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Has anyone in the history of wiping ass ever used just one square of toilet paper? Don’t get me wrong; I’m a pretty manly guy. When I’m camped out in the jungle I’ll use a palm leaf, a pinecone, or the butt of a rifle to wipe my ass if necessary. But when I am back in civilized company I use TP just like the next guy. I just don’t get who’s bright fucking idea it was to separate that shit into three-inch squares. Even on the rare occasion that I am using the really good stuff and not my regular fistful of blue Scott Tissue, I cannot think of a single time when there was ample paper available on the roll that I used less than at least five squares. I mean, anything less and you are seriously risking getting the wrong kind of stinkfist. Even with a working sink and some Lava, poop on the fingers is something that should be reserved to German Scheiße films.
Of course, like anyone else I have had those rare moments after one of those bowl-dripping ass-blast sessions where the TP has come up short and I’ve had to try to scrape the runny extra fecal matter from my sticky cheeks by using the toilet paper roll itself as a scoop; and sure those times usually lead to getting some of the Hershey squirts on the wrist, palm or fingers; but honestly, who wouldn’t avoid that if they could? And it just doesn’t make good business sense. Sure, the movie theater bathroom benefits from 3x3 squares and those dispensers where you can only pull two squares at a time, but don’t the TP manufacturers want to sell more of that shit? I propose the standard size for a leaf of TP be changed to 3x15” to ensure that next time I shake Governor Schwarzenegger’s hand in a public restroom I do not get a little brown, smashed chunk of corn transferred from him to me because of inadequate square size.
Now that I think about it though, maybe he was in that john giving himself a dirty Sanchez, but that’s beside the point. The three-inch squares should be reserved for the end of the roll only, when you are really trying to get more wipe for your buck; other than that, let’s all get real about this important issue of tissue. Ten Hut! Forward March to the reviews!
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! – Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby – Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass – Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch – One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. – An added testicle for shit that is in between.
I know many people have said this before so I’m not gonna dwell on it, but Tom Cruise is a fucking idiot. Don’t get me wrong, though. The reason websites like this one devote so much time to his sorry ass is because we secretly love him. There is a reason why Days of Thunder actually made money. Would I sit around the bar at lunchtime and watch televised billiards on the Deuce if it weren’t for The Color of Money? Would I still manually eject my swimmers to Lea Thompson, Rebecca De Mornay, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, or Kelly McGillis if Cruise hadn’t introduced me to their finer points (though I really have to give credit for the last one to Harrison “Hand Solo” Ford in Witness)?
But Jesus fuck me with a Bible, please do not ever tell psycho chicks like Brooke Shields to stay off the meds. We all know Tom is secretly gayer than a Bag O’ Dicks, but what kind of sadistic prick would do that? Now that Katie Holmes's vagina is ruined from popping Cruise’s artificially inseminated demon seed out of her dusty coin slot, we’ll see if he sticks to his guns when she is driving his diminutive ass up a wall. Maybe Tom has the power to get away from a crazy bitch that is not getting any attention after having just passed a cantaloupe through a ketchup bottle sized hole, but the rest of us actually have to deal with that psycho shit. Look, the simple fact of the matter is, the guy has an impact, so he should be careful. We know he’s a fucking moron, but we’ll put up with Minority Report for a Collateral. I’ll suffer through a Cocktail to get to Rain Man. For every Interview With a Vampire & Far and Away there’s an A Few Good Men and The Firm. But as his list of good movies illustrates, Cruise is sweet when he has awesome co-stars and shitty when left to face the villainous Matt Lauer or Oprah Winfrey with his own devices.
MI3 is no exception. Without Phillip Seymour “Butts” Hoffman lending this action-packed thriller some credibility, this movie might have sucked too. Ving “Your Ass Goes Down In The Fifth” Rhames also makes his third MI appearance, but unless he is going to revoke Cruise’s LA privileges, he is nothing compared to Hoffman’s creepy arms-dealing persona. Of course, Kari Russell and Billy Crudup stink up the screen worse than a backstage patchouli party at a Phish concert, but I can still honestly say, regardless of the potential to suck, this movie kicks off the summer of super hero tentpoles and overhyped schlock the right way. "Lost" and "Alias" creator JJ Abrams, the new captain of the Star Trek franchise, manages to forget everything he learned from his "Felicity" and Armageddon days and instead only pull from the personalized background stories that make "Lost" work and combine them with the bait-and-switch techno hijinks from "Alias", which were obviously based on the original "Mission Impossible" show in the first place. Of course, what he didn’t forget was to once again cast his buddy Greg Grunberg with a part. I can’t wait to see that guy as a Ferengi.
Somehow Abrams makes Tomkat seem like a more real and less ridiculous person as he jumps from building to building with Spiderman like acrobatics and navigates a bridge that is blowing up under his feet with ease than his actual real-life persona. But in the end that’s why you go to the movies. We all have this sick need to actually connect with the guy that can take down a fighter jet with a few bullets from an automatic rifle or MacGuyver his way past a high-tech security system. For some reason, we actually want to know what motivates Ethan Hunt to put on a plastic version of the villain's face and what the tension means when he has to cough his way through a scene until the voice simulator kicks in. That’s high drama! So without a doubt I’m sold. Or at least I’ve been bought. I knew I shouldn’t have read "Dianetics" before seeing this movie. Cruise’s personality may only get a half a bloody testicle from me, but crafty storytelling and awesome explosions and effects truly make this the first big movie of the year to see, so let the severed ears fly. Besides, Cruise had me at hello with Born on the Fourth of July anyway.
Man I remember trying to count the freckles on Sissy Spacek’s naked body as she was wrangled like cattle by Gene Hackman in Prime Cut. Boy those days are sure gone. These days she looks more like that extra hamburger patty you left sitting in the grease after cooking some triple-thick homeburgers. But I guess having Carrie in what could loosely be called a horror movie still lends the flick some credibility. Of course, so does Donald Sutherland. But these days I find him far more entertainingly sinister and creepy with his bad guy turn as the Speaker Of The House on "Commander In Queif". He’s certainly come a long way from pot-smoking professor in Animal House. But the veteran talents of Spacek and Jack Bauer’s dad still can’t save this back and forth in time ghost story. After seeing Saw and Hostel, big daddy Kane’s See No Evil has a better chance of getting audiences squirming than some throwback psychological scares.
Until you’ve cut off someone’s dangling eyeball or put their head in a bear trap, you’re just not going to be able to convince a modern audience to be scared. Sure, every now and then you get a movie like The Mothman Prophecies where the theory itself is frightening or The Blair Witch Project where the cheap style made the lack of action scary, but if you are shooting for standard horror movie fare, then you better come correct with the blood and guts and not some eighteenth-century ghost story nonsense. I put this movie on my list of things to do right after watching The Best of SNL 1997-2001.
What the fuck happened to Luke Wilson? I mean, he’s not a bad actor, and he certainly got the better half of the gene pool in the Wilson nose department, but barring his one classic performance on that campy vampire episode of "X-Files", Luke Wilson has gone down faster than Paris Hilton in front of a video camera ever since Home Fries. Hoot, however, may be an all time low for anyone. Bottle Rocket may have been one of the best small films ever made, but that’s not enough to give any actor a pass for playing a bumbling cop in a movie about saving a fucking owl! Hey Luke, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? None, because you are too busy choking on the owl’s fucking cock!
I know that, thanks to Hairy Pooper and the Chronicles of Yawnia, adaptations of popular kids books are all the rage in Hollywood, but kids aren’t stupid! Just because some librarian convinced the soccer moms of America to force their kids to read Hoot doesn’t mean they give a hoot about seeing the movie version. Kids love titties, violence and effects as much as the rest of us. Teenage boys didn’t go see Narnia because of the subliminal Christian message. They want to imagine grabbing a sword and killing some mythical beast so they can get laid. They love Harry Potter because he has super powers and Hermoine is starting to sprout. The ultimate family film to this day is still Clash of the Titans. Half-naked chicks, flying horses, and beheaded Gorgon. That’s what the fuck kids want to see, not Luke Wilson acting like Ned Beatty in the first Superman trying to save some fucking owls in Florida. Shit, Michael Madsen was better in Free Willy. Did I mention that Jimmy Buffet produced this film? That's right, getting wasted in Margaritaville for 30 years certainly qualifies the king of parrot heads to entertain my children. I quit.
He’s tough, he rocks a natural and he’s black, so of course his name is Jackson. And like every other hardnosed eighties cop (Robocop, Beverly Hills Cop) he works the mean streets of Detroit City, where apparently crime is just a little worse than the rest of the world and must be dealt with by blowing things up. Former Oakland Raider Carl Weathers was the perfect choice to be the quintessential black hero of action for two reasons, A.) his powerful Tom Selleck-like mustache and B.) Apollo Creed whupped Rocky’s ass in the first movie. In fact, he humiliated the Italian Stallion so bad that they eventually had to kill his ass off in Rocky (needs an) IV. So after matching wits with the Gubenator in Predator, Weathers was given the role of a lifetime, Sgt Jericho “Action” Jackson.
But whom could he fight? Who would be a credible opponent for the man who beat Rocky like a Cinco de Mayo piñata? The answer is, of course, Coach! That’s right. Craig T. Nelson is not only a sharp silver-haired automotive billionaire fashioned after John DeLorean, but he is also a mobbed-up, drug-pushing sleazoid. Of course that is not nearly bad enough, though. So our villain, Coach, is also a Kung Fu Master who is so bad-ass that not only does he lay the smack down on his sparring partner, but when his trainer extends a hand to be lifted from the mat, Coach breaks his wrist! Oh, the horror.
Of course he has a legion of bumbling baddie-bads at his disposal for Action Jackson to mercilessly dispatch. Most notably featured is the fu-manchued ultimate henchman Al Leong, whose turn as Hachet Wielding Wing Kong Baddie #3 in Big Trouble in Little China and Asian Revolutionary #5 in the Roddy Piper classic They Live, along with his numerous TV appearances in "The Fall Guy", "MacGuyver", "TJ Hooker", "Hart To Hart", and the "The A-Team" have made him the go-to guy for briefly menacing failed action moments that ultimately lead to his boss's demise.
But wait, there’s more. Still don’t think Action Jackson is one of the all-time greatest movies ever? What if I told you, for the same price of admission I’d throw in a young, post-Allan Quatermain but pre-Total Recall Sharon Stone? Nothing says classic 80’s action like a random shower scene accompanied by blaring city sax. In fact, Stone's two breast-and-a butt cheek performance was so good that she is now featured on the DVD cover art instead of the original poster which featured Craig T. Nelson. Still not enough? Well just for the true fans I’ll through in some Vanity. You didn’t really think they’d let Apollo Creed get the white girl, did you? Isn’t it enough that he’s the hero? Given, her two songs in the movie epitomize everything that was bad about mid-eighties pop, but regardless of the fact that she of course plays a heroin addicted slut because she is the black chick, Prince’s ex gives us what The Last Dragon is ultimately lacking, some nice long shots of her malleable mocha mounds. “Sho Nuff!”
Just to ensure all-time classic status, they even threw in Bill “You Know You Done Fucked Up, Right” Duke, Robert “Pock Marks Make Me Sexy” Davi and that Argyle kid from Die Hard as Jackson’s cohorts. I don’t know about you, but when I’m looking for a fun Friday night at home with some microwave popcorn and a suitcase of Pabst, nothing says a good time like the triple threat of Action Jackson, Cobra, and the Jesse Ventura classic Abraxas.
First off, stop singing through your goddamned teeth. Open your mouth and enunciate, you overly serious, pretentious, mumbly sum biatch!
Before I tell you why Eddie Vedder and this week’s batch of miscreants known as Pearl Jam are more worthy of a pearl necklace in the eye than any kudos from me, let me at least say that it seems like Vedder has found some of the fire and fervor that resounded in early classics like "Black" and "Alive". Sadly, their subject matter has shifted and the white-rock equivalent of Mushmouth seems to think someone out there gives a flying fuck about his take on the geo-political climate of the world. Dude, we get it. You’re a pussy. You hate war. You hate conflict. No one should ever have to fight or die for what they believe in. Tony Blair is Bush’s bitch. Africa is all fucked up. And every single person around the world is dying for all the wrong reasons. I got it.
I can read a paper, write a blog, and wax political at the local Starbucks with the best of ‘em too. I, however, am just smart enough not to. But thanks for not just focusing on the global crises with tunes like “World Wide Suicide” and “Army Reserve”, but bringing it back home with classics like “Umemployable” and the oh-so happy divorce and death rocker “Come Back”. I thought My Chemical Romance were a bunch of whining morbid fucks, but you make the “Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me” days of Robert Smith seem like an afternoon of collecting Skee Ball tickets at the local Chuck E Cheese so you can have spent 40 dollars on thirty cents worth of fuzzy-haired troll doll. The music on this album is the best effort put forth by these last bastions of grunge since Vitalogy, and it really does seem like Eddie finally got his heart back in to it.
But seriously, even draft-dodging anti-war pussies do not want to hear this vapid fuck spit through his teeth about the woes of the world; that’s like taking self help advice from Robert Downey Jr., or dating tips from Charlie Sheen. But since most of Vedder’s mumbled lyrics are about as intelligible as a Paula Abdul critique, I guess it doesn’t really matter. I buy in to the music, but I refuse to buy into the bullshit.
1. Now that summer movie season has officially started, I can finally feel comfortable talking about the aptly named Snakes On A Plane. In case you’ve been under a rock or haven’t quite learned how to use Al Gore’s Internet yet (by the way he looks like the bad guy from Phantasm on the cover of the latest issue of Wired), Snakes on a plane is the story of Sam Jackson dealing with, well, a plane full of snakes. Why is it destined to be the best movie of the summer? Because when New Line execs saw the PG-13 rough cut they immediately asked for an R-rated re-shoot to add more blood & guts, more mile-high nudity and more of Sam Jackson dropping the f-bomb. “Ya’ll mutha fuckers better get these mutha fucking snakes off this mutha fucking plane!” Which got me thinking about all of those classic Sam Jackson moments. So, what is your favorite Samuel L Jackson moment? If you say anything about Changing Lanes, I will pin your ears back with a staple gun.
2. Surprised that Michael shot Angry Lucia and Titus’ girlfriend last night? I’m not, since this episode was filmed right around the time both chicks got arrested for drunk driving. But the real question is are they "Lost" forever like Paris on American Idol or will they be revived in true sci-fi Search For Spock style?
3. Holy “shoot”! The WWE actually let Joey Styles rip the cartoony bullshit nature of RAW in his “I quit” speech in an attempt to hype the upcoming rebirth of the now McMahon controlled version of ECW. Do you think the WWE can get ECW right, or will the new version pale in comparison to the old classic ECW days of smelly beer halls, New Jack balcony dives and nipple flashing catfights? “Watching Grunge leg drop New Jack through a press table.” God, even Weezer loved old ECW.
Feel free to comment on one, some, or all of these, or just lambast JPM for his adamant disapproval of monikers, hyphens, kudos, and common sense.
WWE will totally screw the pooch with the new ECW and michelle rodriguez will be back or I will cry like a ten year old boy being spanked with his Cub Scout masters penis. Can I say penis on this website?
Tom Mc
Action Jackson
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Posted: 5/5/2006 1:15:01 AM
I think I was about 9 when that movie came out and I was half way through it when my mom saw me watching it and turned it off because it had too much violence and nudity. This was just another in a long line of movies/shows that were inappropriate for a child. Back to school? Too racy. Eddie Murphy's "Raw"? Nope, got in trouble for convincing my cousin to rent that from the video store. Fucking parents. But it's alright for my brother to play Grand Theft Auto and fuck hookers, and download porn from Limewire. Wait, I do that too. My point is when we were kids what was considered bad then is a joke compared to what kids do/watch/play now.
As far as Sam Jackson, I was watching Jackie Brown (average) but there was the scene where he tells Robert DeNiro he needs his help. He opens up the trunk and there's a dead Chris Tucker in it.
Louis (DeNiro): Who's that? Ordell Robbie (Jackson): That's Beaumont. Louis: Who's Beaumont? Ordell Robbie: An employee I had to let go.
Yeah it's not from Pulp Fiction but everyone knows those Samuel Jackson lines
Tom Mc
that may not have come out correctly
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Posted: 5/5/2006 1:20:11 AM
I meant fuck hookers in the game, not in real life. He's only 16. Give him 2 years.
Napalm
Ummm
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Posted: 5/5/2006 1:25:22 AM
K-Pax did you read the article? I'm pretty sure you can get away with penis, or cock, dick, mushroom tip, Vader Rod, bannana man, one eyed driller or any other variation you can imagine. That's kinda how we roll around here.
Tom - just let me know when your little bro is ready to step up to the plate. We can start him off easy with the happy ending at the massage parlor, then work him up to some nice, but expensive, college call girls up in windsor, and before you know it we'll having him blowing Divine Brown out on La Brea and Santa Monica. GTA will will feel like Miss Molly calling out his name on Romper Room after I'm finished with him. So just let me know.
MisterOrange
Not one of his best, but hey...
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Posted: 5/5/2006 6:31:50 AM
Sam Jackson in 51st State (as Elmo Mcelroy):
Elmo: [explaining his new drug to Durant] MDMA utilizes Serotonin. Opiates, like heroin, utilize dopamine. Sort of like the same sensation you get after sex. Amphetamines increase adrenaline. And cocaine gets those synapses in the brains firing really fast. My product is 51 times stronger than cocaine, 51 times more hallucinogenic than acid, and 51 times more explosive than ecstasy. It's like getting a personal visit... from God! Durant: It's that good?
and:
Elmo: What the fuck did they do to this fish? Batter it to death? Felix: Fish and chips, national dish mate. Elmo: More like a national disaster!
Kudos to imdb
deuce
well done.
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Posted: 5/5/2006 8:16:17 AM
if you have run out of options on the head and are wearing shoes, use one of your socks. not my proudest moment, but it got the job done and was the most comfortable ass-wiping in my life. (plus you can stick it to the stall wall when you are done to remind the lazy motherfuckers who service it to keep an extra roll in that bitch) great call on cruise's films..
i've never heard of "hoot" & i'd like to keep it that way.
carl weathers has the greatest caterpillar in all of hollywood. Q&A 1. As Col terry childers in "rules of engagement" - "Waste the motherfuckers!!!!" 2. don't care. i havent watched the show for 5 min this season since the 1st episode. 4. bring back rowdy roddy piper.
Bert
Kudos
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Posted: 5/5/2006 8:54:05 AM
Nice work. Liked the ending. Spot on with Cruise. He's a nut job but I enjoy almost all of his movies.
Samuel L Jackson moment, not his best, but I remember being shocked when a very skinny SLJ was woken up, told he was late, then got shot in the back of the head while getting dressed in "Goodfellas". Shocking to me because I just wasn't expecting it.
Milton
Napalm
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Posted: 5/5/2006 8:59:55 AM
once again you deliver brilliance. You are hands down the best writer on this site.
MisterOrange: It's Formula 51, not 51st State.
1) I'm still a fan of the Big Brain Brad scene in PF.
2) I was surprised until I realized that the episode was filmed during that time. Michael is going to start picking people off now? Looks like the show is picking up. Invasion too.
3) Haven't watched since the Rock N Roll Express days as a kid.
Happy Friday, kids. Off to the Wachovia.
Nate
Nice
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Posted: 5/5/2006 9:25:37 AM
It must be Friday, there are 2 seperate instances of a "Bag 'o' Dicks" referenced
1.) When he played Cowboy Curtis on PeeWee's, oh that was L. Fishburn, damn always get them confused. I was always partial to Sammy yelling at white guys, doesn't matter which movie; he does it in everyone. 2.) Very happy they killed Anna, I've never liked her in anything. Which is good, because she dies in almost all her movies. I'm pissed about Hurley not being able to get his cherry popped 3.) Don't know anything 'bout rasslin
Bert
worst Samuel L Jackson moment
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Posted: 5/5/2006 9:27:18 AM
when he lowered himself to host that shitty made up awards show--the ESPY's
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– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
– Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
– Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
– Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
– One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
– An added testicle for shit that is in between.
I know many people have said this before so I’m not gonna dwell on it, but Tom Cruise is a fucking idiot. Don’t get me wrong, though. The reason websites like this one devote so much time to his sorry ass is because we secretly love him. There is a reason why Days of Thunder actually made money. Would I sit around the bar at lunchtime and watch televised billiards on the Deuce if it weren’t for The Color of Money? Would I still manually eject my swimmers to Lea Thompson, Rebecca De Mornay, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, or Kelly McGillis if Cruise hadn’t introduced me to their finer points (though I really have to give credit for the last one to Harrison “Hand Solo” Ford in Witness)? 
Man I remember trying to count the freckles on Sissy Spacek’s naked body as she was wrangled like cattle by Gene Hackman in Prime Cut. Boy those days are sure gone. These days she looks more like that extra hamburger patty you left sitting in the grease after cooking some triple-thick homeburgers. But I guess having Carrie in what could loosely be called a horror movie still lends the flick some credibility. Of course, so does Donald Sutherland. But these days I find him far more entertainingly sinister and creepy with his bad guy turn as the Speaker Of The House on "Commander In Queif". He’s certainly come a long way from pot-smoking professor in Animal House. But the veteran talents of Spacek and Jack Bauer’s dad still can’t save this back and forth in time ghost story. After seeing Saw and Hostel, big daddy Kane’s See No Evil has a better chance of getting audiences squirming than some throwback psychological scares. 
What the fuck happened to Luke Wilson? I mean, he’s not a bad actor, and he certainly got the better half of the gene pool in the Wilson nose department, but barring his one classic performance on that campy vampire episode of "X-Files", Luke Wilson has gone down faster than Paris Hilton in front of a video camera ever since Home Fries. Hoot, however, may be an all time low for anyone. Bottle Rocket may have been one of the best small films ever made, but that’s not enough to give any actor a pass for playing a bumbling cop in a movie about saving a fucking owl! Hey Luke, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? None, because you are too busy choking on the owl’s fucking cock! 
He’s tough, he rocks a natural and he’s black, so of course his name is Jackson. And like every other hardnosed eighties cop (Robocop, Beverly Hills Cop) he works the mean streets of Detroit City, where apparently crime is just a little worse than the rest of the world and must be dealt with by blowing things up. Former Oakland Raider Carl Weathers was the perfect choice to be the quintessential black hero of action for two reasons, A.) his powerful Tom Selleck-like mustache and B.) Apollo Creed whupped Rocky’s ass in the first movie. In fact, he humiliated the Italian Stallion so bad that they eventually had to kill his ass off in Rocky (needs an) IV. So after matching wits with the Gubenator in Predator, Weathers was given the role of a lifetime, Sgt Jericho “Action” Jackson. 
First off, stop singing through your goddamned teeth. Open your mouth and enunciate, you overly serious, pretentious, mumbly sum biatch! 
Because when New Line execs saw the PG-13 rough cut they immediately asked for an R-rated re-shoot to add more blood & guts, more mile-high nudity and more of Sam Jackson dropping the f-bomb. “Ya’ll mutha fuckers better get these mutha fucking snakes off this mutha fucking plane!” Which got me thinking about all of those classic Sam Jackson moments. So, what is your favorite Samuel L Jackson moment? If you say anything about Changing Lanes, I will pin your ears back with a staple gun.
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