Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
So good. So Sizzler.
SALT LAKE CITY, UT—After enjoying a quiet dinner at Sizzler on Main St. Friday night, a nondescript family of six took turns defecating in a single men’s restroom toilet without flushing it, Sizzler officials said.
“It smells like fucking shit,” Sizzler manager Pete Klausen said Saturday. “This Gang Dump was a cowardly act!”
The giant pile of shit was discovered by weekend opening manger Charlene Thompson early Saturday morning. The night crew had apparently gotten drunk and stoned and forgot to clean the restrooms Friday night.
“I thought I farted out in the parking lot,” Thomson said. “But when I got closer to the building I knew it wasn’t me. When I unlocked and opened the door a strong waft of shit hit me right in the face. I vomited all over the welcome mat.”
Sizzler employees said the dinning family was completely normal.
“It was an average family, “ hostess Michelle Rup said. “The father was in his thirties and the mother was very pretty. The kids were all well behaved and blonde haired and blue eyed. There were two boys and two girls, probably between five and seventeen. I just don’t understand why they’d make a small child do something like that.”
Waiter Jim Hernandez didn’t notice anything unusual Friday night. “I was getting the check and we were ready to close,” he said. “They were having desert and they had tipped really well. I noticed each one got up and went to the restroom but I didn’t think anything of it.”
“I saw them go into the bathroom,” busboy Mike Loomis said. “It was weird. The mother went into the men’s room with the little girl. Then I saw the each of the brothers go in. I knew something was up when I saw the older sister go in. I never heard the toilet flush once.”
Sizzler officials say the father was the mastermind behind the defecation.
“He paid in cash,” Klausen said. “ And I know for a fact he was the last one out. There’s a log the size of a baby’s leg sitting on a shit pie in there.”
Apparently none of the family used toilet paper or bothered to wash their hands. “They just went in real fast and came back out again,” Loomis said. “The mother and the kids were out in the car waiting when dad was done. He must have exploded his colon dropping that bomb.” Complicating matters, Klausen said the gang-dumped stall was reserved for handicapped customers.
“You know, it’s one thing to do something that horrible in regular toilet. But when you’ve gone and shit all over the physically challenged you’ve gone to far!”
Sizzler on Main St. will be closed for the next week while fumigating and fixing the plumbing.
I seriously just thought it was the moldy croutons in the salad bar. Thanks for clearing that up for me.
Jack
Nice
()
Post #: 3
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/18/2005 9:42:26 AM
I love stories about pooping on poop.
Tony D
HA!
()
Post #: 4
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/18/2005 10:48:20 AM
I haven't laughed continuously while reading a Phatphreee article in quite a while. That was Goddamned hilarious.
Thank you.
Gang Dumping. IT's on.
kayvon
visceral
()
Post #: 5
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/18/2005 11:45:02 AM
Great article. The Fake News ones seem to be the most difficult to make funny under the margins, but you can never go wrong with gang-pooping. Huzzah!
deuce
totally agree
()
Post #: 6
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/18/2005 12:02:52 PM
nothing better than shitting on poop. funny as _____, thank you.
instead of half-assing their way through life, the family could have stepped it up a notch and combined the gang dump with the upper-decker...
ihop.. you're next!
Poop Lover
Great Article
()
Post #: 7
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/18/2005 12:38:47 PM
You can't go wrong with potty humor. Awesome job!
SpaceMonkey
Good Stuff!
()
Post #: 8
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/18/2005 1:10:44 PM
hilarious!
ED
OH YEAH
()
Post #: 9
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/18/2005 1:19:55 PM
My boss just yelled at me for laughing
sharky
Hilarious
()
Post #: 10
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 8/18/2005 1:36:59 PM
Yeah I know everyone else has praised you, so I am too. Can't go wrong with a good shit story. Thanks for the laughs. Though it was hard to keep a straight face when my boss-man was talking to me.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Posts: 
