Performed all over the world, Snow Angeling is a pastime that can be enjoyed by participants of all ages. Scoring would be based on symmetry, style, and degree of difficulty. The Hindus would dominate this event due to the gorgeous and many-armed Snow Shivas they create.

Participants chug frozen drinks. Scoring is based on amount consumed, time, and the number of swear words strung together following the drinking.

An endurance event, the Sack Drag takes place on the Figure Skating ice. A participant wears a special suit that allows their apple bag to hang freely. The competitors must skate laps with their bare scrotum on the ice. When the beanbag loses contact with the ice, the competitor’s distance is measured. The Split is the most common position, but in backyard games, the Schleberman Squat has gained popularity in recent years.

Typically a childhood game, Snow Forting on the Olympic level would require an understanding of engineering currently lacking from the games.

Judged based on urethramanship and total word count, Urine Scribe is really a competition of artistry and control. It is rumored that there is a man in Russia who once transcribed the first 18 pages of Tolstoy’s The Forged Coupon.

This event requires participants to button a nine-buttoned winter parka while wearing gloves for time.

A knowledge of human anatomy is a benefit in this event, but not required. It’s not judged on the anatomical accuracy of the snowman/woman, but rather on the style and size of the snow genitals.

In this contest, participants slide a handled stone across the ice while two other guys sweep imperfections out of the path with tiny brooms. The goal is to get your stones closer to a painted dot than the other team.

Sorry, that is just stupid- What? That’s a real event?! Get the fuck outta here. I don’t believe you.

It’s a marathon, but on the ice. And at the end the competitors are mauled by a Polar Bear.

Players race to see who can kill the most baby seals in 40 minutes. The winner gets to club a human baby on the medal stand.

The Biathlon is Cross-Country Skiing and Marksmanship. The Triathlon takes it up a notch by first adding an element of survival. Participants attempt to shoot each other rather than targets. Then, to really add excitement, the survivors of the first two events engage in a Circle Jerk on to a Klondike Bar.