel linen suits and the lack of socks that gave the show its edgy fun tone. Honestly, it was the Jai-Alai and that chicks bouncing tits in that shoestring bikini in the opening credits that did the job for me. But the movie has none of what made the orignal Vice famous.
In fact this version is so dark that Collin Ferrell felt the need to really become a drug addict to get into the part, or at least thats what his stint in rehab right after filming would suggest. I guess that's why Vice is in the title. And forget his natural good looks ladies. They have been replaced with 10W40 as hair gel and a Selleck of a mustache that would make Sam Elliot in Tombstone blush. And Jamie Foxx, well, hes a tool. How am I supposed to believe this guy is some kind of baddass undercover narc when he ran and hid under a bed for days after there was a real gunfight near their Santo Domingo shooting locale. In fact, Mr. Im a big time actor since I did Stealth refused to continue shooting outside of the country because of the incident, which forced Mann to use an alternate ending that took place back in Miami instead. Be careful what you wish for, pussy. Personally I wish he would stop trying to be R. Kelly or Will Smith and go back to his day job playing second fiddle to Keenan Ivory Wayans, but I guess theres only so much work these days at Hot Dog On A Stick or whatever one ends up doing after the luster of Glimmer Man wears off.
So why did I still like it? Im a sucker for guns. MP5s, AR 15s, Glock 17Ls, S&W snub nose 38s. Doesnt matter. If its got a hammer and a trigger it makes me happier than getting to the Hometown Buffet on the first of the month before some welfare recipient has a chance to cough a lugie into the ranch dressing. I dont know how Mann does it, but every shot and every gun he has used in a movie has been perfect since he filmed that bank heist in Heat. In post-production he goes so far as to have real versions of the guns fired in a similar size space with the same type of reflective materials so that the sound of each whizzing bullet and burning shell falling to the ground matches up perfectly to the action you see on the screen. Plus Ferraris in movies are sweet as long as Michael Bay is banned from the set. The plot itself is at best "Smugglers Blues" all over again, or a discarded version of Rush Hour 3, so if youre looking for dramatic plot development I recommend staying at home and catching up on the past four seasons of "One Tree Hill" on DVD instead. But if what you really want is the gritty world the Mann created in Collateral combined with fast cars, high stakes drug running, and automatic weapons then look no further. This is every bit the sleazy modern cops and robbers vehicle you have been searching for.
More like Tucker Max must die. I really dont get it. Chicks totally want guys to be waxed, gelled, and fashionable, but then they get all pissed when you use it to your advantage. Just like chicks expect a certain amount of attention when they get all dolled up with water bras and cherry lip gloss, I full well expect that if I show up dowsed in Axe and hairless that some taint licking is in order. The frequency with which both Tucker Max and the more realistic yet completely fictional John Tucker get to bury their mushrooms wands in some bearded axe-wound proves that it doesnt really matter how big of a dick girls say you are if youre well groomed and make the girl think you give half a shit about her for the first ten mintues of a conversation. Proving my long held belief that the asshole gets the girl.
So who the fuck is this movie for anyway? All the girls in this movie are shallow, conniving bitches who are all foolish enough to fall for stupid lines, yet too stupid to use their collective pussy power. But then maybe this movie really is for girls since most of the women I talk to seem to all hate each other and think that every other girl on the planet is a nasty whore. Its like girls really believe its cool when they tell their friends that they swallowed some popped collar preps load on the first date, but yet their girlfriend who got the dudes Kaiser helmet in her twix factory the next week is the real slut. News flash ladies, youre both hookers.
The only exception in this movie is of course the one chick who has to get the standard nerd girl who wasnt nerdy but now shes a hot piece of ass makeover from her shallow and conniving psuedo friends. How many fucking times is a movie gonna use that tired old bit. I thought it was dead when Pygmallion got made into a movie in 1938. And if that wasnt enough, surely it was retired after Another Teen Movie exposed the Cant Buy Me Love convention for the garbage that it is. Jesus, didnt anybody see Nick Cannon in Love Dont Cost a Thing? No? My point exactly. Regardless of the school sluts banning together to enact their ultimate revenge on the varsity lothario; John Tucker comes off like the dunce in shining armor against this group of Heathers. His vapid preoccupation with himself and the ease in which he cons these women is only strengthened by that pathetic manner in which all their plans backfire in his favor. They trick him into wearing a girls thong and it becomes all the rage with the guys on the schools basketball team.
Sure, I like to see teenage girls teaching each other how to kiss as much as the next guy. But sitting through this shit is like peeling a potato and then watching it turn brown again. In my opinion its Tina Fey who must die because if it werent for the success of Mean Girls people would not continue to destroy the genre that John Hughes worked so hard to build in the eighties. Skip this shit and rent Sixteen Candles. The Donger is calling you.
Well Kirk Sticky Jones is no Wesley Snipes, but then again Wesley Snipes is no Denzel Washington so I guess it all works out in the end. Personally Im more convinced by Sticky Fingaz when hes playing a pot-smoking grunt in "Over There" or a drug dealing rapper in "The Shield". But I shouldnt type cast the guy. If Tom Cruise can play a 48 vampire then why not some guy who got his start by beat boxing with other barbers. Oh right because one of them is a short actor and the other one has a frighteningly freakish roving eyeball. But then again, Wesley Snipes couldnt act his way out or a Bar Mitzvah, so I guess it doesnt really matter who fills his shoes. Who would have thought when I was listening to Onyxs Blac Vagina Finda or watching Passenger 57 that either of them would still have careers.
At first I was surprised that the lucrative film franchise was headed the route of cable action show especially when I heard it was being created for Spike TV. Apparently being the network for men means that men like shitty programming. "The Dudesons"? Really? But what "The Shield" did for bringing HBO style language and stories to cable dramas, "Blade: The Series" is doing for blood and guts. I would have been happier if Jessica Beihl had reprised her role as the best assed vampire hunter since Kristy Swanson was Buffy, but Im always down to watch a cool beheading or vampires being fed hookers by cops anytime, even if the chicks on the TV version are about as pretty as those asian chicks who smoke cigars at the back of the mahjong parlor.
Summer TV season on cable is fast become one of the best times to watch TV in general. A lot of these shows might not be great in the traditional sense, but they beat the shit out of syndicated and cable shows of yore like "Andromeda", "Pacific Blue", "Earth Final Conflict", and "Xena: The Lesbian Princess". Though shows like "Blade" ham it up with the over the top vampire cult infiltration plots and cheesy "Highlander" like flashbacks to the past, as an action show it offers way more than anything on the networks. The big boys seem to have no offerings in the A-Team/MacGuyver type category these days now that "Alias" is gone, and Ill be damned if Im gonna spend my summer watching Rey Rey get screwed by Chavo or Tommy Lee decide who is gonna be the next egotistical coke whore to front a piss poor washed up rock band. Who needs that when Motorhead is still around?
1. As you might have noticed I'm having some minor issues with the lesser sex this week. I appologize. It's because I got dumped last week. In fact my intro was hate inspired by that cum-trap who told me she couldnt have sex with me unless I stopped wearing combat boots. I broke her tibia with a toothbrush, but I have considered that I might want to get laid again in the futre, so I wanna try shopping for clothes somewhere other than the surplus store and the swap meat. So my question is honestly where should a man shop for clothes?
2. Caption This
3. My buddy Shrapnel Smith tells me that I should be glad my lady friend left me because she was a fucking pig. But seriously is there really anything wrong with hoggin? If you would never bang a fat girl tell me why. If you would, then you had better explain yourself as well. Personally I like the sweat. It turns every crevasse into a warm soft labia.
Mike Posted: 9/24/2006by: Mike Google preved rodnoy! apcservicder
Mike Posted: 9/23/2006by: Mike Google preved rodnoy! apcservicder
buenos noches Posted: 8/18/2006by: Los Angeles 5 stars, I think that most of us in LA stick to primary colors, dudes buying hot pink and aqua dodger hats actually live in Reno or Salt Lake or some other armpit. most people out here serious sticking to the classice, catch a beatdown wearing the united colors of benneton hats in chavez ravine. But you giaants fans, come on down and visit our city, we promise we'll be nice. BIZZARO SCG Posted: 8/1/2006by: Jazzy Jeff I was hoping for some better vibe but. . .
1. Easy, garage sales, GoodWill, then TJ MAXX and the Buckle for the ladies. Hit Victoria just to see if the hot bitches are there.
2. Mom finally found out what happens when a constipated child throws up.
3. Fat is great, fat is hot, fat is where your come gets shot. Fat chicks always give better head, because they need to. Brattattatatta! Posted: 7/28/2006by: napalm Alright, I'm going out to dinner in a pair of kind of baggy black slacks and a light blue button down. But I have to say I really think I look like a Radio Shack employee, so this might not be quite right either. tucker Posted: 7/28/2006by: dormbrew i read tucker's site and this site all the time. i totally got the comparison in the review. it reads like there is a guy like tucker that is banging several girls that all go after him. i would think that the writers on this site would probably get what tucker does better than anybody. so i don't think there is any cause for alarm or defending tucker. Why fat girls? Posted: 7/28/2006by: YoMama Because they literally bend over backwards for you. If you travel a lot, best thing you can do off the bat is make nice with a chubby local waitress/bartender. They can hook you up with drinks, get you smoke and love to get a batch on the face. They fill in nicely while you get your bearings, find some some good connections (including a 20 year old stripper/drug dealer who can get you an ounce of the sticky with a day's notice) and identify some chicks worth actually dating before you fillet them.
Never rule out fat girls. Without fat girls who offer ever-ready pussy none of us would have more than 50 or 60 girls on the resume, tops. They say life is what happens between the big moments ... fat girls are life. Why fat girls? Posted: 7/28/2006by: YoMama Because they literally bend over backwards for you. If you travel a lot, best thing you can do off the bat is make nice with a chubby local waitress/bartender. They can hook you up with drinks, get you smoke and love to get a batch on the face. They fill in nicely while you get your bearings, find some some good connections (including a 20 year old stripper/drug dealer who can get you an ounce of the sticky with a day's notice) and identify some chicks worth actually dating before you fillet them.
Never rule out fat girls. Without fat girls who offer ever-ready pussy none of us would have more than 50 or 60 girls on the resume, tops. They say life is what happens between the big moments ... fat girls are life. Tucker is great! Posted: 7/28/2006by: napalm Yes, I actually know Tucker. The Phat Phree has the same book agent. I have had beers with Tucker. Have you? My characterisation was not meant to disparage Tucker in anyway. It was more directed as an insult to the kind of women who are portrayed in this movie. The entire point was that women bitch about guys like Tucker, but in the end they always fall for him. Sorry if that wasn't clear. I thought it was funny that the movie was also called John Tucker must die because it really plays out like an angry woman wrote it to get back at a guy like Tucker Max who was totally upfront with her the whole time. If you know anything about Tucker then you would understand the obvious parrallels I have drawn. And for the record, he is not necessarily a pretty boy, but he certainly is better groomed than I am with a much nicer wardrobe. Also any fans of Tucker's should read his defense of "Fratire" (a genre the Phat Phree has been lumped in to) on the Huffington Post. Probably one of the best things he's ever written on a serious level. YEAH.... Posted: 7/28/2006by: mams Do you have any clue Who Tucker Max even is, do you read his stuff before making comments? Your characterization is no where near what he's like. It would take 5 minutes of reading his shit to know he's nothing like the guy in that movie, and would mock him mercilessly for letting girls get to him. That's not even close to his M.O., and he for sure isn't a puffer who keeps well groomed and wears striped or pink shirts, or deceives to women to get them to sleep with him...you are usually good, but for fucks sake man, know what you are doing first before you rag on a guy.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Youd think after Charlies Angels, Shaft, and Starsky and Hutch that Hollywood would just let the old cop shows die. No such luck. But there may be a reason yet to try one last update. How about this novel idea. Instead of taking an old action show and making a campy tongue in cheek update, lets make a update so serious people wont have a clue how it has anything to do with the original. Okay maybe thats a bad idea too. Shoulda better known better when the whole project sprung up from Jamie Foxx needling Michael Mann to remake his classic 80s action show.
More like Tucker Max must die. I really dont get it. Chicks totally want guys to be waxed, gelled, and fashionable, but then they get all pissed when you use it to your advantage. Just like chicks expect a certain amount of attention when they get all dolled up with water bras and cherry lip gloss, I full well expect that if I show up dowsed in Axe and hairless that some taint licking is in order. The frequency with which both Tucker Max and the more realistic yet completely fictional John Tucker get to bury their mushrooms wands in some bearded axe-wound proves that it doesnt really matter how big of a dick girls say you are if youre well groomed and make the girl think you give half a shit about her for the first ten mintues of a conversation. Proving my long held belief that the asshole gets the girl.
Well Kirk Sticky Jones is no Wesley Snipes, but then again Wesley Snipes is no Denzel Washington so I guess it all works out in the end. Personally Im more convinced by Sticky Fingaz when hes playing a pot-smoking grunt in "Over There" or a drug dealing rapper in "The Shield". But I shouldnt type cast the guy. If Tom Cruise can play a 48 vampire then why not some guy who got his start by beat boxing with other barbers. Oh right because one of them is a short actor and the other one has a frighteningly freakish roving eyeball. But then again, Wesley Snipes couldnt act his way out or a Bar Mitzvah, so I guess it doesnt really matter who fills his shoes. Who would have thought when I was listening to Onyxs Blac Vagina Finda or watching Passenger 57 that either of them would still have careers. 
