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What? You're too good for this now?
CARSON, CA (TPP)--Returning to work after a long anticipated "crazy ass weekend in Vegas," Pinkberry branch manager Nelson Hodge was disappointed not have gone beyond even a PG-13 level of hell raising.
"I don't know. We didn't cut loose like we usually do," Hodge said over a morning cup of coffee. "I don't even need this coffee to tell you the truth. I got a full eight hours sleep while I was there. Both nights."
Hodge, who hadn't taken a vacation in over six months, had been planning a road trip to Vegas with "the boys"-- two of his friends from college -- for the past month. "I didn't think we'd need much planning. I mean, you just go and get totally smashed the whole time, win big at the tables, and blow it all on strippers."
Hodge remembers things seeming unusual almost as soon as they arrived last Friday, when his friend and fellow reveler Brian Colman announced he was going to "take a quick swim then maybe grab some dinner."
"I thought, 'Dinner?'" recalled Hodge in disgust, "'Just grab a Snickers out of the vending machine and let's go get our swerve on.' But they all wanted to go to some fancy place with tablecloths and shit. And then everybody ordered drinks! I kept saying they were free at the tables, but we ended up sitting there talking about our jobs and Moose's [Brian Colman] fucking baby. Zzzzzz."
After dinner, Hodge recalls the debate about getting a hotel room. "The best time we ever had in Vegas we didn't need a hotel room. We all crashed in the car at different times and washed up in a water fountain at the Venitian. Now all of sudden these pussies want a suite at the Bellagio. When Josh pulled a suitcase out of the trunk I almost punched him in the face. I mean, a suitcase? What did he think he was moving here?"
After getting the room, Hodge's announcement that it was time to "go ape shit" fell on seemingly deaf ears.
"He kept saying how he wanted to 'tear this town a new one,'" his friend Colman stated, "But look, I was tired from the drive. It took like two weeks for my wife to finally give me the go ahead for this trip, especially with a newborn at home. I just want to play some cards and catch up with a couple friends."
Let's make it rain! C'mon...please?
Josh Morgan, also on the "road trip to end all road trips," had similar sentiments. "Every time we've gone to Vegas it's been drink/puke/recover/drink/puke/recover. I just wanted to chill this time. I had had a really tough couple months at the office. Then, Nelson runs up to me at the bar shoving his fingers in my face claiming he finger banged some skank in the bathroom. It kinda ruined the night for me."
Later that evening, a trip to the card tables proved unable to satiate Hodge's thirst for a properly seedy nightlife, and rounds of blackjack were frequently punctuated with demands that the group immediately head for the Deja Vu Strip Club.
"We've been there like a million times, can't we just relax for a minute? I'm in the middle of a hand here, and the waitress hasn't even brought back my drink order," Morgan stated. Further ranting ensued when it turned out he and Colman had opted for a beer rather than a Cement Mixer. "I don't really drink that stuff anymore. I still drink though, just not shots."
"I don't what the deal is with those guys, they used to be great. Every time we're here we go to [Deja Vu], act like idiots, get thrown out. It's a tradition. One time Brian got his ass kicked by the bouncer, it was hilarious. Those guys don't even want to talk to any chicks."
"Well, like I said, I'm married and we just had kid so I'm not really looking for too many chicks. Josh has had the same girlfriend for a while. I mean, I'll cruise out somewhere if Nelson thinks he's going to hook up, but that never really pans out."
Further attempts by Hodge to "go nuts" were stemmed when his plan to smoke an entire pack of Marlboro menthols at the blackjack table was stamped out by casino security. Upon being informed that one could no longer smoke except in designated areas, Hodge said, "Since when can't you smoke at the tables? This is Las Vegas for Christ's sake."
When the rest of the crew decided to get some sleep, Hodge went out by himself. After dropping $900 at the strip club he brought a hooker back to the room and woke everyone up. "I was looking forward to my first full night's sleep in four months, and all of sudden I'm woken up by Hodge's balls on my forehead. Yeah, I was pissed." Colman said.
"I bring back a hooker for these guys, and they were pissed at me! What the fuck, man? I'm trying to have a good time and shit, and these fags just want to sleep?" Hodge lamented. When asked about the incident with Coleman, he said, "Yeah, I teabaged him, but it's not like he hasn't done it to me before. He was the King of Teabags in college. We used to call him Lipton. He didn't need to punch me in the beanbag."
By Sunday the group was a collective $450 dollars ahead. "It was great," said Morgan contentedly, "We went to a couple of those little places off the Strip, real mellow. You can play all day for cheap. They kept the beers coming, too." Despite Hodge's insistence that they'd have had even more fun if they'd "just scored some fucking blow," the others maintained it was a successful trip. "I don't think Nelson's ever even done coke to be honest. Whatever, that's just Nelson, he's cool. We made enough to pay for the room and for gas, and I hadn't gotten to hang out with Josh in a while so that was cool. Good time."
Posts: 1517 Rank: 5 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 6/4/2007 2:16:34 PM
I hope this never happens to me. I don;t want to talk like I'm the craziest motherfucker in here or anything, but I can tell that I could feel this way with some fo my friends. Sad days indeed. Nelson just needs to score the blow himself and feed it to his friends. They'll be putty in his hands after that. You cold convince them to do anything after that.
Posts: 14 Rank: 170 Joined:
5/25/2007
Location:
Des Moines, IA
Posted: 6/4/2007 2:54:44 PM
Went to Puerto Penasco (ASU/UA spring break spot) with some buddies and they wanted to go fishing. Fucking fishing for crying out loud! I was drunk on the boat and kept demanding they get closer to other boats so I could moon the occupants.
I went to Vegas last January for the CES conference with two of my homies from college. We had one of those suites at the Sands with full kitchens, three bedrooms, etc.
As soon as we got there these fuckers went to the grocery store and bought 5 days worth of shit. And they woke up every morning at 7 to be at this CES shithole.
I was left alone to find the weed, hookers, and gamble. (All they did was sit in the room, drink Hennessy, and talk about the new TV's and shit from the conference) I still wont talk to them fags to this day.
Posts: 17 Rank: 2093 Joined:
12/8/2006
Location:
Providence, RI
Posted: 6/5/2007 9:54:09 AM
You can smoke in Vegas Casinos in more places than not.. That fountain is in fact a great place to wash up in the morning. Your friends should have a fucking pampered chef party or something. That is not the way to do Vegas
Posts: 4 Rank: 281 Joined:
5/30/2007
Location:
Daly City, CA
Posted: 6/5/2007 6:40:19 PM
Not an especially funny article but definitely hit home. I was at my best friend's bachelor's party two years ago. Had a suite at the palms. VIP tables at rain/ghost bar. Had dinner with the Malouf's. Hookers, sorority girls, strippers, drugs. Best time of my life. Tried to do a vegas reunion with most of us married and with kids. Ended doing gambling and shows. sigh.
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