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Mommy dearest.
My mom is Jenna Jameson. So what? It’s no big deal. Yes, I can admit that my mom is a nice-looking woman. No, I would not do my mom. I should kick you in the teeth for even asking me that. It’s really not that different having her for my mom than anyone else. She fixes me meals, checks my homework, and gives me advice. She is usually undergoing a gangbang while she performs these tasks, but time and massive exposure have made me numb. II have began to accept it all as “normal.” It takes a certain amount of talent for one to flip pancakes while reverse-cowgirling a fat, balding, middle-aged man.
Mom knows lots of guys with greasy hair and mustaches. I have resorted to naming them with numbers, preceded by the word “Mustache Dad.” It is way easier than trying to remember all those names. It’s also far better calling the man who is courting your mother “Mustache Dad 14,” than calling him by his “real” name, Joey Fingerblast McAsspounder.
My mustache dads wear cool sunglasses and smell like smoke. Most of them are pretty cool, but there are exceptions. I am not particularly fond of Mustache Dad 32. He nicknamed me “Ashtray” and continually put cigarettes out on my forehead. Mustache Dad 17 and Mustache Dad 28 may be my favorites. They have sweet blue Camaros with flames painted on the doors. The rest of them have red ones. Each of my mustache dads have taught me important lessons that I will always cherish. Did you know if you dismount a woman too fast, you can bump and even damage the boom microphone? I even know what a “fluffer” is. Do you? Should I?
Another great thing about my mom is that she always took the time to play with me. Most of my friends were never allowed over because their mothers hated my mom. My friends’ dads would always try to bring them over anyway, but they were so scatter-brained that they always seemed to forget my friends. It never made much sense to me, but mom always kept me company. I remember the time when I was playing G.I. Joe and I found some fake snow in her purse. It was awesome. I took out the obvious action figure for the mission, Snow Job. Yes, there was a G.I. Joe character named Snow Job and I haven’t the slightest clue how they got away with that one. Mom loved that Snow Job, but she could never get his name right.
Anyway, I was pushing Snow Job through the toy snow when mom came in on a set break. She was so funny. She bent over and whisked all of the toy snow right up her nose and began laughing hysterically. She is such a silly lady! Mommy-Vacuum-Cleaner-Nose is my favorite character that she does! Dizzy Fall-Down Mumble Mommy is a great one as well. It seems like she would do anything to make me laugh.
Mom let me get my first tattoo when I was six. For some reason, I chose to get one of Elmo. Obviously, that became one of the most-used reasons for kids to beat me up throughout my school-age years, coming in only second to not taking pictures of my mom in the shower for bullies. You would think that there were enough nude pictures of my mom readily available. At least the Elmo beatings subsided when I finally got some horns inked on him. He now looks like Satan. People give me high fives because of it now.
El Porno Mustacho Padre
It seems like it’s always a party when you have Jenna Jameson for a mom. She has her girlfriends to the house for sleepovers all the time. They love chocolate and usually devour several boxes of it each evening. Some nights I have even heard them talk about devouring over sixty-nine boxes. You should hear them yell and moan about it! I bet they eat countless boxes of the most delicious chocolate ever! They never stop. The screams last all night.
“Oh, eat that box!”
“Put your whole box in my mouth.”
He talked about boxes all the time too. Big deal.
“Your box tastes great!”
Boy, do they love those parties! They use lots of whipped cream too. Mom even has her own toy box that they use. Buzz buzz buzz. All of mom’s toys are very loud and sound like lawnmowers. No wonder my PSP is always missing its batteries. Those sleepovers are so cool. Maybe one time they’ll forget to lock the door and I can get a box of candy with some whipped cream on it. Mmmmmm. I’d eat as many boxes as I could.
I guess the real reason that so many people make fun of me about my mom being Jenna Jameson, is because they are jealous. They don’t have mustache-dads with Camaros, or vacuum-cleaner impersonations, or even sweet, tough-guy devil tattoos and all-night candy parties. I guess I’d be jealous too.
The Erin Express in Philly this past Saturday = me spending some serious time reflecting where my life is heading.
Joey Fingerblast McAsspounder
Hey kid,
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Posted: 3/14/2006 9:51:47 AM
Go downstairs and get me and mustache dad 26 a couple of beers. The daddy's need to get warmed up to play hide the salami with mommy. We'd invite you, but the Snow Job fairy has come to play as well and you guys would get along. Now, hustle!!!
Christine
Thanks
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Posted: 3/14/2006 10:05:32 AM
Now I am totally creeped out by my dad and his porn mustache. I still love you though.
Tom, did you have anything to do with the parade? Did you go to it, or did you just get plastered?
Tom A
Mr. McAsspounder
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Posted: 3/14/2006 10:19:19 AM
Are you of the County Cork McAsspounders?
Juan's mom is not Jenna J.; it would have to be Juenna J.
deuce
well researched
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Posted: 3/14/2006 10:23:57 AM
every porn-stache & box joke rolled into one article. congratulations, stiffler.
Tom A
Oh, And
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Posted: 3/14/2006 10:36:00 AM
the girl in the pic has a nice rack.
Milton
Reminds
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Posted: 3/14/2006 10:43:09 AM
me of going to one of her clubs in Scottsdale. It pretty much sucked but we had a laugh at the college idots that kept asking the bouncers if she was going to show up. Standard response was: "yeah, she'll be here. But if you act like your spending a lot of money and the gilrs are all over you then you might get lucky and meet her."
These dumbasses blew their college fund trying to impress a woman that wasn't even in the state.
God bless the power of porn......and a stud mustache!
Milton
Hey Tom
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Posted: 3/14/2006 10:44:01 AM
I hate to point out the obvious...but thats Jenna.
Atlas
Juan
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Posted: 3/14/2006 10:59:57 AM
Thanks again, your shit always cracks me up. Eating boxes of chocolate, funny.
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