Why is it that there always seems to be a shortage of feminists in a disaster? When the levees broke during hurricane Katrina lots of people screamed racism but I didnt hear anyone screaming sexism. Im all for equal pay, equal rights, equal taxation and representation. I mean, I really do believe that women can do the same jobs as men. Sure Id be as worried as the next person about a female president PMSing with the keys to the nuclear football, but Im sure the country could work something out with Godiva chocolate to keep her satiated long enough to get through those heavy flow days.
So why is it that when a building is on fire or a ship is sinking the first thing anyone says is women and children first? Fuck that. Sure the kids can go since they are our future, but unless it is the end of civilization and the women are needed to procreate and keep the species alive then every adult should have the same opportunities. I agree the crew should go down in a blaze of glory. They were, afterall, the dumb fucks that drove into the fucking iceberg, but can we come up with a more democratic process after that? How bout we go by tax bracket. Who ever pays the most to the government gets to go first. Or how bout by IQ level. PhDs and masters degrees first. Fuck that lets save all the pretty people. Fat ugly people get to die so that Jared Leto and Scarlett Johanssons gene pools can survive. Seriously why should some 60 year old woman who is past menopause get to live? She was gonna die soon or not procreate anyway. Plus that way maybe it will give a gen-Xer a chance at actually receiving a little of their social security benefits one day. I highly recommend we come up with a way to solve this issue soon. Odds and Evens or Rock, Paper Scissors is fine by me or else you might find me in a disaster slitting the throats of helpless children with my Ka-bar knife in hopes of freeing up a seat on the raft for myself.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. An added testicle for shit that is in between.
John Cena is the what? I could believe it when he said he was the Prototype back in OVW. I mean there has to be a prototype for every new version of something and he certainly set a new standard for un-justly elevated jobbers. I could even believe it when they gave him the Vanilla Ice gimmick. I only wished they had used more of Ices real life story and had Umaga dangle him off the side of a building somewhere like what Suge Knight did to get part of the publishing on "Ice Ice Baby". But I guess thats out of the question now that "Entourage" parodied that little piece of history. I was even willing to accept the fact the Cena put spinners and bling on the title belt. That at least strikes me as something a stupid white boy would do so he could be down. Is there a reason why they still call them belts? I think King Booker is their only guy Ive actually seen where a title around his waist in the past ten years, though Ill admit to being a fan of Johnny Nitros phallic belt dangle in his recent IC title run. In the end I just cant see Cena as a fucking Marine. Maybe some cock chugging sailor, but Id rather go back to having Jim Neighbors as the Hollywood version of the Corps than this duck footed putz. Sure he had that paintball 'reality' show, "Manhunt" on the UPN where they chased each other around the jungle in Hawaii, but it turned out that even that show was more rigged than Don King promoted fight. The Dr. Of Thugonomics may have a PhD in bad acting, but I doubt he would know where to point an AR-15 if HHH had a bullseye painted on his tights. When someone told Cena he was going to Parris to train he thought he would be eating Croissants and Crepes not dragging a limp body through the obstacle course with live fire whizzing by overhead. I heard Cena was gassing after 36 minutes at Parris Island and he only did one day. Call me after 3 months of that shit and then maybe we can talk.
But I guess if Jamie Fox can fly a stealth fighter that John Cena can play a Marine in the movies, but hes still no Schwarzenegger or even Dolph Lungdren. In fact Im pretty sure his co-star and brother to Filters lead singer, Robert Patrick, could take him in a fight. Patrick is from Cleveland, and those North Coasters have plenty to be pissed about. Cenas home town has had winners in his lifetime with the Celtics, the Patriots and even the Sox. Cleveland however had a parade when the Cavs got ousted in the second round of the NBA playoffs. Shit, I know Clevelanders who actually had fake World Series hats made the year of the strike in speculation that they couldve won. I think the only Cleveland team to win it all in the past 30 years was the indoor soccer team the Force back in the 80s. People in that city have to be pissed. Shit this is the town that caught water on fire! How the fuck do you set water on fire? Beantown may have made the biggest pitcher of Nestea ever, but Cleveland actually burned a fucking river. And in my mind crazy wins the fight every time. Plus Patrick was the Terminator. Any dude who runs better than Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon and keeps his hands perfectly flat as if he were actually cutting through the wind is guaranteed bad ass. But of course Cena wins in the end because this shit is just as scripted as his current title run. I should have known there was no way that the most qualified combatant would actually prevail.
Sure Cena kicks a ton of ass and does 90% of his own stunts and the chick looks like the Hooters version of Cameron Diaz, but in the end this movie feels way more like a straight to video update of the Brian Bosworths Stone Cold than the next First Blood (AKA Rambo 1 the one where his knife was smaller than his torso).
Halloween is almost here and that can mean only one thing, its time for movies that were made for the price of a Starbucks coffee (a few million dollars) to gross obscene amounts at the box office. But unlike the amputated victims in the films these trends have no legs for a different reason. All entertainment is cyclical by nature and horror is no exception. In the mid nineties we had the tongue in cheek self aware horror movies like Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer revive a business that had been dead since Jason was last seen taking Manhattan. That led right to a chain of spoofs that were almost less tongue in cheek than the real horror movies with Scary Movie and eventually Broken Lizards Club Dread. For a while the genre was even propelled by staged reality horror with the overwhelming success of The Blair Witch Project. These days the trend is to spend as little money shooting a film as possible and as much time on screen torturing. So how in a market that is full of bear trap head clamps and severed Achilles tendons did yet another remake of a Japanese ghost story slip through the cracks? Weve already drowned Jennifer Connelly, and forced Naomi Watts to sit through a shitty VHS tape, is there anyone out there who could give a flying fuck about some ghostly Sarah Michelle Gellar stalker whose email address isnt willowh8tr@josswhedonrocks.com?
I have a grudge myself. Where the fuck is Ash and his boom stick? If horror goes in cycles cant the Evil Dead style be the next big thing. If you cross Army Of Darkness with Hostel I think it would be the next biggest thing at the box office. Im pretty sure theres not gonna be a "Brisco County" reunion anytime soon so Bruce Campbell should be available. And theres no way theyre gonna be able to afford to hire Tobey for another Spiderman which should free up Raimi to produce. Then we could bring in the guys who wrote Saw to do the script and let that faggot from Project Greenlight who did Feast direct. Heres how the story goes. Ash opens the booked of the damned and it transports him to Transylvania in 1985 where George Hamilton, I mean Dracula, has started a midnight Rock N Bowl. But his thirst for blood forces his vampire minions to have random sex with as many fake breasted European actresses as possible just because real horror movies should have gratuitous Caligula like sex to justify why everyone must die. Secretly the shoe attendant (Clint Howard) can charge people money on the internet to see peoples nuts get crushed in the ball return during the vampire orgies. Before Ash can give the Japanese exchange students some sugar in a bowling pin bukkake scene that cant be missed, he must first construct a chainsaw out of items from the claw game and air hockey table to destroy the nutless zombies that have been created and dispatch the Vampires with quippy one liners. But just as Ash is about to celebrate his victory by frosting Miekos brow she turns blue and creepy and crawls into a TV that is showing re-runs of Buffy The Vampire Slayer.
As you can probably tell The Grudge 2 sucked enough for me to spend my ninety minutes thinking of what would actually be a good horror movie. Ive had enough of creepy kids myself. No more little boys crouched in the corner like the just left the Neverland Daycare. No more Walt gurgling water. And someone please kill Dakota Fanning before she grows up enough for me to want to scrump her like the Olsen Twins, that shit just makes me want to turn myself in to "Dateline NBC's To Catch A Predator" tomorrow. The Japanese horror remake is over as far as Im concerned and I can only hope that we dont turn our attention to their action movies and start trying to remake shit like Battle Royal, though the trailer for 300 looks a lot like Casshern to me.
1. What is the best horror movie of all time? Its Alive and Basketcase are high on my list because babies are inherently evil.
2. Caption This
3. Thinking about all those great Clint Howard moments has me wondering; who is your favorite Hollywood sibling that you feel deserves their Charlie Murphy moment?
Hey Napalm! Posted: 10/17/2006by: Victor fuckin' French suck a fart outta my asshole you trick-ass bitch! goat teet Posted: 10/16/2006by: dear sweet baby jesus "Since I only have about 15 minutes left here and work is out of the question, can one of you young strapping men tell me the meanest thing a girl has ever said to you? I will be around a sort of ex tonight and would really like to make him cry. suggestions? please! belive me he deserves it. "? That may not be the meaniest thing I've ever heard from a girl, but it's definetly on my top ten most FUCKING RETARDED posts ever nice Posted: 10/16/2006by: vertigo well played again.
1. Suspiria. I'm usually not that into horror, but the director really is unique with the deaths and camera movements.
2. Don't fight the feeling bitch.
3. Maybe Jose Canseco's brother Ozzie. christine Posted: 10/16/2006by: pat Check out Mulgrew's site; he just did a post on the "worst thing a girl has said to a guy" topic. This is better than Journalism Class.... Posted: 10/16/2006by: Tom So I just read this instead of watching the movie "Shattered Glass" (which is about half a nut), and this is much more entertaining.
1. Well, "Army of Darkness" or "Dead Alive" (Braindead) are my two personal favorites. 2. "I can't give out the Mick Dick to everyone, baby!" 3. Angelina Jolie has a creepy brother who probably put it in her butt, so that would a hilarious story. DC Posted: 10/13/2006by: Christine He wouldn't get that and if I explained any of it, I would not be the victor. I would be a loser. Well Posted: 10/13/2006by: Christine Since no one seems to be around to answer, I think I'm gonna wait till he gets nice and drunk and then remind him of the last time we had sex and then tell him that it felt like was in my gyecologist's office. and then I'll say, "you're brother on the other hand...now there's a fine man indeed". His brother has slept over my house a few times. he'll believe that I did him (i didn't) and then I'll be victorious!!! Christine Posted: 10/13/2006by: dc Just tell him you wouldn't fuck him with Eugene's dick. Christine Posted: 10/13/2006by: dc Just tell him fucking Eugene is less disgusting the talking to him. Christine Posted: 10/13/2006by: Eugene Don't directly engage me please. Thanks.
There's nothing you could say to your ex that will wipe the permanent smile of his face that he acquired after having broken up with a miserable wench like you.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
John Cena is the what? I could believe it when he said he was the Prototype back in OVW. I mean there has to be a prototype for every new version of something and he certainly set a new standard for un-justly elevated jobbers. I could even believe it when they gave him the Vanilla Ice gimmick. I only wished they had used more of Ices real life story and had Umaga dangle him off the side of a building somewhere like what Suge Knight did to get part of the publishing on "Ice Ice Baby". But I guess thats out of the question now that "Entourage" parodied that little piece of history. I was even willing to accept the fact the Cena put spinners and bling on the title belt. That at least strikes me as something a stupid white boy would do so he could be down. Is there a reason why they still call them belts? I think King Booker is their only guy Ive actually seen where a title around his waist in the past ten years, though Ill admit to being a fan of Johnny Nitros phallic belt dangle in his recent IC title run. In the end I just cant see Cena as a fucking Marine. Maybe some cock chugging sailor, but Id rather go back to having Jim Neighbors as the Hollywood version of the Corps than this duck footed putz. Sure he had that paintball 'reality' show, "Manhunt" on the UPN where they chased each other around the jungle in Hawaii, but it turned out that even that show was more rigged than Don King promoted fight. The Dr. Of Thugonomics may have a PhD in bad acting, but I doubt he would know where to point an AR-15 if HHH had a bullseye painted on his tights. When someone told Cena he was going to Parris to train he thought he would be eating Croissants and Crepes not dragging a limp body through the obstacle course with live fire whizzing by overhead. I heard Cena was gassing after 36 minutes at Parris Island and he only did one day. Call me after 3 months of that shit and then maybe we can talk.
Halloween is almost here and that can mean only one thing, its time for movies that were made for the price of a Starbucks coffee (a few million dollars) to gross obscene amounts at the box office. But unlike the amputated victims in the films these trends have no legs for a different reason. All entertainment is cyclical by nature and horror is no exception. In the mid nineties we had the tongue in cheek self aware horror movies like Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer revive a business that had been dead since Jason was last seen taking Manhattan. That led right to a chain of spoofs that were almost less tongue in cheek than the real horror movies with Scary Movie and eventually Broken Lizards Club Dread. For a while the genre was even propelled by staged reality horror with the overwhelming success of The Blair Witch Project. These days the trend is to spend as little money shooting a film as possible and as much time on screen torturing. So how in a market that is full of bear trap head clamps and severed Achilles tendons did yet another remake of a Japanese ghost story slip through the cracks? Weve already drowned Jennifer Connelly, and forced Naomi Watts to sit through a shitty VHS tape, is there anyone out there who could give a flying fuck about some ghostly Sarah Michelle Gellar stalker whose email address isnt willowh8tr@josswhedonrocks.com?
