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MURSE4U
As an ER nurse, one of the most interesting jobs to have is being the triage nurse. Triage is French for "less patient care and more fucking about on the internet." In triage you see it all. You are the first clinician to asses the patient and the severity of their symptoms, then send them to a room to be ignored - partially clothed, cold and alone. Usually you see things like lacerations, sprains, abdominal pain, and fractures. But, the funniest patients are the ones that come in with injuries or problems relating to an oft misguided attempt at pleasuring themselves or partners.
When I first heard about this I thought it would just be run of the mill things like urinary tract infections from fucking in a hot tub, or the occasional rectal foreign body in a bi-curious teenager. Boy was I fucking wrong. By like -- a lot.
Things that I have seen in the vagina -- A list: hot dogs, pocket rockets, pens, pencils, an extra large Marks-A-Lot marker, a tube of Chapstick (cherry flavored), shampoo bottles, a water bottle, a beeper, a dog's chew toy (used), various produce -- such as carrots, cucumbers, bananas, celery, a pickle, even a turnip. The day I see a pineapple I'm hanging up my clogs. To all the female readers: I know you can pass a baby out of there, but that doesn't mean you need to play "Let's see if it will fit." If you are going to put something up your cunt, make sure it has a flared base or at least a goddamn string.
Not your Grandpa's watermelon
One of my favorite lonely female patient stories involves a medium husky girl in her thirties, a dog, and a jar of peanut butter (chunky). This gal wanted some alone time with Fido, so as you might have guessed she smeared some x-tra chunky PB on her baby maker and let the dog go to town. What she failed to anticipate was that her dog would be a little too enthusiastic and actually bite her hatchet wound. See, when most people present in the ER with a dog bite it's usually their hand or leg, not their snatch. The look on her face when I asked her where her dog bit her was absolutely priceless.
Ken aint got shit on me
You may think the women are bad. But the men are way fucking worse. Apparently for a surprising amount of men, some lotion, a few scented candles, a box of tissues and the latest release from Vivid videos just doesn't cut it anymore. I saw a guy who chopped off the tip, and most of his penis trying to fuck an industrial vacuum cleaner. It looked like -- well it looked like a vacuum cleaner ripped his cock off (there is no simile that works, trust me).
I treated a 19-year-old who had second degree burns on his dick because he tried to fuck a microwave chicken pot pie. There were peas and carrots stuck in his pubes, and I will never eat pot pie again. The kicker was that his older sister brought him in. It's one thing to BE a sexually deviant chicken pot pie fucker. It's quite another for your sister to KNOW you are a sexually deviant chicken potpie fucker.
But my personal favorites are when the guys show up with a rectal foreign body that their significant other crammed up there. This is not just a little light ass play and tickle we are talking about here. It's putting something so far up a guy's poop-chute that they can't get it out and require medical assistance to remove said item. Usually it's something like a dildo or a vibrator, which is almost always still vibrating and trickier to remove than you might imagine, but one time I had this guy come in with his girlfriend.
Me: What brings you in today? Her: {Australian accent} He has something in his bum? Me: Excuse me? Him: I have something in my butt. Me: What is it? [Please not another fucking gerbil] Her: A bottle. Me: It's not glass is it? Him: No, it's a shampoo bottle. Me: [Doing mental inventory of the shampoo aisle at Walgreens - bad news all around] How did it get there? [Like I don't already know] Her: We were playing around in the shower. Me: Define "play"? Him: She put it in my ass. Me: Oh. I see. Would you like to have a seat? Him: No. I'll stand.
Lucky for him it was a travel size bottle and we didn't have to turf him to surgery. But on his discharge instructions I put: Refrain from inserting foreign objects in your rectum for 3-5 weeks. For some reason I think that it wasn't going to be a problem.
But my favorite rectal foreign body story is the time that one of my buddy's dad came in with an eight inch black rubber dildo shoved up his beef whistle. I didn't triage or treat him, but I was on shift that night. He came in shortly after midnight and said that it had been up there for about half an hour. I tried to picture his thought process:
Well I just finished the local news; should I watch Leno, Letterman, or cram 8 inches of pseudo black cock up my shitter? Hmm - I think I'll have the cock in the shitter. Uh-oh, I think it's stuck. Should I finish? Well might as well, I mean it's already up there. Why not? HIAWATHA!!!
He drove into the ER by himself (the wife {shocking I know} was out of town, I checked) and that has to be one of the most uncomfortable drives ever. I'm told he tolerated the removal well and thank God he didn't perforate his colon. But what one of my fellow nurses relayed to me was that the dildo had a screw anchor in it which is made to be attached to a strap-on harness. This means his wife pegs him in the ass. Enough so that she needs a harness with multiple attachments. I assume for varieties sake, cause you don't want your ass being violated by your wife to get stale or anything.
My friend's dad likes it in his butt ... a lot. For Christ sakes, he packs his own lunch if you know what I mean (and I think that you do). For all the shit he has given me about my "chick job", I hold the Atomic Weapon of Shame over his head and cannot use it without violating Health Information Privacy and losing my job. But I'm sure that one day we will be drunk and my friend will cross the line and I will have no choice but to drop it on him. I hope that the apple falls far from the sodomy tree. But if it doesn't that would surely explain a couple of things.
What would you do if you knew that your friend KNEW that your dad liked taking backdoor deliveries? Would you be comforted by that fact that at least he lets a woman do it, or would you draw no solace at all? Could you even look him in the eye with the knowledge that what really churns his butter is a black rubber phallus right in his pooper? What would be a good father's day gift? Does Axe make an anal lube?
5 rectally removed foreign bodies falling down stairs
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Post #: 2
Posts: 214 Rank: 21 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
NYC, NY
Posted: 4/25/2007 6:07:09 AM
As a profession foreign body extractor myself I can agree that the shit that people get stuck up their cornholes never stops being funny--NEVER. So glad to see a long time TPP commenter make the big jump to super-writer. If only the rest of us didn't live in fear. Mazel tov Murse.
Posts: 22 Rank: 124 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Chicago, IL
Posted: 4/25/2007 9:34:07 AM
Finally, your thephatphree debut. It's been long in the making. And needless to say, if it were a woman, it would be a bi-sexual woman with tits so huge, stiff and slappable, it would give both Lexington Steele AND the "Insane Cock Brothas" penis envy (yes, I've seen them and wept, just like the Bible predicted in Eph 3: 69-Reverse Cowboy). Your nothing in the rectum for 3-5 weeks and tree of sodomy lines made even my nipples hard enough to cut glass. Good debut and keep 'em, ahem, coming.
P.S. The apple normally doesn't fall far from the tree of sodomy. One of my girls' dad's once walked in on the dirty deed and gave me pointers on how not to perforate the anal canal or induce anal bleeding...then he said something about putting "12-gauges of buckshot in that thing." Unsure if he meant in her butt or in my member, I was out of there quicker than and illegitatmate father with no desire for another child-support check.
Posts: 31 Rank: 191 Joined:
12/12/2006
Location:
Dothan, AL
Posted: 4/25/2007 9:34:10 AM
I have an uncle that is an OBGYN. Before he got his private practice he had to work with "general public" and saw all kinds of retarded shit.
My favorite story is of an old man (60 or so) who came in with a plunger in his ass. He had put the plunger on the edge of his bath tub and was using the shower rod to lift himself up and down onto the plungers stick. The shower rod gave way and the rest is history.
Posts: 127 Rank: 47 Joined:
3/16/2007
Location:
Kansas City, MO
Posted: 4/25/2007 9:37:11 AM
This was excellent. Great job, and good for Charlie D in recognizing funny when he sees's it.
deuce, the fathers day gift for a heiny taken dad....hmmm. Maybe a fetish film and a card saying, "We share your shame Dad, and we love you, but any form of respect is long gone, sicko.”
Posts: 37 Rank: 112 Joined:
1/29/2007
Location:
Pittsburgh, PA
Posted: 4/25/2007 10:01:04 AM
and regarding your closing paragraph - the answer is no, you definitely could not look your father in the eye ever again if you had that kind of information on him.
How are you not supposed to be freaked out anytime you see him slicing a cucumber for a salad, screwing in a light bulb, or even fiddling with the mouse on his PC?... knowing there is a good chance each one of those items at some point has been jacked well into his anal channel?
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