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Dear all guys that excessively wear Superman shirts and/or have Superman tattoos,
In the past, I used to take all of the merchandising shit surrounding me as a compliment. The sight of my symbol randomly speckled throughout a crowd of cheering fans made me feel important, heroic, and most importantly rich as hell from all of the royalties. Not that I really need money. I'm fucking Superman. I once flew around the planet so fast I traveled back in time. I can shoot heat rays out of my eyes and have x-ray vision. But sometimes it's easier when the cash just gets sent to me.
Anyway, I must say that I am getting quite tired of the people I see representing the "S" these days. One can only handle the sight of a morbidly obese fanboy sporting their digs for so long. I don't wear a suit with hamburgers, dragons, and pictures of guys not getting laid on it. I understand that those are your things; hence, I give you that respect. Saving the world, being awesome, and flying all over the fucking planet, are my things, so put down your hot dog and change your fucking shirt. If you are considering a reply with a nasty objection to my request, I want you to remember one thing; I can easily take a deep breath, blow on you, and freeze your fucking ass into the first ice sculpture ever to suffer from acne. That would be because I am Superman, and you, my friend, are a useless wad of gorilla shit that only breathes because I have chosen not to inhale all of the oxygen in the world.
Let's move on. Besides clothing, I have noticed a steady increase in the amount of Superman tattoos out and about. I don't even have a Superman tattoo and I'm mother-fucking Superman. I have narrowed the group down to the assholes who piss me off the most... meatheads at the gym. You may have big muscles and a tiny spaghetti-strapped tank-top, but you are still nowhere close to being "super." Are you trying to make a point? I must say, I was never under the impression that a tattoo needle had magical powers. Maybe I should try and get Lois Lane inked with a tattoo of a woman that doesn't act like a sexually-cold, unsupportive bitch whenever I try to arrange a threesome with Wonder Woman. Something tells me that she'd still be a sexually-unadventurous hag that labels me a pervert whenever I routinely make the suggestion. The only difference would be that she'd have a new fucking tattoo. She'll still throw dishes at me and try to enroll us in couples' counseling. The point I'm trying to make is that you can get the Superman "S" tatted all over your fucking body in different colors and fonts, but you're still a fucking jackass that isn't Superman. Deal with it, fuckface.
One should have to pass a short series of tests before they are permitted to get a Superman tattoo. First, race a bullet. I'll shoot a gun, and you can run next to the bullet and see who wins. How does that sound? If you happen to outrun the bullet, the next test is to pull a big fucking train all over the country. Once you're finished with that, you should be warmed-up enough to leap over a tall building in a single bound. That seems like a fair deal. It's too bad that you are a piece of shit with no prayer of accomplishing such tasks. This is because these are all Superman tasks, not "guy at the gym with a poser tattoo" tasks. Your current abilities of benching 315, chewing with your mouth open, and smelling like eggs dipped in poop, seem to fall a little short of my requirements. However, your attributes easily place you as a great candidate for the ever-popular tribal band tattoo. I can smell your excitement already. Do you wonder how I can do that? It's because I'm fucking Superman, retard.
Posts: 410 Rank: 14 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
Denver, CO
Posted: 6/26/2007 9:52:01 AM
The "in" thing for all the jocks in my high school was to get superman tattoo's. I have ran into at least 3 of them that wish they didn't have it. Come to think of it I have only ran into 3 jocks from high school since I graduated.
Posts: 916 Rank: 9 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 6/26/2007 9:55:58 AM
"...freeze your fucking ass into the first ice sculpture ever to suffer from acne."
Perfect.
Thank you for writing this article. There is a group of three guys at my gym that all work out together who all have the Superman tatt on their right arms. They're like a club or something. "The Superdouches". They wear Zuba work out pants and everything. I hate them.
Posts: 24 Rank: 76 Joined:
6/20/2007
Location:
Norristown, PA
Posted: 6/26/2007 10:06:06 AM
I wish I had talked to you earlier. I used to have a 'Barb Wire' Tatoo on my upper arm but when that got corny and I realized that it was actually a design intended for a chick I got a Superman logo put over it, so now I have an 'S' wrapped in fading green barbed wire.
It has been called to my attention that I am a prick.
Posts: 39 Rank: 20 Joined:
5/11/2007
Location:
St. Louis, MO
Posted: 6/26/2007 10:18:05 AM
My 16th level thief/swashbuckler would straight up smoke your ass--and it doesn't matter if it's in Greyhawk or on mother fucking Krypton. Oh yeah, nice tights, snake charmer.
Posts: 726 Rank: 7 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 6/26/2007 10:22:05 AM
*cough*
sweet purple & yellow "lakers" superman logo, douche-fuck.
no, not the ones embroidered in the seats of your 45 cars that you can't fit in, i'm talking about the one stitched onto your bed.
what's with the arm, shoulder, bicep locations for the tattoo? quit being such a fucking pussy and tattoo that shit on your chest. what's that? oh, right. i guess you wouldn't be able to shave it for a month.
general hate in this article, but really could you have picked an easier target. Superman fans are comic book losers, or former comic book losers who got beat up one too many times and decided to go the route of roids and non-stop lifting. That said, you killed it - 5.
Why don't more people have Robin or Aquaman tatoos??
Posts: 572 Rank: 12 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Buffalo, NY
Posted: 6/26/2007 10:56:56 AM
I hate to be a prick to one of my boys here but the tribal band is no better than the superman S. Sorry buddy.
Speaking of regretable tats how many of you know people with the "Goldberg Tat." Nobody without delts like his should be sporting that. My landlord actually has that tat on the back of his calf it looks sooooo fucking dumb.
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