Juan Turlington does not take advantage of the wide array of felonies available to him in American society. Mail Tampering takes such little effort that it makes him feel warm and fuzzy inside. Every other Tuesday, abducted wanderers are snatched from their path, never to find their intended destination. They slowly become "Other People’s Mail." These are their lost, misguided voices.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Greg Valentino is well known for his magnetic smile.
Dear Customer, You have just made the right fucking move. You are going to go all the way, dude. By purchasing The Official Greg Valentino Life Coach Video Series, you have just told the world that you are the type of person that rocks at being awesome. The world is yours to take by the balls, man. I hold the secrets to being number one. I collect inspirational posters from the walls of guidance counselors' offices. From their scriptures, I understand how it all works. Life becomes a one toned Rubik's cube. Now, I will share the code of my life with you because you were smart enough to hand over $270 to purchase this premium series from the Valentino Production Company.
People ask me the same questions all the time. What qualifies me to sell my own life coaching series to the general public? There are two answers to that question. First of all, my arms exploded once from heavy lifting and steroids. Look it up. That has to count for something. I'm not going to get into all of the technical details, but I don't see too many others achieveing such an accomplishment without plastic exposives or alternative detonation devices. The second reason for my qualification is that I personally performed an extremely invasive surgery on my own arms. Most people usually walk away from me after I inform them about these facts. I can only assume that it leaves all questions answered and my qualifications validated.
The Official Greg Valentino Life Coach Video Series features solutions to many of life's most difficult situations. Here are some examples...
Getting Bullied
Do some curls. Do lots of curls and steroids. Throw in a few sets of skull crushers. They call them that name because your arms become actual skull crushing machines if you perform the movements of the exercise correctly. I once crushed the skull of a drifter that spoke unpleasant words in my direction after I requested his bowing in the presence of my arms. Moving on, how does anyone figure out how they are progressing through my program? It's easy. You can monitor your progress by calculating the percentage of people who stop what they're doing and stare at you when you enter a room. Later, when your arms grow beyond what most people label "normal," monitor your progress by determining the percentage of people that vomit when they look at your arms. Have a few protein shakes. A set of curls couldn't hurt. Drink some bat urine and take a serving of Whey Protein. Then, do some more steroids. After that, do some more curls. Then have one encore performance with the steroids and another set of curls with negatives. Then eat a burger and beat a few people up because you can. Try to throw in another set of curls and triceps. Have some violent mood swings. Fake a suicide attempt and fail to recognize that the steroids are slowly driving you out of your fucking mind. Do a few more curls. Eat some Funyuns. Kill the bullies.
People Hounding You to Pay Bills
Let's get one thing straight. I do not wish to come across as redundant. Please automatically add one set of curls and a needle prick to the ass for every single action that I ever tell you to perform. You'll need to hit the triceps too. Find the return address to the company sending you the bill request. Hijack a semi-trailer and crash it through the front of their building. I suggest you jam some extremely loud rock and roll music as you shatter silence in a violent storm of steel, glass, and concrete. Unplug their computers and hope that your account is erased. (Sidenote: If you were intelligent enough to know that this would never work, you wouldn't have bought this program.) It's true. People who bought this program are proven to have extremely low intelligence and struggle with the requirements of life itself. Only eight percent of them are actually literate. Let's get back to my solution for people trying to make a "baller" like you pay bills. Your next step is to celebrate the erasing of your debt by going out for drinks and running up a huge fucking tab. Finish the evening by going home and doing some curls, cap them off with some "roids.
Getting Arrested
It is highly likely that the man will try to take you down once or twice when you become a product of The Official Greg Valentino Life Coaching Series. It has come to my understanding that many of the methods I stress and preach are actually illegal. I guess some of them are felonies. It would be a good idea to not get caught. Anything of that sort would not be in your best interest. In addition, society is knocked off balance when someone becomes a huge, high-rolling son of a prick like you will become after this program. Johnny Law is sure to give you a run for your money. You must be accountable for your actions when you are facing incarceration. You must exude confidence. Don't forget about the triceps, biceps, and steroids. Continue the curls and triceps if you find yourself in the clink. Do your time, but beat up people occasionally to maintain alpha male status. I bet you can guess your next and final action I'm going to instruct you to do. That's fantastic. It means that you're beginning to think like me. You're halfway there. Now, all you have to do is act. Say it with me" Valentino.
Plus Many, Many More Solutions!!!
Once again, Valentino Productions thanks you for your purchase. Just remember, needles belong in asses, not in packages. Go America!
Posts: 1084 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
My Cubicle, CO
Posted: 5/15/2007 1:18:25 PM
While he probably did a bit of roids as well, it was the Synthol (basically oil) he was shooting into his muscles to make them look like that, not steroids.
Posts: 452 Rank: 26 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 5/15/2007 2:34:17 PM
Remember the scene in Indiana Jones Temple of Doom, when they open up the big snake and a shit-load of little ones start pouring out? That is what I am expecting to happen next in the first pic. In the last pic, it looks like his left arm is fucking pregnant and his right arm is deflating.
Posts: 1946 Rank: 5 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 5/15/2007 2:38:27 PM
we waited all morning for these articles. I've been getting more entertainment from DLamp, TLamp, Ant and Christine in the other threads.
Juan - The article had a lot of potential, and it seemed like right when you were primed for the killer metaphor or simile, you shit the bed instead. It almost seems like you rushed through writing this without giving any consideration to the potential comedy this piece had. I still gave you a 3.
Posts: 2 Rank: 316 Joined:
4/7/2007
Location:
Kansas City, KS
Posted: 5/15/2007 2:38:28 PM
Valentino's life is a tragic comedy all by itself. Go look up the story about him creating bowel art on newspaper in the back of a bus full of mentally challenged kids.
It was pretty traumatic for us.. I mean, for those poor kids.
work on my shuttlecock? I would think a career in pornography would be in my future if I can inject oil in my manhood to make it look like the incredible hulk's.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
