Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Sport at its finest
I used to be like you. Just an ordinary guy with an ordinary life. That is, until the fall of 2004. It was then I became a god.
Last year started out like any other for me. Broken resolutions, Valentine’s Day dinner with my mother and lonely nights with nothing but a bowl of Jell-O. Times were tough, really tough. Then I came across something that would change my life forever.
I was surfing the internet looking for pornography I hadn’t seen already when I stumbled across an ad for the 2004 Rock Paper Scissors World Championships in Toronto. I was enthralled. This was it, this was my big chance. A chance to finally make my mark in this world.
So I got to work right away. I honed my skills against my cousins and a few months later it was off to Canada. First prize? Seven grand Canadian! I had never dreamed such fortunes were out there. I had my eyes on the prize.
Early on I was sizzling. It was a single elimination tournament and I was blowing through the competition. Before I knew it, there I was in the Final Four. It all happened so fast – fans started chanting my name, girls were looking at me and I even got approached by an agent. This was my time!
That day I went on to win the World Championship and scored an amazing nickname too. I became known as Lee “Throwing the Damage” Rammage. Life was good. I had seven grand in my pocket and when I got home I moved out of my aunt’s garage and got my own pad. I got a whole new wardrobe and a swagger too. I had finally arrived.
One of many women I had
Someone once told me that a man at the top has nowhere to go but down. Well I humiliated that man in a RoShamBo throwdown right in front of his kids. Pasted him! However, now I wish I had listened to him. He was right. I went down - hard.
First it was the women. I now had my pick of the litter and I wanted it all. Rock Paper Scissors may not be widely known for its groupie scene, but take it from me, it exists and it’s hardcore. Sure, they may not be the prettiest gals in the world but let’s just say they like it all three ways – rock, paper and scissors. Get my drift?
There’s just one problem though, when a woman allows you to defile her in so many unthinkable ways there’s no going back. Ordinary sex just doesn’t cut it anymore. These days I can’t get into it unless there’s a shoehorn, meat hook and cricket paddle involved while an ostrich watches.
Some fuckin' serious shit
Not long after that, the drugs took hold. I had developed arthritis in my wrist from challenging everyone I met to a duel. It got so bad I had to see a doctor and he prescribed me Tylenol with Codeine. This was the beginning of my demise. Despite strict instructions not to, I started mixing a half-glass of wine with my pills. It was heavy. I had never felt so high, not even when I won the world championship.
It turns out that Tylenol was a gateway drug. Next up was Vicotin, then marijuana. After that I skipped a few steps and moved right on to heroin. After a while I lost my edge. I couldn’t beat a third grader anymore. I was washed up, a has-been less than a year after my greatest accomplishment.
Not everyone is meant to be a rock star, or more specifically a rock paper scissors star. It’s easy to get caught up in the fame and fortune of it all. These days I’m right back where I started. Turns out seven grand Canadian doesn’t go as far as you’d think it would. But I’ll always have the memories… oh, and the herpes too. They’re not going anywhere.
I went to see one of those Rock, Paper, Scissors competitions a year or so ago. The fierce competition, the sweat and anguish, the foul languagh, the babes.Truely a sport for the gods.
The championship match will forever be on my mind: Sasha "Bad-Apple" Makivinovich Vs. Ralf "The Magician" McKentyre in hard-core best out of 20. The first five rounds were the basic Rock takes Paper, etc. But at the sixth the unthinkable happened, McKentyre pulled out a Magic Wand against Makivinovich's Scissors. Makivinovich claimed that there was no such thing as a "Magic Wand" the crowd was astonished by that claim, McKentyre insisted that it does in fact exist but was only used by the sages of old. Makivinovich went rampant, he took a steel chair and smashed in McKentyre's head, McKentyre countered by swinging a sledgehammer into Makivinovich's stomach. Hell broke loss, they started fighting in the crowd, outside, the local libraries, and on an elephant. Eventually they arrived to a quaint fish restaurant, that's when McKentyre used the Magic Wand and casted a lv. 3 fire spell, Makivinovich burned to a crisp and McKentyre was the triumphant victor, proving that Magic Wand does exist.
Greatest match ever, man! Great article, by the way.
Ashley
Funny, but...
()
Post #: 2
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 11/30/2005 1:57:04 PM
Vicotin? Check your PDR again, my friend...if you know what that is.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Posts: 
