Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Money is great, but it sure can be hard to come by. As I'm sure you've heard by now, it does not grow on trees nor can you "get it for nothing" despite what Dire Straits will have you believe. Typically it is achieved in exchange for work in an employer-employee relationship of some kind. I personally find work to be hard and bothersome, therefore my personal pursuit of money is marred with annoyance and discomfort. But that is neither here nor there. We're not dissecting work today. What we are dissecting is tipping, which in this day and age occurs far too frequently in the absence of work.
Let me start by first acknowledging that in my past I have delivered pizza, worked at a coffeehouse and bartended. I've been on the receiving end of the game and I know what it's like to get stiffed, screwed and jacked around by cheapskates that don't appreciate good service. This article is not intended to be an indictment of tipping in general, but rather to encourage tipping only for service that is deserving of it. As a society, we've come to accept shitty service to the point where we now pay a premium for it. We actually feel guilty if we don't give our passive-aggressive server at least 18% for repeatedly ignoring our request for ketchup and failing to make eye contact at any point during the evening. Well the time has come for this to stop. Dear Phat Phree readers, I implore you to take a stand. Don't tip because you think you have to, tip because you want to. Because you want to reward good service and because you want to stop rewarding negative behavior. Tip because it is deserved and in the event that it is not, be sure to leave 1% so they know you're not some uncultured European. Let them know that 1% is all they are worth to you. Perhaps then, if but for just a moment, you can make a difference in this world.
Okay, now that the rant is behind us, let's get into the Dissection of tipping. It is expected in many places in our society, some deserved and some not so much. I still don't know why we tip a guy standing in a public bathroom handing us towels, but we don't even consider throwing a few bucks at a plumber who makes a Sunday call to fix an overflowing toilet in our own, non-public bathroom. I mean really, it boggles the mind. The guy is cleaning out your shit with his hands and he can't get a bone while some loser standing all night in a nightclub bathroom selling mints is worthy of a few dollars? It's bullshit. But enough with the rants, let's get to the dissection.
RESTAURANTS
They say that "tips" stands for "to insure proper service". While there is no factual truth to this acronym (you'd be "ensuring" proper service, not "insuring" it), it is commonly believed to be true among most restaurant goers, further proving that most people are idiots. Aside from the ensure/insure error, if this was the way things were, we'd all tip at the top of the meal, thus ensuring proper service (assuming the server deemed your gratuity large enough to be worthy of proper service). Unfortunately, this is not how we do things. The result is usually shitty service at the beginning of the transaction that gets progressively worse until right before the check comes when suddenly the server is all smiles and offering to help with anything he/she can.
When this happens here's what you say: "Fuck that bullshit, here's your 1%." They may complain that some bullshit state law means that they get paid less than minimum wage, but you didn't force them to take a job there. They knew what they were getting into and they still decided to be an asshole, so they deserve nothing from you.
Average Tip Percentage: 15% Factoring in the breakfast and lunch crowd, 15% is the basic range that a server can expect to take home from you, the customer, rather than the person who should be paying them- their boss. That said, if the service warrants the tip, I'm all for it. The problem is, the more people tip because they think they have to, the worse the service gets because the wait staff learns that they don't have to work for it anymore. It's Parenting 101 -- reinforcing negative behavior -- and its time for it to end.
VALETS
Valets perform a necessary service in overpopulated areas, but far too often they're just a racket designed to rip off the average Joe. There is nothing more infuriating than when a restaurant with a parking lot requires mandatory valet service for a fee. You park in front of the place, let some person of questionable hygiene get into your car and then go park it twenty yards away. For this you pay a fee and are then expected to tip the guy when you leave (after having just tipped the server in the restaurant for what was presumably poor service) for moving your car less than the distance of half a football field. Michael Andretti gets paid less per distance driven than these fuckers.
How you fight it: Find your own goddamned spot on the street you lazy ass. And so what if your date doesn't approve? Better you find out now that her fiscal irresponsibility knows no boundaries before you give her a chance to order the surf and turf. Again, if the valet service is either in a densely populated area or a god-awful neighborhood in which you wouldn't want to leave your car on the street, then by all means, valet. But these shakedown lots that have no need for a valet must be stopped, and the only way to do that is to unite against them... or firebomb their little valet booths, whichever you prefer.
Average Tip Percentage: 33% With an average service charge of around $3 and the usual tip being in the $1 range, valets come in at a whopping 33% gratuity ratio. This can be slightly skewed when factored against free valet services, but is outweighed on that front by excessive valet charges for major events. Either way, it's a fucking hustle to have to pay some guy that I didn't want driving my car in the first place to move the seat way up, fuck with my radio and (probably) steal all my change.
PIZZA GUY
I have a bit of a soft heart for the pizza guy. Like I said, I am a former comrade and I know the trials and tribulations of being one man with four different orders, an outdated Thomas Guide and rush hour traffic. It's no picnic. You risk traffic stops, engine failure, car accidents, armed robbery and assault (a guy I worked with was actually beaten over the head from behind by a blunt object and left for dead in the street--the neighbors called the pizza place instead of the cops--not exactly the greatest neighborhood in the world). Then again, so do cab drivers, but we'll get to them later. Now we're focused on the pizza guy. In fact, the pizza guy is also the Chinese delivery guy and the Thai food guy. He's the everyman who brings food to your door with the best smile he can muster and graciously accepts whatever shitty tip you give him, which these days is probably less than it would have cost you in gas to go pick it up yourself. Shame on you.
What you should do: Tip the fucker on par with everyone else you throw your money at. Would it hurt you so bad to part with two or three dollars to help this guy pay his rent?
Average Tip Percentage: 10% The lowest premium on average, the delivery guy is also the one who faces the most daunting task. He is in a race against time to get your food to you before it gets cold while at the same time donning a moving target atop the roof of his car that indicates that he has cash, food or both in his car at any given time. What are his thanks on a $19.50 order? He is told, "Keep the change." Then a door is slammed in his face. Then he sighs, shuffles back to his car and does it all over again.
CAR WASHES
How many times have you sat and read the paper, wondering what the fuck is taking so long, while a recent immigrant performs one of those "jobs Americans won't do" on your automobile at the car wash? You'd think that in the 20 minutes they spend with a bottle of cleaning solvent and a filthy rag would be enough time to accomplish something, so when they start twirling that rag on their finger and whistling maniacally to indicate that they have finished, you feel inclined to throw a few dollars their way. After all, it's a shitty job and your three dollar tip is likely enough to feed their whole family for a day in whatever hellhole country they're originally from (even though it's really going towards a tallboy of Bud from the 7-E after work). The money changes hands, you get into your car to drive away and when you look down to turn on your radio, you notice that the LCD display wasn't wiped down and is still covered with a layer of dust. You inspect your dashboard and notice that is has only been passively wiped down, leaving streak marks and dust filled corners against the windshield. Checking the floor mats, you notice that while the majority of the dirt has been cleaned, there are still noticeable amounts of filth that shouldn't be there until at least a week after visiting the carwash. When you look outside to find the culprit, you quickly realize that he has blended back in with the rest of his crew hanging out in front of a cinderblock wall. You try to remember if he was the one with the mustache or the other one with the mustache, then decided to forget the whole thing and drive off in a huff.
What you should have done: Since you don't want to be that prick who lords over the whole cleaning process by hanging over the guy's shoulder and pointing to the areas he should be cleaning (if you're gonna go that far you might as well do the job yourself), you have only one move- hold off on the tip until you have inspected the work. Trust me, he'll still be lingering until the second those greenbacks hit his palm. Check the work, see what it's worth, then tip the guy. If he gives even the slightest bit of body language indicating displeasure with your inspecting, fuck him. There's no call for such insubordination. All you're trying to do is determine if he's earned it based on the merit of the work. If he doesn't like it, he can go back to a non-tipping minimum wage job working in a field somewhere. Elitist? Perhaps, but goddammit, it's high time people start pulling their weight at the carwash.
Average Tip Percentage: 20% If you figure the average carwash at around $10 and the average tip around $2 then according to my math you've got a 20% tip. Not bad when the worker takes in 20% of what the owner makes on the deal, especially when they have no overhead such as water, electricity and heavy equipment. That's a pretty good haul for a guy who's only real talent is spinning a squeegee on his finger better than a Harlem Globetrotter. How great would it be if they could learn to spin that fucker on every surface of the car instead?
Posts: 2563 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Seattle, WA
Posted: 3/13/2007 5:51:22 AM
Drug Dealers. Personally, if it's door-to-door service load first. If they truly appreciate your business they will either match and load "one more" before they move along to their next client. If you have to "pick-up", just match and move along. Personally I have a problem paying three figures for an ounce of something that grows in the ground.
"She's a hooker. She hates herself and she hates you even more, so get over it." That sounds like almost everyone of my ex-girlfriends. I drunkenly referred to an Ex as the "Whore of Babylon" when I broke up with her. However, my moral superiority was in question because we broke up after I finger-blasted her room-mate. But I bought the roomie a hot-dog outside a club so "technically" it was a date.
Posts: 1069 Rank: 20 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 3/13/2007 8:46:53 AM
financial transaction either.. that's not to say i haven't excercised questionable judgement around some costa rican local ladies..
another: belhops ok. dude. i just unloaded all of my shit out of my vehicle onto the dolly you brought me (thanks) and you wheeled it to the elevator, rode up with me, cramping my style the whole fucking ride, wheel it into my room, push my bags all onto the floor, and now you want a 5 or 10 spot?? ok here, go get me a makers mark & water at the bar downstairs and keep the change.
Posts: 3005 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 3/13/2007 8:57:18 AM
In Japan there is no tipping and the service was great on all fronts: bellhops, waiters, cab drivers, etc. I actually tried to tip the bellhop when I arrived because I didn't know this and he shook his head "no" and respectfully declined. This seems counterintuitive, but I swear it's true. What are we doing wrong over here?
Posts: 368 Rank: 26 Joined:
2/21/2007
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 3/13/2007 9:36:53 AM
Fucking Genius.
Here's another class of "service providers" you have to tip: The "security guards" in Mexican hotels. If you want to be allowed up to the room of the spring breaker you're trying to bang, you have to slip one of these guys at least $10. It's sort fo like being a pimp, except the slut you're plowing isn't getting a but. I got detained by these guys once. It wasn't a good night.
Posts: 1476 Rank: 17 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 3/13/2007 10:30:42 AM
then they should have the wits to match their good service, to wit, it would have behooved them to realize that i am a cheap bastard who only tips the skanky stripper that deals on the side. delivery people, valets, waitresses, and anyone else expecting a buck can go fuck themselves. unless i'm drunk. then i start spitting out cash like a schizo ATM.
alfalfa- good call on the hotel bouncers. they actually drug me kicking and screaming out of one my hookers rooms just before we got started on the ephedrine cocktails. maricons.
Posts: 15 Rank: 129 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
cardona, GA
Posted: 3/13/2007 10:35:13 AM
i got a gift certificate to a health spa and even though the cash value for the package was like $150 the freaking masseuse actually told me that the average tip was about $20+ right in the middle of my deep tissue. how's that for pressure... and not even a happy ending or nothing.
for some reason i constantly feel obligated to tip my tattoo artist... but that works out for the best since he's the only thing that stands between me and hepetitus... plus i get free lifetime touch-ups...
Posts: 45 Rank: 241 Joined:
12/13/2006
Location:
Salt Lake City, UT
Posted: 3/13/2007 10:39:32 AM
I'm all for firebombing the smelly bastards. Shitty service, in my case is almost violently opposed. Last week, at Iggy's, we barely saw our waiter. We had to stop the fucking manager as he passed our table to beg for our check so we could leave. Bill = $100+ ; Tip = $5.
My great-grandpappy was fuckin nuts. He would leave coupons for tips, good or bad service. He also recorded his corny jokes on tape and then played them back and laugh at himself.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
RESTAURANTS
VALETS 
PIZZA GUY
CAR WASHES
