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I hope, later in life, there is this much fanfare about his wheelchair
Last night I got drunk with a bunch of college buddies and we all sounded off on various aspects in sports that we could do without. Then we got thrown out of the Bennegan’s. Here is a list of my favorites.
World Series of Poker: This is a card game, much the same as Pinochle, Bridge, and Fricken Candy Land. Simply putting the words “World Series” in front of it makes it about as much of as sport as say “Championship Peanut Shelling” or “World Cup Muff Diving”. (Though we might be on to something with that last one)
John Madden’s Bus: Aside from sharing my father’s contempt for Madden’s brand of superfluous and utterly useless game “analysis”, I could also do without all the attention his bus gets. It's just a bus. Lots of famous people who AREN'T afraid to fly have them as well, though I’m not 100% sure if he’s afraid to fly or simply doesn’t fit in the seats.
Cameras Cameras Cameras: Recently we were introduced to the field cam. A tiny pin sized camera placed in the ground in strategic places, like in front of home plate, or somewhere in the end zone. I wonder where they will have put a camera to finally stop thinking of new places to put cameras. “Wow! So that’s what the game looks like from Juan Gonzalez’s Asshole…….. Whose dick is that? …. Must not be a game night”
Praying: During the game that’s kinda lame but with three seconds left and the playoff-winning field goal just moments away I can kinda see the need for it. However, the hand-holding circle at midfield/midcourt at the end of the game by members of BOTH teams is unbelievably Queerballs. “Dear Lord, we thank thee for thine blessings in this game that we got paid to play. And thank you for ignoring famine, plight, and war so you could provide protection for us, the faithful millionaires of the NBA/NFL. Amen”
"You just Gotta believe": Originally coined by the late reliever Tug McGraw, and more recently overused by just about every sports franchise in America. “Just gotta believe”? Okay. Lemme try! “Hey, the emcee at the strip club is going to hook me up with a $5 blow job from a stripper…. You just gotta believe man!”
Soccer Fights There is certainly a macabre fascination with the many soccer fights around the globe. Hmmmm? 120,000 people are crammed into an 85,000-seat stadium for four hours while more than half of them are drunk, there are no bathrooms, and then some fights break out? Boy that's odd.
Officially Licensed Gear: Which are usually worn by officially un-athletic wannabes. While it’s very trendy with young white males to wear ironic t-shirts, to me there is nothing more ironic then a 300 pound man in a track suit. “Hey Carl Lewis! Better slip on those running shoes, pal. Don’t want that plate of veal cutlets to get away”
The Wheaties Box: Once in a while you will see a blurb in the news about some pro athlete gracing the box of Wheaties for the first time. Is this really a “news worthy” story? And why does it have to be Wheaties? How about a completely washed up William Perry on a box of Cookie Crisp? Why even stop with cereal? How about Jose Canseco on a six-pack of Miller High Life? Lord knows he needs the money (and the beer).
Fantasy Football/Baseball: (There is even NASCAR) The word fantasy conjures up imagery of nerds, geeks, and everlasting virginity. Those things might be the case for some of you avid fantasy sports guys and gals but at least there is some money involved right. Unless it’s “Fantasy” money too. Ooooooh Fantasy money! (Naturally from this you can surmise that I lost in last years fantasy league. And lost BIG)
He's an Author
Winter Olympics: If you ever needed proof that there’s not much to do in the winter, just try and sit through watching the Winter Olympics. Or better, see if you can name more than ten events. There are only about twenty and half of them sound like they were made up. “Yeah this next one is called the…uh…the uh…Skeleton…yeah, Skeleton. Yeah that’s it. And it’s like the Luge except…. You uh… lay down on your stomach. Or something”
Super Stats: Thanks to Computers I now know what Gary Sheffield’s batting average is when the bases are loaded, and he is batting left handed, facing a left hander, with two outs, in an away game situation, when it’s raining, and his wife is “raggin it”.
Xtreme Sports: Without going on a tirade about the word “extreme” and how it’s OVER used in mass media, let me just say this; Jumping out of an airplane on bicycle is fucking dumb. Unless there's no parachute- THAT would be extreme!
Old Timers Games: I'll take "Things that make me severely depressed" for 600 Alex.
The ESPY Awards: As if ESPN doesn’t polish athletes poles enough every night on Sport Center they feel obligated to hold an annual suck off ceremony to do so in a more formal fashion. One: Deion Sanders doesn’t need another excuse to put on a GIANT ugly suit and Two: Any situation that might result in a WNBA player appearing in eveningwear should be avoided at all costs. "Jesus Christ, is that Rebecca Lobo, or did someone throw a dress on Secretariat?"
Figure Skating: Often touted as the highest-rated Winter Olympics event, figure skating proves one thing. That it’s slightly less gay then ice dancing. On a related note: I just proved myself slightly more gay for knowing there’s a difference.
Boxing Hype: The heyday of boxing is long gone. What's left is a disorganized, over-promoted, and under-developed wasteland of nobodys fighting each other for worthless and contrived titles. When “Screech vs. Horshack” outdraws “Lewis vs. Holyfield” on viewership you know you’re in trouble. Suggestion: “Belding vs. Butterbean: Judgment Day!”
Sports Talk Radio: There is a reason these are all on AM radio stations sandwiched between Art Bell and Polka. I'm just saying that’s all.
Looking Fit!
Insensitive Native American Mascots: The plights of Native Americans are many, ranging from high unemployment, staggering high school dropout rates, and rampant alcoholism. It’s very comforting to know that all those could be eliminated by simply ridding the sports world of "Chief Wahoo" and "Chief Illiniwek”.
"No Holds Barred": We've all seen this proclaimed many times during ads for “Ultimate Fighting” competitions yet I've not once seen a shot to the nuts by anyone. I know if I was ever put in a "Real" bout that was TRULY “No Holds Barred”, I’d wear a cup and go right for your balls faster then Andy Dick in a darkened movie theatre. Mostly ‘cause I fight like a bitch, but if one kick to the “Jimmy” can bring down Ken Shamrock then I say “Attack the Sack!”
Professional Cheerleaders/Dance Teams: I am all for seeing hot women gyrate, but without exception, these are some of the homeliest bitches on the planet. Trust me, there is a reason that the only job they could get is the one where you are at least 20 yards from the audience. Not to mention that they seem to totally miss the concept that they are only there to serve the puerile sexual fantasies of the lonely sports fan. They do not lead cheers, impress us with their choreography, pump up the players, or add to the experience of the game in anyway other than being the target of ridicule and lewd comments between drunken buddies. Such as, "You see that chick forth from the left? I'd like to see her do that move on my giant cock... haha"
I could personally do without, Bill Parcelle's GIANT man cans, and the whole Notre Dame nation.
Alex
More off the list
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Posted: 8/15/2006 4:50:16 AM
I could live without all the coverage that invovle sports that rely on vechicles and or animals, and the fact they are often refered to as "sports." It gets me angier than the french after an american wins the tour de france.
MeMan
Alex...
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Posted: 8/15/2006 6:21:31 AM
...an American who tested positive for banned substances. I could live without curling. How can that even qualify as a sport?
deuce
satellite tv "total packages"
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Posted: 8/15/2006 6:27:29 AM
if only i had 25 tv's and 25 sets of eyeballs to watch EVERY game each weekend... i have a favorite team. i want to watch them. not every other fuckstick program in the country. if i need to check "stats" for gay-ass fantasy money pit, i get on the internet.
deuce
p.s. tom a -
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Posted: 8/15/2006 6:29:24 AM
i know you watched the game last night.. thoughts on tony cornholer's MNF debut?
Tom A
deuce
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Posted: 8/15/2006 10:13:03 AM
ah, you know me too well.
Some of my Minnesota comrades and I were e-mailing about that very thing this morning. Consensus appears to be that Tony K. is not good - he is trying too hard, and some of his comments were just lame: "hey, Joe, when you get a moment can you wxplain this "silent count" thing?" - right, as if you don't really know what that is. And "Brad Johnson's carreer winning percentage is the same as Greg Maddux's and Tom Glavine's!" Really? And Mike McMahon's career completion percentage puts Ted Williams to shame! Kornholer has also been told to focus on the dreaded "story lines" (as have the two - TWO! - sideline bims who add NOTHING to the game coverage and aren't even nice to look at). Hey, did you know that the Vikings had a boat scandal last year, and that Randimoss used to be a Viking? Maybe that means that the other two clowns won't have to constantly talk about the story lines all game, though. We'll see. And the jury's still out on this e-mail Tony deal. Might be OK, if they just use it when the game is boring (which is about 2 out of 3 weeks, usually).
Theeesman is still quite annoying, but he doesn't seem to have this huge chip on his shoulder to prove that he is the most "knowledgeable" guy in the booth now that McGuire is gone. Wish they had got rid of him.
Tireco is better than Overstatement Patrick ("ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" - settle down, sir, it was a six-yard run, and that's the 47th time you've said that tonight).
All in all, this group can't help but be better than the previous ESPN crew, and waaaaay less annoying than the previous MNF crew (who we now get on Sunday nights - ugh).
They did manage to mention Brett Favrerererer about half a dozen times, and stick his career stats up there, though. I was FFing at that point, so I have no idea what the pretended segue was to get there. Probably something along the lines of, "that pass was a bit underthrown. You know who never underthrows a pass? Brett Faverererererereer. Even though he is completely washed up, overrated, a media whore who is hurting his team by playing, both now and in the future, and his team is going to struggle to win 6 games this year, we're going to have him on national TV anyway, and we're going to talk about him alot. Not nearly as much as they will on MNF, of course, because we will actually talk about some other things occasionally, but we'll talk about him alot. Did you know that he has a games started streak going? Did you know that his record while playing after Nov. 11th, when the temperature at halftime is 38 degrees or less, and excluding playoffs and the last two years of regular season, is quite good? Oh, you heard something about that? Well, did you know that his wife is battling cancer and his dad died? Oh. Well, did you know that his family's house got wet in the hurricane and he had to have a private jet go get them and take them to the nearest Hardees because they hadn't eaten in nearly 8 hours? Oh. Well, did you know that he might retire someday?"
Wait, what was your question again, deuce?
Tom A
P.S.
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Posted: 8/15/2006 10:13:47 AM
Things we can do with out:
All-Star games and the crap that goes with them.
antony
jeeeze
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Posted: 8/15/2006 10:26:44 AM
i'm sensing a lot of pent up anger here... but i don't understand why.. i mean, unless it involves blood, a dirt track, or a football, its not even a sport to begin with, and second of all, unless you are playing a sports game on playstation or some shit, who fucking cares what the announcer is saying? mute the fucking tv and play some skynryd, you'll even feel better when your bitch team loses, or when your favorite driver flies over the embankment in 90mph fireball aimed at pine tree. Wheaties are nasty though, and they could change the damn box design every 30 years or so.
deuce
haha
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Posted: 8/15/2006 10:27:47 AM
awesome.. exactly the answer i was expecting. appropriate length, also. (i only managed to stomach the 1st half... seeing if anything changed)
who knew that culpepper was traded to.. the dolphins?? get out! - thanks tony. i think he needs to get off the air and keep the writing thing.. when i want a story, i'd like to read one..
and could espn move the game clock & score to upper left or right like everyone else? jesus. you'd see a DB trot out of the huddle to the near side of the field and be like "who the fuck is he covering?? oh."
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