Tom Cruise gave you Top Gun, Cocktail, and Jerry Maguire. Now all he asks in return is your soul in his quest for world domination. Whoa there! How did we get from jumping around like a jackass on Oprahs couch to the Emperor of Earth? Isnt it clear? This man is pushing an agenda and we are all just willing little pawns in his game. First he gets into a spat with Brooke Shields over anti-depressants. And what better person to get into it with then someone the people are against. The woman who took down Agassi and subjected us to "Suddenly Susan" is an easy mark.
Whats that you say, Tom? We shouldnt use Prozac? Wherever will we turn to deal with our depression? Apparently psychiatry is a lot like voodoo? Perhaps Scientology is the answer?
Then he moves to being in love with Katie Holmes. So youve got the girl that all the ladies think is this wonderful pure little virgin from Dawsons Creek who just so happens to be the girl that can lead men around by her nipples. (You have seen Batman, right?)
Whats that Katie? You were a good little Catholic girl and now youre interested in Scientology?
Getting her to marry him has to be part of his master plan. And doing it in France, the French may have abdicated all power to Tom already. Toms taken the girl next door and gotten her on board. Who are we to question? He wants to pull a War of the Worlds on you and I. Only instead of giant Martian spaceships and laser beams hes going to smack us upside the head with a little L. Ron Hubbard.
Perhaps all those Free Katie folks arent the nut job conspiracy theorists they are made out to be. Maybe the folks with the squirting microphone are on to him also. Our own Nelson Mandelas rotting in jail for the fight against Tom. Rumors of Rage Against the Machine getting back together for an anti-Tom album have started. How do we continue what theyve started and keep Maverick from taking over the world?
A child shall lead them. And that childs name is Matt Lauer. Matt has begun showing us the way to thwart our would-be enslaver. Get under his skin talking about Ritalin. Toms not so calm and collected when confronted about that, is he? You arent so sure about showing Tom the money now, are you? Who would have thought ADD may save the human race in this war to end all wars. (Not that anyone with ADD read this far.)
True Dat Posted: 7/20/2005by: Jus Ben has really hit the nail on the head with his comments. At least the part where I realize Tom Cruise fans really are insane. I just hope Ben is smart enough to take something for his psychosis.
Buddha and those sick of Cruise stories - This article actually came in the day after the Matt Lauer interview. We liked it then and wanted it to run but we didn't want to overkill Cruise that week since both Napalm's reviews and another column had lots of stuff on Cruise that week. So please don't blame this articles timing on the writer. The Phat Phree isn't 70 writers in one room deciding who's gonna cover what, so sadly some things get repeated. I personally liked the stuff about France in this piece that has not been used by other writers. At least we didn't "LENO" it and crack jokes about it everyday for 3 weeks straight. It was mentioned in one article before War Of The Worlds, in the review of War Of The Worlds, and now this article.
I am taking the suggestion and currently watching Corey Haim rip Nicole Eggert's bikini bottom off and slam her against the wall, and practicing my backwards under the leg bounce of the driveway crack HORSE shot as well in hopes of helping us regain the mojo buddha so deeply craves. Not because I give two shits what buddha thinks, but mostly because I like basketball that doesn't involve running and I like touching myself. If you look at all the site additions and things like the top 50 list this week, you will know that no one around here is on vacation. If Cruise is old news for you read the Fake News today that is really good. And rest assured that we'll be leaving Cruise alone for quite sometime. (As long as he leaves us the fuck alone for a while too!)
Justin Harvey Contributing Editor . Posted: 7/20/2005by: bryan L. Ron Jr. being Mr Cruise of course. um, no Posted: 7/20/2005by: bryan Dearest Ben,
Your first two "facts" are matters of opinion. You're last "fact" is an assumption. I believe you are confusing the word fact with the word fuct, which is exactly what I thought of War of the Worlds AND L. Ron Jr. fact Posted: 7/20/2005by: ben fact- he makes good movies fact- article boring and old news fact-you dished out 11 bucks to see war of the worlds and liked it Since when did the Phat Phree... Posted: 7/20/2005by: The Buddha Just completely bury its standards? It's almost as if the Phree is on some sort of summer vacation, but insted of going to Ibiza or Negril they decided to high tail it to Daytona or South Padre with their useless moronic buddy NJGuido.com in tow. In the past two weeks, the crew of Captains of the Obvious that supposedly call themselves a writing staff have brought to light these shocking reveleations:
Tom Cruise is Crazy Girls Don't Like Giving Head Detroit is Fucked Up Stiller, The Brothers Wilson, Double Down and Steve Butabi like making movies with each other Stupid People like Dave Concerts Luda hates The Factor The Phat Phree Sucks
Okay, I added in the last one. But what happened to the biting satire, irony and just pure HATE that used to reign supreme and made this site a go-to on par with Jager Shots, Tex Dogs from the Hubba Hubba, the over the backboard HORSE shot and Blown Away starring Corey*2 and Nicole Eggert?
Please come back, Phat Phree. We miss thee!
nice scoop Posted: 7/20/2005by: Jack Dude you totally scooped everyone with this sweet Tom Cruise story! The guy is nuts! Who knew??? Viva La France Posted: 7/20/2005by: J Besides, the city government of Paris has already decreed that they will never welcome Tom Cruise into their city again. So the French are pretty ahead of us in THAT respect. He still has free range of motion in this country. I think we should tether him to LA. Boo Posted: 7/20/2005by: matt This article was just aweful! It wasn't even funny, it just Cliif Noted the last 2 months of Tom "Don't Ever Fucking Disagree With Me" Cruise. I rather be subject to a non-stop showing of Vanilla Sky then this garbage. Nice job Ryan D., next time take the cock out of your mouth before typing. blah Posted: 7/20/2005by: bryan Tom is a grade A nut job. He follows a religion created by a guy who once said "`Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous, If a man really wanted to make a million dollars, the best way to do it would be start his own religion.' Writers of TPP take note.... aw yea Posted: 7/20/2005by: Allred I WANT THE TRUTH.....
Was tom abducted by aliens? I keep waiting for him to rip off that mask, like he does in Mission Impossible, and for these little green antennas to pop up...
