 | The Man of the day |
St. Patrick, the patron saint of Alcoholism, is one of Christianity's most widely known figures. But for all his celebrity, his life remains somewhat of a mystery. Many of the stories traditionally associated with St. Patrick, including the famous account of his drinking an entire cast of Jamison, are false, the products of hundreds of years of exaggerated storytelling.
Taken Prisoner By Irish Raiders
It is known that St. Patrick was born in Britain to wealthy parents near the end of the fourth century. At the age of sixteen, Patrick was taken prisoner by a group of Irish raiders who were attacking his family's estate. They transported him to Ireland where he spent six years developing and mastering the famous drinking game, Asshole. During this time, he worked as a forced laborer on a potato farm. Lonely and afraid, he turned to stout ale for solace, and became a devout Christian.
Guided By Visions
After more than six years as a prisoner, Patrick escaped. During his escape, Patrick fell and hit his head on a pot of gold, and according to his writing, a voicewhich he believed to be God'sspoke to him, telling him it was time to focus on his calling. It was then that God gave him the recipe for Guinness.
To find a place where he could start a new brewery away from his captors, Patrick walked nearly 200 miles from County Mayo, where it is believed he was held, to the Irish coast. After escaping to Britain, Patrick reported that he experienced a second revelationin a dream he introduced Asshole to three angels who summarily defeated him and said, return to Ireland and make that beer God told you about, asshole. Soon after, Patrick began building his brewery brick by brick, a task that lasted more than fifteen years.
 | God's Beer? |
The Harp, 17 and 59
Familiar with the Irish language and culture, Patrick chose to incorporate traditional symbols into his marketing campaign instead of attempting to eradicate the native Irish people. For instance, he used a harp on the bottles to celebrate U2's the Edge. He also superimposed the numbers 17 and 59 in the labeling- 17, a number all Irish people believe is magical, and 59, which mean delicious in Gaelic. This is the origin of the popular and distinctly Irish phrase, magically delicious. Not surprisingly, it wasnt long before the Irish people fell in love with Patrick and his concoction.
Living It Up
Patrick soon became a celebrity in Ireland. He was hanging out at all the hot pubs and witch burnings. He became big in the artist's circles for his hard drinking and great stories. He was a good friend of Oscar Wilde, whose famous novel, "The Picture of Dorian Gray," is actually a retelling of one of Patrick's favorite drinking stories.
Patrick was also a hit with the ladies. They loved him because of his spectacular beard and thick penis. He married the Queen of Ireland and became the first British-born King- this is how Ireland came under British rule. But the party came to an abrupt end.
The Tragic End
On March 17th 460AD, Patrick was killed in a freak juggling accident at an IRA fundraiser. As his body was paraded through the villages in a wheeled barrow, people would look out and say, Say it aint Patrick. This was eventually shortened to Saint Patrick, and the day, Saint Patricks Day. As they say, the rest is history.
So raise a Guinness today and toast Patrick, the man who made this day possible.
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