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Think about it, man
"Before cops threw the book at him, Jakub Fik threw something unusual at them -- his penis. Fik, 33, cut off his own penis during a Northwest Side rampage Wednesday morning. When confronted by police, Fik hurled several knives and his severed organ at the officers, police said. Officers stunned him with a Taser and took him into custody. . ." --Chicago Sun Times
After reading this account of Mr. Fik's unfortunate episode with the Chicago Police Department, I got to thinking: Perhaps lofting your penis toward a cadre of the Windy City's finest as they descend on your house is not the ideal defensive maneuver. Of course, I have never been surrounded by more than a few policemen (after an unfortunate misunderstanding at Outback Steak House--it seems "no rules, just right" is a misleading slogan, as the manager insisted it was "against the rules" to frellance as a bathroom attendant in the ladies' room) but I can understand the inclination. The rent's late, you've spent all morning inhaling oven cleaner from a paper bag and the missus keeps nagging about "responsibility." So, you go out to break a few windows and maybe pistol-whip a grocery sacker and when you get back home to relax, someone's out on your lawn with a megaphone talking about more "responsibility" and you just snap. You steel yourself with a shot of Nyquil and sunscreen, and in the ensuing whirlwind, you've lobbed your penis out the window like a one of those World War I Russian gas grenades.
So, after a few weeks of deliberation, I thought that I would recommend for those of us prone to the kind of dong-flinging neuroses exhibited by Mr. Fik, a few alternatives to his modus operandi when it comes to resisting arrest, incarceration and/or humiliation.
1. Do you enjoy sports? Often times a baseball or hockey puck can substitute for your penis when set upon by the men in blue. I once heard of a man in Irondequoit, New York who held an entire S.W.A.T. team at bay for three days using only flaming shuttlecocks and a Mets pennant sharpened along the hypotenuse. If you are not much of the sportsman, fret not. There are a few other alternatives to lobbing your wang out the window.
2. As reported in the news clip, Mr. Fik used a quantity of knives to keep the police out of his home. This, I would say, is a really first-rate idea at keeping anybody out of your house, provided that you throw the knives first; otherwise, we're looking at a man with no penis throwing knives, which is, to be honest, more exhausting than fear-inducing.
3. I love the Food Network. Now, if you're thinking of trying the old "kill them with kindness" technique, I'll be happy to provide a bad ass recipe for Apple Bundt Cake (especially effective during the fall season) that might assuage the police into reconsidering a violent breech into your home. I've been working with aerodynamics and structural integrity and I find the cake lands upright and stays together better with pecans substituted for walnuts. I don't know why. But don't throw it like it's a bomb--this is almost certain to mean the tear gas for you. Throw it nice-like.
4. If you are really intent on tossing your penis out the window, for God's sake, man--do a practice run. Go to the refrigerator, grab a Polish Kielbasa, and throw it out the front door. But before you do this, tuck your still-intact genitalia between your legs, emulating that scene from Silence of the Lambs where the guy executes a near-flawless "mangina." If the cops split, you're home free and you've still got your package. If they make a move to breach your home, reveal your transgendered ruse and perhaps everybody will just have a great laugh.
5. How are your people skills? If you have any friends, this can be put to your advantage in a hostile situation. Hey, whose house is this anyway, Luther? You wanted to come over and watch the game, you throw your penis out the window. If he's any kind of friend, he'll at least be quick on his feet and find a way for this to work out smoothly, thus saving his member from going airborne into a knot of cops. If not, he should be accommodating enough as a guest to "let it fly."
I hope these few suggestions have been helpful, or at least informative for those of you "on the fence" about how to behave in a crisis situation. I maintain I that I have everybody's best interest in mind and if I can stop one, just one poor soul from tossing his pecker at the police, then I've done my job. Join me later for the next segment in the series: How to Keep Your Testicles Out of the X-Box. Thank You.
it wasn't gut busting funny, but it was amusing. And Ty just wrote this and 5 other articles in the last two hours, after noticing that nothing was up yet today. You should've seen the others: one of them was an epic poem about a monkey riding a dog in full cowboy gear.... Charlie chose wisely.
This happened in March 2006. The article goes on to say: "Dr. Greg Bales, associate professor of urology at the University of Chicago, says severed penises are uncommon, but surgery usually works."
(severed penises are uncommon? go figure)
Perhaps TPP could conduct (fabricate) a follow-up interview w/ Mr. Fik to see how his FrankenDik is treating him & his Polish girlfriend these days.
Posts: 259 Rank: 29 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
East Lansing, MI
Posted: 8/9/2007 11:34:21 AM
What metal do you want me to play tonight? Make some requests and I'll do TPP shout-outs on air when I play your shit. Spartan, do NOT suggest tool, not because the station plays it on regular rotation with all the indie shit, but you seem to know some metal, and maybe when thousands of people hear your name, you can feel famous for a few moments. Then go back to sweeping.
Posts: 1517 Rank: 5 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 8/9/2007 11:41:12 AM
I actually just changed mine from "Thor" to "Optimus Prime" I'm single for the first time in a long time, so I figured a change of pace would be good. I'm currently on my quest for "The Allspark."
My friend, Dave, calls his "The judge, the jury and the executioner." I think that's pretty good.
Posts: 237 Rank: 28 Joined:
5/31/2007
Location:
Gilbert, AZ
Posted: 8/9/2007 11:47:38 AM
Make requests for a college radio station in the middle of Michigan? Can I throw a shout out to Mateen Cleaves - asuming he's got a radio strong enough to pick up the 1,000 wat station output.....and digs metal.
Sorry Stiggs, I know you really dig your job - but I'm just saying....
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