Juan Turlington does not take advantage of the wide array of felonies available to him in American society. Mail Tampering takes such little effort that it makes him feel warm and fuzzy inside. Every other Tuesday, abducted wanderers are snatched from their path, never to find their intended destination. They slowly become "Other People’s Mail." These are their lost, misguided voices.
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Fuck you, Animal Planet.
Dear Animal Planet,
I happened to flip past your channel after The Super Bowl and witnessed some of your marquee programming. It appeared as though you painted a small room like a football stadium and filled it with puppies. Then you introduced the puppies for hours on end and filmed them falling over each other and munching on chew toys, accompanied by color commentary. This program was called, "Puppy Bowl III."
Your headquarters and those of any parent companies you have should be blanketed with mortar blasts and heavy gunfire. Every man that works for your channel should be castrated and hung from trees around your property as a warning that something like this can never happen again. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
At first, I refused to believe that this could actually be the third installment in a series. "No fucking way. That must be a typo." I thought. But after checking on the internet, it appears that not only did you idiots run "Puppy Bowl" three times, you actually shot three different versions. There are even DVDs available...
Seriously, fuck you, Animal Planet.
Every single copy of any DVD featuring a football-themed playroom filled with hours of puppies playing should be dipped in anthrax and accompanied by a radio-controlled explosive device. It is time that we seriously consider cleaning up our gene pool. This would be a fantastic start. If someone can be entertained by shit like this for two-plus hours, they don't deserve to have eyes. I haven't spoken to Stevie Wonder personally, but I strongly believe that he would be more than pleased to storm the homes of any "Puppy Bowl" viewers equipped with a sword and a flaming flail.
You advertised "Puppy Bowl III" as, "An alternative for people who don't want to watch the Super Bowl." I guess that's accurate, but I think it should read, "An alternative for people who carry on in-depth conversations with their pets and depend on them for social gratification, and don't want to watch the Super Bowl. You guys at Animal Planet were even considerate enough to remember the cat people out there by presenting the "Bissell Kitty Halftime Show." I believe that you assholes did the best job describing it all on your website:
Don't miss the kitty half-time show with adorable bundles of energy playing their hearts out! After the show, watch for the world premiere of the Puppy Bowl Tailgate Party - featuring Choop the Chihuahua, T-Rex the Poodle and Jake the Jack Russell as they watch the big plays from Game Day's hottest tailgate party.
Maybe they have something with the puppies.
I hate you, Animal Planet. I hate you beyond all things conceivable. You have managed to devise a bowl game that is even less meaningful than The Insight.com Bowl. Congratulations, shitdicks.
However, we here at CBS are prepared to offer you a potentially lucrative deal. We would be willing to trade you the broadcast rights to the NFL Pro Bowl and two unaired episodes of David Spade's new sitcom "Rules of Engagement" for the rights to re-run "Puppy Bowl III." Everyone knows that the Pro Bowl is the worst thing in the world, and we are hoping to trade up in any way we can. Let me know.
Best Regards, Leslie Moonves President and Chief Executive Officer of CBS Corporation
I watched this for a little while as well, and the amazing thing is that the best fucking announcer in baseball history was doing commentary. Harry F'ing Kalas sold out to the Puppy Bowl!
Posts: 2906 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 2/6/2007 10:34:08 AM
Is there a part in the brain for cuteness and gushiness? I don't think I have it. Its scary sometimes. Once a month, one of my friends spit out a kid and everyone is like, "awwww, oh my god!! she/he is the cutest thing, awwww look at her little dribble, hehehe hehehe, a goochie goo.....". Seriously, I have never felt like that. I don't even hold the kids. Same thing goes for puppies. I get that they're cute. I get that there dumb and brand new and clumsy. But I never get all warm and tingly. All i think is that the dog is gonna shit somewhere in this house or eat something of mine.
How can I gain this sensitivity trait? I'm not a fucking robot, but I would like to think that a baby is cute damn it!
But seriously folks. Babies are cute, they have to be! puppies too. Its there only defense skill. This means you are one step closer to killing one or both of them, probably a good thing you dont hold them!
I thought I was the only heartless assbag. Babies do nothing for me. In fact, they repulse me. I am always afraid I am going to break it or its going to shit or throw up on me. And they always cry when I hold one. Maybe its because I have this fucked up look on my face that says "I really really really don't want to hold you and if you shit or puke, I might just drop you".
Posts: 2906 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 2/6/2007 11:11:17 AM
I am physically repulsed by them. They are like people, but not. It freaks me the fuck out. Also, they love me. the minute some stupid baby locks eyes with me, they start grabbing for me and smiling and shit. I can't hold one. I almost dropped my friends baby 4 years ago and never touched one again.
Oh, and baby talk? I lack that skill severely. instead goo goo ga ga, I actually said to a baby, " so what's up baby? how is your day shaping up so far?" the kid thought is was hysterical, but the mother looked at me with such a look of disgust and pity that I still have not recovered.
oh, and pregnant people gross me out too. just think about it. there is like a full blown person in her stomach! that's so gross.
Posts: 896 Rank: 3 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 2/6/2007 1:26:04 PM
I'm sorry, but that Juan pun was terrible. However, I do agree with you on cute little things. Babies are a no go for me. I mean, I didn't get cut from my high school baseball team because I was TOO good at catching and holding onto things.
Oh and puppies? No thanks. When I sobered up enough to drive home from the SB party, my girlfriend and her friend were both watching this piece of shit. Then we argued over the merits of "fluffy dogs vs short hair dogs" with my point being that I could take a little Chihuahua to the park and just punt footballs in front of it (pointing at it after each kick) and dog would do anything I fucking told it to. They just told me I didn't get it. Whatever.
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