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With the year in imaginary sports coming to an end, let us examine some of the more crucial moves of the season, by comparing the players on your team to every girl you've ever been involved with.
Donovan McNabb
Drafting him in the 5th round, was like dating a really hot girl from another school. All your friends were jealous. This girl gave you five of the best weeks of your life, and then suddenly moved to Canada. Now, all the other pretty girls already have prom dates, and you are stuck having to ask out Joey Harrington.
Shaun Alexander
A buddy of yours always used to brag about his ex-girlfriend, telling you detailed stories about how she would have sex with him in fast food restaurants or funeral homes. This girl was unbelievable and you had to find out for yourself. Unfortunately, in the time since they were together, she became a hardcore Mormon (which is the same as breaking your foot). You now have to wait nearly an entire season for her to give it up all the while knowing that she went down on your buddy in a Kmart dressing room on their first date.
Daunte Culpepper
She had been dating the same guy for three years. She used to be hot, but had since put on a little weight, and lost that sparkle in her eye. Still, you couldn’t resist picking up the leftovers. Just like this girl, Culpepper’s knees had already seen too much wear and tear, and he had a mad tendency for giving it up to people on the other team.
Eli Manning
What a disappointment! Her sister was so hot, and put up such good numbers. You’ll probably keep dating her, but will eventually realize that she has much smaller breasts and one more conversation about Young Jeezy or the Real World Road Rules Challenge will cause you to stab yourself in the throat with her pink ipod nano.
Rex Grossman/Michael Vick
You still can’t figure this girl out. You know she’s only going to let you down, but you fall for her anyways. After a few good weeks together, she fucks three guys in the bathroom during her shift at Hooters, and gives you herpes. You know she’s not keeper material, but your low self-esteem keeps you coming back for more.
Jericho Cotchery/Wes Welker/Bernard Berrian
So, Daunte Culpepper wasn't such a good move after all
Their first few weeks of performing well is the equivalent of hearing a rumor about a girl being involved in a crazy three-way with one of her best friends. Even though she wasn’t that attractive, you immediately asked her out, only to later find that the rumor was about someone totally different. You keep her number programmed in your phone, just in case Chad Johnson sprains his ankle.
Koren Robinson/Antonio Bryant
This girl always showed up at the party looking really hot. If you got to her early, you may have gotten something out of it, maybe seventy five yards and a touchdown, but if you missed your twenty minute window , she had already thrown up hunch punch all over her new white sweater.
Randy Moss/Terrell Owens
If you drafted these guys, it was the equivalent of trying to date the stripper who just gave you a $15 lap dance. You knew exactly what you were getting into, so don’t act surprised when you walk in to find them getting donkey punched by their cocaine dealer.
Marques Colston
The exact equivalent of the nerdy brunette girl in the 80’s movie with the glasses and hair pulled up in a pony-tail. You took a chance on her, maybe because someone bet you that you couldn’t make her prom queen, and it paid off big. Once she got contacts and let her hair down, she led all rookies in yards from scrimmage and touchdowns.
Lamont Jordan/Wali Lundy/Samkon Godo
It’s not completely your fault. They looked pretty good after a case of Stroh’s.
I hope you and LT are really freakin happy!
LT
She’s smoking hot, smart and funny. Somehow she gets all your jokes and also thinks you are attractive. She encourages you to spend more time with your friends, and waits at your apartment in nothing but one of your work shirts until you get home. You drafted him first in a keeper league, and haven’t lost a game yet. Fuck off.
Feel free to share your imaginary football/relationship pain with the rest of the world. Also, what was the best team name you’ve used? For my money, 3rd and Long Duk Dong is hard to beat.
She was a sweet young starlet last year, and she got all sorts of picture spreads in beauty magazines... articles about how good an actress she is... she looked so pretty from afar. Then, you run into her at some LA dive bar and you realize that there are some damn good airbrush people working for those magazines. Then she tells you how excited she is for her new gig on Flava Flav's Flava of Love and you see where her career REALLY is.
Balls
Cadillac
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Posted: 11/30/2006 7:07:11 AM
But you keep dating her because she's trying to sober up and told you that she just joined a gym.
deuce
brett farv-rah
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Posted: 11/30/2006 9:23:15 AM
good looking high-school girlfriend, your parents and her parents are friends and your grandparents (john madden) is infatuated with her. shes put on 20 libby's while a away at college, but you keep her # around and hook up every once in a while on the off chance she lets you throw it in her butt. because she would turn around and give you "the look" when you would use the "it slipped" excuse back in high-school....
deuce
umm, wow.
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Posted: 11/30/2006 9:26:13 AM
"..grandparents *are* infatuated..''
jesus. i promise i was born in this country.
vertigo
excellent
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Posted: 11/30/2006 9:47:20 AM
The Shaun Alexander was superb. TPP has been struggling lately, well done.
My team name a few years ago was Melissa Stark's Tight Spiral.
Tony Romo-This chick seemingly got progressively hotter as the night kept going. She was so average at 8pm, not even able to stand out next to another average chick. You may have had a shot early on, but now every striped shirt in the place sees her talents and the price has gone way up.
CBT
Gotta agree with the Caddy
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Posted: 11/30/2006 10:01:11 AM
And the best team name in any league is "4th and Schlong"
antony
fuck!
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Posted: 11/30/2006 10:11:16 AM
i knew this was going to be painful as soon as i saw the names of vick and bryant...but then i remembered that i also picked up Colston in week 2! sadly though, my second highest scoring player is chicago's defense...WTF!?
JP
Team Names
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Posted: 11/30/2006 10:13:26 AM
The Milano Hairbrush Shartzilla Air Tight Rape Three Nut Minimum The Pink Sox
deuce
team names
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Posted: 11/30/2006 10:52:21 AM
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