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Dude can buy and sell you.
I consider myself a bit of an onomastician (look it up, dumbassâ€"and no, it's nothing sexual). Names have always intrigued me in some fashion, for better or for worse, and name sociology is one of my many hobbies, along with amateur rhinoplasty, writing for half-assed webzines, and putting plaster of Paris heads in my garbage cans. A person's name can actually make me hate the person without knowing anything else about him or her. A solid name creates a solid individual, I have always believed. The converse is also true. Don't believe me? Here are some of my time-tested theories:
People who use an initial then a full nameâ€"these people have more money than you and/or have written a book and/or starred in Amadeus. On the other hand, people who use two initials are assholes.
Females with names ending in "i"â€"(soon to be) sexual deviants, and God bless them all.
Monosyllabic namesâ€"inherently tougher than polysyllabics. A Stu will kick a Stuart's ass, usually. A Steve will stomp a Steven (and a Stephen). Look at DeMarco. This waifish jizz-joke-jockey doesn't stand a chance against a Chuck. "Charlie" should be delegated to boys under ten and golden retrievers. Change it up to "Chazz," DeMarco. P.S. The Indians suck.
There are more examples I could tickle your psyche with, but one has really stuck in my craw of late, and it really doesn't have as much to do with strong vs. weak as it does with just plain ol' pissing me off.
What the fuck is going on with the names of these Latino and Hispanic baseball players?! Eight letters? Vowels where there shouldn't be? Overuse of the letter "Y?" Asdrubal? Criminy! What happened to all the Juans, Pedros, Joses, Felipes, and Chicos we used to know and love and tip? It began with Moises Alou, and I let it slide because the dude urinates on his hands to chap them up for grip on the bat, which is completely badass and disgusting. But now it's out of control. The following are actual first names of some Latino/Hispanic/Brown Major League Baseball players, categorized for your reading pleasure:
Commie Spies (a.k.a. Cubans)
Keep an eye on these Pinko bastards.
There's a reason he let's them slip away...
Vladimir Wladimir Alexei Yuniesky Kendrys Livan (compounded by the fact he's a big Elton John fan)
Names Stolen from Non-Spanish Speaking Countries
Geovany (you are not Italian!) Yovani (you are not Italian!) Nerio (you are not Italian!) Damaso (tell me this doesn't sound Japanese) Elvis (okay, who in a non-English-speaking nation names a kid "Elvis"?) Wilton Hanley (these two should form a law firm) Liu
Players Named After Companies, Corporations, etc.
Dioner (Hispanic Scientology) Odalis (Hispanic boner pills) Amadol (isn't that like a birth-control pill or something?) Asdrubal (he moonlights in witchcraft) Yorkis (they got a great beef/churizo combo sandwich) Mendy (particularly hated by Jerry Seinfeld) Aude (ironically drives a Saab) Ubaldo (runs the Dominican branch of Hair Club for Men in the offseason) Aquilino (isn't this a fucking aftershave?)
Point and Laugh at Them Names
Wily Mo Neifi (and his middle name is "Neftali") Wandy Kiko (who respects a guy named "Kiko?")
Sadly, Yadier missed the cut at 40,002.
Names that Make You Squint Your Eyes and Say "Wha?"
Yhency (in English it means "mediocre") Yadier Duaner Anibal Brayan Josue (pronounced... actually I don't know) Yunel Renyel Maicer Kelvim Endy (also has a brother named Ender, seriously) Edwar (can't you just fucking make it Eduardo? C'mon!)
Sigh. This is a tragedy with no end in sight. So what Hispanic/Latino/Third-World Escapee's name chaps your thighs? Let's have it!
This was just a list of names for the most part, and I'm not really that impressed by lists of names. This was like a game in the comments, but less funny and definitely less references anal sex.
Posts: 3005 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 6/3/2008 10:47:36 AM
You missed Yorvit Torrealba I think. Also, I can't believe we're not including black people in this list although I guess they deserve their own article. May I submit:
Posts: 134 Rank: 3084 Joined:
7/27/2007
Location:
Chicago, IL
Posted: 6/3/2008 10:49:05 AM
You commented yesterday about TPP removing the funny and shit counters. It's similar to giving every kid that participates in a competition a trophy. It also gives douchebags like me a chance to type ridiculous shit and get away with it rather unscathed.
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