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Inspired by Carol�s article �Paris Hilton, I Hate You,� I have decided to do a minute by minute review of the infamous Paris Hilton sex tape. I know this is old news, but hey...
Like most people, the first bits of this tape I saw were the short green-tinted night vision segments that spread on the internet just before the premier of �The Simple Life.� At that point, I had no idea who the fuck Paris Hilton was aside from a tragically named rich girl. Since that time, I have grown to loath Paris Hilton, and everything she stands for � meaningless celebrity, spoiled rich kids, ugly hands, etc.
Well, I have 37 minutes to cover so let�s get started.
00:00: The video starts without intro or explanation with a fade in on Paris� nude torso and wall-eyed pubescent boobies filling the screen. It�s an odd scene. She is alone and seems to be confused, or in awe of herself - probably both. The first 30 seconds of it are just weird but toward the end it gets a bit creepy.
She moves the camera up to her face. Her trademark vacant stare is unsettling � her jaw is slack as she breaths through her mouth like a hairless primate. It is a bizarre scene of narcissism or discovery, I can�t decide which as they seem equally probable.
00:53: Suddenly the video cuts to night-vision and it takes me a second to make out what I am seeing. Is that� yep it�s an erect penis. Jesus. I�ll spare you the screen shot. It is her tool boyfriend holding his knob. Paris is still filming. The camera must automatically switch to night-vision when it is dark because there is no way she figured that out. NO WAY! So, ass clown is sitting on the bed wearing only a robe, stroking his stiffy while Paris giggles like retard. FAST FORWARD.
02:35: This night vision thing is totally not sexy! It is like watching two Unincredible Hulks bump uglies. And the weird black shark eyes � freaky. So now they are fucking� Well, let me rephrase that. My friend Justin once said �you aren�t �fucking� unless the penis comes all the way out before it goes back in. Anything less is scrumping or screwing or having sex.� So they are having sex. It�s still in night vision so it looks more like an unripe banana, two watermelons and an Umpa-Lumpa hand in a kaleidoscope. Neither of them speak as they both grunt and moan in the most unerotic mix of sound ever recorded.
04:36: Still night vision� They have now setup the camera on top of the TV, I think so they can watch themselves while they make a mockery of the human reproductive process. The Incredible Dork is laying on the bed with Paris off camera somewhere probably trying to remember how to breathe. Zzzz. She pops her empty head on screen and says �hi.� It is uncanny how much she sounds like a retard. Uncanny. She finally climbs back on the bed, and insists on going reverse cowboy because she wants to see� herself.
05:30: The most excitement so far as Paris� cell phone rings and she stops to see who it is! This is the least inspired session of sex I have ever witnessed. I am really starting to feel bad for this dude. I mean he is trying to get his groove on and this dumb cooz is answering her phone.
06:38: STILL IN NIGHT VISION! Now it�s doggy-style. Still dark. Still green. Still terrible. Tony asks Paris if she wants him in the shot and she says, �just me.� This is so boring. It should be a rule that you cannot make your own porn unless you have actually watched one.
09:30: I think they were officially fucking for a second there. What�s-his-face even smacked her ass once. Paris is almost totally silent except for the occasional quiet moan. This is disgraceful. She isn�t even moving. What a terrible lay.
10:21: Billy stops and lies down on the bed so Paris can get on top and, �see how beautiful she looks.� Maybe he�s hoping that if she can see herself on the TV she will actually move a little bit. That doesn�t really work. Paris can�t see her own face because the camera is pointed too low. Back to doggy-style. Jesus Christ. FAST FORWARD.
18:30: Will the night vision ever end? Paris is now laying her stomach polishing his knob. I think it is safe to say that Paris is better at championship level chess than she is a giving head. Is there anything this girl does well? This is also the first appearance of Paris� disgusting hands. How is it that a spoiled bitch like Paris Hilton has the hands of a 50-year-old car mechanic? Awful.
My favorite moment so far! This is a priceless exchange that takes place while Paris is still smoking his pole:
Paris: I don�t like doing this. Teddy: I don�t care. [Unintelligible] I wanna come real quick. Paris: Un-uh. Teddy: Yeah. Paris: Then go jackoff. Teddy: (laughing) You�re a fuckin scumbag, bitch. Go jackoff. (laughs) Suck it.
These two are so classy.
To stave off my bordem during this section of the tape I tried to figure out who the comedian doing standup on the hotel TV was. It was reported by some tabloids that it was Chris Rock, but it is definitely not. How do I know? Because Chris Rock is funny. I think it is Tommy Davidson, but I can�t be sure.
Paris finally says enough is enough and tells Phil she doesn�t �want to do this anymore.�
20:35: Finally the punishment ends. The tape cuts to a repeat of the opening scene with Paris filming herself in the bathroom.
The next minute is comprised of a bunch of clips of the two in different places for a just a few seconds each - on a plane, at a hotel pool, blah blah. This is terrible pornography. Just terrible.
21:50: Now at a different hotel, and in full color!! Paris is in her underwear. Allen is shooting. They have a conversation of sorts, lots of monosyllabic words and confused looks. I can�t believe I have spent 20 minutes watching this.
Paris wants to go out to a club and Terrence doesn�t. He says something like, �can�t we just stay home and you suck my cock?� Paris says, �Ewww. Don�t talk to me like I am an animal.� �You are an animal.� �No you are.� �No you are.� Oh the beautiful irony.
24:08: Paris is now sitting on a couch in the hotel room in just a bra and knee-high stockings. Harold is thankfully behind the camera. Again they are trying to talk, but all that it really consists of is Harold making crude 7th grade sex jokes and Paris screaming �EWWWWW!� over and over.
28:00: Somehow his �charm� wins her over as now they are on the bed having sex. Paris says, �Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.� Herman just tells her to relax. He is quite the lover. They have thoroughly unremarkable sex for the next three minutes.
30:20: Cut to: Different day same shit. Paris is naked on the bed. Abe plies some of his amazing charm saying, �I have the sexiest bitch in the world.� It is Abe�s birthday and Paris has agreed to give him one of her amazing BJs as a gift. What a treat.
As Paris starts to disgrace the act of oral sex again, Gary says, �She loves the cock.� Paris fires back with her lightning wit, �You like it.�
32:30: Paris is now on her knees while Rudolph sits in a chair or on the bed� whatever. She stumbles through the worst excuse for a blowjob in history for the next five and half minutes. Then, Rudy taps her on the head and dribbles his baby batter onto her little boobs. Hooray it�s over!
So what did we learn? Leave the porn to the professionals. We don�t watch professional bowlers run track and we shouldn�t watch professional idiots fuck.
Has anyone else had the misfortune of seeing this? If nothing else convinces you that you should want a good old middle class, Mid-Western girl with some meat on her bones, and who takes pride in her abilty to get it done in the bedroom, this should do it. What do you think?
Did you have to post that picture of Paris above? Did we need to see that?
Coxy
comedian
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Posted: 3/30/2005 8:50:54 PM
The comedian in the background I am almost sure is Eddie Griffith
Charlie
Coxy...
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Posted: 4/18/2005 7:15:27 AM
You might be on to something- although I think you mean Eddie Griffin, not Eddie Griffith. Eddie Griffin is a very distinct possibility, although there is not way I will go back and confirm this.
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