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As a special treat for everyone who is stuck at work this week, here is one the best pieces from the book, "Look At My Striped Shirt!" In addition to this classic piece from The Phat Phree, there are more than 50 never-before-published essays from some of the funniest writers on the site.
Yes, I got married. Thanks for the congratulations, but please let me stop you before you ask me if it feels any differ- too late. Well, allow me to respond here so that I don't have to waste another breath answering this idiotic question.
First of all, fuck you.
Secondly, no, it does not feel any different. Aside from this ring on my finger and a ten-day vacation, everything is exactly the same as it was a few weeks ago. What exactly do you suspect might "feel different"? My wife's vagina? Well, not that that is any of your goddamn business, but it also feels the same as before.
Do I feel different? Emotionally? Is that what you are asking?
I sincerely hope that this is not what you mean. Do I look like a woman? No. Who asks an adult man how he feels? Do you ask a retard what he thinks?
If you are a man asking me the question, sack up and say what you mean; "do you regret it?" The answer to that question is no. I don't regret it. If I didn't want to get married, I wouldn't have done it. I am not a pussy like you are. And if you ever ask me how I "feel" again, I will slug you in the guts.
Now women, I know why you ask. You like to humiliate men in public by asking them how they feel about things. I get it. We make more money than you and are better at sports, so you talk about emotions, get fat and cut off your hair.
The truth of it is that men all feel the same thing when their wedding is over: relief. That's right, and any man who tells you anything different is liar, or worse, a pussy that has been broken like a tamed circus elephant. We are just glad that no one had to die, and we hope that there is enough cash in the envelopes to cover the cost of all bullshit we had to pay for.
The thing that really frustrates me about this question is that it's utterance proves that you and I don't really have anything to talk about. Otherwise you wouldn't lead off the conversation with such a stupid fucking question. Where are we going to go from here? I am going to say, "no" while I imagine burning your face off with a flaming log, and then there will be an uncomfortable silence. You will then follow up with an equally inane question, or you will congratulate me again and walk away. Let's skip to part three, and you can just walk away. That way I won't hate you later.
But seriously, thank you for the set of pewter teaspoons. They will go great with the napkin rings and the cheese tray. In the garbage.
1st of all congratulations. relieved is exactly the feeling a man should have after the "big day".
an equally obnoxious question that falls on the opposite side of "the day" from your article is: "are you nervous?" "no, fuckstick, thats why i asked her to marry me. i was only nervous asking her father (6'4", 265). irritated with the grand inquisition i am getting from everyone, yes. nervous, no."
Stupid Question
Are you nervous?
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Posted: 10/7/2005 8:26:28 AM
First off, great article hits the nail on the head. Second, we do make much more money and are way better at sports. Lastly, I can't stand the questions and the snide remarks from guys, who claim to get more butt than most. Let me explain something I understand that my sex life is downhill from 30 but in the same breath let me remind you that I have been getting ass for the past five years from the same girl...who clearly is good at doing something. So if you like we can go over our sex history and recent past weeks and that should be enough to make you understand why I have gone out and married this girl.
Great article, Charlie just felt the need to vent.
drawz
Good line
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Posted: 10/7/2005 8:58:49 AM
"Who asks an adult man how he feels? Do you ask a retard what he thinks?"
Brilliant
Atlas
Fucking A Finally
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Posted: 10/7/2005 10:09:13 AM
That was perfect, I got married a year ago and had to field this dumb fuck question constantly. How does every dipshit know to ask the same stupid question. I also hate the dried up cynical old rags that ask you because it makes them feel good to make you feel uncomfortable.
Oh and congrats, was it everything you thought it would be, Fuck I hate dumb people.
Cameron
Garbage
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Posted: 10/7/2005 10:19:58 AM
Good read.
"In the garbage." Nice ending.
Steve K
Post Cana
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Posted: 10/7/2005 10:36:05 AM
Welcome back and Congratulations man. Funny stuff here.
But seriously, Do you feel any different?
Gordon Gekko
Marriage is for SUCKERS
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Posted: 10/7/2005 10:54:45 AM
I've recently had two friends end there lives by taking that fatal walk down the aisle. Your life is over, but hey, if that's the way you want it, good for you, I guess. Before you know it, you will be joining the local bowling league, begging your single friends to "roll" with you for twice a week, because that's the only way your wife will let you out of the house. Are you still happy with that shit fucking job you took right out of college, just because it was secure and you felt safe getting married. Well congratulations, I hope your happy raising a family of 4 someday, pulling down 50K a year, HA!! You Sucker. One Vagina for the rest of you life. Faggot!!
Matt
Hilarious!
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Posted: 10/7/2005 10:57:02 AM
"..burning your face off with a burning log". That may be one of the funniest lines I have seen in a while.
Matt
Correction
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Posted: 10/7/2005 10:57:32 AM
I meant "flamming".
Stu P
Good read
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Posted: 10/7/2005 11:03:55 AM
you don't fell any different? Guess what, I nailed your wife the night before you got married so that was my dick you were tasting on your wedding day. feel different now?
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