Hey folks, welcome to Fuddruckers where fun and flavor go hand in hand. My name is Mike and Ill be your server this evening. Im 27 years old and Im by no means proud of where I am at this point in life. I have a bachelors degree in communications, which I suppose Ill now utilize to let you know about tonights specials.
We have the broiled sea bass which is served with white parsley or cheddar mashed potatoes, your choice, or the southwest city chicken which is all white meat rolled in egg yolks, bread crumbs and seasonings then pan fried to a golden brown and served on a kabob.
Youll notice that Im not making eye contact with either of you right now due to the fact that Im ashamed of my lowly and subservient profession and Im scared of seeing my own reflection in your eyes, thereby catching a horrific glance of what my life really is.
Our featured appetizer tonight is the ultimate nacho platter, which is our hearth-baked tortilla chips with chunky garden salsa, sour cream, black olives and three types of cheeses. Or, if youre feeling a little more adventurous, were also offering our cajun crawdad tails which are tossed in a spicy creole sauce and then served over brown rice.
I apologize if Im not fully masking my contempt for the two of you, but as you can imagine, Im having a pretty difficult time with the fact that its my job to bring you food and clear your plates, despite the fact that youre both obviously younger than I am and that Im most likely more intelligent.
Douchebag Kids Who Want Refills
Can I tempt either of you into starting off with one of our famous Fuddruckers Frozen Drink Experiences? My personal favorite is the deliciously decadent Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Martini which is the perfect combination of Baileys Irish Cream, Amaretto, and milk with just a hint of Butterscotch Schnapps. Or perhaps youd prefer one of our signature oversized Key Lime Pie Mega-ritas. Just one sip and youll be whisked away to a tropical paradise without ever leaving your booth.
Speaking of alcohol, drinking has been my one salvation as of late. But it seems like it takes more and more of it each night to distract me from the horrors of my everyday life, such as the knowledge of my unrealized potential and the vast sense of nothingness that consumes my soul.
Okay, Im going to let you two mull over the menus there, I know its a bit overwhelming, and Im gonna go grab you a couple of waters and a basket of our world-famous breadsticks. Then Ill be back in two shakes of a lambs tail. And, if Im not that probably means that I finally worked up the courage to impale myself on something sharp back in the kitchen because death seemed like a favorable alternative to going on with this pointless, sad existence, and of course, if thats the case, then Ill just see you both in hell.
whore Posted: 12/20/2005by: brocktontandem fuck you roxy you whore serving Posted: 8/26/2005by: iggs like many of you, i too served while going to school. i have to say, even though i absolutely hated serving, probably because i was really bad at it, i think it's something everyone should do at least once. it's a humbling experience and in a society where we TAKE everything for granted, it's not a bad thing to GIVE back once in a while. hey Ryan, don't worry about the country club fucks. you work there to make a living. the things they say don't mean dick. i've found that rich people are the loneliest people in the world. the surround themselves with cars, homes, trophy wives/husbands, and socialite 'friends.' at the end of the day, all they have left is a glass or ten of scotch while thinking about the good times with REAL friends. you probably have at least 3 people in your life that will bail you out of jail at any hour of the night within 30 minutes of you being there. i seriously doubt this kind of friendship ever enters the life of a country club snob. Being a waiter sucks balls at corporate locations Posted: 4/23/2005by: Ryan and i can relate. I work in a very rich CC golf course bag room. During the summer, we get no rest because we're absolutely blitzed with all these guys wanting to golf on beautiful days. By the end of my shifts I'm gonna be tired but shit that is what I get paid for(Having to get there at 6:45 in the morning doesnt help). However, noone will piss you off more than rich people just eyeing you with non-stop contempt and publicly spouting off about how piss-poor of a job you're doing even if your boss constantly tells you you're the best employee on staff. Fucking last year I was told to never wear my Red Sox hat again or else this member, a Yankees fan, would get me fired by saying he saw me smoking joints before even though I never had. He capped off the experience by saying I was a disgusting fatbody, which is true but not needed. Couple that with hearing about all the trouble these people are having buying their third house in Malibu, CA or Boca Raton, Fla or how cold they are on a day that reaches 88 degrees and you really wonder why you still work there. Maybe You're Perceived as a Zero Posted: 4/15/2005by: Tom A because you are.
As for Roxy Hater, don't hate Roxy. She shouldn't have to wait 5 minutes for that Arnie Palmer, and if she ordered a baker, she should get a baker.
But I can relate - I, too, worked my way through high school, college, and law school in the restaurant biz. It always helped to remind myself that although I had to deal with a particular a-hole at a particular time, when that time was over, that a-hole would still be an a-hole. S/he has to live with that all his/her life - me, just for about an hour. And yeah, even though I didn't go there, the a-hole probably ended up eating and drinking a lot of stuff with snot in it.
Instant snot karma is a bitch. Changing my behavior Posted: 4/12/2005by: RC Wow...I usually tip 20% or more and treat the wait-staff with respect, as people doing a hard job usually on their way to bigger and better things. Now I think I'm probably tipping someone who is spitting in my food and has less respect for me (for the audacity of desiring to do trade with their establishment) than I do of them (overlooking the obvious fact that being a waiter past age 25 means you made some really piss-poor life choices).
I think I'll start tipping based on my perception of the waiter or waitresses' perception of me as a customer. That'll come out to, ohhhhhhh, zero percent of the bill? No eye contact Posted: 4/8/2005by: No eye contact Mike, Mike, Mike...wait until you are older and then you can bitch. I love douche bag kids and their refills. It is amazing to me that in your job you cannot learn to love America's youth and the parents that allow them to treat you like shit. I am personally inspired to be a restaraunt whore waiting on guys with striped shirts before they go out and drink Jaegerbombs. They treat me with the utmost respect and make me believe in the human race. Please learn to love your job...it's important! Flare Posted: 4/8/2005by: Stan Mike, we need to talk about your flare. We don't require you to wear more than 15 pieces of flare, but we want to express yourself, and if that means going oiver the minimum amount of flare, than that would be O.K. work Posted: 4/5/2005by: Hey Guys I am reading this at work, maybe I'll get fired for wasting company time and end up with a job at Fuddruckers. Striped Shirts forever. your pain is felt Posted: 4/4/2005by: ex burger slave & I thought wendy's was bad... "these fries are cold make some more" "i wanted that plain i thought i told you" "i did want cheese! you just didn't ask so i assumed" "ooo I just need 10 combos to go and I'm in a hurry dammit!" and so on... I Hate People Like Roxy Posted: 4/1/2005by: Roxy Hater I am an account executive but I always say I was a professional waitress in a past life. I have seen it all. Starting in High School in a local town tavern waiting on the town drunks and the assholes I went to school with. Then in college at a country club waiting on a bunch of rich snobs who get drunk every night and practically shit on you while you serve them. Then in LA while I was "working" an unpaid internship I catered all different kinds of events. It all sucks. But nothing is worse in any of those situations than some fucking asshole who asks for something every fucking second like Roxy there. And when you come back to the table to bring them what they asked for they ask for something else, "Oh and can I get some relish?" then you come back with the relish and now they want a refill on their drink. Then they want some other fucking thing, like more ice for the refill you just brought them.
For God Sakes, ask for everything all at once. Don't make me come back here and look at your ugly face any more than I have to you fucking cunt.
