Of all the dangerous animals on the face of Gods green Earth how the fuck did Steve Irwin get killed by a goddamned stingray? This guy had faced off with king cobras, crocodiles, lions, sharks, rhinoceroses, and even the European tabloid media who we all know are stone cold killing machines after Princess Di and survived. But then he gets 86ed by a fucking spiny fish? That is just humiliating. They say famous people die in threes so I expect that Adam Walsh will get killed in a freak re-enactment accident and Carlos Mencia with be bludgeoned to death by an angry audience member in the next few weeks. I mean maybe the crocodile hunter deserved it for beating his woman with a closed fist or dangling that baby near a croc, but with that kind of logic Michael Jackson would have suffocated in a bubble by now.
Personally I like to look at the bright side of the situation. I think this means that if you do something enough times you really do improve your chances of the impossible happening. As soon as I heard that Irwin finally got Roy Horned I ran out and bought 20 lottery tickets. I also started calling every number in the 310 area code and asking if Wynona Ryder was home and if she was looking for a sex partner for the evening. I figure one of these days itll happen right. I mean the freak heart puncture Irwin suffered that killed him would be like Cliff Huxtable killing Rudy with a belly button air embolism from zerberts. Sure it could happen but youd have to be some kind of dumb fuck to be putting your mouth on your kids every goddamned day to even remotely have a chance. In the end Irwin is just another Grizzly Man that got too comfortable with his subjects. Look bitch, you knew I was a snake.
I wouldnt want Ben Affleck to think that I even remotely care that hes alive or that I have gotten over the fact that he is keeping Kevin Smiths Academy Award warm for him so Im gonna ignore his shallow attempt at being Superman by starring in what should have been a MOW biopic about TV's man of steel George Reeves, Hollywoodland. I also couldn't get a press pass for the bus from Speed is now a man action flick Crank. So no movies or music this week. Instead, I spent the past few weeks digging through trailers, scripts, upfront packages and pilot episodes to bring you this years Fall TV preview. In other words, I watched 83 hours of crap so you dont have to. This year Ive decided to rate the television season by days of the week instead of individual shows to try to give you the most comprehensive guide for how you should watch TV this year. If you are looking for big laughs then grab a mirror. If you give two shits about the old idiot box then read on because this is like one of those Phat Phree Sports Previews that we run for the truly faithful fans. So here is Part 1 of my poignant (read: does this guy have a real job) insight into this falls television season.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby Three Ears for well-rounded but average...like a white girl's ass Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Also known as the house that HBO built. The night houses such greats as "Deadwood", "Entourage", "Curb Your Enthusiasm", "Lucky Louie" and "The Sopranos", which will return early in January. But this fall it is home to one of the best shows on TV, "The Wire". Any show where the procedural crime scene investigation can reconstruct a murder only using the word fuck and its many classic variations will always be one of the best programs around. This season the Barksdales have faded but young thug Marlo is ready to step up to the challenge at the same time the real thugs in pin stripe suits are jockeying for the mayors chair at city hall. Who knows where this season will end but after the three most consistent seasons of television since the Dick Sargent era of "Bewitched", "The Wire" is guaranteed to please. HBO's other novel idea this fall is to actually premier first run hollywood movies on sunday night. What a novel idea. A movie station actually showing movies is kind of like if MTV started showing videos again. Genius programming move!
News flash. Black Audiences laughing at raunchy black comics is still funnier than half the damn jokes. Obviously Russell Simmons knows this too because he has decided once again to save black comedians from the chitterling circuit by resurrecting his roll down the aisle like a shouting Baptist stand up show, "Def Comedy Jam". Apparently now that his wife has left his sorry ass he can stop pretending to like Poetry like all you pussy whipped faggots out there and get back to the real goods. This season is one of the most consistent yet, simply because of the combination of "Def Comedy" veterans and the pick of the litter of new up and coming black comics who have never had a chance to say "shit" "fuck"or "honky" on television yet which is why you dont know who they are. Hopefully this run of "Def Comedy Jam" will provide us with a whole new group of burnt out black comics who are tired of swearing to star in the next batch of "The Hughleys", "My Wife and Kids", and "Bernie Mac" type shows.
Speaking of black people on TV apparently Sunday is not the day of rest for the brother man afterall. The last two safe havens of black sitcoms, The WB and UPN, have merged to form a new shitty half a network called the CW. Obviously that stands for Colored Weekends because every single sitcom starring a minority cast is now relegated to Sunday night. "Everybody Hates Chris", "All Of Us", "Girlfriends" and its spinoff "The Game" all run back to back. Even Tyra Banks got sent to the back of the bus, bringing up the rear with the newest season of "Americas Next Top Bitchy Girl Who Looks Like Something From A Grimms Fairytale". At least on "American Idol" you have to wait until the performance to see if the contestant is a piece of crap. These girls start ugly and end ugly. It is really just a test of who can walk in high heels and not laugh at the gay dude who looks like Nipsy Russell, but thinks hes Diana Ross.
My Recomendation For TV Watching On Any Given Sunday Wake up. Drink beer. Watch Football. Drink more beer. Eat wings. Watch afternoon game. Nap. Eat Cold Wings. Drink more beer. Then at 7 watch "Everybody Hates Chris" so you can feel like you too were a po black chile growin up in the 80s. At 7:30 switch to "60 Minutes" just in case there was somekind of terrorist attack or something that you might need to know about. When Andy Rooney comes on smoke a bowl. Then at 8:00 watch "The Simpsons" baked out of your mind. Then, whenever you remember, switch to the "Sunday Night Game" on its new NBC home. Watch in its entirety and resist all urges to switch to "The Wire". When the game is over see if you can catch the last few minutes of "Def Jam" so you can feel like a po' black child growing up in the new millennium. Wait for HBO to run one of their now standard 3 show marathons of "The Wire" on Friday nights that was designed to catch you up with the show. It is better in bigger chunks anyway. Or just catch one of the late night replays on HBO Zone.
What To Avoid Anything with Arvin Sloan and Sally Fields. He will betray you and she will cry. Callista Flockhart will eat a cake and then blow chunks. You wont be able to see Tom Skerrits lips move under his mustache. And Rachel Griffiths might have to keep her brother from trying to sex her. If that isnt enough Balthazar Getty also stars in the new ABC show "Brothers & Sisters". One of the actors described the show as, a bunch of neurotic people lost in their own psychosis". Sounds about as great as another season of pathetic suburban white women whining at each others antics and twisting their lips up at each other. "Desperate Housewives" combined with "Brothers & Sisters" equals "Must Flee TV" for me.
This night is turning into a Tivo-tastrophe for me. I said it in my full review of the show and I will say it again, the beginning of "Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip" might be the best 10 minutes in television this fall. I must also amend another previous review and say that the second and third episodes of "Vanished" were about ten millions times better than the pilot episode, but the show will still probably lose my interest in the near future because I will be preoccupied with one question. What if people all over the world started developing super natural powers that just might be the key to saving humanity? My answer would be wait until the next season of the "4400" to find out. NBC's answer however is to watch their new "Lost" crossed with the X-Men type show "Heroes". But the real question is about this show is how did Greg Grunberg get a part with out his best friend JJ Abrams involved in the shows creation? The pilot poses some intriguing questions not unlike our favorite island mystery, but feels like it is moving slower than last years canceled semi success Invasion. NBC has proven their willingness this year to keep trying the event based Sci-Fi fantasy show by filling the slot held by "Surface" last year with "Heroes". Well see if this one can outlast the likes of "Threshhold", but Im guessing most of you have probably already forgotten those three shows I just mentioned. Im betting that "Heroes" will only be good if the audience demands it and will only stick around if 18-35 year old males (read: anyone whos name isnt Christine that is reading this) actually decide to watch this instead of "Monday Night Football" or "Raw". Sounds like a tough sell to me so be careful getting too invested in this one unless you see them move it to a different time slot. The only other new show worth mentioning is The Class, which is basically about a guy who reunites his vastly different friends from his third grade class. What that really amounts to is a crappy premise that allowed the show creators to attempt yet again to make another crappy version of Friends. Boo, hiss.
Heres how I recommend viewing the night Watch "Prison Break" at 8, "Heroes" at 9 and then "Studio 60" at 10. And if you live on the East Coast watch the West Coast feed of "Weeds" late night or out West watch it early at 7PM. If you are dealing with Central or Mountain time you probably dont have Showtime anyway so just rent it when it comes out on DVD if you can ever figure out how to plug that new fangled thing in and still get signal from the roof antenna at the same time. Tivo The Class, How I Met Your Mother and Monday Night Raw. Watch "Raw" at 11 and fast forward all the ring entrances, clips from last week and those stupid recaps where they show you what happened right before the commercial break in case you are so stupid that your short term memory cant think past a Stacker 2 commerical, three people wrecking a Jetta, and a promo for that stupid John Cena movie where he thinks a deep voice somehow makes you a Marine. You do not need to actually watch The Class or How I Met Your Mother. Only keep the most recent episodes in case you bring a date home. Make sure once you get her in the pad that she sees you have the shows tivoed and then start a conversation about how much you miss Friends too and how Allison Hannigan should have done a Buffy spinoff as Willow because she will never replace Phoebe. Then prepare for the best blowjob of your life. Chicks think that caring about bad sitcom characters makes you a sensitive guy when really it just makes you an asshole. But we all know that in the real world asshole gets the girl, everytime.
What To Avoid 7th Heaven, What About Brian and anything staring David Caruso that doesnt also feature Sam Jackson. Two and Half Men gets a pass in honor of frequent commenter and show star Charlie Sheen. Hey Charlie, how come Ducky doesnt read the site?
Now we get back to programming that you would typically expect from the networks; 6 procedural dramas, a reality dance show with B-celebrities, a medical drama, a couple of programs for girls on the CW, a remake of a mediocre movie as a TV show, and some sitcoms that ABC will have probably canceled before you even read this. Amazing that without a CSI anywhere in sight on Tuesday night you still get several forms of the crime procedure drama with "The Unit", "Standoff", "Boston Legal", "NCIS", and two "Law and Orders". I get it already! Theres a crime. Theres a way to solve this crime. But only after we witness the procedure of solving a crime and deal with so many twists that the guy we thought did it in the first place has been proven innocent twice and is now guilty again. Great. Now Ill never have to read another Nancy Drew book.
"House" keeps bringing the goods this season as witnessed by the season opener, but since the show is some how in syndication already on USA and will probably be around forever Im just gonna watch this seasons episodes 4 years from now when Im bored in the summer. The big Tuesday night question is how the fuck can NBC possibly think that a TV version of Friday Night Lights that really just stretches the plot of the movie out over the course of the full season could be any good. Especially with an even more no name cast than the theatrical version. Mr. Grastric Bypass Slingblade himself probably couldn't have made this show any better. Theydve had a better chance at turning The Program into a TV show. Or better yet Necessary Roughness. Im pretty sure Sinbad and Scott Bakula will work for food these days. And dont say that Bakula made decent money on that hack of a Star Trek show "Enterprise" either. I tell you what happened. He went to that museum in Hollywood where you can pay to sit in the captains chair for a photo to look cool for your nerdy friends. He kept paying so they just dragged his stiff ass over to the lot with the chair and started shooting the show around him. He might still be sitting in it now that the show is canceled hoping to channel some of that Shatner magic.
The one program of interest to watch on Tuesday might be "Smith". I honestly have to wonder how CBS can afford to even make this show. I read the pilot script about two months ago and every time I flipped a page I could swear a hundred dollar bill was falling into my lap. Its basically Heat as a TV show. The main characters are bank robbers and more expensive shit gets blown up in the pilot than the NASA Shuttle program. And if that doesnt sound expensive enough the cast itself is made up of Ray Liotta, Virginia Madsen, Simon Baker (youd know him if you saw him), Jonny Lee Miller, that women who played the crazy Arabic mom on "24" a couple seasons ago, and Amy I Get Hard When People Even Say Road Trip Smart. Plus the script was good. And if you watch any regular amount of television you have to know that a script that is actually really good is gonna have to cost some money because there just arent that many out there. I know there were shows like "Thief" and "Heist" last year with equally credible casts but this show may turn into the first action drama to really stick around since the days when you could throw a penny and hit an "Airwolf", "Riptide", "A-Team", or "MacGuyver". This is one of my top picks this fall.
How To Watch The Night Ignore everything I just said about "Smith" because I still wont watch it. Its up against "ECW" which is honestly the only thing Ill really tune into on a Tuesday Night. The Whole Fucking Show! I would get started on "Smith" but I would only have to dump it later when "The Shield" returns to its Tuesday at 10 time slot as well and my Tivo becomes a battle of brains over brawn.
What To Avoid "Gilmore Girls". Don't even think about it. The chicks all look crustier than that backpack you had in college. Sure it was passable when you were taking Intro to Anthropology. But by the time you had spilled bong water in it from trying to smuggle your Graphix into the girls dorm it was over. Also avoid any thing with a colon or acronym in the title. I here "Veronica Mars" is decent but so is a Subway BMT and you'll never catch me going out of my way for that either.
1. All this TV talk and the fact the myself, Zumock and BDC all have articles up today has me feeling nostalgic. So, who was your favorite TV character from the 80s? Personally mine was Tootie from the "Facts Of Life". Not fat Tootie from the later years, but roller skating Tootie in her ittie bittie tittie committee years when they all still lived in a girls dormitory.
2. Caption The Classics
3. I had a dream last night (read: nocturnal emission) that Tia Carrere and Kirsten Dunst were in a wet t-shirt contest that degenerated into a catfight somehow. After I reluctantly had to pull them apart I woke up with the nagging question, who has the best rack in Hollywood?
2. "Oh, hi Mike, you're home early. No, um, we weren't doing anything!" "Yeah, Dad, we weren't doing anything. Nothing at all!"
3. Nadine Velasquez
And I love the Arvin Sloan reference. daughterfucker Posted: 9/9/2006by: Curtis You dumb cunt... why is there no mention of Nip/Tuck? ...fuckin beauty. Good call, Dlamp Posted: 9/8/2006by: Dave B I forgot all about her. Unhappily Ever After was the show I think. Good Jorb Posted: 9/8/2006by: DLamp 1. Storm Shadow (fuck you Snake Eyes!)
2. Right before the murders.
3. Nikki Cox. I can't remember the name of the show she was on, on the WB back in the day, but that got me through a lot of adolescent nights. granted... Posted: 9/8/2006by: antony stacey's breast are not her best feature, that would, i ca't believe i'm saying this...her eyes. (silver medal goes to her ass).... but can there really be an argument against G.I. Demi? that seen where she was working by herself, it made me respect (read: lust after) female officers. I'm in Posted: 9/8/2006by: Tangent Guy 1. Loni Anderson (WKRP in Cincinnati) 2. "Oh Greg, you DID find the Crisco - hook 'em, Horns!" 3. Jessica (Sproing!) Alba.
P.S. Winona is a lush: everytime she's been spotted out and about in the Bay Area she's had at least half a heat on.
Blizatow! Posted: 9/8/2006by: Napalm Jones Christine, I know chicks dig that Wentworth Miller guy, but his hairline is worse than when Brad Daugherty had that box cut. This kid is a fucking tv star. Someone can't line the boy up up right?
Um, as much as I love Stacey Dash, her rack is definitely not her best feature as is eveidenced by her nude scenes in Illegal In Blue. Damn it Posted: 9/8/2006by: Christine You win again!!! I'll never be that good. Posted: 9/8/2006by: Joe Kickass No you're stupid. Joe Posted: 9/8/2006by: Christine I'm not the one in law school, asshole.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
Three Ears for well-rounded but average...like a white girl's ass
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Also known as the house that HBO built. The night houses such greats as "Deadwood", "Entourage", "Curb Your Enthusiasm", "Lucky Louie" and "The Sopranos", which will return early in January. But this fall it is home to one of the best shows on TV, "The Wire". Any show where the procedural crime scene investigation can reconstruct a murder only using the word fuck and its many classic variations will always be one of the best programs around. This season the Barksdales have faded but young thug Marlo is ready to step up to the challenge at the same time the real thugs in pin stripe suits are jockeying for the mayors chair at city hall. Who knows where this season will end but after the three most consistent seasons of television since the Dick Sargent era of "Bewitched", "The Wire" is guaranteed to please. HBO's other novel idea this fall is to actually premier first run hollywood movies on sunday night. What a novel idea. A movie station actually showing movies is kind of like if MTV started showing videos again. Genius programming move!
This night is turning into a Tivo-tastrophe for me. I said it in 
Now we get back to programming that you would typically expect from the networks; 6 procedural dramas, a reality dance show with B-celebrities, a medical drama, a couple of programs for girls on the CW, a remake of a mediocre movie as a TV show, and some sitcoms that ABC will have probably canceled before you even read this. Amazing that without a CSI anywhere in sight on Tuesday night you still get several forms of the crime procedure drama with "The Unit", "Standoff", "Boston Legal", "NCIS", and two "Law and Orders". I get it already! Theres a crime. Theres a way to solve this crime. But only after we witness the procedure of solving a crime and deal with so many twists that the guy we thought did it in the first place has been proven innocent twice and is now guilty again. Great. Now Ill never have to read another Nancy Drew book. 
