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Tim Swanson mentally prepares for the trip.
SHERIDAN, WYOMING- After several months of intense planning / nagging, the Swanson family of Sheridan, Wyoming, will embark Monday on their two week vacation to Southern California, planned almost entirely around visiting the various locations they've seen featured on HBO's "Entourage."
"We're gonna go to that Starbucks where Ari said he fucked a girl that worked there...or was that Coffee Bean? Remember, they were right across the street from each other?" said Josh Swanson, 17. "Those guys go to the coolest places, they really get to live the life. And for two weeks, we will too."
Tim Swanson, 47, says the two weeks of vacation he's allotted each year from the distribution company where he works are extremely precious to him. While he initially had doubts about spending them driving around Los Angeles in search of overpriced clothing boutiques and cafes specializing in cruelty-free tofu, he said his family eventually won him over. "Well, Katie (daughter, 14) cried for damn near a week saying she didn't want to go to Grand Teton National Park again. She says it's 'boring' and there's nothing to do there. I don't know anymore...she used to love it. Now she wants to go to some place called Geisha House and eat designer sushi. What's wrong with the fish we used to catch at Palisades Reservoir?"
The family had originally planned on staying at The Peninsula Hotel - where E once took a Perfect 10 model after his own girlfriend blue-balled him - for the duration of the trip. Unfortunately the hotel, known for an abundance of high-end Russian escorts at the bar on any given night, was well out of the family's price range. "Dad seemed really disappointed we weren't staying there." Said Josh, "But what's cool is we're going to be at a Comfort Inn that's right in the neighborhood where that rapper Saigon is from!"
"This is going to be awesome!" exclaimed Katie Swanson, "I want to go to Koi, at least a couple times. And I want to go to Jerry's Famous Deli, and I want to go that bowling alley (Lucky Strike). I wonder if they all hang out there in real life? Do you think they hang out there? I hope I get to see them."
"With all the money we're saving on hotels," exclaimed Josh, " I want to get a pair of sneakers from Undefeated. Remember when Vince and Turtle went there? Nobody back home is going to have any of that stuff for like a year." Young Josh Swanson is already hard at work convincing his dad to wake up at 3AM and get in line for the release of the new Air Max 95s. "He got kind of upset about the idea and said it was ridiculous, what's wrong with the shoes I have? But I told him it'll be just like when we used to go camping and we'd get up at dawn to catch fish. Only instead we'll go stand in line on...I think it's LaBrea?"
"I hope they still have 9 1/2's left!"
Though relieved to be appeasing his sometimes-volatile family, Tim Swanson still holds some doubts about the upcoming trip. He continues to have mixed feelings about the star-fucking fame chase that will be his family vacation. "It just seems like we could use the time to relax, get some fresh air and get closer as a family. Josh is graduating next year and I'll hardly see him after that. While I've secretly dreamed of that day, now that it's almost here I'm feeling less excited. I've never actually watched this show they're all talking about, but I checked out a map of the city proper, it looks like we'll just be stuck in the car the whole time. We should never have gotten premium cable."
Tim's wife, Julia, was quick to respond to the latter comment, pointing out an incident from the family's now-infamous New York City vacation back in 2004. "It was October, so I wanted to see the leaves in Central Park. Instead Tim dragged us around New Jersey all day looking for the ˜Bada Bing.' Turns out it didn't actually even exist."
"Yeah, that was awful." Recalls Josh, "Dad kept going on and on about how The Sopranos were real men, and if he'd grown up in New Jersey he'd be a 'made guy' by now. When mom said she thought you had to be Italian to be in the mob, dad said he'd 'give her the back a me hand' if she didn't 'pipe down ovah they-ah." And he was talking in some weird fake accent." (Sources later confirmed Mr. Swanson was in fact attempting to imitate a New York accent)
Julia Swanson is also hopeful her husband will pick up on the numerous hints she's dropped about picking out a gift for her at the high-end jeweler Van Cleef and Arpels, also featured on the show. Even going so far as to indicate there might be "something special" in it for him if does so. Tim noted disdainfully that when they were young, "something special" used to happen multiple times a day at "damn near every location in greater Sheridan," only to now cost him several grand in designer jewelry. "Also, we used to call it fucking." A defensive Mrs. Swanson replied that if her husband didn't want to pay her any attention, "Perhaps Mr. Vincent Chase would," winking awkwardly and pumping her fist in the international sign for schtupping.
"Pool's out back, continental breakfast at 7."
"If they want to spend two weeks living the life of TV actors pretending to be movie stars, fine by me. It's not my college fund we're tapping into." Sighed Mr. Swanson.
One bright spot for Mr. Swanson is the hope that the family will also have time to visit the horse track in Del Mar, California, visited by the "Entourage" boys just last season. "Turns out they went to a great track! Now that sounds perfect! Beautiful weather, right by the ocean just watching the horses, maybe make a couple bucks on a long shot."
The other Swansons quickly chimed in with a veto, however, pointing out that Del Mar is nearly two hours south of LA, and they would need that precious driving time to go look for Brett Ratner's house.
Ruby, you've crossed into an all new category of dork; you're officially the first Entourage version of a trekkie. But a word of advice; don't quit your job as you plan the inaugural "Entourage Convention."
3 celebrities kicking their Entourages down the stairs
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Post #: 3
Posts: 452 Rank: 26 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 6/18/2007 8:25:04 AM
I gave it a 3 because I can tell the writer either researched the show a lot, or is an amazing freak who actually loves that steaming turd of a show. I did not find the article funny. I find the fact that the writer took his time to write this piece-o-shit funny.
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