Juan Turlington does not take advantage of the wide array of felonies available to him in American society. Mail Tampering takes such little effort that it makes him feel warm and fuzzy inside. Every other Tuesday, abducted wanderers are snatched from their path, never to find their intended destination. They slowly become "Other People’s Mail." These are their lost, misguided voices.
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To: Mr. T From: MTV Networks Re: Response to Batman/Mr. T program proposals.
Dear Mr. T,
We regret to inform you that, for the eighth time in as many weeks, we are going to pass on your new ideas for television shows. We here at MTV are huge fans of your body of work and hold the utmost respect for all you have contributed to pop culture. We have read and considered each and every concept you have submitted, but we simply feel that your ideas are not the right fit for our programming on MTV or MTV2.
We agree that your ideas are "new" and "refreshingly amazing, foo'!" as you have stated in your previous messages. We also agree that you are indeed an "ageless icon that any foo' better recognize if they don't want to be beaten so badly they'd be mistaken for a empty waterbed mattress!" I'm not even sure what that means, but it doesn't sound pleasent.
Just let me say, your talent has never been in question. We would love to be in the Mr. T business, but as you know, the audience is fickle. You've made it clear that you think our current lineup is a "shredded shit burrito dipped in hog piss", but we do have to consider how any new show would fit with our current schedule. Your statement that, "It is scientifically proven that there is only one human being on the entire planet Earth that believes that Laguna Beach, The Hills, and Maui Fever are not written by a team of cock-sucking wiener-slappers. The believer's name is Mujumbo. He is a profoundly retarded tribesman hailing from deep in a Brazillian rainforest. His primary role is to shout religious curses at animals and scare women." is patently false.
In regards to your request that I give you notes on each of your ideas, I have done so below. I trust this means you will not follow through with your threat to "turn me inside-out with your penis."
First of all, I see that you have disregarded my previous suggestion that you reconsider dressing as Batman. Every one of your ideas still contains that element. I respect that you are sticking to your vision, but I still find this idea confusing.
Batman/Mr. T Confronts Sexual Predators with Urine-Filled Squirt Guns We agree that sexual predators are "selling like hotcakes, foo!" these days, but our legal department has expressed concern about the liability we would have to assume if you were attacking people with urine.
Batman/Mr. T's Celebrity Windshield Toilets. This is probably my favorite of your ideas, Mr. T. I think you are really on to something. America would love to watch you "give birth to T2's" on the extravagant automobiles of the rich and famous. This is exactly the kind of high-concept idea that we at MTV search for every development season. Unfortunately, concerns about censorship forces me to pass on this goldmine. I hate to see one of our pay-cable competitors gain success with an idea we are forced to pass on, but if a viewer tunes in to watch the awe-inspiring combination of Bruce Wayne and Clubber Lang drop a wet mud log on Paris Hilton's Bentley, they actually want to SEE Bruce Wayne and Clubber Lang drop a wet mud log on Paris Hilton's Bentley. Censorship boxes and pixel smears would only rob this program of its possible scope.
Batman/Mr. T Throws Skateboards Off of a Rooftop at Oriental People I like this idea, but must insist that you remove the racial element. We have been looking for a new vehicle for Steve-O recently, and I think that he is uniquely suited for this show. The only thing more entertaining than Batman/Mr. T throwing skateboards off of a rooftop at unsuspecting people, is Batman/Mr. T throwing skateboards off of a rooftop at unsuspecting people while Steve-O attempts to ride the skateboards. With a few alterations, this show is a definite possibility.
The rest of the ideas you sent were only titles, and while most are very descriptive, I'd need a more fleshed out idea to give you notes. That said, of the 4,182 titles you sent, these were my favorites. Perhaps you could spend some more time developing these.
People Try to Play Pranks on Batman/Mr. T and Get Their Ass Kicked
Batman/Mr. T's Professional Hide-n-Seek League
Batman/Mr. T Fights Mt. Everest
Batman/Mr. T's Hunt for Noah's Ark
Batman/Mr. T Forces Pandas to Fuck
Thank you so much for taking the time to contact us, Mr. T. Of course, we will be happy to consider any further television show ideas that you may develop.
Yours Truly,
MTV Networks Supplying belief systems, ideologies, and behavioral tendencies for future America since astronauts became a corporate symbol of greed and ruthless maniacal brainwashing.
THAT's what I'm talking 'bout. It's gonna be a good day; thank you Juan.
I was disappointed to see Batman/Mr T.'s bat emblem was not a massive belt-buckle-ish gold medallion on a matching 2 inch gold chain. It's foo-ish of him not to add his own flair/bling to the uniform/costume. But I'm not going to be the one to tell him, even though the idea of being turned inside out by an A-Team man-hammer excites me.
I really, no I mean REALLY, like the Celebrity Windshield Toilets idea. Couldn't someone negotiate (and by "negotiate" I mean coerce) Ashton Kutcher to join in the creative process. Change the name to "Deuc'd", hi-jack Paris' Bentley, Batman/Mr. T produces the deuce, Ashton comes running out, grabs Paris by the head - rubbing her face in the windshield like a non-potty trained puppy, screaming, "You just been Deuc'd FOO!!!"
Posts: 1453 Rank: 14 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Buffalo, NY
Posted: 3/20/2007 9:56:28 AM
Is that a star of David? Is Mr. T a Jew? That defies logic. Another question, look at the bottom of the pic, is this part of the A team series of cards? What the hell was the obsession with cards in the early 90’s I think I even had the desert storm cards most notably the coveted General Swartscoaf card. I probably still have boxes of those cards at my grandma's house if you want to buy them Antony.
Posts: 45 Rank: 241 Joined:
12/13/2006
Location:
Salt Lake City, UT
Posted: 3/20/2007 10:09:04 AM
You would think, as a ninja, you would be more sensitive to your slant-eyed brothers! For shame!!
Pandas on the other hand are fair game. You work those pandas Batman/Mr. T! Just make sure the pandas use protection. The last thing those pandas need is an unplanned pregnancy.
Posts: 1714 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
Denver, CO
Posted: 3/20/2007 10:09:11 AM
It really is a shame Mr. T couldn't make a comeback. Unfortunately with the severe neck injuries he suffered from constantly wearing that much bling he is barely able to lift his head up to look someone straight in the eyes before he calls them a Foo.
Posts: 92 Rank: 3083 Joined:
1/3/2007
Location:
Chicago, IL
Posted: 3/20/2007 10:17:00 AM
First off, no Mr. T ain't Jewish, he wore the Jewish star to help represent indifference. Secondly the A-team was produced from 83-87 so its not a 90's card, its and 80's card, But your right, it was quite strange to see the whole Desert Storm/Shield card series and all. Ooh look, look I got Saddam's Serin gas death squad insert. Go Genocide!!!!!
Posts: 1476 Rank: 17 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 3/20/2007 10:46:59 AM
something is a bit strange here. deuce seems a bit on edge this morning as well, coincidence? i think not.
i really think the panda fucking would be a hit in China. them people loves them some panda fuckin. they do special new reports with POV angles and interactive menu's just like how porn is over here.
bignick- thanks for the offer, but seriously, why would i want some fat army asshole's card. get me a mother fuckin Zinni or it's your lunch money punk!
and I'd have given it a 6 if I could. That was the best piece of writing I've seen in ages. Anytime you can work windshield toilets into a piece, you've got gold on your hands!!
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