The Kansas City Chiefs are going to be good. Not kind of good, REALLY FUCKING GOOD! I said goddamn…Goddamn….GODDAMN Good! Mr. Lombardi, if you’d kindly go ahead and engrave your trophy with their name, that would help, ‘cause it’s already over.
How, you ask, can I go ahead and call it when the Chefs didn’t even make the playoffs last year? Great Googely Moogely! What? Do you want to hear some football analysis about how they had the number one offense in the NFL last year and look to continue their prolific ways? Do you want me to expound about how they have gone out and through some great draft picks and shrewd free agent signings they have filled the holes in their porous defense? Please feel free to tune into Chris “My Eyes are About to Explode Out of My Face” Mortenson and Sean “You do know I played in the NFL? Don’t you?” Salisbury for that crap. Heck you can even read The Phat Phree’s Scot Hofman give his take on the Chiefs in his AFC West preview. But I’m here to give you the real skinny.
How do we know they are going to be good? During this preseason the Chiefs started emulating one of the great NFL teams of our time. Not the Patriots. No, not that team full of “team players” that follow the team leader, Tom Brady, the “Golden Boy” QB that dates some actress you’ve never heard of who’s been in a bunch of movies you haven’t seen.
No we’re talking about a real NFL championship team, the Dallas Cowboys of the early 90’s. These guys did it right. They acted like a championship team needs to act. As a World Champion you have your god-given right to disregard the law. You are above it and above reproach. And boy howdy, that is how those Cowboys acted.
Do you know who I am?!?
Leon Lett got caught using drugs and was suspended for four games. So naturally he learned his lesson. The lesson being when you are the World Champions you go ahead and keep doing drugs. Who cares if you get suspended for a whole year’s worth of games after that? You are a champion. These guys had their own house they rented out, the “White House”, where they took hookers, or as Nate Newton said, “We’ve got a little place where we’re running some whores in and out.” Now that takes some balls to say. But if you’re a championship team that’s the way you roll.
Even the main man behind it all knew what was up. Michael Irvin gets arrested on his 30th birthday in a hotel room with two strippers, 10 grams of coke, an ounce of marijuana, and some sex toys (Not quite your typical Chuck E. Cheese party, is it?). And how does he respond when the cops show up? “Do you know who I am?” You’re gaddamn right they know you, Michael. You’re a champion, and you know how to act like it.
So what the shit does this have to do with the Kansas City Chiefs? Everything. Once a team goes and wins a championship you find every other owner and GM deciding that is the next great model for a Super Bowl ring. Baltimore does it with a killer D, everyone tries to find the next Ray Lewis. The Rams do it with their “Greatest Show on Turf” and folks run to try and find the next guy that’s been bagging groceries to fling it. So the Pats have won 3 out of 4 and what are the Chefs supposed to emulate? Who knows? They don’t have Drew Bledsoe to bench. These guys aren’t going to all of sudden become a bunch of BFF’s. So what are the Chiefs supposed to do? Well, they did the next best thing. Find the last great team and emulate them. The Dallas Cowboys won 3 out of 4 in the early 90’s. What was their secret? Thugs, it would appear. And Kansas City has come up with those in spades.
Are you talking to me?!?
Defensive Tackle Junior Siavii and Safety Greg Wesley get arrested for a drunken run-in with the cops in Minneapolis. Wesley had to be Maced to be brought under control. Siavii, not to be outdone, was so nuts the cops had to call in backup to restrain him and had to put a spit hood on him. Whenever the police report mentions some restraint you’ve never heard of, this means this guy wasn’t going quietly. A spit hood? This sounds like a courtesy item given to low budget porn stars. What the crap was Junior doing to require this?
Kicker, yep you read that correctly, kicker Lawrence Tynes was arrested for a bar fight where he punched some guy in the face and then broke some bouncer’s nose. Apparently the sign as you’re driving into River Falls, Wisconsin, where the Chiefs hold training camp, must say “Welcome to River Falls. Home of the world’s pussiest bouncers!”. Not to be outdone the QB’s decided to get into the act. Starter Trent Green and backup Todd Collins got into a melee at a bar. According to the police report, the two “were causing a problem inside the establishment ... and Collins had climbed up onto a speaker's box near the stage and refused to get down.” Those fellas like to PARTY! And Todd apparently likes to party so much that the only way he calmed down was when the cops threatened to Taser his ass. Tasering- one step down from a cop shooting you in the leg in order to slow you down and keep you alive for questioning.
So there you have it. The Chiefs have it all. Thugs on offense, defense, and special teams. You can do all the projected stats and do your theories about free agent acquisition while trying to figure out who is going all the way. But why bother? It’s all over. Chiefs all the way. Dick Vermeil balls his eyes out. Trent Green spends the 4th quarter of a Super Bowl blowout doing lines off some cheerleader’s ass preparing his MVP speech.
meh... Posted: 9/28/2005by: Matt fucking boring Too bad... Posted: 9/28/2005by: Mortimer Duke they just got reamed by Jake fucking Plummer. Good article premise though. the chefs Posted: 9/28/2005by: bob loblaw great googily moogly.......classic
nice read One thing you forgot Posted: 9/28/2005by: OldManWinters The Cowboys started getting in trouble (at least caught) AFTER they won the big game. The Chiefs are doing it before. BIG difference. Egh. . . Posted: 9/28/2005by: matt There was maybe some funny parts. This plan doesn't always work Posted: 9/28/2005by: Melted The Chiefs already tried this formula. Did we all forget the Chiefs of the late 90's? Bam Morris, Dale Carter, Andre Rison, Tamerick Vanover and Harvey Willams? Not to mention Nick Lowery who went on to slap around ball boys. They had a collection of felons and they still couldn't win a playoff game. also... Posted: 9/28/2005by: Pants Magician Although Lawrence Tynes is indeed a kicker it must be noted that he is also Scottish. Like brown hair and eye color, a Scotch lineage will always be the dominant factor, completely independent of occupation or position. An infant Scot will learn to snap a nosebone before he learns to walk - it's science...Let Seabass Janikowski be the evidence of one's heritage trumping the "weak kicker" tradition (aside from peddling GHB and setting BAC records, a buddy of mine that went to FSU with him said that on the rare occasion that he showed up to class, it would be with a 12 pack in tow, which he would almost immediately down and pass out for the remainder of the period. One thing you can never blame the Polish for is being too sober)...with these two badasses and David Akers' sack-o-plenty stumbling around society, the Pussy Kicker assumption is dying quicker than a newborn in a prom night gymnasium's ladies room. notes Posted: 9/28/2005by: Pants Magician Larry Johnson grabbed his significant other by the arm and shoved her. She was barely bruised but her bloody galfriends informed anyway (somehow I feel Dr. Phil/Oprah should be held accountable if this goes to trial)...my girlfriend and I call this alleged domestic abuse nothing more than a Tuesday night out about town...Scott, yes, he is kidding, thanks for ruining all our lives...If your closing two sentences come to fruition, Dick Vermeil will be bawling and Trent Green will be balling...STEVE, I have a third party account of the biggest, blackest dick belonging to Robert Parrish, described as being almost identical to the pull-down rope used on lat machines (graphic enough for ya?)...googley moogley indeed! hahahaha Posted: 9/28/2005by: fatwah "Reuben Sierra dick;" that's the funniest thing on this page right now.... SUCK Posted: 9/28/2005by: STEVE The author and the Chiefs suck dick. And I'm talking big black dick...like Ruben Sierra dick. I bet the fuckin Chiefs(+3) on Monday and lost my third sucker bet in three weeks following week one's San Fran beat down on the Rams(-6), and last week's Atlanta(+1) playing only the second half of the game against the Seahawks. I'm down pretty big to my bookie right now, and it looks like I'm gonna have to pay him off with blow jobs in the shower like I did last year. Fuck the Chiefs.
