Every other Friday, resident Marine & entertainment reviewer, Joaquim Harold “Napalm” Jones, Gy. Sgt. USMC (Ret.) , takes a look at the shit flung on screens and out of stereos.
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How can I put this nicely... George Lopez was a brown stain in the underpants of television that has finally been blasted with oxyclean. That's right, ABC finally canceled that puss-y sore before it had a chance to permanently bury itself in the taint of American culture. It's not that I don't like Latino comedy, either. Cheech Marin can definitely stay, and I can even handle Paul Rodriguez in small doses. But we're talking about ABC here. The same network that in the past not only banked on the latin comedy stylings of George Lopez, but Freddy Prinze Jr. as well. Seriously, I'd be surprised if that guy even knew what a refried bean looked like. I mean, he played Fred in Scooby Doo for fuck's sake. That's like the third whitest character in movie history. It goes Derek Vinyard, George McFly, Fred Jones, then Johnny" I Am An FBI Agent" Utah and finally Patrick Bateman. You can't have a show about the plight of affluent latinos when you've played on of the top five whitest characters in creation. By that logic Danny Trejo should be the chief resident on "ER" and Ben Stein should be starring as El Toro Macho in Mi Vida Loca Dos. And don't even get me started on George Lopez. If you ever seen what is looks like when you put sulfuric acid in a bassette hound's eye then you know what it feels like to stare at Lopez's warped mug for a half an hour. Lopez couldn't beat one of Edward James Olmos' dirt filled face divots in a beauty contest, and that's just what I think about his show with the sound off. Turning the sound up will only lead you to a series of "take my wife please", "crazy mother in-law" and "my kids are so lazy" jokes that will leave you begging for According to Jim to come on 25 minutes early. But if you didn't already know that then consider yourself lucky, because Lopez is no more. In fact his show sucked so bad he is getting replaced by the Geico Caveman. ABC not only thinks a fucking Cro-Magnon is easier on the eyes, but that an insurance company can make 30 seconds have more laughs than Lopez can with a whole half an hour. Lopez was frustrated and shocked by the cancellation stating that he was "kicked out for a fucking caveman" and that "TV just became really, really white again." Newsflash George, Walt Disney, Les Moonves, Rupert Murdoch and General Electric have always been white and they are television. And the Geico Caveman is like the retired babyboomer waiting for the ambulance to pull up to the retirement community and the vacancy sign to go on so he can have your bed while the sheets are still warm. Now if we could just find a way to pull the life support on Carlos Mencia as well then latin Americans could finally go back to having some respect for themselves.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill!
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby.
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass.
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch.
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
In the immortal words of Shane McMahon's theme music, "Here comes the money!" If Spidey's opening weekend total wasn't enough of an abomination for you then you certainly don't want to know what the Canadian born ogre with the Scottish accent will pull in. But if you are expecting something spectacular from the movie itself, then think again. This time around Shrek has an NBA all-star of a problem: an unwanted pregnancy with Fiona. That combined with the constant pressure of being in the spotlight as the king has lead our hero on a journey to find the only other possible successor to the thrown of Far Far Away, Justin Timberlake. That's right. You can't forget that the voices for this thing were recorded ages ago when Cameron "Ugly but fuckable" Diaz was still banging T-Lake. Regardless, (or as George Lopez would say, regartlass) our Jolly Green Giant hero is once again accompanied by his companions The Ghost Of The Funny Eddie Murphy and my favorite stripper outfit, Puss N Boots as they romp through predictable jokes that seem likely only to please baby boomers that need to die or retire so generation X and Y can stop working as Taco Bell managers. The only mildly interesting new addition to this trite fairy tale world is the Heathers like riot grrrls posse that is formed by Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, and Rapunzel. Of course this angle plays out like the best SNL sketch from 2004, which is really just a nice way of saying that it blew ass. Personally I would have brought in Jasmine, Mulan, Esmerelda and Pocohontas as the Sharks to white princesses' Jets and let them all duke it out in a nasty knife fight in baby oil. But of course Dreamworks Animation beats the shit out a great idea like a 40 year actress walking into Phil Spector's house on a Tuesday. Regardless of the fact that this film is animated or about fairy tale characters, my opinion is that if you don't have an AARP card this movie will bore the living shit out of you.
PPPp
Fuck you Johnny Depp! And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. It was bad enough that you were a teen heartthrob in your "21 Jump Street" days. Even when I was at the peak of my physical conditioning I couldn't have gotten into jeans that tight with out a bucket of Crisco and a shoe horn. Honestly, my only satisfaction back then was watching you get your guts sprayed all over the ceiling by that melty faced retarded alien from "V". Then you not only did you get every chick's bean & sleeve soggy with your good looks, but you actually learned how to act with performances like Gilbert Grape and Donnie Brasco. In fact, you got so good that you ceased even having to look good in films to get women's attention. It is frightening that women will pummel their penis huts to you even when you look like a cross between Doc Holiday, Rollie Fingers and Neil Young in movies like The Ninth Gate, Fear And Loathing and Secret Window. And as if my complex wasn't bad enough you bought the coolest nightclub in Hollywood, married a super model and then annexed a small country. I mean who the fuck owns their own island at 37? You really aren't giving the rest of even a fighting chance here, are you?
And just in case I didn't feel completely like dragging a rusty nail vertically along my femoral artery, you have now combined the total package of cool clothes, bad facial hair, great acting and a waifishly hot chick that makes Nicole Richie look fat again all under one giant family friendly tent pole that will probably net you gabillions. Fuck you Johnny Depp. And I still mean that from the bottom of my heart. You give me nothing to hate except Orlando Bloom and that is way too easy a target. These are the days when I wish Don Simpson was still around. He would have had Bruckenheimer doing speedballs and directing snuff films by now instead of bending over to see how far he could shove a pair of mouse ears up his ass, which would have left you, Mr. Depp, without this career defining vehicle. But with Keith Richards in tow this time as your pops I guess the spirit of Dangerous Don is at least partially represented on the set.
Oh, I suppose you are wondering what I think about the actual movie itself? Well, it goes a little something like this; action sequence, confusing plot element, special effect, joke, action sequence, double entendre, bad plot twist, special effect, action sequence, out of place pop culture reference, Johhny Depp smirks, action sequence, special effect, swordfight, confusing plot point number two, action sequence, and finally a decent looking special effect. And that is just the first ten minutes. Basically, baddie Barbarso teams up with O-town Bloom and Flatty McChesty Gone to rescue Capt. Jack from Davy Jones Locker then Chow Yun Fat gets his Mandarin Pirate minus any double gun John Woo Killer style. And of course this epic three pack has more happy endings than SuLin's Masotherapy Spa or the Lord Of The Rings Trilogy just to ensure that when little kids watch the DVD 6 times in a row you will definitely not feel bad about locking them in the car on a hot day with the power windows rolled up and a hose running into the trunk from the exhaust. Oh, and did I mention that this movie has so much Johnny Depp that there are literally Johnny Depp clones in this flick tripping all over themselves. Fuck you, Johnny Depp. Fuck you and your dopplegangers, your itty bitty tittied co-star, your personal French island, your good looks, your Midwest charm, your stupid bankroll, and the fact that I actually kinda liked this movie. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
1. In honor of "The War At Home" & "George Lopez" finally being cancelled I officially declare this Bad Sitcom Day. So in honor of this new holiday please tell me how hilarity would ensue if you were trapped in an elevator with any tv character or real person or TPP reader of your choosing.
2. Caption this.
3. Who is the female equivalent of Johnny Depp? She looks great, can actually act and you aren't phased when she looks like shit in a movie.
Posts: 453 Rank: 32 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 5/18/2007 7:52:21 AM
1. I was actually in an elevator with Bruce Willis once when I was seventeen, and I was such a Star-stroked bitch that I could not say a fucking word. I just pointed at him and gave him a thumbs up. I am soo ashamed of my school-girl reaction! He was actually really cool, gave me a patronizing pat on the shoulder and smile on his way out of the elevator.
2. Jewish youth die horrible deaths at the hands of their mothers, shortly after taking pictures with slutty-dressed non-jewish girls.
3. Christina Ricci. She is hot, in a weird kind of way. She's been a decent actress since the days of Wednesday Adams. I had major wood for most of Black Snake Moan. What can I say? I love trailer whores!
5 sold out Johnny Depps falling down stairs chasing cash
()
Post #: 6
Posts: 558 Rank: 18 Joined:
5/11/2007
Location:
St. Louis, MO
Posted: 5/18/2007 10:14:23 AM
1. Christine Sullivan is pregnant with Tony Giuliano's baby and I have to deliver it! Strangely, when we're rescued from the elevator no one will be covered in blood or afterbirth.
1. In one corner of the elevator, I listen to JD Salinger discuss his long awaited 4th novel. In another corner Briana Banks takes on a large man. 3rd corner Woody Allen pitches his next project to the camera, and in the 4th corner Stanley Jordan takes a guitar solo.
2. A little boy asks his dad for $50 to buy a toy, dad says: "40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for?"
3. Kate Winslet, her resume is already strong and she's only in her early 30's. Heavenly Creatures, Eternal Sunshine, Finding Neverland, Titanic, Quills, Sense and Sensibility, and last year's best film Little Children. Alltime nominees? Paul Newman and Elizabeth Taylor.
You can stop saying "what can I say" for beginners. Napalm you have a real hard on for Depp huh? that was a great read but kind of weird reading about your man crush. Then your 3rd Napalm of the week even states that he looks great, is a great actor and you love him no matter what.
Get a grip man!
But I would have to say Theron is easy on the eyes and has been a great actress.
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In the immortal words of Shane McMahon's theme music, "Here comes the money!" If Spidey's opening weekend total wasn't enough of an abomination for you then you certainly don't want to know what the Canadian born ogre with the Scottish accent will pull in. But if you are expecting something spectacular from the movie itself, then think again. This time around Shrek has an NBA all-star of a problem: an unwanted pregnancy with Fiona. That combined with the constant pressure of being in the spotlight as the king has lead our hero on a journey to find the only other possible successor to the thrown of Far Far Away, Justin Timberlake. That's right. You can't forget that the voices for this thing were recorded ages ago when Cameron "Ugly but fuckable" Diaz was still banging T-Lake. Regardless, (or as George Lopez would say, regartlass) our Jolly Green Giant hero is once again accompanied by his companions The Ghost Of The Funny Eddie Murphy and my favorite stripper outfit, Puss N Boots as they romp through predictable jokes that seem likely only to please baby boomers that need to die or retire so generation X and Y can stop working as Taco Bell managers. The only mildly interesting new addition to this trite fairy tale world is the Heathers like riot grrrls posse that is formed by Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, and Rapunzel. Of course this angle plays out like the best SNL sketch from 2004, which is really just a nice way of saying that it blew ass. Personally I would have brought in Jasmine, Mulan, Esmerelda and Pocohontas as the Sharks to white princesses' Jets and let them all duke it out in a nasty knife fight in baby oil. But of course Dreamworks Animation beats the shit out a great idea like a 40 year actress walking into Phil Spector's house on a Tuesday. Regardless of the fact that this film is animated or about fairy tale characters, my opinion is that if you don't have an AARP card this movie will bore the living shit out of you.
